This page is for comments page 3

This entry was posted in Current Blogs. Bookmark the permalink.

87 Responses to This page is for comments page 3

  1. Margaret says:


  2. Jo says:

    Thank you Gretch 😊

    • Jo says:

      This new page may make it easier for many..I managed to access the blog up to today by signing in every time, not a problem either way.

    • theultimateguru says:

      Indeed, thank you Gretchen! It’s a lot easier to load a page with 5 comments than a page with 4,000 comments. Even with a fast cable internet connection, it was taking me almost 15 seconds just to zero in on the latest comments.

  3. Phil says:

    At home the end of the blog page, where I want to put comments, can be very slow to reach, so this helps. It’s the ads which slow it down. At work we must have some type of ad blocker, so that’s not a problem. I’d like to get that for my PC at home.

  4. Larry says:

    I am moved by this father’s 5 minute time-lapse video portrait of his daughter from birth to age 20. Our closest relatives, apes and chimpanzees, take 3-4 years to develop from birth to adulthood, whereas we require 20. It brings me to tears to think of how caring and attentive this father was to his children’s development. It makes me feel sad that I never had kids. It makes me feel awful and hopeless for how starved for caring and attention I was during my development years, and how that blighted the rest of my life.

  5. Larry says:

    On Oct. 30 I wrote about getting ready to exhibit my prints in an art show fundraiser, held on Nov 1 & 2. Having to present to the public for the two days was exhausting. The other exhibitors had the same feeling. I felt overall disappointed with the show. Thinking about it primally I guess I didn’t get the love I was wanting. During the show I felt a cold coming on. The next day the cold got a grip on me and I’ve been dealing with it since, going for long stretches of poor sleep, too exhausted to do much or to primal, and feeling more and more isolated and fragile, more and more empty, worthless and despondent about my life, and feeling I’ll be unable to ever muster any will or energy to pull myself out of the hole I was spiralling in to. In recent days I felt some panic that I’ve forever lost any zest for life, that I’m close to a breakdown of the kind that people get put into institutions for, that I desperately and anxiously need to be loved, held and cared for like a little child if I’m to have any kind of meaningful existence at all for the remainder of my life, but no one is going to care for me like a little child so I’m up against an existential wall.

    This morning I guess I felt recovered enough from the cold, and I broke down. You can say all kinds of wonderful things about this therapy, the therapists and the retreats, but what it all boils down to is that we are each individually all alone with the devastation of our lives and how we deal with it. I cried poison that’s been coursing through my veins as far back as I can remember. I cried my truth of being so alone for so long, feeling the cruelty of the love not being there that a child needs to grow up into life, feeling the need for a reason for why life went so wrong for me, then crying exquisitely painful awful truth that there was no reason other than the cold reality that my parents were inadequate, so by cruel heartless chance, my life was doomed to a shattered, short existence almost from the start. After feeling some of the unchangeable truth, if I’m to carry on I now somehow have to find a way go forward despite the void.

    The life unleashing power of this therapy is that it got me here, still willing and wanting to make a better present and future for me, where only hours ago I didn’t see one was possible.

  6. Phil says:

    Larry, those sound like heavy feelings. I hope you can find a way forward after feeling some of that truth about your life, I feel like you can. Phil

    • Larry says:

      Thanks Phil. I hope I can. Perhaps due to the lingering effects of weakness and isolation due to having a cold for the past 3 weeks, or because I’m facing up to my reality, I feel depressed about the emptiness in my life. Event though I had lunch with an acquaintance on Thursday who I did a favour for, and even though I attended a workshop at church on Friday evening and today and participated and spoke my mind in group more than I ever dared before. People listened intently because they felt that what I said was meaningful. People in the congregation have told me they are glad that I haven’t left the congregation the way some others have given up on it in the turmoil following a congregational crisis 1 1/2 years ago. I hadn’t realized I fill such an important space in people’s lives who are trying to hold the congregation together. Nevertheless, I come home to emptiness. I feel that I have no one to enjoy life with.

      In the small group discussions and soul searching that took place in the workshop today, I was surprised and disappointed by how little in touch these good people were with their feelings and intuition, and how little they are able to empathize with, hear and emotionally support each other through the crisis that the congregation has been going through for the past 1 1/2 years. It is as if the congregation has become my token family, but like my real family they are out of touch with themselves and each other, so I am alone.

      I wish I was working, not retired, and had the workplace routine and colleagues to distract myself from my life problems, but I guess distraction doesn’t solve them. I need a few people or at least a person in my life where we have a deep understanding and respect for who each other is and want to spend time with each other. I guess if I was a child, I’d feel a similar need for the understanding and respect of a mother who cares.

      • Larry says:

        I notice it lifts my spirits to have you to write to on the blog about this, rather than keeping it to myself.

        • Phil says:

          I’m glad you shared about this with us on the blog.

          My news is that my wife and I finally had a discussion about our argument from two weeks ago when we had friends over. It was helpful and it seems like we needed that delay before being able to address it. There has been a big improvement between us, but we aren’t entirely back to where we should be. I hope that will happen before we go away for Thanksgiving this week to spend a few days with my extended family. I don’t like the feeling of being kind of like a fake couple, one that isn’t getting along right in private, when we are at such a gathering. It has happened quite a few times in the past.

        • Larry says:

          Wow I bet she appreciates being able to discuss it, even though I guess it’s scary to do for you both.

          • Phil says:

            Well, she didn’t seem to want to discuss it, I guess because of the potential for making things worse, but luckily that didn’t happen.

  7. Margaret says:

    at 1.30 a.m. last night I got a phone call from the nursing home.
    my mom had wandered around in her room singing a bit, and possibly going up to her table to drink some water. the nurses had heard it but suddenly heard her screaming. she had lost her balance and it seemed she broke her shoulder and was in a lot of pain.
    so, Wim, the male nurse, told me he had considered calling a doctor and transferring her in the morning to the hospital, but had then decided to call an ambulance right away.
    It was of course a bit of a shock, in the middle of the night, while I had had to take some migraine medication when i went to bed.
    I called the emergency ward from the clinic and they told me they had given her some more painkillers and would take an X-ray soon.
    I left a message to my brother but when I noticed he had not heard it gave him a call.
    one hour later I called the emergency center again, as by then I felt I needed to go there if she would have to stay there, i did not want to wait and leave her there by herself until my brother would drive over the next day.
    it would have been hard as I had not had much sleep and still felt the migraine, but I was willing to do it and go there with a taxi if necessary.
    but the doctor of the emergency told me she had indeed broken her left shoulder but added he had already sent her back to the nursing home with her arm in a support.
    it would have to heal with time, and she would have to come over for checkups from time to time.
    it felt like a bit of a relief she was already going back to the more familiar surrounding, so I called my brother and we will go there this afternoon.
    at 6 a.m. the same nurse called me to let me know she was back and that she had slept a bit but would need good painkillers.
    it will be difficult, the pain won’t allow her to dress or to walk or maybe even to use the wheelchair for a while, and she will have to have a safety bar back on her bed and won’t be able anymore to go to the bathroom by herself as she was doing lately again.
    i feel very sorry for her, but well, better a shoulder than her hip, and luckily no stay at the hospital.
    Friday she will have her 89th birthday.
    she was getting very well lately, active and walking more and more again, so she is luckily in a better shape than if this would have happened one or two months ago.
    hopefully she finds the courage and strength once more to heal…

    • Phil says:

      Margaret, I hope your mother is able to heal quickly from that. Much better that it wasn’t her hip.

    • jackwaddington says:

      Margaret: Sorry to hear about your mom’s fall. I hope she recovers from it quickly, but good that she’s not isolated in the hospital, but back to things more familiar. I too have to be very careful about losing my balance and falling.


  8. jackwaddington says:

    Hi Everyone: I went to see the doctor on Wednesday and the results are still somewhat inconclusive,, but it seems that cancer is not one of them, though the diagnosis, is not decisive enough to totally rule out. So! I have been asked to come back again and have another C T scan in January to see if they can pin it down.

    There was also, from the Xrays, a sign that there is some infection in the right lung; so I am on another week of antibiotics. Conclusion … for me … these are the result of getting old.

    My general feeling is:- not the same amount of energy as before all this occurred and somewhat lethargic. However, I do have a lifesaver in Jim, and I feel really lucky about that, and love him dearly for it.


  9. Margaret says:

    I am impressed with my mom.
    we heard that her upper arm bone is broken just below the shoulder, a spot where they can’t plaster it so the only solution is for her to hang her arm in a supporting ‘towel’, don’t know the proper name for it.
    the good news is she was in her wheelchair despite the pain and still participating a bit socially.
    but of course it is a sorry situation, she forgets what happened and will have to endure pain for weeks and weeks until it heals.
    to sleep there is only laying on her back, in a safety kind of sleeping bag in which she can move but can’t fall out of bed.
    I gave her a book with pictures of cats and brief sentences with each picture, the title of the book’ what we can learn from cats’. one of the sentences was ‘always honestly show what you feel’, no idea what the picture showed , maybe a hissing cat, maybe a cat purring and rubbing his head against someones face, with its eyes closed in delight as they can do.
    tomorrow a girlfriend will come over and go with me to see our mom, which is very nice.
    hope mom gets the painkillers she needs, specially at night .
    and still she is so sweet and easily smiling, and showing concern all the time about us, are we ok, do we have all we need, do we have a partner etc.
    love her so much.

  10. Margaret says:

    yes, I am happy for you and Jim to have each other!

  11. Phil says:

    Your mother sure seems tough. She goes through a lot, recovers, and is able to continue. She’s resilient, and you have a lot to do with it because of all the support you give.

  12. Leslie says:

    A ‘sling’ is the word I think you want for what your mom is having to wear for her arm Margaret.
    Sorry to hear about her injury. She must feel so fortunate to have such love and care from you!

  13. Margaret says:

    hi all, thanks for the support.
    went to visit my mom with a girlfriend today. mom started crying upon seeing me, distressed because hurting and not knowing why, but she quickly cheered up again, interested by the book I gave her yesterday, ‘what we can learn from cats’.
    it was fun while she read all the sidelines of the pictures and her comments on it, showing her spirit still, making us all laugh.
    we had hot chocolate in the cafeteria and I asked one of the nurses to try out putting a pillow or folded towel under her bad arm at night to keep it in the same position more or less as during the daytime while laying on her back to sleep.
    she said she would suggest it to the nurse of the night shift, hope she does not forget…
    Mom is inspiring in both allowing herself to express her feelings and still making the best of life and being concerned with the people around her as well.
    quite a lady really.

  14. jackwaddington says:

    Hi everyone: I had a really bad dream last night and I am still reeling from it.
    In the dream, I was asked by what I assumed was Art Janov to join a group of patients (10 or so) to a form of retreat. At the end the guy leading the group (A therapist from the center I presumed, told me that I was not doing Primal therapy and was fooling myself and that I was a terrible patient. I realized at that point it was not Javov since he was dead but one of the leading therapists at the center. I was shattered, but I did not argue with him … then I woke up being very agitated.

    I began on waking to wonder what the feeling was in that dream, but came up with a blank and was thinking about it all during getting dressed, washed and having breakfast. I am still not quite sure what it all really means in terms of feelings. However, it brought up the following for me in this order:-
    1) Maybe my response to Larry on the blog was a terrible mistake.
    2) Throughout my life, I was always pretty confident in life, thanks to my Granny, who loved me dearly.
    Except for one period in my life from 5 through 9 when my father would creep up the stairs after we were all sent to bed well before we were ready. Then on some pretexed that we were misbehaving would spank each one of us on our bottoms until we cried. crying ourselves to sleep.
    That had a profound effect on us all and in particular me and my brother who shortly afterward started to wet the bed during the night and started for me to shit in my pants. well into my teens. All this demonstrating the damage done by spanking us children for being children.

    On regaining some of myself in later teens and 20’s I regained back some of my confidence, which carries through to this day. Now, (after this dream) I am still in a lot of doubt about that confidence. I will do my utmost to work through all this for the rest of the day, AND if anyone is able to give me some idea/feedback (seeing me from the outside) I would greatly appreciate it.


    • Phil says:


      Which response to Larry were you talking about? I looked but couldn’t figure out which one it would be.


      • jackwaddington says:

        Phil; I too cannot find it so perha[s I never posted it in the first place, but at the cost of it perhaps being a mistake here it is again:-
        “Larry: That loneliness of yours seems to have been reverberating within you for the whole of your life.

        As I see the difference between aloneness and loneliness, that “loneliness” is suffering “aloneness”, I’m sure you know all this. As I read you, I feel you need to work on getting out there to find a partner to live with, which would perhaps help, especially if you could talk about your loneliness together.

        I am aware that you go to meetings of the congregation, AND, perhaps there is a potential partner there. If not, try and find other groups … of say, retired singles. There must be many people out there having retired who are feeling lonely. Of course; no-one is ever going to be able to replace Noreen; but from my last seeing you, I feel you are a very eligible candidate for a compatible partner. Sure enough, just getting out there is both scary and trying, but I feel it’s worth trying out that route.

        I hope you don’t mind me putting in my two cents worth.”


        • Phil says:

          It’s more for Larry to say, but I don’t see anything wrong with this comment.


        • Larry says:

          Jack, just to give you feedback, your comment doesn’t tell me anything that I don’t know.

        • Larry says:

          I should add that it’s OK that you offered your two cents. I want you to know that the more I accept my aloneness, the more real and meaningful my relationships with casual and more serious friends and with family are becoming. It’s astounding to me how I’m being allowed more intimately into their lives. That I’m worthwhile and appreciated by them gives me increasing confidence in trusting and being who I am, though it’s scary. It is incredible to me how much suppressed fear I’ve lived with much of my life, that I’m uncovering.

          My intuition and radar drive and guide me in the hunt for a partner….but loneliness is not sufficient criteria for a relationship. In my quest I keep opening more deeply to how alone and scared I feel, and to how Noreen is never coming back to comfort me, while at the same time there are many women out there any one of whom being in a relationship with would exponentially enhance both our lives, if it’s the right person. My strategy for finding that right person is to embrace and engage in my life as openly and fully as I can. That includes being a member of a singles group, and yes, there is a surplus of retired, single women in it.

  15. Phil says:

    This morning I have some memories filtering through, things I’ve repressed, of my mothers erratic behavior towards me. I think it’s in connection with problems my wife and I are still having. Why
    it can be difficult for me to discuss things with her, and why I usually let certain things go which bother me. This time we had a confrontation, but we should be able to recover from it. We have more things to discuss, as she’s still shutting me out and upset about what happened, whereas I feel pretty much finished with it.


  16. jackwaddington says:

    Hi Everyone: I have just learned that my little sister has had a fall and broken her hip and is in hospital. The problem is:- there is no-one close by to come and visit her. She was in the process of leaving her current home to be near to her two daughters when she had the fall. Her daughters are 200 miles away and working and unable to come up and visit or take care of her. I will email one of her daughters to see if they have been able to talk to her.

    My other sister lives 20 miles away, but neither she nor her husband has a car and that 20 miles trip is not easy by public transport. She does possess a cell phone but I have not been able to contact her using that number, which on checking is the correct number.

    All this is bothering me and causing some anxiety since she is my favorite sister, and we are quite close. Also, there is no-one at the hospital that I am able to get in contact with … so I’m left ‘whistling in the breeze’.

    I just needed to write it here to get it off my chest.


    • Larry says:

      Such is our dilemma when we live lives apart from family.

      • jackwaddington says:

        Larry: for me, it’s not such a dilemma as I do have several ways to keep in contact.
        However, as I see it, we start off needing mommy and daddy and our siblings, but as we progress through life they become less of an imperative … yet reaming something we desire to keep in contact with for many of us.

        However, Jim wants little or nothing to do with his family for his own good reasons, and I know others that feel the same.


  17. Margaret says:

    even if your sister does not have her personal phone line in her hospital room, you should be able to talk to her if you call her ward, by asking the reception desk helper to put you through, and often the nurses pass on their phone for a little while to the patient in these cases.
    minimally they should pass on a message to her from you.
    good luck, M

    • jackwaddington says:

      Margaret: Thanks for the info, but I got in touch with her daughter, my niece, and am now being kept up to date.


  18. Phil says:

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

    We’re traveling today and having Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. I wasn’t feeling any enthusiasm for this in the past days, except for having time off from work. But now I am looking forward to seeing my extended family and we’ll be talking about fun things like impeachment and the upcoming democratic primaries, but usually nothing personal. It’s OK, that’s how they are.


    • Larry says:

      I was of the impression that it’s dangerous to discuss politics at family gatherings if you want to try to have a happy time together.

      • Phil says:

        Most of us are in agreement. I wouldn’t discuss those things if it could lead to an argument. My uncle will hardly talk about anything else. Well, he also likes history,
        but that gets old for me.

      • jackwaddington says:

        Larry: Not in my family, since we all loved the argument, and it was encouraged by my father in particular. He felt it kept us all on our toes, and it was NEVER unpleasant, as I remember it. We did this with religion, politics and some other factors of our current lives as of then:- like who we wanted as friends, and playmates


    • jackwaddington says:

      Phil: I find this holiday in the US to have lost its original intent. As I understand it; some of the earlier settlers were very grateful to the native Americans for their survival.

      As I once noted at a ‘thanksgiving’ retreat I asked where was the native American to give our thanks too.

      My asking drew a blank.


  19. Daniel says:

    How the West won the Cold War

    • jackwaddington says:

      Daniel: My gut tells me the West did not win the cold war; the east (Russia), lost the cold war. Mainly as a result of the Bolshevik revolution finishing up in the hands of Stalin.

      What it showed in that clip, was the Rusian folk dancing that originated in France, got transposed to Russia, perfected by Balle Russe (Diagalev), then the west took it up, calling it Ballet.

      Had Stalin not been so paranoid he could have actually eventuated the ultimate goal of Marx’s communism. He Stalin stalled it on his inauguration.

      All this put civilization back many decades, that I sincerely contend the next generation yet to be born, will protest, and eventually achieve that ultimate goal … where each of us individually will achieve total sovereignty of ourselves and FREEDOM. As of the moment; it is not comprehended.

      Beware … it on its way.


  20. erlt83 says:

    Received an ad presented on what appears to be letterhead for this page. Gretchen is this valid?
    David Hardy, Primal Class of 86/87 (:

  21. David says:

    ahh , finally got my wordpress Public ID to change; now I need updated photo, I’m again clean shaven.

  22. Margaret says:

    happy Thanksgiving to you too, and to everyone else.
    hope the family gathering is nice, I heard there is a lot of snow in the US .
    yesterday I was at my mom’s birthday with my sister, and will go tomorrow again with my brother and his girlfriend.
    the head nurse told me they have to be very vigilant with her, specially during the nights.
    despite the fixation precautions as a kind of sleeping bag and a bar on the side of her bed to prevent her from falling, she still makes attempts to get out of the bed, even with her broken arm/shoulder, not in a cast. they found her once already with her two legs dangling over the bar on the side of her bed, which would be a pretty high fall.
    they do what they can, checking on her regularly and helping her to the toilet before going to bed and when she asks for it at night.
    during the day she is in a wheelchair, sometimes with the sling, sometimes without as she does not like it and refuses it. the knot on the back bothers her at night as well, so sometimes she sleeps without.
    it is amazing with all of that she does fairly well in remaining active and curious.
    also it was a relief to watch her get out of and back in the wheelchair with the use of one arm and the help of one nurse without too much pain.
    but i got the impression they give her stronger painkillers now as her voice was more soft and her words a bit as if she had drunk sometimes.
    on the other hand sometimes she brought up persons she usually does not even remember. ha, she must be somewhat stoned I guess with the painkiller.
    she is allowed to have one strong one a day apart from the usual paracetamol.
    I tend to think it would be best they give it at night but I cannot control it all of course and must trust their judgments sometimes.
    but I got angry yesterday as she was in her room when we arrived, in her wheelchair but dressed almost in summer cloths, the window half open and the heating off, it was cold in there and drafty and her hands were ice-cold.
    I have told them repeatedly to dress her warmer, but those nurses sometimes go by their own perception, forgetting they are busy and the patients sit still.
    but well, so far so good, I am still very proud of my mom and about the way she copes making the best of things still.
    I hope so much she can get better and heal and have some more nice time we can enjoy together, outside when spring and summer come back!

    • Phil says:

      I hope they can continue to help your mother so that she is comfortable but doesn’t fall again.

    • jackwaddington says:

      Margaret: It’s lovely that you are so concerned and loving towards your mother, but I do feel it’s better asking her what she wants and why she doesn’t want to be strapped in bed.

      I say all this as I can easily relate to her, as I’m in a similar situation … having to get up several times in the night to pee. and do it on my own … my way. Sure enough, I also have to be careful of falling as my balance is not ‘up to par’.

      Jim often insists that I do it his way … That annoys me since as I keep telling him, it’s my body and some of his instances I don’t always find helpful. A good example is if my contact lens slips, and I’m not able to get it back over the eye, I have to ask him, and he hardly relates to what I go through and he insists on doing it his way. Sometimes that hurts, then he gets upset that I twitch from the hurt.

      Sure enough, I’m no always the best judge of things, but I feel ‘it takes two to tango’


  23. Phil says:

    We are back from our Thanksgiving gathering and everything went pretty well. I was sad to see that my uncle has faded considerably and I didn’t spend much time talking to him as a result. I don’t think he’ll ever be able to tell me much more about my mother.. The young people, including my sons, had a great time bonding with each other, and to me, that has always been the main reason for going to these gatherings. Otherwise, they would never have had any contact with my extended family, because we aren’t close.


    • Larry says:

      Now that my parents have both died, my siblings and I and their spouses rarely get together all under one roof, so my nieces and nephews don’t see each other much anymore and miss the big family gatherings.

    • jackwaddington says:

      Phil: I find a lot of this family gathering stuff to be counterproductive, One is either close to one’s family OR not. Luckily we were a close family (due mainly to my mother) but Jim is on the very opposite end of that spectrum … and I understand him and it.

      I contend we take issues about many things, many times that are contradictory to our feelings. Family gatherings are such a case.

      Unless there’s some joy in the gathering; what’s the point?


      • Phil says:

        it isn’t so black and white for me in being either close to my family or not. Of course, if I don’t go to gatherings, there would be no opportunity to be close. My impulse for Thanksgiving is to be with family, and I think that’s important. As I said, I think it’s also important for my kids to be able to connect with my extended family. My aunt and uncle include us in their family gatherings, which is nice, since we have no one else, and they have an intact family which properly relates with each other, and they don’t need to include me.
        My closest family is my sister, but she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t want to be like her. She’s completely isolated herself from the family. Over Thanksgiving, my uncle asked about her, but my answer is always the same every year; I haven’t heard from her. This year I realized a little better why he always asks. He is only 12 years older than her, so it was like a sibling relationship that he remembers.


        • jackwaddington says:

          Phil: I see the poignant line in your response:- ” if I don’t go to gatherings, there would be no opportunity to be close.” as the key.

          I personally don’t feel that going to these events creates closeness. If one is not already close,, then these events don’t make for more closeness. IMO

          Of course, in your case, it’s more than just yourself and as you stated your own kids made connections to cousins and other members of the wider family.

          So I see clearly that for you it’s not so black and white’


  24. Margaret says:

    what makes you think we do not listen to my mom and try to find ways to respect her wishes and still keep her as safe as possible?
    she is not ’strapped to the bed’ as you put it.
    it feels unpleasant how you feel like having to make out as if you know better as usual.
    I should not try to explain this, but one big difference between you and her is that she has no memory of her fall and of having broken her arm. and when she could not walk still, only a few weeks ago, she did not remember and would have gotten up and fallen and broken a hip possibly.
    as soon as she was able to she was encouraged to start walking and moving around but you can’t let people with a case of dementia just do whatever comes up in their minds.
    in that case my mom would still get into her car and on the road, not only a risk to herself but to others.
    I am entirely pleased of how the nurses of the home deal with the actual situation and always check with me about every decision they take.
    they love and respect my mom and she feels it and is very cooperative and likes living there .
    your feelings about your own situation are valid of course, but well, your judgement about my mom’s situation felt somewhat hurtful.

    • jackwaddington says:

      Margaret: I am sorry if you felt my response was hurtful. I am not suggesting that you are not listening to her. Perhaps I’m suggesting that you might try asking her what she wants and then perhaps discussing with her whether or not it is a good idea.

      At the risk of coming across as defensive, I feel it is very important for doctors and the medical profession all the way down to nurses that they spend way more time, listening, rather than a desire to nail it all with a diagnosis. I am experiencing just this with the doctors and doctors assistant where I go for health care.

      I contend the greatness of Art Janov and Primal theory is that more listening and letting the patient come to their own subliminal conclusions, is the way to go. I feel it is a universal opinion that children need to be told how to live life … instead of letting them discover it for themselves. Hense neurosis abounds.

      I feel strongly that your mother’s potential desire to drive a car and be dangerous to herself and others is because of the repression that she got in her own childhood. It is more, as I see it, as a rebellious act, rather than a real deep need to be controlled from doing what she or anyone else, desires (deep down) what to do for themselves.

      Of course, these are just my feeling; and mine alone. If it was seen as me expressing my feelings I feel it would alleviate a lot of anger we have of other’s actions … towards us.

      If this sounds complex or convoluted I’m sorry again.


  25. jackwaddington says:

    Hi everyone: We are in the process of refurbishing the kitchen with another and went to a company that does all this. We decided on one of their units and another company, contracted by them, will come tomorrow to dismantle the present one.

    What we have both realized is the amount of preparation required, and has taken up the whole of this week to prepare for it.

    It turns out to be more than we bargained for and is causing both of a lot of anxiety about the process and whether, in the long run, it will be worth it. I’m coping with the anxiety better than Jim, but it further worries me that he’s not coping very well.
    He got a short jab of ‘a chest’ pain last night, and that has further worried me greatly.

    It seems like we are going to be without a kitchen from tomorrow (Wednesday) until next Tuesday when ostensibly it will all be complete. I am preparing a document as of now, for a check at each stage of the dismantling and replacing like:- water in the rest of our home, electricity, gas and wastewater outlets at both stages:- dismantling and then constructing.

    As time progressed our feeling of confidence in the company has waned somewhat.
    So! I’m letting it all out here and hope it helps.


    • Phil says:

      I can relate to this. We had our kitchen remodeled a few years ago and it was unavailable for complete use for several months. I remember washing dishes in the bathtub and having everything in boxes in the living room. It was very disruptive. None of it went as smoothly as expected. I think this happens because contractors are more motivated to start new jobs than finishing the ones they already have. I’m not sure it was worth all the money and aggravation we went through, but my wife is happy and satisfied with it.


      • jackwaddington says:

        Phil: Wow! I hope to fuck that is NOT what happens to us. It’s been a nightmare for both of us and in particular for Jim as he doesn’t have a way to cope like I have.

        However, stage one has been completed and the old unit is now out; so we are surviving these next 7 days by having stuff laid out on trays on stands and getting water from me the bathroom. Also while it is out, we’ve been able to get a plumber to fix intermediary faucets to the gas and water pipes, to install an electric outlet for the stove exit fan and for electrical ignition for the gas stove. that will connect to the new unit. Next Monday is the time they say thy will come and install it.

        We’ve also prepared cardboard over our wood floor and I have made a list of things to double-check before we let the worker’s walkout after installation. It requires a great deal of thinking and planning since to cancel the whole thing would have meant losing the deposit (the equivalent of $1,000.00).

        BUT as you say, for all the planning, things never go quite the way one hopes. Jim’s answer is:- “never again”, but who knows what is around the corner?

        Thanks Phil, for giving me the opportunity to let the blog know what going on in our ‘nick of the woods’.


  26. Mary Zerebesky says:

    I am looking for a place to live and was wondering if anyone knows of a room to rent, sublet
    or share apartment in La. Need soon. Please get in touch if you know of anything.
    Mary 424-672-5188, email

  27. jackwaddington says:

    Hi everyone: Since the blog seems to be quiet for a while, I thought to offer my ‘same old same old’ in the hope of stimulating some conversation on the subject. So here goes:-

    The interplay between nations is becoming a greater and greater complication due to so-called national interests which often go against personal interests and yet the process seems to be accelerating at a greater and greater pace.

    There is a madness to this whole process, along with global warming that is a sure sign that things cannot go on as they have been doing … yet no-one seems to be offering any form of a solution.

    I contend that very solution was thought up well over a century ago, but because of a lack of intent to implement it, (except one), it got ditched as ‘impractical’. Then that one got ditched for another reason. Thus we kept the madness going.

    Is it a case of “going down the very same rat hole and expecting a different result?” I say yes! … and I’ve suggested an alternative plan to do so …. not that my plan is the correct one, but merely by it being suggested,, others will proffer their own … based on the very same concept.

    Ah well! neurosis abounds and propagates itself over and over again.


    • jackwaddington says:

      On another note:-
      The new kitchen is well on the way now, with the old one having been taken away and all the parts of the new one delivered, but piled up in the living area ready for assembly. I was originally scheduled for next Monday, the 9th, but we got a phone message to say now it will be Tuesday the 10th.

      The problem is making meals and washing dishes which along with most of the space being taken up with boxes of the new one makes life somewhat more difficult.

      It’s bothering both of us, but for me, it’s a case of where the fuck are things that we need and having to walk around all those boxes to get at anything. Chalet living means having minimal space. Then Thursday we got a plumber in to fix the water and drainage system in preparation, and this morning an electrician to fix a new outlet as requested but the company installing it.

      Is this all ‘an omen’ that it’s not going to work out? I sure hope not. Jim is losing sleep over it and I’m just so frustrated, and doing the best I can, to express it without causing a ‘spiral effect’.


    • Phil says:

      The news is very discouraging. Here we have impeachment going on, and at the same time Trump and his associates are continuing with the very same behavior that prompted the investigation. And, there are so many other reasons for impeachment, but it most likely won’t remove him from office. Democracies are not working right, that’s clear to me. I’m in favor of a very weak president or prime minister, who would be unable to do so much damage. Capitalism is also a problem, and out of control, but I still don’t think your alternative plan is the right one. These are not new ideas for me, but I just thought to add that.

      • jackwaddington says:

        Phil: thanks for your response. I agree in general on the point about Trump, and then UK Prime Minister is doing. For me that is a backward step in terms of where I see us, humans, going to start to see us as one species and to stop all this divisiveness, which inevitably brings about all the conflicts, wars and killings.

        On the other hand, it is one thing to see the problem, but it takes a different mindset IMO to figure out a possible solution. So far I see no-one actually looking at the bigger picture of humans as one species and figuring out a solution in terms of that bigger picture.

        I would appreciate any potential solution you yourself could proffer.


        • Phil says:

          A quick response. I don’t have any good solutions in mind. I’m afraid that although we’re very intelligent, we are no different than other animals, in that we can’t go against our basic nature, which is to reproduce and pass on our genes. Over population is the basic problem, and on the whole, we are unable to have concern for other species and the environment.
          Another recent news story is about Germany’s decision to end nuclear power and the problem of what to do with the huge amount of accumulated nuclear waste which will be extremely toxic and dangerous for millions of years. Scientists who push nuclear power may be very smart, but are severely lacking in common sense.


          • jackwaddington says:

            Phil: I totally agree with all you say in this last response.

            Maybe I need to look into why I am so pre-occupied with all this stuff about humanity. So far, I’ve not been able to come up with an answer.


  28. Margaret says:

    Hi Mary,
    so good to hear from you. i had actually been wondering about you lately, hoping you had found a job back then, a few years ago. it seemed like a very hard situation you were in back then and I felt concerned about you.
    hope you find a good and affordable place to live in, you are such a fighter, having managed to stay in LA despite all the hassles.
    are you still working and do you have any option of some retirement income at some point?
    wish you all the very best and hope someone can give you a hand in finding what you need.

  29. Margaret says:

    I feel beat down and sad, kind of hopeless. part of the feeling is ‘no one would want me’.
    the weather is cold and grey, I was supposed to go tango dancing tomorrow but I can’t bring up the courage and energy.
    part of that is I discovered a water leak in my kitchen under the sink and it was literally like the drop making the bucket about to spill over.
    this weekend my brother won’t come over to visit our mom, which feels bad.
    partly it is about her, but when I imagine still having a car and being able to drive over there, it becomes more clear it is also about me being so sad and lonely.
    going to see her would in that regard be seeking some comfort without really feeling able to be entirely open with her or expecting real support of her about feeling so lonely and hopeless about ever finding a partner in life again with my disabilities, not to mention the old feeling of not being of interest or worthwhile.
    I know it is all the more reason to go dancing, but the water leak freaked me out at first, I did not really want to call the janitor as he does not like to be called in the evening or in the weekend.
    then over night I realized the problem was not as urgent as I had feared, the heater leaks slowly and with a few cloths I can keep it under control so far.
    I shared this with a girlfriend and she strongly advised me to take action, so I did text the janitor and he promised me to come by on Monday, which eased the tension.
    but still the feeling lingers and what could be a nice weekend of rest feels at the same time empty, even while I cooked, cleaned, put out the Xmas stuff, also on the front door, which i like.
    I am about to wrap up the actual course when I get the feedback for the corrections to make, and next week will get together with the teacher from the next statistics course to work on the software.
    a few busy weeks ahead, which is good, but still the hopeless feeling has me in its grip right now.
    or sadness and fear whatever, it is paralyzing and prevents me from going out to dance tomorrow.
    it is harder than usual as it is in a new place unfamiliar to me, and I need to get there on my own terms which makes it a bigger challenge still as it is in some kind of warehouse neighborhood, not that easy to find possibly.
    but those are merely excuses together with the water leak in my kitchen to stay home.
    will have to sit it out I guess, I canceled but added my new year’s resolution will be to go dancing next month.
    also one of my cats seemed ill yesterday, so i did plan a visit to the vet in 8 days when I will have someone help me to get there.
    feel bad about my mom not having a visit for seven days, but part of it is me projecting my feelings on her, while probably our feelings are quite similar some of the time, feeling lonely and sad and scared…
    will just give myself a break for now, maybe the feeling will come to the surface in one of my dreams soon…
    feel too overwhelmed with dealing with it all to have access, or to want access maybe.
    what I want is rest and peace of mind and if it would seem possible, some happiness ha, but all I can do right now is moan a bit like this message.
    maybe it will resonate most with Larry, who has been in similar situations of knowing going out to dance would be the best thing to do while still not feeling able to do so on the same moment….

    • jackwaddington says:

      Margaret: I truly sympathize with your current situation and hope things will turn out for the better.

      However, I feel confident that you are doing the right thing by stating it all on the blog here. For someone with your disability with sight, it is remarkable that you are able to write and read on this blog. I also think it shows great resilience in you

      All the very best and hope the leak is not too great of a problem for you to at least survive it, until Monday.


    • Larry says:

      There are a number of things currently that if I did them I would probably feel better, even just doing the dishes piling up in the sink. It’s occurring to me that a big feeling reason why I hesitate is because if I did what I think I should to take care of myself and feel better, I would find out holy smoke, there is only me to take care of me. I think that right now I’m in a dull hole of hesitation, wanting someone to do things for me and take care of me. I don’t want to find out there is only me to do it for me, even if accomplishing what I need to do would be better for me. I am getting into a depressing slump. Part of the reason is due to a cold that has lingered more than a month, but I think another part of the reason is that I’m a terrified little boy who doesn’t want to see that there is only me to take care of me. I’ve succumbed to a kind of frozen state of feeling unable to change, which I know is fear of change. Just having to make a living made me have to overcome my fear and make big changes in my life. I don’t have to make a living now and so there isn’t that impetus driving me to make change that I’m afraid of. I find that making a meaningful retirement requires quite a bit of self-discipline, and courage, that I feel short of recently.

      • jackwaddington says:

        Larry: That is an interesting insight in that post and why you were and still are, to some extent, indecisive.

        I personally discovered my things about me that I did not like, and were not serving me well. Having done that first part I now needed to figure out a way to change it for myself. That I found was the hard part, now I have to face that hard part head-on. Otherwise, I am left suffering from old unexpressed feelings.

        I’m lucky in that I have a partner to share it with. Thanks for putting this forward as I need this blog to keep me as straight as I can be … but it does require effort.


        • Larry says:

          That’s heart warming to hear Jack, surprising even. You’ve always told us you need this blog for the sake of blogging.

          • jackwaddington says:

            Larry: That was one reason … there are actually many reasons why I love blogging and in particular this blog.


  30. Phil says:

    I hope you can go dancing, I’m sure that would be fun, and help brighten your mood, and that you do well with that course.

  31. Phil says:

    Here we are still struggling with the effects of the argument we had in front of our friends some weeks ago. I felt done with it fairly soon by my wife is still clearly upset about it. We both
    have the problem of letting things drag on when we are upset. She has said she doesn’t trust me now, and that makes me feel abandoned and punished, like I’m serving time.


    • jackwaddington says:

      Phil: From the distance, I see that the problem with you and your wife is something I can well relate to, as being something you have to deal with yourself first, without it involving your wife. Leastways that was the way I had to do it.

      Granted; in these types of relationships, it seems only logical that it has to be a two-some resolution. I struggled with that one for sometime before seeing the only way out was to explore what it was about me that seemed to exacerbate the problem, knowing that Jim will be Jim and there’s no way I can change him … but I am able, if I put my energy into it, to change myself.

      I hope this does not offend you and that it might be helpful.


      • Phil says:

        I think I probably do need to address it to my wife some more as it involves the two of us. Maybe I’ll try to do that this weekend.
        On a different note, I went out to yoga class, which was really good and I need to do that more often.
        On the way back in my car I had some feelings about my father, similar to some deeper ones I had the other day. Really about how much I loved him, and didn’t treat him so well, and I have a lot of sadness about that. I’m just having more clarity that he wasn’t perfect, but was the only person I could really count on as a child, all I really had.

  32. Margaret says:

    the water leak is stopped for the moment hurray!
    it took Gregor and Pjotr 3 hours of searching and unmantling chests and water heating system in vain, to then move on to the roof and the little chimney of the heating system to detect where the water was coming from.
    a lot of stress as the heating and water was out of order in the meantime and I worried about it not being solved.
    but although my bathroom and kitchen ended up kind of messy and they had to come back the next day to put a little roof over the chimney, all worked again when they left.
    the visit to my mom was nice too, the whole nursing home was decorated for xmas and there was a Xmas market and nice things to eat and drink.
    it was all the more nice when we discovered they sold handmade ponchos there for only 6 Euro a piece, exactly what my mom needed to wear over her broken arm and hurting shoulder!
    so now she has three ponchos and one coming up soon.
    also very nice was an unexpected meeting in the cafeteria with a long lost friend.
    he was there with his family and reached out to me asking if I was Margaret, my mom’s daughter?
    it turned out to be one of the two little boys with which we used to play when I must have been 6 to 9 years old, friends of my brother initially as they lived in our street.
    I always cherished the memories of being allowed to come along to play football with the three of them, me in the goal as I was the littlest and had no say in the matter.
    I specially liked the younger brother who has died in a car accident sadly enough 20 years ago.
    but styill it was such a nice, warm encounter with that little boy of my childhood now well in his sixties, after not having been in touch for more than 50 years and both liking it a lot to run into each other.
    it was one of those nice surprises that life sometimes offers, and for some reason very uplifting as most surprises are like the water leak, not that pleasant…

  33. Larry says:

    I was thinking I’m not going to bother with sending Xmas cards anymore. Yesterday I received from a friend my first Xmas card of the season, and felt how fortunate I am to have friends who care to send me Xmas cards. After crying primals this morning about how life veered far from optimum for me very early on, sinking into current and very early kid feelings that “I don’t want to live with my truth” because it is so bleak, and crying unfathomable sadness that it’s taken me more than 6 decades of wasted struggle to finally begin to let go and accept that I will never know the feeling of being seen, held, and cared for by loving parents, ever.. from the beginning of my life.. to the present .. and into whatever future I have left … I now sit down to write Xmas cards to friends who I feel fortunate to have.

    With that feeling of the truth of how bleak things have been, I wish to share this medieval music expressing our eternal hope at this time of year for sucour:

    • jackwaddington says:

      Larry: I’ve had the same feeling about Christmas cards, but I decided for the sake of those I am sending them to I decided to do so and am sending out 12. Mainly family but a couple of others,


  34. jackwaddington says:

    Hi Everyone: Finally, after almost a week without a kitchen we now have the new one installed and so far so good. I like it more than Jim does, but we’ve had some consternation as to where certain things should go, after agreeing before it got constructed, as to which things in which cupboards, etc.

    So! Margaret, I am glad you got your leak sorted out, and it related to me, the mess we were in for almost one week. Well! I suppose that is the way things “crumble”.


  35. jackwaddington says:

    Hi everyone: I feel so bad about the UK election and though I am biased since while we were in the EU I was able to use the UK NHS for my health care. Now I will have to buy a separate insurance here in the Netherland when the UK leaves.

    That said I also feel that it is a backward step in terms of where the world is going and I felt that the Johnson campaign did the same as Trump in that it was more spin than fact. From my history classes at school, it all makes sense, but I feel the Brits are hanging onto something that has long since gone.

    I also get the sense, that Trump is doing much the same with lies making it appear to be spin, and painting a picture that is no longer practical, let alone reasonable.

    Where this leaves me:- is feeling somewhat down, and has been like that for me for most of the day. It all convinces me more than ever that what we term as democracy is a system of winners and losers, and I tend to feel this is becoming more obvious due to social media and easy access to it all. Thus I see the division as being more prominent and more bitter.

    There’s gotta be another way … a way that is a win-win.


    • Phil says:

      I have been following Brexit and the UK elections and also find it a disappointing result. I think the Labor party might have been outmaneuvered and had an unpopular leader. They should have taken a strong remain position from the time the question first came up. On this most important question they were equivocal. I hope this isn’t a sign that Donald Trump will be reelected.


      • jackwaddington says:

        Phil: Yep! it has a deleterious effect and I feel it a characteristic of the Brits to want to keep all their traditions … but I contend are not serving them or the country well.

        Of course, as I see it, it’s going to take the young of the next generation, yet to be born that I contend will see what all this governing is doing to us as people. It’s much the same in the US but more critical. There are other countries also jumping on the same bandwagon.

        My feeling … and mine alone, seemingly, That Primal Theory showed us where the problem lies. Now we need to find a way to implement it.


  36. jackwaddington says:

    Hi everyone: After my almost 40 years of therapy and currently seeing the news via social media and TV, I have come to the revelation, and a lot of reflection, that as a baby until my third year, I was not ever, aware of any sense of the following:-
    1) A sense of a deity or a super being.
    2) A sense of belonging to any culture.
    3) A sense of belonging to any nationality.
    4) A sense there was any monetary value to anything
    5) A sense of any rules
    6) A sense of rule-makers (governments, religious leaders, and all other authorities)
    7) A sense of right and/or wrong
    8) A sense of any need of competitiveness,

    It was only AFTER encountering the trauma though my parents, that I began to have some sense of the above mention factors, Especially after being sent to bed before I/we were ready and I/we just wanted to romp and play; then being punished by my father by spanking.

    Slowly I began to form opinions based on these now subliminal traumas. I began, as I now see it, to be driven from my natural self, and feeling the need to go along with the rules that were being set for me, first by my parents, and later on, going to school.

    Now I feel I am able to see the world, the news, TV, social media and the rest of mankind in a similar situation, particularly with respect to politics. All the arguments for both sides of the political spectrum, that people are arguing their own subliminal traumas. It’s a sort of ‘going nowhere fast’

    In conclusion for me, it’s trauma creating neurosis.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s