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Hello everyone! It’s been a long long time since I’ve followed the blog. I remember myself being very detached in comments I would make in the past!! Always desperate it seemed!
Welcome, Crystal! And welcome to your desperate part and your detached part……and the parts you did not mention, namely your caring part, your giving part and your funny part, along with all your other parts.
Thank you Renee!
Renee- I am really feeling detached! The desperate hasn’t quite kicked in! I feel like I’m messaging words and then later- don’t even know what I said!
I think I must go to sleep and rest!
Crystal, I think the part of you that needs to detach is serving an important purpose. Any idea of what it could be?
Renee- I’m still thinking or maybe I should say I will not let myself be still long enough to think about it!
I mentioned to Gretchen in a session that I keep so much stress and so much going on so I don’t have to see myself!
Then the Matt thing conveniently happened!
You have a good son, Crystal. He’s right there for you when you need him. I hope you let him know how much you love and appreciate him.
Renee-
I’m very concerned as of today because I have not heard from him since Friday at 9:30am. No one has. I know he left the hotel and no one has heard from him since Thurs.
I’ve texted photos of his dog, Roxy, that he loves more than anything, but no response. His phone has been off since last Friday phone company says!
LosAngeles detective told me to give it another day and call her back. He’s not been arrested or put in jail!!
I’m feeling very afraid for him!
I’m a little confused here. I thought her son is causing serious emotional distress for Crystal? Or does she have two sons: One easy to be with and the other more problematic? Just confused…
Guru- That is correct! Renee is thinking of the son that is married and has an 8yr old!
Matt is my run-away son that is somewhere in CA! Matt finally called tonight from a Utah phone he borrowed at the beach. So he’s once again living homeless at the beach in Santa Monica!
Crystal, OK got it now, thanks. I have fond memories of walking from Venice to Santa Monica and back almost every day when I was in LA. If I was forced into homelessness, that area would be semi-desirable haunt to roam around due to the nice weather and healthy seaside living. (Just trying to put a sliver of goodness onto a bad situation here.)
Hi Crystal.
it’s Barry of Leslie and Barry, (I always list it in that order now as I’ve finally succumbed to reality 🙂 !) I’m so glad to see you here, as I remember really enjoying your presence at the last Retreat we were at together. Bienvenue.
p.s. If your not THAT Crystal fuggetabout it!
Yes Barry it’s me!! You or Leslie had me as a secret pal!! I still have the Canadian magazine with Christmas recipes, lovely earrings and a Christmas ornament. So it would have been a Thanksgiving retreat!
If it’s earrings, ornaments and thoughtful magazines, then your secret pal was prob’ly Leslie. I’m more of a ‘take you out to lunch’ kinda guy. But hey, I liked you just as much!
I need to throw something out here. I’m stressed for time so I’ll get right into it. My son, Matt Reid left Arkansas a week or 2 weeks ago. I’m sleep deprived and can’t remember.
He called from TX with a $1 and no gas. Went to CO and was 50 miles from my niece house and my nephew told him wasn’t good time to come. Ginger is over 5 treatment centers.
Next call is he is passing Grand Canyon sign and needs gas so I paypaled $50. So he’s in Santa Monica next call and getting money cash app to him.
He called me one afternoon and said he was parked along the beach where the other cars park watching the ocean!! You never have over a 4-5 word conversation on his terms or he gets irate!! I’ve been through this many times so I was trying to not let it consume me as I had in past.
Next call was from my older son last Monday a week ago I think telling me that Matt was involved in an accident and Aaron asked speak officer which said your brother is hurt but would not offer any services or treatment. He walked off with his cellphone. Aaron asked officer to take him to hospital that he was out of his mind. He said he talked clear headed so we cannot!!
I’m talking with wrecker service asking about car and all— she said there’s nothing left of it.
His brakes went out coming down a hill and hit 2 other cars on the Pacific Coast Hwy! She said it was a very bad wreck and the bill is at whatever and part of it was a $1300 charge for Hwy clean up. Matt had all belongings in back.
Rachael n her husband were in another state n drove to LA hoping to find him since we had not heard in 3 days. He finally gets phone charged n calls me n her. They dealt with him for 4 days dancing smiling one moment and the next acting like the devil himself!!
They had to leave Sunday. He had 2nd degree burns and he will not go to a clinic. Feet and ankles swollen can’t wear shoes so she said he’ll not be leaving the hotel!!
I’ve tried to get a temp guardianship order this am and need more papers. I had an appt for involuntary but that’s not good for CA.
Just called LA state hospital or something and they said call 911 to go to hotel to room and pick him up!! I said he will get violent and have strength of 4 men!! Said tell officer!
So getting ready to do that!! I said I was not doing anything but here I am. Left to me. The Dad is busy but was in his care and Matt’s medications weee last filled 1/21/2021
Here I go again being consumed!! I have spent 8am until 4:45pm trying to get a plan!! First off, (and Guru this is because you made suggestions about communication)— I decided to do just that with my son. He does not want one asking about his wounds but I decided in a very nice manner to do so to see the reaction this am. I asked him if his feet and ankles were swollen and if he had tried to put on shoes? Rach said he couldn’t wear shoes. So the reply was — Leave me the fuck along you stupid ass Bitch!! I’m blocking your ass!
So— do I want to help him? In the past, no matter what I would!
But I’m thinking about drawing a line!!
He knows how to use his phone to get what he wants! Someone sent $100 and he ordered lobster! With other money he had, he got on several dating sites!! I don’t know who is sending money. Not me! He will in no way go to a medical clinic nor would he get in that ambulance which tells me if he had done either one he might not be able to do what he’s doing!! I’m just not sure when you draw the line and say- no more help when a person in his mental state is off at times. If 911 came to his room- he could speak very clea.
Update on Matt!! He was very angry last night!! Leaves me a message screaming top of his lungs saying- I hate people that lie to me!!”
Then he calls Rachael later saying he is going to mess up the guy at the other hotel that told him to put hot water on his legs. The next thing he was going to do was go get his car. He thinks he can buy gas and drive it out of the towing yard.
He also said he was not going to kill someone unless Jesus tells him to.
Rachael called 911 to go hotel room and he was nice and said “no sir” “yes sir” to every question!
He’s back on streets today. He called me at noon and said That was the dirtiest hotel he had ever stayed in and he cleaned his room all morning and picked up all the trash outside. Well that’s the reason his dad threw him out of his house is because he didn’t make his bed up because his dad is a real neat freak!!
I’ve been working all day so this hasn’t really hit me yet! He’s so nice during the day and violent at night!!
Just an up date of what’s going on with my son Matt. My daughter and I are in Santa Monica. We drove here from Little Rock to look for him! We went to the pier this morning and talked to Santa Monica police and they directed us to lifeguard office building. The guy there had seen him 2-3 days ago. We left photos and our phone#. About 15 mins later we get a call they spotted Matt! I was in the truck with lifeguard and we kept our eyes on him until the police and firemen got there!! He resisted but they were able to constrain him and get him in the back of truck and then to hospital!!
He yelled obscenities and anything else all afternoon!
I guess we will see what tomorrow brings! I’ve got to get rest so I can think clear .
tomorrow.
Hopefully a good night of rest now!
SHOCKING Video evidence.
Disgusting criminality; the oppression of Palestinian citizens, daily brutalized inside the Horror Prison Camp Israel calls,
‘ Palestine;’ Children, non ambulatory, included. The rehearsed, Stormtrooper Cowardess of another Democratic / Fascist, political schism mentality, Israel, Democracy for Jews, Hellish Fascist Aggression for Occupied Palestinians. With the World’s attention rightly focused on Russian invasion of Ukraine, Israel might feel extra levels of invisability of it’s unchecked war crimes against Palestinians.
As is happening in Russia only Israeli Jew citizens can stop this madness. The , ‘ Free World,’ must stop it’s complicity in the Israel attempts of genocide against Palestinians
0:02 / 8:13
#TYT #IndisputableTYT #News
Israeli Police Attack Palestinian Muslims Celebrating A Holiday Playing
WARNING CONTENT IS DISTURBING
I’d like to share some good news.
I have complained of a lack of energy for years. I’d wake up fairly ok and crash about 2:00pm. I’ve told this to psychiatrists and general physicians and was given help for sleep apnea. I couldn’t tell if my fatigue was from side-effects to my anti-psychotic med, glucose levels, sleep apnea or what. I sensed it wasn’t old feelings or depression. In fact, one of my doctors said if my fatigue was from depression or sleep apnea I’d be down all the time instead of waking ok and going downhill..
Strangely, some times in the past I could sink into the feeling of “I feel so depressed” and feel better. It was a feeling unto itself.
It seems I was simply overdosing on caffeine. Caffeine is so strange. It has a reputation for giving energy, but above a certain level it was making me tired and sick. If I wasn’t feeling ok I’d take more and more in the hopes it would help and it backfired on me.
Years ago I heard of “sleep deprivation” for depression. If we get up very early, it helps. Just going to sleep late doesn’t.
Also, my neurologist at Kaiser who specializes in sleep said too much sleep can make a person “sleep drunk.”
looking forward to comments on this. Both caloric and sleep ,’deprivation,’ affect me. I try to practice, if I ‘ wake up, get up Going back to sleep really makes me feel quite ill, brain and body….
April 16, 2022
John Lennon: “It’s hard enough I know just to FEEL your own pain” (“Aisumasen” 1973).
Indeed, that was his experience but really. Is this the nature of (the larger framework of) personal reality?
Is is ALWAYS a struggle?
Is it always HARD, for crying out loud (also known as having a primal)?
To paraphrase Christ, do the birds of the sky worry about how they will eat?
Do the lilies of the field try to “figure out” how to grow?
Isn’t there an endemic ease underlying all creation?
All right. Humanity is damaged goods in one way or another. Dr. Janov gave us considerable information about how this came about within the framework he confined the discussion. He was probably wise to “keep it there” for any number of reasons (and stay out of more existential question such as “why did we have the particular childhoods we had?); or maybe the doc felt like it was “above his pay grade so it wasn’t his ‘yob’”.
In his life’s body of work of almost exactly 50 years, he left us with MUCH to ponder, to experiment with, to incorporate into our own personal Knowing and, yes, even to reject or alter. Indeed!
Janov is not among the living but WE are, last time I checked which was earlier today when I had to pee from TOO MUCH coffee.
Possibly we should see much of our suffering, frustration, seeming powerlessness as simply feedback. Maybe that alone can provide some succor.
Maybe, just maybe we can begin to objectify all this material and see it more for what it is: either the poison of the wretched or the food of the gods, that is, our choice.
Obviously if we see it as POISON we’ll ignore, block, medicate, eat-away, intoxicate, etc.
But if we do, the Feeling Child won’t be heard; that crying five-year-old standing on the sidewalk crying out: “What about ME? What about me, MOMMY? What about ME, daddy?” (in some cases it could be grandparents or others who raised the kid but you get the picture).
To quote Dr. J: “have a primal”.
As an aside he said “we’d have fewer wars if we had more crybabies”.
Arthur Janov’s books, especially the first one I think reminded us that there is a preternatural reality which is actually our heritage as human beings born into three-dimensional reality.
I think the child has a closer connection to this, what you could call, a multi-dimensional, experiential realm. For the most part, I think the child assumes (at least on one level) it will grow to more fully be in and enjoy such a spacious reality.
That the circumstances of its gestation, birth, infancy, toddler-hood, early childhood, childhood and adolescence all seemed to have conspired to deny the child its heritage of ease, natural grace and expanded reality were the focus of Janov’s books.
The “why” we all each had such dramatically disparate experiences is the larger framework of reality and basically is essential to the larger understanding that Dr. Janov didn’t address, again as this was not his specialty. He simply left it to others.
And, the “primalers” are among the others. We’ve all to an extent, glimpsed the Promised Land. We can never go back.
Speaking for myself I try to remind myself of this regularly that eventually Puff the Magic Dragon will one day return sadly to its cave.
Gretchen, thanks for the new page. The problem having old pages with thousands of comments on them is that they become a “memory hog” gobbling up lots of RAM on a desktop or mobile device, especially if you leave lots of browsers tabs open when web surfing.
I’ve had several instances where I’ve run into a ‘fatal memory exception’ error causing a crash. Once I removed the tab with with Primal blog page containing thousands of comments, it usually clears up the problem.
A secondary problem is a page taking a long time to load.
Here I am again.
Subscribing
Following
Continuing with the topic of racism. When my sister was in high school and later, and when I was 8 or 9, she volunteered with the Vista organization, to help poor people living in the ghettos of NYC. She did this even though our own family was pretty poor, saddled with big medical bills, and the family was falling apart.. The town where we lived was pretty much 100% white at that time.
I remember many discussions about the civil rights movement went on in our kitchen between her and our father. One time she came home with a black kid who stayed at our house for the weekend. I don’t remember much about this , except she wanted me to take a bath with this boy, I guess to demonstrate racial harmony. She had the bath water running, but I refused. I didn’t want to be forced to take a bath with anyone.
Phil
Phil given all the difficult problems going on in your own household, it is interesting that your sister could find the energy/impetus to engage in civil rights matters. Maybe there was a connection between her experience of the problems with your father and the civil rights issues? It kind of reminds me of the TV show “All in the Family” where Archie Bunker and Gloria had their arguments about civil rights. Watching them it always struck me that the real problem was about their relationship, and the civil rights issues seemed peripheral. And your sister trying to get you to bathe with another boy—another race or not—that just seems weird. I am glad you refused. It seems like the poor boy was being used as a pawn in some ways: to show that she was enlightened on social justice or to rub it in your father’s face?
If any of you are still interested in watching some or all of the conversation between Gabor Mate and Resmaa Menakem on racialized trauma and how to heal from it, you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlbEnYsaI5A. I think it is available until the end of today. The conversation starts at minute 2:00, if you want to skip over the uninspiring intro.
Renee, thanks, I watched a little of the video. Where I have a problem is, how does Menakem conclude that we all have the traumas of hundreds of years of slavery and racism in our black and white bodies? None of that comes out in my feelings.
I mean, it seems to mostly be an intellectual construct. He maybe has grabbed onto to the idea that traumas are held in our bodies, which is currently popular, and attached his own ideas. I’m sure racism traumatizes people, and slavery certainly would have, but I don’t see that as supporting everything he says. He presents no evidence as far as I can tell.
He seems very angry, I guess because of the idea of all those years of racism and slavery, and that not everyone agrees with his conclusions, and as to what should be done about it all.
It could be that his anger has other sources, probably the usual primal kind, but he’s disconnected from that, and instead focuses on racism. Not that it isn’t a problem.
Phil
Phil, I think you must’ve watched so little of the video that you missed where Menakem explains how and why both black and white bodies carry de-contextualized, historical trauma.
I appreciate your honesty, though. As you say, I think for most of us white folk this stuff IS just an “intellectual construct” created by an angry black man who hasn’t dealt with his primal pain. We don’t have to worry that we could get killed going for a jog (Ahmaud Arbery), sleeping in our beds (Breonna Taylor), driving with a broken taillight (Sandra Bland), walking home from the convenience store (Trayvon Martin) or being suspected of using a counterfeit $20 bill (George Floyd). We also don’t have to worry that our sons or nephews or grandsons could get killed by police for playing with a toy gun in the park (Tamir Rice). In other words, systemic racism just doesn’t affect us.
The one thing that you say that surprised me was that you don’t seem to believe that trauma is held in our bodies, as if there is a split between the two. When I see you, I can see your trauma from your relationship with your “lifeless” mother embedded in your face. When I look in the mirror, my overall sad facial expression reflects both my own traumas and my mother’s traumas. Looking at Gabor Maté’s face, it is not hard to see his Jewish mother’s anxiety embedded in it (he was an infant when the Nazis occupied his birth home of Budapest).
As for evidence of generational trauma, take a look at this researcher at Columbia University describe in simple words how trauma is past down through generations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBkVx12yc2M. (Breakthrough: The Trauma Tracer.) FYI, and on a lighter note, I had some pretty cute dresses when I was 2 years old, but not one as cute as this toddler’s dress in this video!
Renee,
I wasn’t saying that trauma isn’t held in our bodies. But some currently popular therapies focus only on the body, as if just feeling some sensations is going to release it all. I’m not denying the trauma of racism, but for each individual experiencing it, there is a context, isn’t there? The context is during that person’s lifetime and specific experiences, I would think. Not something that happened in 1660 or 1865. It can be directed passed down through the generations by people’s behaviors. So, I don’t get the part about “deconceptualized trauma”, and the need for that theory.
Phil
I meant to say “decontextualized trauma”, which is what’s talked about in the video.
Phil, thanks for clarifying what you meant……that it is some of the newer therapies’ exclusive focus on the body that you disagree with, not the idea that trauma is stored in the body. I tend to agree with you. Although, I feel like a bit of a dinosaur when I say that! Besides, I haven’t actually tried one of these therapies, like sensorimotor psychotherapy. I’m assuming you haven’t either. So perhaps we shouldn’t be so quick to judge.
Renee,
I haven’t denied systemic racism exists, depending on exactly what that term means. In the part of the video I watched, Menachem seemed to say that systemic racism effects us all, no matter what our skin color, but I don’t believe it has directly effected me, except where there was violence and segregation in communities I’ve lived in etc. I’m feeling done with this subject for now, and not attracted to watching the rest of the video, or other related ones.
More relevant would be personal experiences related to racism, of which I have little to share.
Here is another conversation from the recent “Wisdom of Trauma” series. It is between Gabor Mate and V (formerly Eve Ensler, who wrote the Vagina Monologues”). It is titled, “The Trauma in the Body of the World”. Here she draws an analogy between how the systems of Capitalism and Colonialism treat women and how they treat the environment. Yes, it blew my mind……see if it does yours too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gt8otEBBqXA. Start it at minute 3:00 to bypass the presenters. FYI, Gabor Mate was directly influenced by the work of Arthur Janov. And I think you will see this influence in his work. This video is also available until the end of today.
Renee, as we all know you’ve done a fair bit of proselytizing to us about racial matters, and it’s starting to make me wonder how much your relationship with your father may have driven your adult psychosocial outlook? You’ve discussed your mother and your siblings to some extent, yet nary a word about your dad and what possible unconscious role he may have played in all of this.
U go guru!!! The rest of us need a break!
Barry, just to be clear I wasn’t trying to perform a ‘gotcha’ or a ‘zinger’ on Renee. I just felt that there is something more going on here than most of us might be seeing.
Yes, I did read her post explaining how racism became important to her via the interactions with colleagues and her innate desire to help the underdog in any structure borne by capitalism.
Renee wrote in the past about a guilt-based relationship with her family of origin, so I was starting to wonder if this is ‘bleeding over’ into ‘white guilt’ over mistreatment of other races, and somehow this guilty energy is being transferred onto the rest of us here on the blog. In other words, we should feel racial guilt too so it can aid her in expiating her own guilt which may be debilitating to her personally.
Armchair psychoanalysis is just a hobby of mine, so take all of the above I wrote with a grain of sea salt.
I mean, I could definitely see why sensitive and socially conscious whites who may have benefitted from South Africa’s old apartheid system, either directly or indirectly, could feel a lot of guilt and/or shame over that. Throw in more guilt and shame as part of a possibly dysfunctional family dynamic, and I could almost see an overwhelming urge to expiate personal guilt by trying to make every white person around me feel the same guilt I am feeling.
Maybe I am wrong about all this. I don’t know.
April 16, 2022
Re: racism
I believe that, at it’s core, “racism” is simply a way to avoid feeling “Pain” (capitalization, Arthur Janov’s term, “The Primal Scream”, 1970).
If one in some ways makes him or herself “superior” to another person based on race (and of course in other areas of human endeavor) they are pushing away (what people judge as) uncomfortable feelings. This isn’t “bad” or “good”. It is an objective fact.
For “victims” of racism, they will normally feel hurt, maybe act out being “inferior”. These would resonate with their own “Old Feelings” (capitalization, Arthur Janov’s term, “The Primal Scream”, 1970) where they were made to feel “two foot tall” (John Lennon’s line in “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”, the Beatles, 1965).
Concomitantly, for example, “black rage against racism” is the covering up inner devastation and hurt (often from “Mommy” in a fatherless home), the other side of the coin (remember?–paraphrasing Janov, “we” could give these angry people “everything” they wanted but it would not touch the “Pain” inside from the first 12 or so years of life).
It is kind of a drama often, sadly, played out over an entire lifetime between the two groups where each essentially is acting out a role (“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.”: William Shakespeare from “As You Like It”, Act 2 Scene 7, Lines 139-40; Jacques to Duke Senior and his companions).
Remember what Art Janov said “neurosis is a life sentence”.
In my opinion, in various books, articles and emails (on the “human condition”) written by Arthur Janov, there are some valid ideas for a person to begin to access and feel the “Pain”; and expedite integrating the concomitant feelings which would then bring to light these hurtful adapted “racist” attitudes, created to cover that “Pain”. You could say that this is the Unreal Self (Arthur Janov, “The Primal Scream”, 1970).
Fortunately, although Primal Therapy might be a good training framework for an individual to expand and develop his or her abilities to “feel”, it isn’t a necessity. We all can honestly work with our feelings and hopefully over time become more skilled at recognizing attitudes we adopted (starting in early childhood) to keep us from feeling and thus integrating them.
I daresay, to a large extent, we control the audio. We control the video as they used to say on the old TV show “Outer Limits”; that is to say we obviously need to adopt an intrepid attitude towards our largely blocked-off self which necessarily requires beginning to speed up the process of removing the blinders.
This obviously includes CRYING. For more on “crying” check out some of the books written by Janov as well as excerpts for the doctoral dissertation of Barry Bernfeld, M.A., and therapist at the Primal Institute in Los Angeles.
good you are here on blog crystal. you probably remember my wife barbara more than me. dont say my real name on blog please. anyway, you won’t be hearing me speak much on blog nor checking for replies although i should. i am the loner, afraid-of-people-until-my-last-breath-possibly-narcssistic-like-some-of-the-rest-of-us-primal-people. I again be NOT SPEAKING in group today. I will again be NOT going to group today. We will be meeting our youngest son Alex in the Grove in L.A. for Father’s Day or just a quick strategy session for his upcoming restraining order court date on Thursday. Guess he should not have gotten married and had kids either. Like me, who gave him all the anger and bad parenting that has led to this sorry situation. Oh well, we survived the pandemic physically, but now what? Oh yes, the other son John is somewhat successful but Alex says his company is doing bad, he has a bad back that requires probably narc meds, spends the evenings drinking himself to blackout, but has a lovely wife and thus who knows for how long. ANYWAY, SAME OLD BARB, BURSTING IN WHILE I SPREAD MY SHIT to those who don’t need my shit. I don’t want fathers day gifts from john and wife or barb. Stop spending money! Now we have to give alex our last bit of credit card money for lawyer. After we gave last bit of money to the vet of our 2 stupid but loving cats. I am sure we will pull back from money worries; that is just a constant in our life. I AM NOT ASKING FOR CHARITY NOR WILL I TAKE IT. Barbara’s sister is sitting in a 2 million dollar house but I only say that why? Because I am a creep. I hate and am jealous of people who had more than me. I grew up with a grandmother who gave me a lot of my creepiness and depression. Barb’s sister has given alex a place to stay while he gets his life together. Alex is seeing ‘E’ the therapist and sounds a million times saner than that night where he went totally nuts 2 months ago. I am eternally grateful for the small house we are renting in the valley. It is really climate change here, hotter than hell, and the air is not breathable and my only certainty in this life is death. We watched memoirs of a geisha and my takeaway is a line that I have probably mangled. This line said by the chairman or the friend who saved his life during their rape of nanking. This line said to the geisha that the chairman kindly saved during her childhood and then again as American bombs were about to fall on her town. Some line that goes like ‘Life goes really well sometimes, and it is a surprise gift!’ . I could never utter all the words aforementioned in group because I have a speech deficiency. But that line from the movie does give me almost a tear. Why? 10 months of good mom before she disappeared? Some other good times I have had in life? Or just that life itself is the only gift no matter what, that you appreciate more the closer it comes to being gone forever.
Gosh this all seems so sad!! I had no idea you were going through this with the boys!
After listening to you, a friend that is brutally honest said to me— “No one abuses you more than you abuse yourself”!! You sound as if you do this to yourself too, but I understand because there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel!!
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I sure hope it’s not more clouds!!
I had talked to Barbara quite a bit back in 08 when my son had a psychotic episode! She tried to be helpful but I couldn’t see the forest fore the trees! I’ve never accepted how serious ADD can be and people seem to joke and use it as a joke! It’s no joke or laughing matter, because it can really debilitate you!! Here I am rattling on… i say this because I think I have trouble with people helping me because I’m going in so many directions until…I stop, Look and Listen!! It’s taken me 64 years to see this!! I don’t always do it, but learning to catch myself.
My son, Matt, who is now 41 is going through another psychotic episode! He is in LosAngeles now in a hotel my daughter put him up in for 7 days after he had a horrific wreck in Malibu last Sunday night!
I’ve learned that adult children can drain you of every ounce of energy and they are not bothered if they are not in reality! I’ve been down this road too many times with him and yes I could have been a better Mother, but what’s happened has and I cant change it, but I’m not letting it consume me this go around!! He can sound like the devil himself and his dad and my daughter abuse me, but I’ve taken a stand to not allow it!! I can cut him a little slack but I’m not tip toeing! I think this is a letter to myself!!
Thank you for replying and your honesty. Tell Barbara hello please.
rest your soul, gramma. you gave so much to keep us alive and i did care about you, for what it is worth now
hi Crystal,
yes, I remember you from several retreats at La Casa de Maria.
how are you doing?
nice to hear from you again here!
Margaret
Hi Margaret-
I was good when I first jumped on here! But you know Margaret I’m not doing good!!
I’m trying to think the last retreat we were at together! I was last at a Thanksgiving retreat in 2016. Were you at that one?
—Crystal
Hi Crystal,
Nice to see you on the blog. How are you doing?
Phil
Thank you for asking. Maybe save that question for September! That’s the month I’ve set my goal to have everything in order! Ha!
-Crystal
i used to be young like this kid. what a loss. a monumental loss for me, since…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY R.E.M. – It’s The End Of The World (Official Video) just sayin’
bad news. i am writing my feelings on the work chat on the computer to the right of this one. that is my work-from-home computer. some slightly difficult computer issue that i had no desire to fix and was obviously reminding me that i am the world’s worst father, not to mention just in-general the biggest pile of shit on the planet (which i probably learned from different parental figures in my childhood). and i have cried about that before, but i am at home, the walls are too thin for me to feel comfortable to cry, barb seems to have abandoned primal sometime ago and i was not comfortable crying in front of her even when she did follow this mantra ; the immigrants on either side of our house maybe feel comfortable about crying about their losses, but i don’t. scorpio–cancer new or full moonish mix. a good time for freely flowing rivers of tears, even in drought-stricken california
Not true Barry! You are a great gift giver ! Gretch
Never was so much caring owed by so many to so few. – Just sayin!! Barry
Renée,
Thanks for your elucidation (back at the previous page) of how your ideas and fields of interest have developed over the years. Knowing where you’re coming from makes it easier to understand and empathise with you. Contrary to your fear, I have no intention, nor inclination nor the power, to exclude you from anything, especially not from my “world of primal travellers”. Why would you think that?
I’m glad that you can understand and empathize with where I’m coming from, even if you disagree with me. Why would I think you want to exclude me? Actually, upon reflection, I made a mistake by saying that. I think you want me here so that you can use me as your punching bag when I trigger you. It sucks when this happens. Reminds me too much of my brother……the work of healing sometimes seems never-ending.
Strange thing using someone as a punching bag. It only works if the victim is helpless.
Crystal,
I seem to remember the last retreats I was in, were summer retreats.
I haven’t been to one for several years now, and am not good at all in keeping track of time and dates, but probably our last last retreat together was a summer retreat.
No, white Americans don’t have to worry they could get killed like unarmed Ahmaud Arbery, Breona Taylor, Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin or George Floyd.
However, they might be slightly concerned they could get killed just like white and unarmed Timothy Smith (running from police officers, shirtless and wearing a pair of shorts), William Lemon (suspected robber, failed to show his hands upon request), Ryan Bolinger (walked toward a policewoman’s car. She wrongly assumed he had a gun), Daniel Elrod (allegedly failed to show his hands upon request), Ralph Willis (mistakenly thought to be drawing a weapon), David Kasich (shot twice in the back), Six year old Jeremy Martis (sat in a car with his father), Autoumn Steele (shot by a policeman responding to a domestic-disturbance call), Derek Cruice (shot in the face during a marijuana raid), Tony Timpa (practically identical to the killing of George Floyd), or Daniel Shaver (a pest control specialist on a business trip).
I know the current identitarian groupthink flooding America mandates believing that there is a racial bias in deadly police shootings. After all we’ve seen the footage. But although I looked, I couldn’t get decent, rigorously researched data showing it to be true. Whatever data I did find pointed to the contrary. My conclusion is it’s part of the current shift, much aided by social media, from reality to aesthetics. It doesn’t matter what the facts are, what matters is the optics.
What matters are the facts, not one’s preferred optics. Those darn inconvenient facts.
If only these facts could change based on one’s subjectivity:(
U.S. facts— https://news.yale.edu/2020/10/27/racial-disparity-police-shootings-unchanged-over-5-years:
“Using information from a national database compiled and maintained by The Washington Post, researchers found that victims identifying as Black, Indigenous, or People of Color (BIPOC), whether armed or unarmed, had significantly higher death rates compared with whites. And those numbers remained relatively unchanged from 2015 to May 2020. The report appears in the Oct. 27 edition of the Journal of Epidemiology and Public Health.
In an analysis of 4,653 fatal shootings for which information about both race and age were available, the researchers found a small but statistically significant decline in white deaths (about 1%) but no significant change in deaths for BIPOC. There were 5,367 fatal police shootings during that five-year period, according to the Post’s database. In the case of armed victims, Native Americans were killed by police at a rate three times that of white people (77 total killed). Black people were killed at 2.6 times the rate of white people (1,265 total killed); and Hispanics were killed at nearly 1.3 times the rate of white people (889 total killed). Among unarmed victims, Black people were killed at three times the rate (218 total killed), and Hispanics at 1.45 times the rate of white people (146 total killed).”
Canadian facts— https://criminallawoshawa.com/2020-likely-a-record-breaking-year-for-deaths-by-police-in-canada/:
“Black and Indigenous Canadians are disproportionately represented amongst those fatalities resulting from encounters with police compared to the overall population. Indigenous people account for 16% of the deaths, but only make up 4.21% of the population. Black Canadians who died after police used force account for 8.63% and only make up 2.92% of the population in Canada.”
U.K. facts— https://www.inyourarea.co.uk/news/black-people-are-being-disproportionately-targeted-by-police/:
“Police are five times more likely to use force against Black people than White people.
They used force tactics 614,660 times in 2018/19 where the ethnicity of the person is known – including tactics such as handcuffing, other restraint, use of batons, irritant sprays, tasers and firearms.
Of those, 447,337 tactics were used against White people, and 94,222 against Black people – a rate of 90 times per 10,000 White people and 450 times per 10,000 Black people.
In particular, police were 11 times more likely to use firearms (including cases where they were not fired), eight times more likely to use batons and six times more likely to use handcuffs on Black people.”
We have to stop that identitarian groupthink from flooding America (not to mention Canada and the U.K) and mandating that we believe that there is a racial bias in deadly police shootings! Identitarian groupthink is the real problem!
Your chance in your lifetime of being killed in a car crash is 1 in 110. This is about ten times the 1 in 1,000 probability of someone in the highest-risk demographic, black males, being killed by police in his lifetime.
Also I’m curious to know why Asians were excluded from these police studies you mentioned?
Crystal, I am so sorry you are going through this. I do think action must be taken to get him to a hospital. Burns that serious can easily become infected. It’s very, very serious. Please keep us posted . Gretchen
Thank you Gretchen. It seems my only resort is to call 911 and the hospital said to tell them he might become violent.
Hi Crystal, although I don’t know you personally, the minute you wrote the word “Arkansas” I suddenly had a vague memory of your being here on the blog for a while many years ago.
I have a question for you:
Are there any circumstances where you can have a calm discussion with your son at all?
This seems to be a crucial first step to walking through the hell you seem to be experiencing.
I appreciate what an incredibly rough and trying time you are having right now. I could feel the discouragement and helpless despair in what you wrote.
Guru-
He has been very manic for the last 2 weeks. His tone of voice can change in a split second if not on his terms! My daughter said while here in person – he almost punched her a couple of times!! I have tried many ways such as going along with him! I’ll send photos of the mini Australian ShepherdI bought him in 2017 that he was never able to take care of! He loves her and will respond with- She’s so adorable😍- so I push it no farther than that!!
He’s made 2 calls to me today— one was about the Cash App and wanting a code on there and I wasn’t quick enough so he yells “ignorant”- you can’t do anything!!!!!at the top of his lungs!
The second call was about the homeless being removed from the beaches into homes and he had sat out to do what he wanted to do!
So, no- Guru it’s difficult to have any conversation. I’m on pins and needles everytime his name pops up on phone!
He’s controlling everyone right now!! He’s delusional at times and a lot of people do not notice until they speak with me.
My daughter thinks he’s experiencing trauma from the wreck among other past ptsd!
I don’t think he’s reachable right now.
—Crystal
Crystal, the only feedback I can possibly offer in your fraught situation is a reminder that, although you can’t control how your son will act out, you can control how you want to respond to him now and in the future. I hope you can take some time to carefully consider how you want to communicate with him, either by being acquiescent or firm with him, in a way that works out the best for both yours’ and his mental wellbeing.
Is your son aware of Primalling? If so, does he have an opinion about it? I wonder if this would be an avenue with which to draw a closer bond with him through mutual feeling exploration or buddying.
I feel as though I am walking through a minefield with this post and I don’t want to give you potentially disastrous feedback, so I will stop here for now.
Crystal, this all sounds very stressful and disturbing. I hope your son will start to listen to reason, so that his issues can be taken care of. I have two sons and I’m not sure what I would do in that situation. I can’t really imagine drawing any line, but nothing like that has happened. I hope things will improve.
Phil
Crystal, I read your latest post and I do wish you the best of luck with everything. I only want to add that, even though we can control our reactions to others, it’s not always EASY to control said reactions.
A great case in point is the incredibly annoying, distressing, and harrowing predator neighbor I am completely surrounded by. What a silver-tongued snake oil sack of dogshit! I still become uncontrollably furious at the situation for at least a short while every day. Vicki suggested I have to extract myself from such volcanic fury one step, one thought, at a time.
I like Vicki’s suggestion!!
Yesterday I had a lesson with a different saxophone instructor; something my wife set up as a birthday present. I was very nervous ahead of the online class, because this guy is a star band leader and alto saxophonist, and I’m still more or less a beginner.
I’ve shared one of his performances below, we’ve seen him at our local club many times. His showmanship is also outstanding. Well, the lesson was fantastic, like 10 times better than my current teacher, although his price is higher. I was getting annoyed by my current teacher because he uses up too much of our half hour classes chatting, and he had me spending too much time warming up playing scales. Partly my fault too, for being lazy and not saying anything. The last time I saw him was especially bad, and I felt he was rude. I decided to suspend classes with him for June and July because I injured my throat/nose sax playing. While blowing on the sax, the throat has to be wide open, otherwise air can go the wrong way, which I think was happening. But I sometimes tend to tighten my throat, which seems to also be feeling related. It’s one of the ways I use to hold feelings in. I seem to be almost recovered this week, and hopefully will learn to avoid that problem.
Anyway, it is a good opportunity to change music teachers and get a much better one, so I’m feeling very excited about it. I sent him an email this morning expressing my desire for ongoing classes. I don’t see myself becoming a performer, I’m just a big music fan, and it’s giving me a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction learning to play.
Phil
Wow Crystal, I’m so sorry for your troubles – as we Irish people say. You must not know what side is up right now. And you’re going to have everything in order by September???
I would be seriously impressed by that! Although I guess it would mean you had a hell of a good therapist. 🙂
(correction) not to mention all the screaming at me and jumping on my front porch
But he was smiling all the time, was he not?. Just ask him in for a pint, you’ll be lifelong pals in no time so you will. (Spoken with an adorable Irish lilt)
Nice music Phil. A great band.
Thanks
Renée,
On first looks it might seem as if the third and last paragraph of my comment, however tentatively written, was what got you all worked up. After all that was the one, the only one, you chose to grapple with. But I actually think it was the second paragraph that did it, as it picked your unequivocally expressed assertion that, “We [white people] don’t have to worry that we could get killed [by the police]”, and showed that assertion to be false.
I now regret writing that third paragraph because that wasn’t the point I was trying to make, and because it included the ingredients that made it easier to sidestep the issue.
However, since you so triumphantly and decisively brought data-driven reports as if they completely and utterly supply a definite answer and close the case, I must explain why in my opinion they do nothing of the sort, why they are not what I called in my comment “decent, rigorously researched data”. In fact, they teach us close to nothing.
The reason these reports are lacking is they are population-based (I will limit myself to the US report because that one was published in a journal). In other words, they compare the number of police fatal shootings for each race to that race’s proportion in the general population. If, say, black people represent 13% of the US population then any representation among those killed by police above 13% is, in such an approach, presented as proof of racial bias against them.
That is a completely flawed, even misleading, metric. Such an overall population-based benchmark would be appropriate only if police randomly shot people to death. In such hypothetical random shootings it would stand to reason that if no bias existed, of those shot 73% would be white, 13% black, and 5.5% Asian, corresponding to their proportion in the general US population. If, on the other hand, it was found that, say, 30% of those shot were black it would then be, according to this approach, a real sign of racial bias.
However, the police do not shoot at random. Shootings are a function of police activities, their encounters with civilians.
To make it even clearer let me give another example, now using real data from the same data set the US report you linked to used – the victims of police fatal shootings by gender:
A population-based approach, the same one used in that report to show racial bias, would require that since women comprise about 50% of the population, they should also represent around 50% of those fatally shot. It could then go on to claim that since men are over-represented and women under-represented, it means that the police is a highly sexist organisation, perhaps operating in an extreme man-hating, matriarch society.
But of course, this isn’t the case and the above conclusion – that the police are a sexist, men-hating organisation – is very poor social science. It is likely that the reasons for men’s over-representation among those fatally shot are that variables other than gender bias are involved. For example, the police have more encounters with men as men are more involved in crime (the variable: number of encounters by gender), and in their encounters, men on average are more aggressive than women (variable: the type of encounter). In research terms, the researcher using a population-based benchmark is failing at the most important first step: he or she is not isolating the variable studied – in our case a bias – and the results he or she is getting are highly likely to include confounding variables which distort the picture.
A high-quality research would correct for those confounding variables by taking into account at least the two variables I mentioned (number and quality of encounters with the police). For example, if blacks represent 13% of the population but 30% of the encounters the police have, it would change the picture accordingly and give a better explanation of their over-representation among those fatally shot.
Such studies are rarer, mostly because the datasets used are not as robust and detailed as one would hope. My guess is that because of the public interest in the near future that will change, and future studies will be more accurate and telling. It is worth mentioning that those rarer studies did find in some data sets anti-black bias in non-lethal use of force.
As for me, if future good studies will show a racial bias in police killings I will readily accept that as true. So far, as I wrote in my previous comment, that has not been the case.
Daniel, you’re a genius! I don’t know why I never recognized this about you before. Of course, there is no bias in who the police are targeting, brutalizing and killing. There are only people who don’t know how to analyze data accurately! So, they’re coming up with the wrong facts. I hope you’re considering educating the public about this problem, including the editors of Journal of Epidemiology and Public Health. Many of us white folk don’t appreciate this bad, indecent and not rigorous kind of research that suggests there could be problems with our wonderful institutions and systems.
I spend time and effort looking into and then showing an unwarranted claim is false, going into specifics, supplying actual instances and names. In return I get an angry personal attack.
I do my best to explain why I think something, using examples and rationale that I am at pains to make clear. In return I get a cynical diatribe without any argumentation.
finally a little down time, listen to prince, bach, watch clips of young frank. had a scare that the cat was not going to poop again but she laid out a big one tonight, the old white cat has perked up from a down trend, kid has what seems to be a good lawyer, and even though cats and kid took all my money i found out i can get some money out of my 401k even though i am not yet retired. replenish the credit card coffers, get barb some teeth and eyes and whatever else. terribly busy week of work but maybe repugs are falling finally, at least rudy might be. ha! tomorrow i will pay the price for feeling hopeful.
yeah those low tones of the cello speak to my tears. hope maybe but jesus fing christ, i am still fucking dying. some day. permanently.
crystal, my kid was bonkers 2 months ago. today a total turnaround. knock on wood. covid year made the world nuts and still does. maybe his wife really was toxic. he is better off without her. but the kids, the poor young kids went through a bit of bad time.
It’s really stressful going through problems with our sons. Did your son reach out for help on his own? Or did you have to force it!
Matt is way more bonkers tonight!! Left a message on my phone screaming at the top of his lungs!!!Then calls my daughter and says he’s getting his car tomorrow and driving it out of the wrecking yard!! He said he’s also going to the hotel in Santa Monica and beat the crap out of the guy that caused his legs to be burned!!
So Rachael is calling the Mental Health Crisis Line! At this point we have to take action before he hurts someone!!
He can talk so normal and go to violent in a couple of hours!!
I am so glad your son is doing better and stable again.
Crystal, my son’s wife reached out for help to us, when Alex was being a maniac asshole to her, which ended up with him destroying stuff in their apartment and moving to ohio for 2 months, and coming back and still being stupid or willful enough to get a restraining order filed against him. yes, we should have tried to do more before the situation played out on its own. like i said, he almost sounds normal now
Otto- in listening to you, I’m really scared and feel like a really bad parent. I’ve let this play out too long. Thursday or Friday was the last day of his week long provided hotel room by my daughter and her husband.
I don’t know what I was thinking about how he could survive leaving Extended Stay at LAX
With no money or anything. He has not called anyone. Phone is off since I last talked to him noonish on Friday. I called the place where car was towed and he has not called them
Or showed up because that was on his list.
My fear is that he will hurt someone or someone hurt him! We think his burns may be infected because that was a very sore spot with him if you asked for photos.
I can only hope he is safe in a hospital and does not want his family contacted.
anyway, just wanted to say a little bit about group today. i fucking hate group, nothing new there. i don’t ever expect to feel good after group anymore. i came to group today to see what was going on with people. group reminds me of my early life where i felt like i was getting nothing. it pisses me off that i went to group today but at least i got the cat litter and other crap swept up in my room. it is hard for me to say that it feels unfair that i never get to say anything in group. that is nothing new, and never going to change. the same people talk every time, no matter what, and i don’t. nobody’s fault but mine. i did not want to say anything anyway, except i hate hearing about people who have had a heart attack, because i am in that line, and i know how it comes so quickly and out of the blue. it might have made all the difference in the world to express that in group, but i didnt really give a shit about saying it. same people always talking. i had to stop caring about expressing myself early on, with my grandmother always doing the talking, or mu uncle with his murderous sould making me hide in fear of him noticing me.
furthermore, i hated hearing about people who own houses or apartments and have the money to get them fixed up. we have nothing, nothing. except 2 grownup kid/adults whose travails give us reason to live, i guess. anyway take a nap. another fine weekend with the only good thing being i did not have to work. too hot to fix up any decay in the house, except for taking out the trash, sweeping my floor, feed the birds and squirrels and outside cats, and hope that the dry backyard does not erupt in flames on the 4th, because the weed whacker i bought 2 years ago was impossible to put together. i should count my blessings. if i go before barb, i hope my ashes are scattered sooner rather than later. i do remember groups a long time ago where i had the 15 minutes of talking with Terry. not sure why that is sticking in my mind.
OK, I admit it, i get a lot out of group even tho it usually pisses me off to remain silent. so thanks for the p.i. and the therapy. it does help
i do my breathing now. aqmd says it is unhealthy to breathe later today in the valley. interestingly, palm springs will be unhealthy later today, but just for sensitive groups. even santa monica not so great. the computer job i have is killing the planet. ouch
CRYSTAL, MAYBE THEY GOT SOME SUPPORT GROUPS ON THE INTERNET, MORE FINELY ATTUNED TO THIS SUBJECT. (i forgot to take caps off) i take ant-depressants, so the guilt is not too crippling. my oldest was in the hospital monday with a ruptured disk. did he get it years ago when he was snowboarding and i wasnt a diligent father to teach him to be more careful? he was already on drugs ande hospital pain-killers made it worse. who the f knows. sounds like your pain is way up there. you can go to alanon and maybe listen to other people with sick family members would help. aa and alanon helped barbara. we went the route of not bailing the kids out of jail, which eventually led to them both going into rehab and sober living. although jail in some states should be considered murderous.
Otto- Thank you for the suggestion. I do need a support group. –
i only got on the blog right now to say that it occurred to me that maybe i didn’t force the issue when my grandma ignored me so much when i was a kid. i realize now i kept myself hidden as a result of the care of a murderous uncle early on. i did the children-should-not-be-seen-heard-or-any-other-signs-of-life theory to escape his murderous rage. then i carried that way of being with me when under my grandma’s care. some little kids will make sure they get noticed if they are ignored. not me. i thought of this while not looking at barbara and saying hi sweetheart, doing ok, as i passed by her room. well she might have had a similar early life and does not care if i am so-not-there, or she has learned to live with my pain. 40 plus years of ships passing in the night.
This is not a high-priority item, though I would place it in a “nice to know” category. Can any music enthusiasts please tell me the name of this instrumental song in the background of the 20-second clip below? It sounds like some sort of beautiful Japanese-style geisha song, though I could be way off the mark. The yellow pee bottle experiment is irrelevant to my question.
https://twitter.com/ScienceVideos_/status/1379312671829356548?s=20
I tried using a microphone and played it for the music search feature of https://www.midomi.com/ but still no luck.
Maybe Ink Pavillion. It’s Chinese.
Here’s an MP3 download.
Daniel, that really sounds like it, with the same drum-like accompaniment.
That’s a pretty good catch, Daniel. I didn’t hear the exact sequence of notes matching the earlier science clip, but you’re certainly ‘getting warm’!
As I said earlier, this isn’t a high-priority item and I hope I didn’t make you and Sylvia feel compelled put in too much effort over this.
Glad I had a couple folks interested in helping out, though.
As an aside, the high-priority items involve work that feels massively unpleasant for me to finish. I keep throwing constant diversions in front of me away from the work, and I’m really irritated at how uncooperative I’ve been to myself.
I’ve tried all the handy tricks…
–“Only work on a little bit at a time”
–“Ride the terrible feeling while you work on it, knowing its separate from the actual physical activity”
It’s a foreboding, impenetrable, and soul-pulverizing black cloud of deeply intellectual fuzz.
Guru, Start at 0:37 seconds in the clip and you’ll hear the exact same sequence of notes. What is it you’re working on?
Damn, Daniel, you’re right! Impressive. It’s hard for me to pick out notes like that.
As for the work involved (and, yes, there is an eventual endpoint to the project with only maintenance thereafter)….We’ve reached a point where I would need to talk to you off the blog for something like that.
This song sounds like it to me on You tube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Yb0jJ5kiIQ
It sounds like the same song to me.
Thanks, Phil.
Sylvia, you must be auditorily picking up something I’m not, for neither of the two videos you posted (and I fully listened to) sound remotely close to the ‘mystery melody’ as heard from my limited ears.
I’m terrible at trying to discern if the same song is cross-playing on a wholly different instrument, so that might play a significant role.
I was only taking a wild guess at the song having Oriental roots.
Your swift and valiant efforts are appreciated, though, thanks.
I don’t know if I’m really hearing this right, if it matches the science experiment song, though it is hard to pick 23 seconds out of a 3 minute song to verify it. Beginning at the 2:03 mark it sounds something like the other song. Pretty and feeling-ful melody, anyways, which is what counts, I think and must have drawn you to it.
Sylvia, I hate to be a Debbie Downer given all your efforts, but I’m still not noting any similarities aside from the instrument itself, the piano. It’s true that I may have been drawn to this as my mother was a fairly serious piano player. A few stacks of piano sheet music and books along with her old piano I still have in storage with many keys broken from my senseless childhood hammerings.
Don’t read too much into my mom playing the piano, as it was nothing out of the ordinary during the 1970’s. Almost 250,000 upright pianos were sold each year back then with only HALF of the current US population. Now upright piano sales are less than 30,000 units per year.
It’s sadly a bit of a relic, a relic of times past as when Archie and Edith Bunker played the piano during the beginning of every “All in the Family” episode from the 1970’s. (Yes, I’m recalling Chris’ recent mentioning of the old classic TV show.)
All is not lost, Guru, the piano instrumental triggered some memories of un-asked-for 6
years of lessons, simply because my 5 yr. old self wanted to learn how to play: “Here comes Peter Cottontail hopping down the bunny trail” on a piano. Before I knew it we had a baby grand piano in the living room to pay off and weekly music lessons. I never had the courage to ask my mom if I could stop lessons because I didn’t have a good aptitude like some for learning music. I envied my friend who told her mom she didn’t want to take lessons after a couple of yrs. I remember standing behind my mom in the bathroom while she fixed her hair at the mirror trying to tell her I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t, she was too intimidating.
I have a used spinet Mom bought 30 yrs ago that I “play at” once in a while, though I’m not very good, it’s for my own entertainment and the cats like to hear some notes and to run across the keyboard. Hah.
S
Sylvia, my , and story is that at 5 yrs. old I used to “play with” a piano at my aunt’s house occasionally, and (rarely) at the woman’s across the street, and I wanted to learn to play. But I knew it wasn’t possible, and definitely no one encouraged me. Then at 9 yrs. old my mom tried to get me to take ballet lessons, as she had once been a dancer, before an auto accident ended her career, and almost took her leg. However, I felt like a total klutz, and did not want to take dance lessons, and I told her. She argued, telling me that with lessons, I would become more graceful, and not have so many problems, but I did not believe that, imagining only embarrassing failure, and she finally gave up arguing.
But thinking about it, later I told her I wanted piano lessons, and she just trashed the idea, no sympathy at all. She said we could not afford piano, but I reminded her that she said she wanted me to take ballet class — and then she got more angry, and told me it would be a waste of time, and she was not going to spend money on any stupid piano lessons, but she would pay for ballet class, if I would do it. I was angry, knowing she was dishonest about the money, and just trying to control my life and not caring how I felt (none of which I could say). So that was a stand-off, and “we” did nothing — no piano, no dance, nor anything else.
Vicki, it seems your mom wanted you to live parts of her life, doing something she wanted to do, not what would make you happy. They didn’t listen to us. At least you fought back in some way by questioning the money that was there for the lessons you didn’t want.
I had ballet and tap lessons for a couple of months when I was 4 yrs. to bring me out of my shyness. “You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around” up on a stage with a skimpy leotard. All I knew is that I felt half naked and would throw up at home before going to the lesson. I was a nervous self-conscious little kid.
Guru, all 4 clips of video DO contain the same sequence of notes that plays in the background of your initial 20-second clip.
Vicki, they are all different songs (except the two versions with different instruments posted by Sylvia), aren’t they? I’ll take your word for it, though. Daniel’s song seemed to mirror the original science clip the closest, at least to me.
Yeah, regardless that they are all “different”, the brief specific melody is present in all of them, as well as some other piece elements that make them seem seem similar, but I have not spent more time with those other parts, to analyze if they are really related, or not. But when I listened to them, I could immediately hear where the melody reappeared, in each case at or shortly after the 0:37 seconds mark.
GIRL SINGS GOOD. GOOD GOD. Miley Cyrus – Man Of Constant Sorrow (George Clooney Tribute) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-8GXzeioJg WOW.
Crystal, I actually wasn’t thinking about your other son. I think Matt is good son. It does seem to me that he is right there for you, and possibly other family members, when needed. And that it could be very helpful to let him know how much you love and appreciate him. From what you have said, it sounds to me like Matt is stuck in the thankless role of the kid who acts out the pain in the family. Considering his level of destructiveness and self-destructiveness, I can only imagine the enormity of that pain. While your coping strategies of alternating between feeling detached and feeling desperate are totally understandable (in fact I have those exact feelings when I hear what you are going through), these feelings are still in reaction to Matt and, therefore, externally focused. I’m guessing that a good chunk of what he is acting out is the anger in the family. Which leaves me wondering how your anger, and his dads anger, comes out. Just a thought.
Yes Renee you are correct in that Matt is acting out the anger in the family! He told us once to watch the movie- “Into The Wild”!!
He is my good son and would do anything to help me!! In fact, I’ve missed him in so many ways not being around to help out!! I’m glad you pointed this out!!
It grieves me to see his pain runs so deep that he just wants to disappear!! All the same when a person is suicidal! Doesn’t mean they’re crazy!! Just means that their pain runs so deep….they want to just check out!
Matt seems to punish himself by stripping himself of everything, certainly as he has done now!!
No food; no money, no shelter and no transportation!!
Thank you Renee for giving me this insight!
Crystal, I have to interject myself into this conversation to note that I can definitely relate to Matt wanting to strip himself of all societal and/or civilizational trappings. There’s so much complex bullshit garbage serving the selfishly narrow needs of total strangers in the regular world which seems completely unnecessary, yet still places untenable demands on my psyche. Since I am only one person and too powerless to have those items disappear altogether, my helpless anger wants to simply strip myself of it and run away (eg. ‘”into the Wild”)..
It’s certainly very seductive to simply want to ‘check out’ from all that.
Crystal, I get the sense that Matt’s behavior is tearing you apart inside and that you are beating yourself up for being a bad parent. If this is the case, then this is for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hhHI5qEtomA. I posted this before, so you could’ve already seen it. Thankfully, I don’t think it loses its power with more views. By the way, I believe this “Parenting Manifesto” is appropriate for parenting kids of any age. I hope it helps you ease up on being so harsh toward yourself.
Yes Renee I’ve been doing just that!! I’m very worried more so than ever! I’ve not heard from Matt since he borrowed a phone Tues night. He has no money and apparently no phone now!
I will click on the link you sent! Thank you Renee
I write this with an apology to Sylvia for not directly responding to all the pressure her mother put on her to play the piano. I understand all too well the fear of consequences for saying something a bully may not like. My predator neighbor is an excellent case in point after the porch jumping incident.
I write this post now to only to drop a small note before I forget. I grieve often about my dad and how he was such a humble mathematical teddy bear. I long knew he was a Life Master at the card game of bridge, yet I only found out fairly recently from my cousin after dad died that he played against actor and world-renowned bridge columnist Omar Sharif on a couple of occasions. It hurts me that I never knew this and never had the chance to just…sit down for a playfully enjoyable conversation about it with me. Yet another testament to how humble to a self-deprecating fault dad really was.
Also, I should mention that dad’s bridge playing was a relic of a long-ago past for him, from the 1960’s-1970’s when he was a young man. He cast it all aside fairly early and moved on to other things. Much the same as what I explained to Sylvia about upright pianos.
I know NOTHING about bridge, or for that matter the two sports he loved, NFL football and college/pro basketball. Those two items didn’t interest me at all, yet this chasm didn’t preclude me from finding plenty of other ways to bond with him.
True, it is the American Day of Independence. Best wishes to all you Americans. But today, July 4th 1187, the forces of Salah ad-Din (or Saladin) won a decisive victory in the battle of the Horns of Hattin, just outside present day Tiberias, bringing the crusader Kingdom of Jerusalem to an end and reinstating the Muslims military eminence in the holy land.
It is said that what prompted Salah ad-Din to this battle was the colourful but thuggish character of one Raynald de Châtillon, a French nobleman who arrived at Jerusalem with the second crusade. Being the blood-thirsty, booty-hunter troublemaker he was, Raynald obeyed no rule nor truce. After he attacked during one of these truces a Muslim caravan, and not for the first time, Salah ad-Din who already hated Raynald’s guts swore to kill him.
At the Battle of the Horns of Hattin he got his chance. Raynald was among the captured, along with Guy de Lusignan the King of Jerusalem. The two were taken to Salah ad-Din’s tent where he spared the King’s life, much to the King’s surprise, but personally beheaded Raynald de Châtillon with a single blow of his sword.
Salah ad-Din is probably the most revered sultan and military figure in Muslim history. He was born in Tikrit, the capital of the Salah ad-Din governorate in Iraq which is named after him. Many around the present-day Middle East saw and see themselves as modern-day Salah ad-Din. Saddam Hussein was one, being born in that province. The peacockish Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of Turkey is another. Not to mention the ordinary assortment of glorified terrorists who decorate the region.
Here’s a coin, found in that battlefield, bearing Salah ad-Din’s name.
Interesting coincidence you brought up that coin, Daniel, for I was studying the world’s oldest coinage (as a diversion from my nightmarish project, of course) just last week. They were tiny electrum (gold and silver alloy) coins minted around 600 BC in the kingdom of Lydia situated on what is now western Turkey.
Credit card cash advances were non-existent at the time.
I wonder if the Lydians had a Jack of their own, urging them not to get into this money business, that it would wind up in war, famine, and credit-card cash advances.
Maybe we could start a hippie commune deeply rooted in nature called the “600 B.C. Club” where the use of money is strictly forbidden?
Pretty fascinating how humans went 130,000 years without money (though barter likely was important) and yet it only began to play a prominent role during the last 2,600 years.
We all had at one time or another the phantasy that a state of deprivation can be eliminated by abolishing things.
Interesting, Daniel. It sounds like the real war between “Christian” and “Muslim” cultures goes back far deeper into history than I’m usually aware of. Likely I learned some of it long ago, but had forgotten. It makes me feel it is not so easy to know where to cast blame for arrogance and poor communications. Thanks.
Oh yeah, Vicki, to this day the western presence in the Muslim world is likened to the crusaders. Bin Laden, For example, had the American presence in Saudi Arabia as one of the major reasons for 9/11, explicitly proclaiming them to be Crusaders, filled with Crusader hate for Muslims, and demanding they leave.
The first crusade was particularly gruesome. On their way to “free” Jerusalem from the Muslims they massacred whole Jewish communities along the Rhine in Europe (there are horrifying reports of those massacres, for example in Mainz), and then after besieging and sacking Nicea, Antioch, Constantinople, and finally Jerusalem, they slaughtered their Muslim and Jewish populations. Some put the death toll at 1 million, a huge number. Their most atrocious, and inexplicable, act came around the siege of Ma’arra (present-day Syria) where they actually ate from the flesh of their enemy.
For the Muslims, the conquest of Jerusalem by those people was a disgraceful humiliation only undone by Salah ad-Din’s retake. They would like to repeat it. Although to begin with they formed their Islamic Jerusalem in spaces already sacred to Jews and Christians, for them western presence in the holy land is unacceptable altogether. This is true especially for those who are governed by Islam, such as ISIS, Al-Qaeda, Iran, and the Muslim Brotherhood organisations all over the Middle East. Of course they have no problems whatsoever with their own conquests. In fact, as recent as 2015 the Turkish Foreign Minister declared in Switzerland that, “Islam is Europe’s indigenous religion”.
You mention Osama bin Laden. Didn’t the former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto state on record that bin Laden croaked (I think) in 2003, from kidney failure brought on by diabetes?
Was she assassinated for telling the truth, do you think?
Just for the sake of argument, assuming Ms. Bhutto was correct then exactly WHO was killed, if not bin Laden, by American special forces in May 2011? Some poor body double who didn’t know his life had an expiration date?
Just for the sake of argument, if it really WAS bin Laden, why would his body be dumped at sea? If the “government” wanted to squelch any possible future conspiracy theories, then this would be precisely the WRONG thing to do. It would only fuel such conspiracies.
I should have asked this earlier: Would Raynald the Frenchman be indirectly responsible for the temple mount being taken over by Muslims? If Saladin hadn’t been so angry at Raynald he wouldn’t have gone to battle for Jerusalem?
It would be quite a story if a swarthy, miscreant Frenchman was the root cause of most Jews not being allowed on the mount nearly a thousand years later. Butterfly effect personified.
Guru, the temple mount was already taken by Muslims some 300 years before Raynald came on the scene. And before them by the Romans who turned into Christian Byzantines.
Saladin headed an empire in the region, ruled by the Ayyubid dynasty, and most likely would have taken Jerusalem sooner or later, by war or agreement. He was very bright, apparently had good strategic thinking, and his rule wasn’t too oppressive by medieval standards.
But perhaps Raynald hastened the process.
Well, I’m glad you corrected my Raynald hypothesis before the mistake was carried too far, thank you.
“it’s just starting!” that is what i just emphasised to barb, and it’s what i feel like yelling at the top of my lungs out the bathroom window. but she doesn’t approve of primal noise and probably the neighborhood-full of latinos also dont approve of. even though they had the neighborhood sounding like a war-zone with their fireworks last night.
“it’s just starting'” is what i told barb about why i was being pissy and hateful or indifferent around her all weekend. it is actually not just starting, it has been since wednesday when my oldest son called moaning that he could not stand the 10-pain of his ruptured disk. we got lucky and found the on-call doctor who was smart and kind and smoothed the way to get him into the e.r. (where they did nothing for him earlier in the week) and finally he got admitted to the hospital and now has barely enough pain-killer to keep him out of the deepest pain.
then he just called to say that he had still not seen a doctor or neurosurgeon since he got there last night but the nurse had come in to get him to sign a consent form for some unknown surgery. anyway barb and i have been advocating for him on the phone as good as possible, his wife is being good too and now is going to see what the nurse has to say. ah whatever, i got 3 piles of dried out weeds put in a trash can this morning before it got to be 90, and all the other chores i had been hoping to take care of this holiday weekend are put on hold. we had a quick lunch with our youngest son yesterday, at a mexican mexican restaurant and i swear it was the worst mexican food i ever ate. we will not let him pick the restaurant ever again. back to watching chapelle and wolves licking people heads and whatever else is relaxing on youtube. tomorrow another week will likely be like last week for my job. inputting new interns into the hospital database. they all showed up at once. hectic and draining. but a sure-fire old-pain-killer along with shoving carbs down my throat.
the cats are fed, the squirrel and birds are fed, the bugs are fed. the constipation cat probably pooped yesterday. barb and i still have our marbles, or at least i don’t think i have lost mine yet. we got the notarized form faxed to take money out of my retirement account to help pay for the youngest son’s lawyer for restraining order and divorce fight and moving in to his own apartment, and i am thinking this is just “a wonderful life” and i would miss it when i am dead and gone, if i believed in life after death but i no longer do. what a ride.
Otto, I remember a long time ago I was in big group one night when Vivian herself was supervising. I angrily yelled at her, “I hope Art’s wrong about his belief that there is no life after death.”
She tried to softly reply, “Believe what you want to believe..”
I gathered the sense from her that she didn’t care what we believed (or WANT to believe), just as Art had said for himself on his old blog. I still had the sense that, if a belief in an afterlife is suitable for the smooth functioning of my organic system regardless of whether they think the idea of an afterlife is an utterly delusional belief, then that’s all that matters.
Does anyone really WANT to believe there is nothing upon death? How the hell is the prospect of eternal oblivion something someone WANTS to believe in? Do such people crave sheer nihilism? Likely not, so when Vivian told me “believe what you want to believe” it struck me that she didn’t care whether I believed in Santa Claus, so long as it facilitates some sort of blissful psychobiological fluidity for me.
If there is no afterlife, I suppose keeping track of billionaires dying off is a worthwhile hobby to have, so I can have minimal satisfaction knowing that those who have sucked so much goodness out of society with likely enormous negative externalities for others can suddenly be in much worse shape than I am, thus allowing me to gratefully reflect on the simple little life tidbits i still have remaining.
you crazy person , billionaires make the world go round.
kid going under knife in 5 mins. always in a hurry. good luck kid. pain begone. bitchass pain we are given, supposedly to keep us alive. ha.
So Daniel, last week, a small town called Lytton which is a couple of hundred kilometers north of Vancouver B.C. where I live, reached the highest temperature EVER recorded in Canada –
49.6 Celsius. We’re more used to 40 deg below zero – ask Larry! It made me think of your neck of the woods, how do you survive those temps? I was totally devoid of energy after about 8:00 am., and here it only went up to 45.2 deg. If this keeps up then in a couple of years our Uber Eats drivers will be riding camels. Maybe you and I should get into a dromedary import/export biz. Know any dealers?
About an hour and a half after attaining it’s notoriety, 90% of Lytton burnt to the ground due to the brakes on a train over-heating and sparking a wildfire -oh the price of fame. This affected me personally and emotionally because in my Greyhound bus driving days, not that long ago, I used to drive to Lytton on my way to Prince George 2 or 3 times a week and knew the owners of the Lytton Hotel (our Bus stop) The hotel is now ashes.
How can supposedly informed people – e.g. the former U.S. president et.al. – not only ignore scientific facts, but deny human responsibility for however Mother Nature decides to spank us for our transgressions. She’s just annoyed right now. When she really gets pissed, look out. Covid? – a mere inconvenience. Wait till she decides to add a nasty to the world’s water supply.
Wars in the Middle East – yeah, whatever. World-wide recession that makes the Great Depression look like Mardi Gras – if she can be bothered. Prob’ly easier to just send another big-ass asteroid hurtling our way. – More effective and in no way racist.
When humankind was advised to go forth and multiply, exponentially was not included in the order.
Be kind to each other.
Barry,
It’s nowhere near as hot over here right now as in Lytton, but still a bit hotter than most summers. The Lytton hellish temperatures culminating in it burning to the ground sounds biblical, frightening, and heart wrenching. Like you, I can’t make head nor tail of people’s opposition to the mere scientific consensus. I do understand some of the fears involved, and those must be addressed to be alleviated, but even if this consensus will turn out to be wrong, wouldn’t it make sense to err on the side of caution?
Perhaps more spanking from Mother Nature are needed so more people will feel the cost.
Barry, you’re not updated. A big-assed asteroid sent hurtling down our way is every bit as racist as the best of them. Everything is. Claiming an asteroid is coming our way involves math and science both of which are considered these days to be social constructs and therefore, by definition, downright racist. In the words of Robin diAngelo, “The question is not ‘Did racism take place?’ but ‘How did racism manifest in that situation?’ In other words, racism is like the speed of light, it is a given, the one thing that never changes no matter how you measure it.
Perhaps more spanking from Robin diAngelo is needed too.
Let me deliberate on your exotic and very practical import/export proposal. By the way, when I first came on the blog I wanted to be free to write as openly as I want to while keeping my privacy. The Google algorithm and all that. At first, I thought I would change my name but that felt a bit too impersonal. I then decided instead not to divulge where I live. It was for me a kind of compromise I can live with. It still is.
Hey Daniel,
Please accept my apologies if you feel I have impinged on your locational privacy. I totally understand and respect your concerns. I never divulge my last name for the same reasons, even though in the occasional ‘senior’ moment I have included it. In my defense, Australia has had camels since the mid 19th century, so exactly where you reside should still be relatively unknown.
By the way, my investors seem to have the same question, are your animals one-humpers or two? They feel that seat belts are less required if the latter.
Wow, racist asteroids, who would have thunk it? The operative word here of course would be ‘claiming’. Ma Nature is a woman of few words, and would not, I believe, feel a need to warn us. However, assuming you and Robin are right, will you give me that a large-butted asteroid global smack down would eradicate racism, at least until a new cognizant being evolves in a few millennium?
As an aside, it’s funny that you should quote Ms DiAngelo. MANY years ago when I was but a testosterone fuelled teenager, I lusted after a young woman who decided to leave Canada and marry a Mr. DiAngelo who lived in New York. I have refused to heed anything that someone with that same last name has said ever since. That’ll learn her! Being born in England, I especially ignore Italians after that Euro soccer game on Sunday!
But at least, Phil, we got further than Spain!!!
Barry,
In the final I was rooting for Italy, and because I’m half Italian American, I can celebrate. Second place isn’t worth anything, but there’s always next time. Here in Spain no one seems to be devastated. Maybe because there’s always good jamón, chorizos, paella, and vino, and it’s sunny just about every day.
Phil
Well, Barry, the English team and especially its rampaging, disrespectful, booing, trash-mountains-leaving fans, some of whom didn’t forget to remind their own team’s players who missed penalty kicks their skin color, didn’t deserve to have football ‘coming home’.
The Italians, on the other hand, played such wonderful football throughout the championship – fast and lively offensive, overcoming injuries even of their best players. They deserved to win the games (not to mention they wore much better suits to begin with).
But there is a tragic note for English coach Southgate, who missed a crucial penalty kick many years ago, and like tragic figures before him while trying to correct it actually repeated it. One could say that unconsciously he sort of had a fantasy about his fantasy: the only way to get rid of having it is to actualise it.
But, on a brighter English note – I’m reading Wolf Hall at the moment, thoroughly enjoying it.
Ouch! Whilst you may have a point or two about a few English football hooligans, Ok a few thousand, all right tens of thousands and though some in the English team are racist,
(What, the Italians aren’t?), it doesn’t take away the happiness and excitement I felt as the English team made its way through the Euro 2000 tournament. The last time England won any significant International tournament I was 13 years old, and the last time they even made the Euro semifinals was in 1996, so yeah, I was with them all the way, even though I left England when I was 6.
Do I think the better team won? Absolutely. In fact I picked Italy to win from the very start of the tournament, but England played well too apart from a few games early on. I was so happy when they beat Germany, and thought they were excellent against Danmark in the semis. As for the final, well obviously for the first 5 minutes it was the best game EVER, but as the game wore on you could tell it was just a matter of time.
Deservedly or not, as you say, football didn’t ‘come home’, and it made me cry.
Hey Barry, didn’t mean to hurt. Guess I was overreacting to a news article I was reading about fan behaviour at the games. I also liked the English team throughout the games. They played better than they did in a very long time, with Walker, Maguire and Shaw probably the Euro’s best defenders, and Sterling doing very well too. Better luck next time.
Thanks Daniel. Yes, next time for sure? I just hope I live long enough to see them in the finals again. 🙂 Those darn penalty kick shootouts – is that how the saying ‘ the agony of
de feet ‘ came about? Ooh, that was terrible!
guru, thanks for your reflection. i guess it really doesn’t matter what death is, because it is inevitable. to me, nothingness seems like…i will be left out and alone again. but at least i won’t know it.
my kid survived the knife and maybe this will fix his back pain for a while. of course, i felt or feel left out in this episode of life, even though i was the one who thought of calling his doctor’s answering service, which produced a kind lady doctor who smoothed the way for him to be admitted, instead of being shoved out of the e.r still with a pain more than i could ever imagine, like the first time he went there. then i kept telling him and his wife to call us when the surgeon came to his room, so we could advocate for him, which was the whole reason for him asking us to drop everything and fly to bumfuck, oh. anyway, better that i did not scream at any doctors prior to his surgery, like i did to barbara, when i felt she couldnt get herself in gear early on in this little journey. what a piece of work am i. lucky i take anti-d’s so i cant feel what a pile of garbage i became in this life. her big thing is her talking, which usually is good when aimed at the kids, but not always anything i need or desire. when barb and the kids talk on the phone, i am left out, even though i know i should be saying something encouraging, or showing that i care about them. well, like my retirement, thatis not going to happen. hard heart.
Found the key to the kingdom; Page 6, Gretchen…. (:
https://phiban.files.wordpress.com/2021/07/img_1977.jpg. The view from where we’re staying for a few days in Spain.
Que hombre tan guapo! En que parte de Espana estan ustedes? Es muy pintoresca.
Gracias Renee, estamos en La Costa Blanca del Mar Mediterráneo cerca de Benidorm.
Crystal, I’m glad your son has been found and is now in the hospital. That must be a big relief.
Phil
well, everybody gets helped but me. even if help was promised. so screw this shit. been that way since i started this shit therapy so long ago. thanks. thanks a fucking lot. gfy
What kind of help did or do you need, Otto? Do you know?
need too much help. today and yesterday after group, mental status bad. either i had primal technique 101 applied to my brain, or i really am truly invisible. whatever, i will truly be gone soon enough. poor poor pitiful me.
which came first, my pain of being not seen or of even existing? or the pain of witnessing severe dying in my early life, with no consolation about it, instead just joking. the second i wanted to share but i couldn’t, but at least there were happy stories shared that make me say “oh god, f’ me”
I guess it is empowering to have the old “i am a piece of shit” feeling opened up wider, although not very pleasant. thanks. thanks a lot. well, i dont know when if, or how i will be crying about this. anyway– Thanks, thanks a lot, I’ve got a broken heart, that’s all I got.
You made me cry, and I cried a lot.
I just wanted your love, baby thanks a lot.
——–well that song actually brings up a sensation in my eye area , we shall have to see.
yeah, that’s the ticket. only one tear but big as the ocean
Martina McBride – Thanks A Lot
(Trying this one more time, it was twice rejected by WordPress in the past few days).
This was printed in the L.A. Times a few days ago. By Frank Shyong
“A letter to my parents about depression and mental illness”
Dear Mom and Dad, There’s a story that I need to tell, and I know that it’s one that my family should hear first. But every time I’ve tried to explain these last few years, I couldn’t. I wrote down the words and even rehearsed them, but when the time came they withered in my throat. So I’m writing this column as a letter to you. Even if I couldn’t tell you first, I wanted you to know that these words are for you.
I’ve been living with depression for most of my adult life. It began with short bouts during college and gradually worsened after I graduated. About two years ago I began having thoughts of suicide, and in a moment of panic, I tried to hurt myself. It happened at a time when I had so much to celebrate. This column was launching and the podcast I created, “Asian Enough,” was entering production. But my self-esteem was caving in. I began to doubt that I was the protagonist in my own story. I felt an obligation to be happy and was ashamed I couldn’t meet it. I was posing in photos and videos to help promote the podcast when all I wanted was to disappear.
My depression was too painful to write about or even admit to myself privately. But it was there, in the accumulated 7-Eleven taquito containers and cigarette butts on the floor of my car; in the slow erosion of friendships; in smashed iPhones and dented desks.
In my journals I see myself grasping for the words to describe it. In 2012, I wrote that depression is when the power of your despair equals the power of your will. Then it was like suffering a dislocation of the ego, or “a slow and spreading numbness.” In one entry I compared my body to an inconveniently large piece of carry-on luggage. Last year I felt like a video game with a broken controller — I mash the buttons but my character on the screen never moves.
My therapist has since given me a better explanation. Everyone has a cup, and when it’s full, you have to take a break. If you don’t care for your mind, you start to cope in unhealthy, destructive ways. You overtax your relationships, battle exhaustion and your sense of normality crumbles.
Over time, the neural pathways in your brain that cause depression, anxiety and anger become deep grooves, while those that lead toward positive emotions fade. Happiness becomes an arduous climb uphill; sadness, a steep and slippery slope.
I worked very hard to hide my sadness from you. Before visits, I would get a fresh haircut, buy new clothes and go on a diet. I’d always drink a lot of coffee before coming over so that my smiles would be more believable. At the dinner table I’d speak loudly of my achievements and successes. My visits were always short because I couldn’t keep up the act for long. At work, I wrote articles about how Asian Americans are the least likely of all demographics to seek mental health services, but we experience some of the highest rates of suicide and depression. I appeared on panels and spoke about how harmful silence and cultural stigmas can be. I lobbied others to overcome their shame and share their stories with me. But I couldn’t help but feel like a hypocrite, because I feared that stigma too.
Things got worse when the pandemic hit. I felt an overwhelming responsibility to meet the moment, but most days began with crying over my coffee. The isolation was an agonizing reminder of the friendships I had lost. I began to call out in my sleep. A few times a week, I’d explode awake in the middle of the night yelling and furious, or crying and despondent. I called a suicide help hotline so often that I felt guilty for taking up their time. For the last three months, I’ve been on medical leave to work on my mental health.
I’m sorry you’re reading this in the newspaper. I know you might fear the consequences of sharing my struggles so publicly. But now, at 33, I no longer believe my depression is something to be ashamed of. And I made a promise to a woman I interviewed a few years ago for a story about mental illness. The piece was widely read and now it may be adapted into a film. When I caught up with her last year, she told me that my story had changed her life, but not in the way I intended. She had lost friends and alienated family members. Some of her relationships would never be the same. She let me tell her story, but I couldn’t protect her from its aftermath. So I did the only thing I could. She shared her family’s secrets with me, so I promised her I’d share mine.
I hope you know that none of this is your fault, because there is no fault to be assigned. There is nothing wrong with the way you raised me, because there’s nothing wrong with me. I may be depressed, but I am still your son, and I will be OK.
Mom, remember last year, when Ah Mah died, I wrote a tribute to her and posted it on social media. I was scared for you to see it, but then your friends sent it to you and you texted me. You asked for a copy because you wanted to share it with your family. You told me that I did good and that you were glad I posted it. At Ah Mah’s funeral, you translated my words into Chinese and read them aloud. You announced proudly to the whole family that the words had been written by your son, a Los Angeles Times journalist. I was a little embarrassed, but it meant so much to me that you wanted to share my words. In that moment, I believed we both understood that there is no shame in suffering, that there is no reason to suffer alone. And now I can truly say that I believe that too.
Great post about depression, Vicki. About time we recognize depression as something to be seen and not hidden nor talked about.
Ohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NumvYmhoiMgh no, it’s back.
Yeah, it’s good. Thanks.
just talking to myself. DONT READ IF YOU SQUEAMISH. someone hammering outside and triggers my mind. my mind wanders to a distant memory of some animal skin hanging nailed to an outside wall at my mean uncle’s house. i get this memory often enough. hopefully it wasnt a crucifixion. anyway, i have probably seen physical pain and dying enough in my life that no wonder i am afraid of dying. death is ok, but dying–wtf??? who thought that one up. i am so weird that i tell the weeds “sorry” when i cut them down. i have to cut the weeds or the electric meter reader guy will report my house as shabby.
Thank you,, Otto. I can relate to this in so many ways. Whoa …. makes my gut hurt…
Otto, your comments are often painful and saddening. Is there anything in your past or present that you feel positive about, have fond memories of, enjoy, or find interest in?
Otto, if we properly go through the entire chain of causation, it seems that the people who wrote the instructions (or perhaps city ordinance) for the meter reader guy to report shabby houses are the ones who should apologize to your weeds. If such ordinances are a standardized activity among America’s 30,000-40,000 municipalities, where should the originating apology come from beyond the local city level? I’m not sure…
I once purposely let a weed grow to beyond my 6-foot adult height as an experiment just to see what it turned out to be. Ordinary household weeds allowed to flourish eventually become mullein plants with tall stalks of yellow kernels on top much like quinoa plants from the Andes. Pretty cool looking plants at full maturity, actually.
Margaret is your safety threatened by any of the flooding that is reported to be happening in Belgium as well as other parts of Europe?
I don’t agree with the author’s meaning of the ‘unbearable lightness of being’; i always think of that phrase as meaning that you can go to the black in the snap of a finger, be you bacteria, dinosaur or people. but whatever. at least one of our kids is doing vastly better, actually maybe both, they will still need our help. or at least barb’s, but it is my belief that barb needs me to keep her going. she will blow thru the $500k life insurance in a month, if i die. and these frigging outside cats will come to the porch and look fot their daily bread and if i am not there, barb will have moved to ohio.now i drive her to 2 places. bye
Margaret, This flooding sounds horrendous. I hope you and your family are alright. Let us know how you are coping when you can. Gretch
Otto,
when I am in group I often think about you and wonder how you feel.
but I hesitate adressing you, that is, if exceptionally an opportunity rrises, some moment of silence…
and if I am not stuck in some feeling of my own…
but I do remember what you wrote here about wanting to be invisible as a kid, in order to be safe.
so I imagine it is what you want to be safe, but it also hurts like hell.
a painful catch 22.
something resonates with me there.
I desperately crave gentle attention while at the same time I feel I don’t deserve it and will be rejected for that matter .
Sorry, that’s a comment from Margaret
Sent from my iPhone
On Jul 17, 2021, at 11:13 AM, Margarete Meys wrote:
Larry,
thanks for asking!
the affected area starts at about 100 miles from where I live, and the stories about what went on and goes on there are heartbreaking.
sometimes also heartwarming, the ways in which people come to each others help.
one man carried people on his shoulders up to a safer area every time he found someone needing rescue out of the flooded area.
three young guys rescued an old lady by one clinbing up a water pipe to the top floor while the two others broke into the lower part of the house so they could bring the lady upstairs .
sadly three people in a lifeboat of the firebrigade died when the boat turned upside down and they fell inbto the fast running stream, the firemen were fit enough to be rescued but the elderly people had already been carried away by the stream.
and so many other stories of people on roofs and moms wading through breast high water with a baby above their head.
houses having crumbled with only a cat litter box still dangling above the flood…
my brother lives in an area downstream where he needs to be vigilant but the rain has stopped now which is a huge relief for everyone.
also Iin Germany , parts of France and the Netherlands it is nighmarish how big the devastations are.
how is the heat wave around your nick of the world?
I have often thought about you as Saskatchewan and other familiar names were also mentioned several times in the news about the extremely high temperatures.
with the Corona numbers rising again here it is all distressing.
I had a blood check yesterday as I keep feeling very tired a lot of the time, and want to know if there is something I can do about it, for example if it is merely a lack of iron.
take good care,
M.
It’s good to hear from you Margaret. I’m glad you and your family are safe.
The heat and lack of rain here and on the northern plains is unprecedented in anyone’s living memory. A farmer in the news said it’s unprecedented in the memory of the 3 generations that farmed the land he is now working. My brothers’ crops are dying from the heat and lack of rain. Thankfully in the spring my brothers took out crop insurance, so this year they won’t go bankrupt and have to sell their farms. But the heat, drought, and forest fires are scary symptoms of accelerating climate change. I hope that after this one there will be some years that aren’t so hot and dry, but as time goes by, there will be more years that are too hot and dry like this one is and few that are a more normal cooler and wetter.
I’ve not known such a long stretch of no rain and such a long string of hot days. There are forest fires hundreds of miles north, west, and east of where I live. The days are full of smoke from the far away fires. I keep my windows closed and my air cleaners and air conditioners on in my condo. When I go outside I wear a mask to protect myself not so much from COVID but from breathing in the smoke.
The one bad thing about being in a new and loving relationship is that it opens my eyes to how very little love or none that I got from my parents. It shatters my illusion that I was part of a healthy, normal loving family. The very hot weather, the withering and dying of farmers’ crops, the dearth of wildflowers on the native prairie, the scarcity of food for cattle and wild animals alike, unnerve me. I worry for the future of my nieces and nephews and their children as the stresses on society ratchet up with climate change. I feel scared and long deep in my soul for a memory of love, reassurance and safety in childhood to help bolster my courage now to face troubled times, but there is no such memory. I cry for my parents and want to go home, but have to face and feel that they were never there for me. I have to face that life has thrown me some very difficult curves, my parents were never there for me emotionally to help me through them, and that’s how my life will be until I die. I have to face that at far too young I had to deal with crises that were far too overwhelming for me to handle alone, but I was alone with them. I’m tapping into how frighteningly scared and alone I was, and how much as I tried to escape the feeling, I carried it with me always. The worsening ravages of climate change are a perfect foil for the fear and helplessness I felt in childhood in the face of circumstances to big and overwhelming for me to cope with alone, but I was alone with them, and they ruined my life.
Larry, I read something this week about climate change, so my response is to the first part of your post, instead of the last part. I believe I read this in the L.A. Times, or maybe The Atlantic, but don’t have it with me, so I’m reporting from memory.
About 1862, Southern California was all big cattle ranches. Then there was flooding, and the entire Central Valley became a lake, and So.Cal. became “a mud pit”. In the green pastures that followed, millions of cattle thrived. Then drought set in for three years, and cattle were dying everywhere. It got so bad, that some rancher(s) drove their herd(s) off the San Pedro cliffs to kill them faster, and people touring up from down south reported that they could see carcasses everywhere, and for years after there were a lot of skulls lying around. The ranchers all went bankrupt and it ended cattle in So.Cal.
After that, the land became available for tract homes, as we now have everywhere. So the article pointed out that for the 2nd time, humans have overdeveloped California, again ignoring the lessons of the recurring extremes of weather — but now, instead of cattle, it’s people. In the 1862 drought, one year they got less than 4 inches of rain in the whole year. And in our current drought, we had 5.+ inches of rain in the past year. Meaning it could easily get worse.
Except they did not have the level of fires we have had — killing off a lot of the redwoods up north that I have read about last year, because those trees had been there far far longer than 150 years. I didn’t find the article I was looking for, but another one about the 1862-65 drought. https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1991-06-13-nc-780-story.html
What gets me is that during our lifetime our technology has advanced so much so quickly that we tend to believe we can protect our modern societies from severe calamities, yet our modern way of life is upsetting the current, millennias long balance of all life on the planet. I live with a constant unease that Nature as I know it is dying and I’m helpless to do anything of consequence to stop it.
I just finished a very well written book about the latest findings in cosmology and quantum physics.
a universe out of nothing from Lawrence Krauss.
the writing style is accessible and entertaining, catchy really for such a subject.
and amazing, like wow, there are more than 4000 billion galaxies all each with billions of stars, the far away ones drifting even further and further away…
and it is just one example of amazing findings and theories, all pretty well explained in mostly understandable terms.
very good reading to me, very interesting…
hope someone else here wants to read it and share an opinion or some thoughts about these ‘universal’ matters!
m
I have followed Krauss for years; a friend of Dawkins and the late Chris Hitchens.
David,
then you must also be interested in cosmology and quantum physics isn’t it?
he has a very pleasant style of writing doesn’t he?
and I like the straightforwardness of his remarks about religion, not hostile but very matter of fact and nail on the headline.
also he addresses existential issues about life and even in a universe that might end in some way or another, how our best option is to make the best of it as we are here and this is what there is now…
regardless of any god or higher goals or purpose, I like that and agree.
what interests you in him and his topics?
M
Cancel reply
I was eventually drawn to his impassionate presentation about deities, as much as I was with Hitchens and Dawkins very passionate approaches. Krauss’s mischievous sense of humour, that smile, was a bit confusing at first, a bit off putting for me. I mistook him for being ,’ smartalicky,’ Not somber like most all intellectuals I have encountered. Hitch had crazy humour, but both he and, particularly Dawkins are dead serious in representing their theses on gods and the construct of, ” biblical,” fiction. Krauss is, as well, just not any hint of, ” fuck you and your stupidity,” in debating ideologues.
“… our best option is to make the best of it as we are here and this is what there is now… regardless of any god or higher goals or purpose, ” I agree with that, too. Quantum Cosmology is still very much in early days, a developing collection of information that may evolve into a strong theory. However we got here, and I’m convinced no,” gods,” were the architects; the bibles are collections of some historical information and a whole lot of fantasy written hundreds of years after the events they represent,by potentially hundreds of authors. And the christian bible in Greek. Certainly not by, assuredly illiterate, fishers.
How we became is beyond my pea brain and I haven’t wit.’restled with that for decades. I’m satisfied with, ‘ we are, now lets do a good job at it.’ Be good human animals, be good ancestors.
Stephen Hawkings said that the rules that explain the effectiveness of Homaeopathy lie within Physics, Nano Physics, ( incidentally Qigong also aligns with NanoPhysics, ‘ smaller and smaller increases root effectiveness, root response; opposed to larger and larger increases strength of action, the rule of Chemistry,) whereas Allopathic medical art is based on Chemistry.
I for decades subscribed to an ad free mag dedicated to social consciousness, , ” the new Internationalist.” Following the Biafran crisis many brilliant non African brains set to work to repair and forestall future vulnerabilities. Russia constructed a massive evaporated milk plant; the UN sponsored planting Poplar trees, The USA used water bombers to dump millions of tons of manure, on and on, great minds creating great solutions; except ALL FAILED. It is against culture to drink anything but teat fresh milk, the Poplar trees did grow fast, but stripped the soil of all nutrients. The only plant more devastating to soil nutrition, and also impacting for decades, is Ginseng. The manure just laid on the ground. There are no dung beetles in that Country, necessary to consume,digest, and convert manure into fertilizer. Finally one brilliant mind thought to ask some local farmers. Give us more buffalo, more camels, was reported to be the advice. So they did. However the water supply would not serve any increase in large animal numbers. Death followed. Another fail.
It seems to me that governments still follow that model.
Sort of like religiosity. Like water, great when thirsty, hell, if your stuck in a mud hole.
However we became, and, maybe we’re beyond help and hope; if not, we need to learn to do a good job. Not this damn extension of religion, IMHO, politics, more Master controlling the peasants. Dr. Janov wrote early on this, the need for laws, sophistication vs social eruditeness. The answer, two smart phones in every pocket and free Internet. (:
Who are the new great minds following in the wake of Krauss, Hitchens, Dawkins, Janov…
As an aside I read that christianity is a hot commodity in China and Russia. Not approved but tolerated. Let the people have some harmless, to the State, anesthetic….
There, I’ve satisfied my need to yatter; or I think Daniel expressed it civily, ” bullshit.”
Appreciate your contact, Maggie..
David
My favorite song in the whole world. If I was stranded on a desert island and could have only one song with me, to listen to over and over again, this is the one I would choose. This video for the song was filmed 50 years ago today, July 21, 2021. Enjoy! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOgFZfRVaww.
Stranded on a desert island, I’d probably go for this one:
Daniel, I think that would be a good inspirational song for building a boat, a raft at the very least as Tom Hanks did in Castaways. A volleyball might come in handy, too for companionship.
Yep, Sylvia, that’s the idea…
I had a hard time understanding the words, so I looked it up.
Boats to Build
Guy Clark
It’s time for a change
I’m tired of that same ol’ same
The same ol’ words the same ol’ lines
The same ol’ tricks and the same ol’ rhymes
Days precious days
Roll in and out like waves
I got boards to bend I got planks to nail
I got charts to make I got seas to sail
I’m gonna build me a boat
With these two hands
It’ll be a fair curve
From a noble plan
Let the chips fall where they will
‘Cause I’ve got boats to build
Sails are just like wings
The wind can make ’em sing
Songs of life songs of hope
Songs to keep your dreams afloat
I’m gonna build me a boat
With these two hands
It’ll be a fair curve
From a noble plan
Let the chips fall where they will
‘Cause I’ve got boats to build
Shores distant shores
There’s where I’m headed for
Got the stars to guide my way
Sail into the light of day
I’m gonna build me a boat
With these two hands
It’ll be a fair curve
From a noble plan
Let the chips fall where they will
‘Cause I’ve got boats to build
Thanks, Vicki
Some complaints this morning. I got back from a very nice vacation trip to Spain on Sunday, but my suitcase didn’t. It was expected to arrive at my door yesterday by 8:00 AM, and never got there. There are some food items in there, as well as clothes I need. I just sent out an email to a company called “Where is my Suitcase”, asking where is my suitcase? They are contracted by American Airlines to help lose my suitcase. I have other complaints, but that’s enough for now.
Phil
Having problems posting. Log in as usual from my email account, to post and WordPress refuses to post. I have to come to the page and post directly. Today I had to do a copy and paste, which also took numerus tries. Everytime I tried to copy the text collapsed. BUT true to my TAURUS nature I’m as tenacios as a vise….
Nice picture Margaret! Enjoying a summer day with your mom?
Phil
thanks Phil!
it was indeed a nice afternoon, rabbits, alpacas, mom singing and making other ladies join in, sunshine and ice cream…
Margaret
Margaret, it sounds like it was very nice. How were the rabbit cooked, maybe in garlic?
Yikes, Phil and Margaret, I thought the same as I quickly read the response of ice cream and rabbits. Just teasing a bit. But, really, it is such a nice picture, Margaret, of you and your mom enjoying the day. Thank you for showing it.
S
I was reading a story from a man who lived in Baja California, Mexico about ten years ago. He lived across the street from an open dirt soccer field. One day, four cars pulled into the field and a bunch of seedy, menacing-looking guys clambered out of the vehicles. A member of this group opened the trunk of one of the vehicles and pulled out what was apparently a torture victim. Some of the group continued to beat on the victim until his limbs were immobile.
Some moments later, another member of this group opened a trunk of a second car and took out four lengths of rope. This gang tied each piece of rope to each limb of the victim and the other end of these four ropes to a rear bumper of each of the four vehicles. Everyone hurriedly re-entered their vehicles and sped off in four separate directions, tearing all the limbs apart from the victim’s torso.
The man who recalled this story said he never forgot the harrowing screams of agony as the cars drove off.
For a variety of reasons I had trouble believing whether this story is true or simply a product of an over-active imagination. I realize humans are capable of execrable depths of evil, but is it even possible to quickly attach ropes to limbs like that without them simply sliding off?
Maybe I was mentally traumatized reading that horrid story and couldn’t help myself from re-posting it on the blog, sorry. I probably should have given a warning first, for it shocked me enough to ask myself, “People really do stuff like this??”
Whether this story is true or not, humans are known to produce unspeakable cruelty. In somewhat related but better news, it seems South African police managed to capture and arrest Dawie Groenewald, the world’s most wanted man when it comes to rhino horn trafficking. Groenewald, a former policeman himself, was one of the the subjects of this 2016 story from National Geographic.
I hope they feed him to the alligators (you see? Cruelty again…)
Daniel, well later in the day I did come to understand why that supposed incident was traumatizing for me to read, and unfortunately I’m applying a 75% chance it really happened. The Mexican murderers may have taken their inspiration (if we can call it that) from a terrifying scene in The Hitcher.
My dad used to take me to all sorts of R-rated movies when I was young. I could handle most of them except for the baby alien popping out of a guy’s stomach in Alien. It was the only time I had to leave the theater as I was about to faint. Dad was bemused about this. This scene from The Hitcher was a very close second to where I almost had to leave the theater at the time.
Rutger Hauer was a good actor, but this on-screen murder is not for sensitive souls. You’ve been warned:
Neither of those scenes are in my opinion appropriate for children or young adolescents, Guru. Sorry you had to watch them. I also have a faint memory of either watching a film or reading a book, set in the Middle Ages, in which a man was torn apart by four horses.
I can understand your point about how dad might have been too permissive in this area. The chainsaw scene in Scarface and the head explosion in Scanners are other examples of where I was just barely able to ‘hold it together’ enough to stay in the theater the remainder of the productions.
I don’t want to fault your dad for this, I’m sure he had your best interests in mind and just wanted to enjoy something, a film in this case, with his son. In hindsight, always 20/20, it was a bit too much for you.
This is actually a slight hat tip to Primal ideas, for I could view almost any of those gory scenes now much more easily than I could when I was little, when all of it was so overpoweringly ‘real’.
Guru, some horror (like Alien) I have not and cannot watch, nor the one above, that you posted, and many others I could name on a long list. But the explosion in ‘Scanners’ I very much related to, as part of my own common feeling of being ‘under pressure’ and feeling like my brain is going to explode — I have felt that for many years.
Vicki, you might be surprised to know that the scene above from The Hitcher has much MUCH less actual physical blood and gore than the exploding Scanners head. There’s almost no actual blood at all. The reason the clip I posted above may be tough to take is the emotional component of Jennifer Jason-Leigh begging for her life. She did a skilled acting job of re-creating the pleadings of someone in that situation. Mercifully the movie did not explicitly show actual dismemberment, only leaving the end result to the viewer’s imagination.
I actually thought the Scanners scene was slightly tougher!
Sorry I can’t give you much intelligent feedback about your feeling under brain pressure. I can only posit some theories of my own which may be irrelevant to you there.
I also have another take on horror films, Guru, as a friend and I used to discuss/debate over a period of years: which is worse — the Werewolf, or Dracula? — in terms of prototypes for any horror creature. My friend was more frightened of the Werewolf, or any monster that would violently tear him apart and devour him, he found them more nightmarish, and felt Dracula was less scary, as if he felt he had more of a chance of survival. While I felt that Dracula was worse, as one who would sneakily subvert my being, sucking the life out, using me, and turning me into something “other” or not quite alive, so I would no longer know who I was — I would rather be dead quickly, than by slow & perverted torture. As a child, I saw little of either of those old horror films, as I found them all scary. But I find the question of preference interesting.
Sylvia and Phil,
ha, I had missed that part at first!
i must admit how while looking at the young playful rabbits chasing each other in the grass, I feel a bit guilty when brief memories cross my mind about tasty rabbit stews in my childhood and later on.
M
It was rather gloomy expecting the roar of the crowd and its applause only to encounter the silence in its absence. The pantomimes of the pictograms were wonderful and together with the flying ball of drones in the sky over the stadium were the highlight for me.
Also appreciated was the moving (for me) first-ever Olympic moment of silence for the Israeli athletes who were taken hostage, brutalized, and then murdered by Palestinian terrorists in the Olympic Park during the Munich games in 1972. Luckily the games are held in Japan. Had they been in woke San Francisco no doubt a moment of silence would have been held for the terrorists.
Those of you interested in what happened in Munich the 2000 Oscar winning documentary “One day in September” is excellent, a real thriller.
The film is also on Amazon Prime Video, in better resolution.
so sorry. i don’t like to hear the use of ‘woke’. the stupid fucking repuglicans have destroyed this country. if they spent just 10% of their energy trying to build a good clean lie-free world, we would all be better off. sure dems spend too much and generally f stuff up. just like repugs.
anyway, it did come to my mind yesterday why israelis hate palestinians more than ever. olympic massacre. that will never be forgiven. but israelis are f’d up with the way they eject palestinians from homes and bomb children. not that palestinians, americans, sryrians, houti, saudi, and on and on bomb kids. who gives them the bombs? hmmm this shit goes on forever. some of us can feel or see our pain, the others just say trump got screwed. nothing i can do about the shit that mankind and me do. i die soon enough, day by day. once dead, death no longer will haunt me, just the few that remain.
Otto, the Olympic massacre, as you call it, was only one burst of violence in a long list beginning more or less at the turn of the 20th century, when Jews began emigrating (or returning as they saw it) to Palestine, then part of the Ottoman empire. In the Israeli-Palestinian conflict the Jewish national narrative was always one of legitimacy and security, whereas the Palestinian national narrative was about uprooting and dispossession. When the conflict flares up from time to time both sides, as if in a Pavlovian response, hit the other side exactly where their national narrative hurts – the Palestinians with terror and the Jews with dispossession.
but what i really wanted to say before i remembered the existence of the white-trash repuglican half of this country. which reminds me, i am glad that some of us woke up to see the centuries-long torture of black, latin, asian, jewish, muslim brothers by unwoke white fucks like me. i didn’t realize it until this past year. blm spoke up because of cop-murdering-a-black. whoopee, now repugs take away our votes. assholes.
what i really wanted to say, here in l.a., my youngest son, his wife and 2 young children were exposed to covid this week. parents were already vaccinated. kids not. we will see how this plays out. i probably wont do group tomorrow because barb doesnt see anything wrong with going to lunch with our now-covid-adjacent son. old white cat stays alive in this f’ing heat but his long hair and fleas probably make him ver uncomfortable. suki remains pooping massive turds if i am not too tired to give her her meds. i got that other crap but i dont know how much to give. barb says you cant give too much of a homeopathic and you cant touch it either. makes no sense., anyway if i go to group tomorrow, this is all i have to say. of course the old pain of not exising and being heard will be ever present. i do like to hear other people and their lives.
NO what i really wanted to say was something about how the large bluejay squawks annoyingly everday if i havent left enough bird seed for him. he looks at ground as if to say “there’s seed on the ground buddie but i don’t want to get killed by your mfing cats, so please put some up here so i can stay alive”. i too was always interested in language, and i detest the so-called linguists who say that animals dont have a language. right on dr doolittle. also my wife’s son drove herself and kids to see a relative in arizona. they told her she need doctor referral to get covid test there. i hope she comes in contact with as many white-trash repugs as possible. less right-wing nazi voters next year. yes, i am just that much of a violent hateful beyotch.
I needed to listen yet again to Chaka Khan’s “Ain’t Nobody”, one on a list of songs I always have to move for. I have never seen her perform, but it always reminds me of when I saw her years ago at Whole Foods, shopping in the vegetable section. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3DT625kSyo
Actually, I like this version better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcAv1cGAeXE
another great group. i learn so much. i say i have nothing to say and everyone believes it. who on the planet has nothing to say? if i don’t say a thing in 2 seconds, the mob rushes in with their overneeds to be seen. since my bedroom is hot and unsafe for primal activity, i dont complain.
i have complained when this has happened during in-person groups (a few times) , but i probably wont be alive when or if that ever happens again.and next person gets to speak for an hour or a lifetime. of course this is my childhood mode, allow myself to be screwed and then hate the screwer.
what a revelation. with zoom group, i can just leave when i get tired of hearing people talk about themselves. so much easier and discreet than leaving an in-person group when someone interrupts me to tell me how dare i come forth all fat like i am. (just when i finally got a chance to speak, years ago). of course, i would always let my mind leave the premises when my poor dear insane angry grandmother kept talking on and on, decades ago. can’t remember where my mind went those years, to some fantasy world, thinking about stuff i could do…probably not a math problem, probably not about girls, maybe how tg build a submarine out of a refrigerator box for a movie i wanted to make. anyway, and definitely cant remember what grandma was talking about, maybe something about how she was disgusted. maybe like trump. must be a german thing. anyway, thanks for the opportunity, wish i could have stayed to listen to someone who i actually cared to hear from. anyway well worth the price of admission to leave and silently say fy to one and all who unfortunately, only care about themselves. this has given me some energy to do a couple of things, like order a fan for the heat dispersion in this shithole city that is obviously ungrateful for my need to be comfortable. i am still grateful to be alive. fuck me, i am crazier than ever. and dont think for a minute that i dont realize what a small pile of crap human being that i am.
Otto, I thought you had a chance to speak in group, but you didn’t want to say much, it seemed. I certainly have had the feeling that others are getting more attention in group, or that I’m not getting any, which is very painful to have to talk about. When that’s going on I find it hard to talk about anything else.
Otto, Get back here ! G.
BOY, DO I FELL BAD. NOT SAYING TO ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, I JUST NEED TO SAY IT. not shouting, but i should be. yep, i am doing something wrong. was optimistic for a while yesterday, and then just kablooey. wham. pow. another weekend with, at the least, no chores done which have backed up for a year, and at the most, a weekend of nothingness and no joy. again. thank golly for work, the ultimate pain killer. food is not working much anymore.
one last thing. i feel like a lab monkey or a factory chicken or dog pound cat trapped in a tiny cage, so suffocatingly small that i am screaming in agony. well, i try to go back to sleep. raccon eating peanuts outside, not in a cage
I went to he hairdresser yesterday and we had a very informative chat while he was cutting my hair!
he asked me how I was doing and when I told him I feel very tired all the time lately, he called out ‘youth!’
turns out we both had Moderna and both just went to the doctor with the same set of complaints.
feeling tired , blood pressure shifts, sometimes light in the head or even dizzy, and in his case his thyroid having slowed down.
i told him my blood sample showed no lacks of anything, and that I had suggested to my doctor it might be linked to moderna and Pfeisser seemingly triggering the lymph nodes for over 12 weeks instead of 2, like the other vaccines, to produce protective immune memory cells.
that would explain the tiredness, the body being in fighting mode.
my doctor seemed to hesitate, answering it had been a long time since my shots, but I replied since the last shot those 12 weeks would be over only in the midst of august.
my hairdresser told me he has a colleague of my doctor in the group medical center, and his doctor immediately linked his symptoms to the vaccine triggering his immune system, not a bad thing of course, but hopefully this side effect is temporary…
his doctor said he sees it regularly, and would bring it on the table in the medical group meeting with his colleagues.
it was such a relief to finally talk with someone who acknowledged my suppositions and confirmed them, as I was slowly started to ask myself if I was maybe developing cancer as I always feel so tired .
and it was great to talk with someone in the same position finally, he also told me his partner doubted his symptoms and conclusions, as the partner had the same vaccine but not these symptoms.
but that is not uncommon seemingly.
so for anyone feeling very tired, this can be it, your immune system building up a big protective army for future attacks.
I heard some day on the news this vaccine may therefor offer protection for years or even lifelong with only one set of shots.
let’s hope that’s right and let’s hope the fatigue diminishes after 12 weeks!
M
Otto,
you have a hard time in group but your comments are so well written, to the point and touching.
when i read them during your group, for which I felt too tired to participate, I was wishing Gretchen could read it, and then you’d, Gretchen, and wrote to Otto on the blog, which is impressive as I am sure you even managed to follow what went on there as well at the same time.
it feels so caring and really touched me.
I hope it became a good group for everyone, including Otto, but even when you did not return , Otto, you seem good to make the best out of things in your own way, way to go,
M
Phil, how are you doing?
has your suitcase arrived home already? with the jamon still in it?
M
Hi Margaret,
my suitcase finally came at 12;30 AM on Saturday, almost a whole week later. I encouraged the driver to come even at that hour, after he messaged me, and that he should ring my doorbell. It felt a little awkward, like should I have given him a tip for bringing my bag a week late? I had no cash, so I didn’t do that. The jamon, bones, and cheese (which I had forgotten about) were still there. My wife claims all of that food is still good, but I’m not tempted to give it a try. I’m very happy to have back my essential clothing items, shoes, etc., so I don’t have to run out and buy new things, and I feel less screwed by the airline. I remember you had a similar experience. Worse really, since you were away from home.
At times it’s hard being alone here, I’m triggered now and then with abandonment etc. But I have plenty of time to play the saxophone, and feel like I’m making good progress with that. I’m starting to have confidence that I can become a good musician. I’m staying connected with my wife through Whatsapp, and group yesterday was very helpful.
Phil
Margaret,
there was no rabbit in my suitcase, but I feel inspired to share a story. Years ago my mother-in-law visited us when our second son was born, and she stayed like two or three months. By that time we were already living in the suburban development where we’re still located. She is a farmer woman from a rural area in Spain. When she saw rabbits in our backyard her first thought was how good they would go with her cooking. She made some traps but had no luck catching any rabbits, after a lot of trying. Other critters like ground hogs and squirrels were easier to catch, but wouldn’t go good in paella. One day we were
outside and noticed a rabbit in the backyard. There was a baseball on the ground, and on an impulse I picked it up and threw it at the rabbit, 60, 70, or more feet away. I was amazed by my accuracy because I hit it in it’s hindquarters, and it was paralyzed. It couldn’t move. I doubt I could do that again in 1000 years. The best pitcher on the LA Dodgers, Clayton Kershaw, probably couldn’t do that. My mother-in-law quickly ran over there and broke it’s neck. Very soon we were enjoying some great free range rabbit for dinner. The funniest part of the story is that, for more than five years, there were no more rabbits on our property, although they were in the neighborhood. The word must have gotten around.
Phil
Phil,
that sounds like a fabulous throw indeed! Poor rabbit, but you must have risen sky-high in your mother in law’s esteem!
M
Margaret,
I did that for my mother-in-law, otherwise I wouldn’t pose any threat to wildlife. But we have always gotten along well, as long as my wife is happy, so getting that rabbit didn’t change anything with her. She’s just very food oriented, which is fine by me.
Phil
thanks for the opportunity to at least express some of my thoughts or feelings. the doom/bad feeling is fighting with my anti-depressant, and who will win? dont bother to read, only doing to clear out brain a little. forgot what i was going to say. busy. got to work. got to feed birds and other beings. water lawn. take out trash. earn my money. still alive but for how long. barb going to ohio to visit. letters like this i used to send from military school, letters to aunts, grandmother, i forget. most of them now gone. no family extended now, no friends. military school which we drove by a few weeks ago. now it is a regular school i guess. i never did this therapy right, few retreats, groups, especially sessions. took too much acid in youth. hanging on by a thick thread.
i am going to just keep babbling on and on, for no apparent reason. i stopped eating bread because my diabetes is way out of control. now i am extra tired for some reason. bread and meat. sandwiches. why does it remind me of my mean uncle giving me big chunks of barracuda that he caught and smoked in his smoking thing? no good can come of this, as i am already too full and bombarded with memories. the smell of the wet carpets that he clean on a big cement slab as a business. who gives a flying f.
barb not happy. probably because she live with stone-cold me. she go fly to ohio to see kid number 1. his bad back brought back his lust for pain killers and so he went insane for a while but maybe calmer now. i stay here and take care of spoiled and/or sick or old cats. and eat pizza
don’t know why, makes me tear up for some reason
How Simone Biles saved herself — and her teammates — at the Olympics
stone-cold me
I wanted to hug her. This super-human athlete turning human made her image and career all the more impressive, talking about having mental and emotional difficulties, going to therapy, taking medications, not trusting herself, wanting to do it for herself but feeling she’s doing it for other people.
The reports are Biles has been having therapy since Larry Nassar’s abuse of gymnasts came to light. Athlete A, the Netflix documentary about the case, is IMO good compared to many other examples of the True Crime genre, not only for the journalistic achievement or the story of young women who find justice, but also for showing the thin line between coaching and abuse, and most of all IMO the dark side of parents’ ambitions and wishes for their children who may, just like Simone, find themselves “doing it for other people”.
Unfortunately, the film only touched upon this last point, without delving deeper into it, but still it was brave for bringing it up rather than remaining in the comfort zone of (good) victims and (bad) perpetrator. It was missing in the documentaries about Jeffery Epstein (also on Netflix) or Harvey Weinstein.
Sorry, the documentary I saw was HBO’s At the Heart of Gold, not Netflix’s Athlete A.
I’ve found that this very old song (but new to me) has become effective at helping with feelings. “I had the craziest dream” (that my mother loved me), but there was no sign that she did. I strongly closed off from wanting or needing anything from her in childhood, opening that up is very painful and difficult. I think the truth is I don’t remember much, because there’s almost nothing good to remember. I’ve twisted the meaning of this song around to suite my feelings. Phil
good for you, phil, to find that song. what you wrote brings tears to my eyes. a lotta pain…
Thanks Otto
Phil,
my screenreader could not detect any link to the song you mentioned.
can you send me the link or post it in some other way so I can find it?
thanks, I am curious as to which song it is, M
Margaret,
I sent it to you in an email. I bought a CD set of the Harry James Orchestra some months ago. They were popular in the big band era in the 1940’s. I’ve found several songs on there they I like a lot, and help bring out feelings. Here’s another one, which happens to have a great alto sax in the middle. I’m just very sensitive to music, it’s one of my main things. So these songs may not have an impact on anyone else.
It has an alto sax solo in the middle, is what I meant to say, by Willie Smith. I hope I can play that good some day. These songs were popular when my mother and father were young, in there 20’s, so I can imagine them at that age listening to them. They had a lot of love for each other, it seems, but little or nothing for me.
Phil
I was likely in my 50’s when I realized after watching a movie about the, ” Hep Cats,” where my mother’s, to me, disconnected sayings came from. She had been attracted to that culture and that music. I understood then,too, why she seemed to have no sense of timing, amazing voice but zero timing, when we gathered around the pump organ to sing those boring, droney hymns and WHITE music. Her timing came from Jazz and 30’s POP; always bang on when called for.
thanks Phil!
I love the combination of the close harmonies with the playfulness of the melody and lyrics and the richness of the big band instruments.
ran into another version of the crazy dream too a bit lower down on the site, maybe from Ella Fitzgerald, not sure, a bit slower , think I prefer the big band version for its playfulness.
also listened to the zoo song, haha.
could not read which song was the second one you liked, with the alt sax solo in it, what was the title?
M
Margaret,
the second one I posted just now is called “It’s been a long long time”, I’ll also send you the link in an email. I think it was recorded by many different artists, but I like this version. It was a popular song during WW2.
Phil
can’t get it through my head. wtf is music? mankind took a hard right turn from chimps and stepped on the accelerator. what does it mean? wtf this stuff opens me up? John Paul Jones & Paul Gilbert – Going to California [HD – Stereo] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8WpL5eHFkM&list=RDMMJ8WpL5eHFkM&start_radio=1
Beautiful. Thank you.
wish i could let myself cry with it. not sure who turned the song onto me. probably someone who smoked pot. if i cried i would remember.
broken diamonds. now there is a well-crafted, well-acted, well-filmed, and probably well-directed movie about mental illness. not a tear-jerky one, but at thend of it, i am left feeling oh so sad. maybe i wake up in the middle of the night hen cats are crawling over me, maybe i let myself feel a little more of the sadness. of course, my kids got my mental illness passed down to them also. i put this out, since a lot of us like the movies on tv, and hollywood has really gone absent with anything good at all for so many years now. just in case you didnt want to be the last to know about this gem, or maybe i am the last to know. finally something barb and i could watch together instead of drivel.
Phil, i like the sax in ‘Return to Sender’. it just seems out-of-place as an instrument in that piece, to me at least. but a beautiful sub-melody or whatever the technical term. not sure if it was a producer, or elvis himself who put it in there. i have heard that some musicians like to do something called ‘jamming’ so maybe it just burst forth that way. maybe the sax guy came to the studio while he was on a visit to his 80-year old mother or something. maybe the player who usually filled that spot in the band was out with a cold. maybe i have watched too much tv and movies in my life and i livein a fantasy world. maybe i am totally wrong about this song. i will post this and look for my cheap little white-wire earphones and see. i dont want to blast the neighbors or barb, they are all pretty much wishing i didnt exist or at least wish they never had to hear from me again. well, that is certainly an old feeling out of my babyhood, feeling that keeps me out of group and even sessions. ‘nobody wants to hear my pain’. i typed this with one finger, fast enough since i took typing in 8th grade. typed with one of my fingers that is no longer numb. chiropractor told barb that it could be something with my spine. chiropractor that i will never go see, since i already tried that with barb’s 1st chiropractor, who was busy selling supplements to a patient the first time we walked into her office, and i was aghast right away, rightfully so because 20 years later, thousands spent on them, hopefully keeping barb alive and free of painful disease. she is certainly happy for someone who says she is unhappy. because of me. anniversary next week 45 years i think. motormouth me. fuck me. go fuck yoursel otto.
Otto, the sax in “Return to Sender” is nice, it’s kind of throughout the song.
i guessif you shove a bottle into a baby’s mouth everytime he starts crying, that might lead to over-eating in the future. don’t need noom to figure that out for me. i go take shower now, in the dirty-floor-showerstall, dirty since i didn’t want to catch covid from a plumber since april 2020. i promise i will be quiet so i dont wake up barb
ok one last thing since you pried it out of me. i seem to feel lighter and less depressed lately (except when i wake up in the middle of the night and my mind presents to me all the horrific unforgivable , mistakes i have made in my life, especially with my children) –but my thinking is that i feel somewhat better being related to august is mostly sun sign leo, but ….anyway, dont breathe if you come to l.a. today. 100 degrees where i live, and bad air on all sides https://www.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=85c7770bac684749a631bd7b42eac1b7
This past weekend I went to the Newport Jazz festival and there was a lot of great music, so it was wonderful to be there. It could have been better in that I went by myself. It started Friday, which I missed, but I was there Saturday and Sunday. Usually I wouldn’t have the energy to do something like this with no companionship, so it was good I was able to do it. It was costly, but worth it.
My wife is still out of town until this comingweekend. If she had been here we probably wouldn’t have gone. I got turned on to a lot of musicians and music I wasn’t aware of before. For example, there was some great harp playing, and I never really listened to jazz harp playing before, certainly not at a concert. One part of the festival was a jam session, which included harp playing by a young woman in her early 20’s. I’m fascinated by the idea of being able to join in on a jam session, with some playing that fits in.
I’m afraid I didn’t connect with anyone during this experience, and although I didn’t feel alone at the event, before and afterwards I did. I had some big feelings with the help of the song I shared a few days ago. Nothing really to do with going to the festival, I most likely would have been alone at home anyway.
What I came away with from the feelings of the last days, is just how pervasive the abandonment I experienced in childhood was, how damaging it was, in this case by my mother. I’ll be feeling more on this theme, that’s for sure.
I feel inspired to attend more events like this, and to continue playing the alto sax. But I’m never going to reach the level of playing of a professional musician, and that’s OK. I can have fun trying.
Phil
I was very impressed with Trombone Shorty. He plays trombone, trumpet, sings, and plays some drums too. His music is so lively and entertaining, he’s a great showman, and has a great band. Makes me want to visit New Orleans, where he’s from.
why this make me sad Honky Cat – Elton John
Alison Krauss – In my mind I`m going to Carolina so sad. this would be great if i wasnt pissed off at the South. sad music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9NG7cLNzbs Dixie Chicks – Wide Open Spaces also a good one to bring a little tear. real life
I’m still stuck with the song below, “I had the Craziest Dream”. It’s just so well done. The singer, Helen Forrest titled her book with that song title, I guess because it was the biggest hit of her career.
The song seems be touching my existential aloneness, she seems to sing it directly to me, She’s alone and despairing about ever getting what she wants. I’ll be with it until some other song takes over.
It had me crying again, and it was about some memories of my mother, her leaving me alone. It’s a crazy dream that I would ever get anything from her, so I should give it up. There’s no magic that can ever make that happen.
I’m not alone now, I picked my wife up at the airport today. She’s exhausted and sleeping. I will be doing much better having her around, but she can’t heal the kind of aloneness I’m talking about.
I guess it’s what made me stay quiet at the jazz festival I just went to, instead of trying to connect with people, that just doesn’t happen for me naturally. I went there for the music, not to try to make friends, but that would have been nice. It’s the same reason I don’t use my Spanish so much while in Spain, even though I can say a lot. I guess language isn’t really the problem. I wasn’t totally mute, but I said very little to my niece and nephew, for example, and some other people who I’ve known a long time. It can feel like I’m locked in a pattern I can’t break out of.
It’s something to do with this feeling about my mother. Waiting, there’s nothing coming from her, but it’s the only thing to do. Trying to get anything from her resulted in punishment.
Phil
I had more feelings with this yesterday and I’m starting to distinguish and feel that some of this I go through is very early feelings and experiences. It feels helpful to get that perspective on it.
We’ll be taking another trip, which will be another nice break from work. There’s a wedding to go to in Seattle, and we will be exploring the area, which is the part that I’ll especially enjoy, besides not having to work.
Phil
i didnt really have much to say in group beyond sparring about covid. actually i could have talked about my nightmares of being trapped or about the f’ing cats waking me up at 2am everynite. or the email that i was concocting to send to my kids concerning my feelings about old age or some birth feeling of being trapped and struggling to breathe and almost dying or my anniversary next wednesday and the 45 years of my marriage but hey even though a small group, all minutes were used on everybody else. my experience in primal since 1985. so i am always left with the feeling of intense, angry, go-fuck-yourselves you crew of self-centered bitches that i am excluded from. you know, excluded from the human race. going to go get bird seed, fucking animals let me into their world.
Uh…you’re making excuses for yourself. You had the spotlight for a while. Gretchen tried to engage you in conversation. You chose to say nothing. No one else to blame for it Otto.
Otto,
a very happy birthday to you!!
Margaret
Happy birthday Otto!!!, if it is your birthday, or when it arrives.
NO. anniversary! thanks; after a somewhat humdrum day at paradise cove where the air was mostly still and the waves to busty to really go into the water nand too crowded with families and their children having the time of their lives, we found this gem on kmozart, a love of classical that is one of the few things that barb and i share. the violin went on forever we bought thought and said to each other and a tragedy is of course in the making. at least we both can share company with each other still, that’s the whole of it, no fireworks, we got together in 1976 and it has been a lot of hello and hell that we went through together. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN8qhhg9u4M Beethoven, violín concierto. Anne Sophie-Mutter the one on the radio that lasted forever was karajan directing. but this one drives me to tears also–the last part especially. my journey on the planet will be ending soon enough, and very hard to live with.
Otto,
thanks for that incredibly beautiful music!
it seems to contain all what life is about, pain and beauty.
not a small thing to share with your partner either…
m
The Olympics ending along with the recent comments here regarding music, reminded me of a funny story. In 1991 the Soviet Union collapsed. A year earlier Lithuania already left the Union to declare its independence. The Lithuanian national basketball team made it through all the preliminaries to qualify for the Barcelona Olympics, which was about to take place in 1992, but the Lithuanians were dead broke and the new independent and proud state couldn’t afford to finance its team with even flight tickets to Barcelona.
The players were desperate. They searched for sponsors all over the world, but all their efforts came to naught. No one would finance them. Then Dennis McNally, the Grateful Dead publicist, read a San Francisco newspaper story about it and mentioned it to Jerry Garcia. Garcia was turned on and decided that the band will bankroll the Lithuanians, but on one condition: The Grateful Dead will design the Lithuanian National Basketball Team’s uniforms for the Olympics. The relieved team happily accepted. Here are the uniforms with which the Lithuanians eventually played in Barcelona:
The team had great success at the Olympics. They won game after game and only lost the semi-finals to the US dream team with Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, and other basketball legends. They then played for the bronze medal against the very strong Russians and won 82-78. The bronze medal was theirs.
Michael Johnson, himself a stickler for personal clothing expression on the court, was so taken by the Lithuanian uniforms that he asked for a shirt as a souvenir.
haha love this story! thanks for sharing. I wonder if you could find one of these shirts floating around on eBay
$550.00 on eBay, but who knows if it is authentic???
https://www.ebay.com/itm/402986058992?chn=ps&norover=1&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-117182-37290-0&mkcid=2&itemid=402986058992&targetid=1262749492262&device=c&mktype=pla&googleloc=9030964&poi=&campaignid=11758020206&mkgroupid=117435992330&rlsatarget=pla-1262749492262&abcId=9300462&merchantid=6296724
i am so depressed about afghanistan falling (and another big old feeling i dont have time to write about). i feel betrayed by biden. what a dumb old shit. just like dumb old scump said
I agree that’s a great story about the Grateful Dead Lithuanian Olympic Basketball team uniforms, I had forgotten that. And Otto, I’ve been reading about Afghans this week, but it just makes me feel we should never have been in that war, pouring money down a hole of terror and death for two decades. I keep feeling, “Just get the hell out of there!” No sense sending any more soldiers in. No pride to salvage. But I don’t claim to know the Afghan situation’s origin and development.
Change of subject: As I am fasting and dieting, I often read what users post on a “Fasting Community” I belong to. This morning someone wrote about where their weight problem began, and how they were “sent to bed if you didn’t eat what was cooked for you.” Some of those who chimed in wrote about power struggles between parents and kids, or how they were bullied by their parents, or “could not listen to your own sensations when it came to stop eating.” and were “not entitled to your own opinion regarding food”. One said, “I don’t even know where to start. Was told to clean my plate – we could not leave food on the table when so many people were starving and my mom had spent so much time cooking.” Another wrote, “My parents were bullies, and we had DV issues in the form of yelling and swearing and plates, cups and beer bottles being smashed at walls and on the floor. We were a family of sorts but we were never good enough for our parents. My mother also took great joy in calling me fat over and over again – I wasn’t at that point – but I sure proved I could be”. Those excerpts are from 42 responses on the post I read, so a lot of people with a lot of feelings.
By then I was thoroughly worked up, so I wrote my comment: ‘I relate to those who wrote of their “abusive food childhoods”, like mine. Not only “clean your plate” because of expense, but also “starving children around the world”, and “because I said so”. I had to sit for 3-4 hrs. on Sundays, chasing bits of scrambled egg around my plate, covered with ketchup, gagging them down — I still hate eggs, and gag at the smell! At three years, they felt I was “too thin”, afraid that “people would think they didn’t take care of me”, so they “had to force me to eat”, they told me. I can’t remember the gagging, spitting up, and face-slapping — but from 3 yrs. old, I became obese, the rest of my life — and my mom berated me every day for being fat, telling me, “No one will ever love you, because you’re fat.” That was hard to write, but it’s true, so I won’t delete it. I feel lucky to have had therapy, instead of blowing my brains out over all of it. No picnic being treated like s***, and told it’s good for me. I just work hard every day, to recover from the abuse, as best I can, and not let it take the rest of my life away from me. No other choice.’
I don’t think I have written a more concise version of this narrow subject, in the past, nor on a “public” forum. I felt good about it, just that I stuck to the related topic, and didn’t try to broaden into the rest of my life. When we asked, “Why?”, my dad commonly said, “Because I’m the boss, and I say so!”, or “Do as I say, not as I do!” and certainly didn’t like hypocrisy pointed out.
That part of your story reverberates mine, the, ” fat,” diatribe, and any excuse to hit.
Have you read Change Your Genetic History, Dr Peter J D’Adamo ? I have read them, and tried them, DIETS,” all,” and this is the first author who has done the SCIENCE to support the conclusions on human nutrition. It’s health, not just lose weight, oriented. Not a Diet book, Losing the weight is a result of getting well
The one size fits all approach doesn’t hold up logically nor scientifically. I also use intermittent fasting; didn’t know it had a name; my eating window is 12 noon – 4 pm. Dr Sten Eckberg, former Olympian sprinter, has a lot of good info on Youtube. ( Wonder if they stole the logo idea from U2 ?? hmmm) I part with Eckberg only in his adherence to one size nutrition, and exercise, fits all. When I was practicing Naturopathy I observed that it doesn’t. Low fat, vegetarian patients, and me, remained or got fat. A 7 week water fast followed by a diet with good fats, low protein, low starches, NO juices, NO sugar, eating whole foods that I cook, was like jet fuel, for me. When a doc friend sent me one of D’Adamo’s books in the 90’s his scientific research explained it all. INDIVIDUALIZED HUMAN MEDICINE. Anyway, I’m ranting.. best thoughts…
Thanks, David, I have heard of D’Adamo, but haven’t yet read him.
With 5 cases today, New Zealand is on Covid Lockdown. Wow! Jacinda Ardern is not messing around! https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/national/449390/live-covid-19-updates-nz-in-alert-level-4-lockdown-as-more-cases-revealed
I find this so heartbreaking, I am still crying, an item on the news about Kaboul, Afghanistan, all those people desperatelyu wanting to escape, but the worst item was the one about a long line of women, mostly Afhan, handing over their small children to each other hopeing at the end of the line someone would be there to take them over and bring them into safety and freedom into some airplane.
it is so sad, so terrible, to as a last resort hand over your own small children to strangers , actually to other women in a long line, not even knowing what will happen to them and if they will reach safety.
imagine being a mother having to do this out of fear of the kind of life or even death tjeu might have to face if they kept them over there.
Boy, this really gets to me, such deespair, such impossible sacrifice.
so sad so sad, so wrong and unacceptable…
margaret
The above comment is from Margaret.
oh boy, the health thing. sorry afghanis, you got totally screwed by us. so sorry. i just try to stay alive to take care of cats, kids, bar. another chase dream last nite. maybe the fan brings it on, chased by the murderer of animals, and me(almost). uncle murderer. and now i murder self with eating. chased by angry murdere dream. but it really is–impending heatt attack dream. too high of blood sugar. i keep gtrying the smallest of changes but my heart is most likely broken. seeing doctor next week. impossible to fast. trying to eat vegetables but carl’s jun ior calls me on the weekends. got to work now–that is a major shitload of stress, probably only because it it enmeshed in old feelings. cant wait for that burger
Otto, persistence does make a difference, coming back to try again to achieve what you need, again. I say this only because my work on fasting and long term consistently improving my diet (and exercise) is getting some results. Not just 30 lbs. down, but also after over 20 yrs. of “diagnosis – diabetic”, testing by my Dr. shows I am offically now at “increased risk of developing diabetes.” That is a whole category of improvement.
boy sometimes, i got to talk. like my grandmother (who didnt listen to me much), no one else has to listen. i just like to write. it’s friday and only 8 hours until freedom from work, although i will have to get up at 7 tomorrow because the birds, cats, and others want to be fed plus i go get food for me before the grocery store gets crowded. anyway, my uncle, the murderer of fish, pigeons, and almost me. Like other Texan murderers, such as Governor Abbott, who is killing off his people by being a dick repuglican forbidding mask mandates. of course, he will survive his covid (like Scump) but if one of these crackhead, high-up repugs would die, maybe that would send a message to the other dumb buttholes. and yes i am an ahole for wishing harm on some people, but “sending the message” is part of our judicial system (the world over).
i guess bingeing on old grey’s anatomy shows, where 1 or more people die per episode, could be affecting me. but i like the characters.
my eating or over-eating or looking-forward-to-eating-because-that-is-the-only-human-contact-i-will-get or starving-because-i-was-locked-away-for-not-eating-what-i-was-supposed-to-eat PAIN is definitely killing me. my only source of pleasure. i wish my mom hadn’t abandoned me to jackals.
Still alive? Yes. A Vietnamese pharmacist used to ask me that every day at work, with a chuckle, in happier days. We go see our youngest son alex tomorrow and maybe his kids too. The resolution to his marriage problem, is that they stayed married but the rich aunt got alex’s wife and kids a great place to live in, and alex moved back into their old apartment to make it easier for his visits with the kids. This is ideal (maybe) because he is not being subjected to the (alleged) insane abuse his wife was inflicting on him. All it cost me and barb was grief and thousands for his lawyer and therapy with e.
The thought of going to see him tomorrow, moved back into his home that he had not been in for months, starting over from a horrible situation, still hopeful and young–triggered a dream for me last night. I was moving into a new place myself, and there was a big empty closet, and when I saw it, I yelled out “this will make a great primal room!” and that was a real thing for me in 1975. There was also a big reel of movie film with the end piece of film loose and I could see a perfectly exposed and clear picture of alex as a young kid in one of the frames. Some dream. Happier days. No murderer chasing me this time.
When I got out of the navy, I eventually got a cheap apartment with a big closet that I wanted to use as a primal room. Apartment was in a bad neighborhood so my brother didn’t want to move in with me there. I was young and full of hope for a total primal cure, fueled by listening over and over to john lennon music. I don’t think I ever actually got any primals going, I didn’t have the foggiest idea how to do it, and the neighbors were scary. They stole my tape player and that began a long slide into depression. I also wanted to be a film-maker and that dream was slowly crashing, and later suddenly died at some point in my marriage.
I had heard about primal in the navy and had an acid-induced primal with screaming and actual feeling, but the navy psychiatrist kicked me out of the navy when I told him that. Anyway, my kids probably have hope still and my only hope is for a painless death, when fate brings it forth. Anyway. I am tired of work and taking care of things.
That all sounds like progress, Otto, with your son and his family situation.
I read the daily police report log that appears in our paper. Besides all the bad news of domestic violence and other crimes of neurosis, there are some less harmful, quirky things entered into the log of weekly happenings in the county having been reported by concerned citizens.
Here are a few that caught my attention: It was reported that a man in the Walmart parking lot was peering into car windows. His answer was that he was simply looking at his reflection.
A homeowner reported that some people they did not like were writing insults with a stick in the dirt on his front lawn.
On Walnut St. two men were getting in and out of a blue car around 11:40 a.m. Thurs. They had been doing it since 3 a.m.
A woman had been in the showers and would not leave Travel Center of America around 6:35 p.m. Thurs. She had been in the showers for more than 3 hrs. She was admonished for her actions and advised of her felony and misdemeanor warrants.
Diamond Ave.: A man and woman were engaged in inappropriate activities in the grass near the entrance of the skate park around 10:50 a.m. Thurs.
Oh well. Sometimes the news makes me laugh.
S
Sylvia, I get that from news, too. But last night, it was from a review of a 28 oz. barrel of Utz pretzels. People are passionate about the Utz brand, so I read, even though I don’t buy. Numerous other reviewers reported similar problems, but some still love the taste. A guy answered someone’s question, “Approximately how many pretzels per jar?”
That truth may never be known.
First off, they sell them by mass and volume.
Second, not all pretzels are created equal.
Ergo, the number varies barrel to barrel.
All that is ultimately irrelevant based on my experience.
My local Food Lion rearranged their store to torment old people, thus hiding the large pretzels at the end of an aisle for toothpaste and hand cremes.
In order to feed my need, I ordered one barrel, on line, thru Amazon….
= really, really bad idea.
The barrel was dropped in to a generously larger box, which was awarded a miserly wad of paper. This aggregate resulted in significant rattle inside the box, with little or no protection for the contents. The box “did” provide an excellent platform for the shipping label.
Next, consider the subsequent tossing from one UPS truck to another, with the grand finale of kicking down my driveway before punting on to my porch. On the plus side, it did make it within two days – and, the plastic barrel did not rupture.
The non-ruptured barrel still contained the original mass/weight of pretzels.
The volume of the barrel was unchanged.
The displacement of the pretzels was considerably effected.
It appeared to be – about – 2/3s full.
As it turns out, pretzel dust takes up less space than whole pretzels.
It gets better.
The largest pretzel fragments were sans salt.
All the salt was stripped off, settling into the pretzel-granola on the bottom.
So, if you are talking “whole pretzels”, I can confidently state that I received “0”.
You “could” get lucky and get 3 or 4. On a good day, you might even score double digits – dozen or more.
If you are in to eating pretzels with a spoon, go for it.
I filed this experience in my “what was I thinking” file.
I forgot to mention, what first got me into reading the Utz pretzel barrel reviews, was some woman’s question, “Can these containers, after they’re empty, be used as cat beds?” I laughed, astonished. Someone replied that they should be fine, unless it was a Maine coon or some other large breed.
A cat bed, huh. Funny. Nice answer, though about the breeds too big for the bed. People and their pretzels…who would have guessed. Nice comeback by the guy who complained about the shipping process, a lot of creative talent on amazon reviews. I had never heard of Utz brand before, I feel too sheltered.
S
Yeah, Sylvia, a surprising amount of creativity flows into amazon reviews, more often from those p’o’d about something, than from those enamoured. Sometimes I stumble onto something that keeps me in stitches, even to recurring hours later, when thinking about it again. A few years ago, when I was de-fleaing my house after I first got Baby, I discovered that half the reviews for food-grade diatomaceous earth were about how well it dehydrates insects, and the other half were about the benefits of its ingestion, to improve regularity in the bathroom. Who knew! I actually tried a small amount in water myself, to see how it would taste, and had no problem with it. It would likely help with tapeworm — a friend of mine had that many years ago, and had to take enough of a poison to kill the worm, but not her, which was risky.
I did not know about Utz either, until I started my keto dieting, and looked for no-carb and high-fat munching foods — many brands have some kind of sweetener added, but Utz has keto pork rinds, which I don’t eat much anymore. So much is “out there”, it’s easy to feel sheltered. At a work meeting recently, I was told that emojis have changed so much, that the “skull” emoji now means “dying laughing” among 20-yr.-olds, rather than something bad, as I would naturally think, and I’ll bet a lot of us would, too.
RIP – I saw online that Charlie Watts is gone. End of an era for the Stones.
WOW !! I don’t know why I am always surprised when someone in my age group dies. Great trapper, Charlie. And why do I make charecter judgements about people I don’t know; ie: Charlie; who I made an emotional jugement that he was the socially responsible/respectable, , drugs, promiscuity, yadayadayada, STONE.
A friend of mine built two guitars for Keith, an acoustic and a tele inspired electric. He delivered them personally and spent a week at Keith’s home. He was mightily blown away to discover that the crazy man image has been a decades old publicity stunt. The Keith he met was a devoted family man with an impressive relationship with his wife and daughters, but whenever the created persona was called into action, out came the cigarette and the glass of scotch. He said he never saw him consumer either, nor any other consciousness altering substance. He says Keith jagged in both habits years back. He also discovered that Keith plays Classical guitar with great feeling, taste, technical skill, and modest aplomb.
An aside, I just finished chelation therapy to cleanse my carotids. Six months from now I should know the clinnical result.
Another aside, the same friend built the, ” Six Strings Nation, Canada, guitar using landmark bits and pieces, moose antler nut, a piece of Paul Henderson’s hockey stick used in the Canada Russia series, a piece of Pierre Elliot Trudeau’s canoe paddle, a bit of a Gretsky ring; the top being wood from the criminally assassinated Haida Gwai 300 year old Golden Spruce, ( fellow Canuks will know what I mean.) The elders accepted my friend’s request for the wood donation, guided him to the site, and gave him enough wood to make 3 Sitka guitar tops. This beautiful guitar and it’s now world travel story including the many players can be viewed on line.
There are lots of days where I am overwhelmed with amorphous despair.
Despairing questions, such as…
Considering what Janov once wrote, “Although the brain is an exquisitely complex organ, it is not mystical.” along with that statement’s attendant inference that death is the true end of all experiences and we simply dissolve into nothing when we die…..
Does this mean we are simply sophisticated lapdogs chasing after lots of advanced degrees, money, fame, adulation…nothing more than sophisticated lapdogs trying to fetch sophisticated frisbees that almost all of the Earth’s inhabitants won’t give a shit about such breathless pursuits we made when we die anyway?
If it wasn’t for Fritz Haber’s nitrogen capture methods about 100 years ago, billions of us wouldn’t have been able to exist due to inadequate agriculture fertilization to stave off hunger long enough to become sophisticated lapdogs chasing after imaginary Frisbees (aka “money”) generated from imaginative thin air by the extraordinarily complex brains of central bankers.
So….what’s the point?
I still struggle with those empty and sad questions all the time. They permeate my existence through and through.
Mr. Bob Jones earned his degree and scored his big job at university #46128 in town to fetch his wondrously complicated job in section 6B city #39150-A in country XYZ. Who’s gonna give a shit about that, really? Just another sophisticated disposable lapdog.
B-b-b-b-but…Bob’s friends and family will care!!
All I can do is sigh and explain it’s just an internal oxytocin shot.
Guru, the vacuity of secular life is overwhelming indeed but somehow most of us manage to avoid that realisation. My own experience is that people find most meaning in doing something for others.
By the way, and at the risk of arousing your anger at me, I’d skip over Margaret’s suggestion for pets and move up the evolutionary ladder straight to human beings. They tell me those mating apps are easier for the apprehensive and being even a half decent man you’re way ahead of the regular male crowd there. I’m sure there are women out there looking for companion, for conversation, for not being alone. It’s possible. Look at Larry!
Daniel, I waxed a bit hyperbolic in the depths of my despair when I said, “These empty and sad (secular) questions permeate my being all the time.”
Yes, I have my terribly downcast hours and days when I become more of a militant atheist. Other days I’m in a more neutral (or even semi-good) mood to where I am more of an agnostic open to new ideas beyond simple materialism.
I really liked your first sentence concisely explaining everything, though: “Guru, the vacuity of secular life is overwhelming indeed but somehow most of us manage to avoid that realisation.”
I’m not angry about your idea regarding seeking the right life partner.
Guru,
I think Daniel made some good points here. Snails make great companions, and are loyal and easy to take care of, but it’s nice to hang out with your own species I think.
Phil
Guru,
what went through my mind reading what you wrote is, that it might help you a lot to adopt a pet, cat or dog or even both, if they get along.
life ’s quality depends so much on company and affection, caring and appreciation.
and for oxytocin shots, my present course of anthrozoology taught me a little while ago that both the person caressing the pet and the pet itself gets a boost of oxytocin in the process, heart rate lowers, blood pressure drops, cortisol levels drop.
and it is just so nice to have a few living beings around, soft and cuddly and funny and smart in their own ways, to brighten up life.
your thoughts might become less gloomy while you can still ponder what makes life worthwhile living.
just an idea, maybe you could give it a try?
m
Margaret, you told me sometime earlier this year that you found my sarcasm and cynicism to be annoying. After you told me this, you then proceeded to show us your mom who has had the extraordinarily lucky privilege of of living to be 90 years old. Have you considered how radically unrecognizable things would have been different for you had she been killed at 30 as it was in my case?
I didn’t respond to you at the time about how utterly irritating that was for me because I appreciate the enormous sight-impairment challenges you face every day.
Your comments made me a lot less inclined to say as much anymore to you, though.
My mom’s mom lived to almost 91 despite her pack a day cigarette smoking and her extensive alcohol problems dealing with the pain of losing her only child, so yeah it would have been very likely mom would have lived just as long had nature taken its course instead of the ‘miracle’ of the automobile.
I tried to explain this through Lisa Lewis’ book about auto crashes, but I realized over time society doesn’t care…those lives are completely disposable and not worth a second thought in mainstream consciousness.
No wonder society has been worthless garbage for me, and my thoughts are meaningless to society anyway.
I should correct myself a little bit. I knew society had a massive vested interest in not caring one whit about the human collateral damage from automobile crashes when I tried to present Lisa Lewis’ book, but it dawned on me that society never WILL care no matter what I did.
At least I get to look forward to being Bob Jones, student #37126-A at university #29-T in city section B of Anytown country XYZ. How inspiring. Who gives a fuck???
A meaninglessly disposable piece of Soylent Green in the massive sea of humanity courtesy of Fritz Haber.
And no, Margaret, I don’t want a pet for now. Too many other things for me to worry about besides the expense and effort of pet maintenance. I still miss dad tremendously, yet good friends are nice to have.
Guru. you might consider a snail, probably the easiest pet to take care of, aside from a rock.
https://www.thesprucepets.com/pet-snail-considerations-5114912
Of course another good option would be a virtual pet. I had pet snails myself when I was younger, and we went through a virtual pet phase as well.
Haha, well that’s a cute idea. I still have half of a large jar of snail shells I collected from childhood. No, none from live snails, just picked off the ground.
Incidentally, yesterday I caught my predator neighbor who surrounds me sitting in a truck with his main employee watching me put my five loads groceries away from my car into the house…..from start of the five back-and-forth trips…to finish. When I notably smirked and cocked my head after seeing them, they scurried off in the henchman’s truck.
No, it’s not paranoia…the predator wanted to see how good of physical shape I was in bringing the groceries back and forth.
If I exhibit signs of struggling or bad health…he can become more excited about grabbing my home soon and focus on any specific weaknesses I display
If I exhibit signs of vigor and purposefulness, they will focus their endeavors elsewhere.
Just a casual check, you know.
It’s possible he also checked to see signs of my bringing any alcohol into the house so he can feel more hopeful I will catch cirrhosis or other alcohol-related diseases sooner (sorry to disappoint, not on this trip).
Any signs of healthy food such as spinach peeking out from the bags would be bad news for him, as he would have to wait longer before grabbing the land I live on.
No, I’m not kidding, it’s really that bad.
To drive home my point and show I am not delusional, the day his father jumped up and down on my porch he audibly noted that I was carrying a carton of cigarettes to my house an hour AFTER I did this. Yes, I smoked cigarettes 18 years ago…and the way he said what he said tipped me off that he was taking my cigarette purchase as a hopeful sign I could die sooner so he could grab the house and land.
it’s no joke or delusion, this is really the sick, avaricious crap I’m dealing with,.
finally I start to regain my energy and fitness, after 3 months of my body working to boost my immune system.
it feels very good.
I also finished some codeine painkillers yesterday, I still had a prescription, which i activated because of all kind of pains and ailments starting to make life miserable due to the combination of poor energy, stress and many things to do.
i must say the painkillers stopped the vicious cycle of stress, sore neck and shoulders, more stress etc.
of course it was a bit of a struggle to deal with the codeine and stay in control, as much as possible in any case, but now, actually to my relief, the box is finished and there I go again for the healthy life…
lately my mom was more distressed and not so healthy which worried me a lot but luckily she was fine again when I went to visit her yesterday with my brother.
it was also very good to watch how loving he can be with her, at some point he hugged her spontaneously and she audibly relaxed, and then said ‘he does love me!’, it was so simple and basic and heartwarming, was just what she needed at that point, and probably what he needed as well.
and it was also what I needed to see and enjoy.
so back on track again, in hopefully a world slowly returning to a more ‘normal’ lifestyle again, and in any case working to make the best of things.
M
I can barely stand to be. just have to speak it, if only in writing. then i feel less alone. i’m sure this will pass when this horrible heat goes away. when biden and the stupid dems grow a brain. oh wait, some dick repug is going to push newsom out? biden wont help with our fires? he wanted to get money back by ending afghanistan, so he could have a legacy legislation like barrack? afghans are being tortured for this stupid shithead, and i voted for him? better than trump, but trump not going away. we are one or 2 deaths away, by biden or breyer or any dem senator, from putting the maniacal horse-pill eating repugs back in power. jesus. but really–my heart. i’ve abused it terribly for a long time. the nightmare where my texas uncle says a simple menacing ‘hey’ that wakes me up fearing i am about to die–is my heart telling me to get a grip, or just those old childhood feelings?, i don’t know. i went to the doctor and i didn’t expect him to be kind when i told him why i think about death all the time. i told him about my murderous uncle and also my mom dying when i was a baby, and he acknowledged that that was a lot. said to me with feeling and kindness. it’s not like i haven’t heard this in primal. it was just unexpected. i didn’t even remember to tell him about my murdered best friend, or of all the old folks in my family who have already gone into the black years ago. or the slew of pets that i’ve ever had that have died…a lot of them in the last few years.
ok that’s enough, i feel a little better.
Believe me, Otto, when I say I am forced to think about death more than I’d care to.
I’m finished needing to have someone listen to my anger and despair about a crushingly ruthless world. Thank you for your attention; I am pacified once more, for now.
The day my dad’s aunt (bless her sweet soul) bought me a nearly new car right before I went to college, this predator came rushing down to carefully examine the car to see how expensive it might have been, so he could gather signs about how much money we may have.
too little too late? no time to explain. day 3. we shall see. hopefully not burt lancaster/geronimo being taken away to prison by the cavalry, as the non-indian actress portraying his indian wife looks around and notices that corn is growing, supposedly secretly planted by geronimo after much cajoling by the wife (to save him from prison). at least that is how i remember that flick. too little, too late. we shall see. maybe just a small star burning out finally. cant write clearly, have to work drudgery now 8.5 hours, and frigging cat cant crap again.
Otto, it seems that both you and I have the most need to post lately. I wanted you to know I am not actively trying to steal attention away from you in doing so. A long time ago I told Jo I would prefer a message board format where each person had their own thread if s/he needed to talk, so that those who wanted to ignore that person could keep him or her out of mind. I would have zero problems with this setup, and in fact would PREFER those who don’t want to pay any attention to me to not do so, anyway. Those people would become more annoyed with me for all the wrong reasons.
I’m not trying to be an adult child trying to grab attention away from others, it’s just unfortunate Word Press doesn’t segregate comments, that’s all.
I may have to post more soon, I don’t know yet.
Before I go for the moment, here is an excellent primer by Kate Skurat on how to recognize predatory relationships. I was really impressed with her 2-3 page essay because it’s compact, to the point, and JAMMED with good info on what to look for. Many, if not most, of the sentences she wrote just LEAPED out at me when I think of all the things I’ve had to deal with regarding the predator neighbor over the course of many years’ time. Very well done:
https://calmerry.com/blog/relationships/know-how-to-recognize-predatory-behavior-in-a-relationship/#How_to_Identify_You_Have_a_Relationship_with_a_Predator?first_registration_source=https%3A%2F%2Fcalmerry.com%2Fblog%2Frelationships%2Fknow-how-to-recognize-predatory-behavior-in-a-relationship%2F&first_registration_source=https%3A%2F%2Fcalmerry.com%2Fblog%2Frelationships%2Fknow-how-to-recognize-predatory-behavior-in-a-relationship%2F
(Hope the link works, the long URL is a bit weird)
Guru, i don’t understand the mechanics of this blog. if you post, that means i can’t post? i don’t want attention, or at least that is what my childhood and now-adulthood-pain tell me. i write maybe because i don’t really talk to anyone but my wife, and she is often not willing to hear my pain. i did write lots of letters to relatives, (i don’t remember if any of them responded much), the year when i was in military school, 6th grade. should have been learning about girls at that critical juncture, but i was shining shoes and being yelled at. maybe they encouraged writing letters there,, maybe i had written stupid little scripts in 5th grade with my wonderful kind creative inspiring teacher, who was replaced with an ugly-spirited old housemother. i don’t want to be noticed because early on, that the squabs in my mean uncle’s pigeon pen would all freeze, motionless so the would not be noticed and have their heads twisted off. and monkey see, monkey do. no nightmares of being murdered last night, since i got my bp and sugar down a little.
Otto, I’m not saying either of us posting prevents the other from posting. I meant that several people posting on the same page can be distracting and even possibly drown out others who post less. Segregated threads for each individual solves that problem so the reader can focus solely on one person at a time.
Think of it as a group vs. private one-on-one therapist experiences. In group there are a lot of others providing potential distractions to pry one’s attention away while one-on-one is a perfect attentional focus.
This is not really a complaint on my part, but rather I wanted to make it clear that my copious postings on a common page shared with others is not necessarily an infantile cry for attention (at least not always, only sometimes maybe).
Sometimes I am overwhemed by your words, but I never avoid you. I have never had the courage to say some things you express. You’re the one who knows best theprocess that works for you. Channeling ol’ pal Jack there, a bit. More and more I say less because I believe I clearly must have nothing of value to say.
David, I feel badly that you don’t believe you have anything of value to say. I certainly didn’t want to leave you feeling this way. Don’t hesitate to post as much as you want, especially given your urgent health condition. The only unfortunate thing here is that input from many contributors creates a chaotic mess on a common Word Press page (as per my forum thread discussion yesterday).
It’s entirely up to you whether you want to read what I say. I think there’s a problematic misconception that we should read or listen to absolutely everything out there or else we will miss out on childhood feelings. Would it make sense for a doctor to study a high-level economics course if it served no current useful purpose for the doctor? The doctor might miss out on annoying or irritating or overwhelming feelings by not reading the economic treatise, but so what? *shrug*
You didn’t make me feel that way. I admire your courage to share often very raw feelings.
David, , my cat has not pooped in 4 days. you mentioned some homeopathics, but i dont know how much to give the cat. i cant pill a cat too good. do i crush and mix in water and squirt it in her mouth? and i think i read that one of them was a deadly poison, aconite or one of the others.
ik got aconite, gelsemium sempervirens aconitum napellus natrum muriaticum
Hi, Otto. Sorry your cat is in distress. You could ask your vet if it is okay to give your kitty a pet enema. They sell them on amazon. When my cat doesn’t go for 2 days I give him one. I keep him on lactulose (a milk sugar liquid) by Rx. You can also go to the facebook group, “Cats with paralysis and mobility challenges.” They have files about the procedure for giving ivory bar soap with warm water enemas. You can buy small tubing on amazon. The tubing is for feeding problems but can be used as enema also. Be sure to ask the vet if it is okay at this stage to do the enema. I will give the links of products below in a reply.
(Sorry for the TMI for non-cat-aficionados.)
S
Lifeline pet supplies 8 Fr Red tube feeding kit. I’m sure there are others. Your vet, possibly has a kit of some kind for the purpose. Feel free to ask me any questions, or how to use the products.
Now I know what Guru meant about a separate thread. I feel like I need to give a trigger warning: not for the squeamish
S
(3 pack) Pet-Ema Disposable single use enema for dogs and cats 12ml/250mg each (pack of 3). Again, make sure to ask your vet first if it’s appropriate for your cat.
Hello, Otto; the argument the detractors use against homeopathy is there is no evidence, by chemical analysis, of any of the substance after which the remedy is named. There are thousands of remedies. We believe that the vibrational signature of raw substances get transfered to the extracting medium by the preparation processs.
Stephen Hawking said homeopathy is explained by Physics, particuary nano physics, not Chemistry. So no worries about poisoning.
Most remedy bottles have pillule dispensers built in. I prefer Hyland brand remedies for animals, elders, and children, they are instant dissolve under the tongue or in NON TREATED water. Water treatment chemicals neutralize the action of remedies much like how they impair our gut function.
Remedies are given an hour or more before or after food.
Use ony sterile plastic or wood spoons. Dispense 3 tabs onto a spoon or directly from the container into a water sterilized glass with a Tbl boiled and cooled water; allow to dissolve. I use a needless hypodermic syringe to suck up the water and squirt it preferably under the tongue of the animal, or on the tongue. Repeat every hour for up to 8 hours, then twice daily until things normalize.The blank tabs are made from milk sugar, slightly sweet, so drinking animals will lap it up. Further drink or food should be withheld for an hour.
My cats and dogs got a tsp grated fresh garlic and carrot mix and a TBL oil mix, cod liver or safflower for cats, cod and olive for dogs, first food each morning and a TBL of liver. That seemed to keep them regular.
How old is your cat, sex, eye colour, obessive habits ?
Interestingly, I found that remedies for young children applied/worked best with kittens and young cats while human elder remedies worked best with elder animals. The effectiveness with non humans is what convinced me unequivocally in the validity of Homeopathy.
I Face it, it all sounds very witchy whooy.
My email is erl_t83@yahoo.com
I’ll research the latest info and get back to you.
David
david, duh i guess i did not bother to read the instructions you posted in may. still worried about the one that is a deadly poison.
david, i emailed you. but 1 tablespoon of oil daily? 14 ml? wouldn’t that give them pancreatitis?
Sorry Otto, that was among my 3 cats, not each…. I goofed. It is important to choose an animal specific oil. Long ago I took a course offerred by Professor Dr Richard Pitcairn, DVD, PHD. One of the texts was, ” Natural Pet Care.” He has massive clinical care experience. IMHO opinion that book is worth owning. I did not receive your email.
Thanks Sylvia, i knew i should have gotten petems a long time ago. i am not horribly squeamish but clumsy and dont want puncture colon. mucho dinero spent on 4 visits to vets for enemas last may. she has been fine since then, actually it is an everydayconcern already on lactulose but i get tired and sometimes do not give. cisapride maybe i get a refill because maybe it got diluted.
Good luck, Otto. The size of the tip of the pet-ema looks daunting. I have even used a small syringe (6 cc.) and filled with soapy ivory bar lathered water and used the very small tubing my mom had for oxygen delivery. You can mark tubing at 2 inches so you know the depth to deliver the soapy water. It can be done once every hour for 3 times. The FB group says up to 6 times and then an oral laxative can even be used after, though I never had to do the laxative. I know it is hard to give the lactulose when they don’t like the taste, but I mix a little can milk or can food liquid with it and use a 6 cc needleless syringe. I cut out his dry food altogether. He only gets canned pate cat food. His colon and bladder have no nerves as a result of an accident but he otherwise plays and runs around like always. I have mixed can pumpkin in his food for fiber, too, but he got tired of that. Wish you and kitty well, Otto. =^.^=
S
Phil,
I heard about the floodings in new York and New Jersey.
are you and your loved ones ok?
m
Margaret,
We’re fine here. Luckily we’re far from the coastal areas which got hit worst. The pump in our basement is working very hard, and I hope it can keep on doing that. It was a whole lot of rain, but not that much wind around here. I still went to work today and didn’t notice any trees down, and the power stayed on.. Still waiting to hear from my son in NYC, but that usually means he’s fine.
Thanks for asking.
Phil
cat at hospital overnite. 2 enemas. last nite they said first enema produced nothing. cant call them till 10:30 for update. i would do enemas, but the ones in april didnt produce anything either, they had to pry the crap out. i am scared, am i going to have to put another animal to sleep? the cat that always hisses at her is howling for her, where is she?. this is why i told barb–no more cats. i always bear the brunt of their losses. sophie’s death probably put a clamp on my feelings, i am thinking, which is why i didnt even bother trying to feel anything in group after that. yes i was lax by giving suki dry food and missing her meds. this is who i am, careless. $ and sorrow later and i will still not learn.
i need to get a primal room constructed so i can yell. cat pooped at vet. vet said give her increased doses of miralax until she poops at least every other day. no maximum of miralax, just give as much as needed, until or unless diarrhea. sure. so i need to get a primal room constructed to yell in. but money to do that went where ….wait, it cost me thousands to have the last vet tell me to just give as much miralax as it takes? hmmmmm. and he really wouldnt discuss me giving enemas. so no dry food, subq every other day, and i am going to find someone who doesnt have shakey hands like i do, to give her enemas as needed. i am not optimistic, let me make that clear. today she comes home. 2 days from now with no poop, do i put her to sleep. wtf
Otto, thanks for letting us know about the cat. I have times of no optimism also. My cat deals with bladder problems besides and it’s worrisome too. I have thought about the euthanasia route also. I did have him on Miralax beings that was the easiest way to go, but it does eventually upset the electrolyte balance so I had to just go with the lactulose after the first month.
Maybe your wife can help with the enema or give the lactulose so it’s not all up to you. Decisions, decisions. I only need to go the enema route when I forget to give his lactulose. I know you have lots of cats and there is only just so much time for pets. I took on the kittens that were born in my neighbor’s yard when he said he was not going to do anything about them. They are the 2nd litter from that mother I’ve raised and they are now 3 months old. I need to get her fixed, but she is wild so will need to trap her.
Well, good luck, Otto. I guess every cat owner of a mega-colon cat has to make hard decisions eventually. Take care.
S
Vacuous as life may be, it does throw at us bits and pieces of wonder in the form of brilliance, beauty, and folly. Yesterday, for example, I learned how in the 1980’s the Swedish army went bananas over their sophisticated sensors registering signs of Soviet submarines off the Swedish shores without their navy ever actually physically finding them. It took them 15 years to summon some marine scientists and to then find out that those “typical submarine sounds” were actually herring fish farting.
Life’s vacuousness is even represented at the subatomic level. If a single atom is represented by a football stadium, the nucleus would be a single grain of rice in the middle of the 50-yard line.
david–vacuouness–good word. i look at later. also atom vs ant vs person vs star vs lite year vs eternity. and yet we exist, wtf is that about. i look about book too. thaznks
sylvia, what you mean electrolyte issue with miralax?
this vet said give it till cat poop-s
miralax doesn’t have electrolyte replacement like the prop-glycol purge has thus the risk of fluid-electrolyte imbalance. Diet deficient in Magnesium can cause constpation. I’ll leave it to your vet. I’d lean towards one who practices holistic veterinary medicine rather than just pharmaceutical medicine.
Hi, Otto. My vet said that Miralax causes imbalance in one of the minerals, maybe it was potassium but I’m not sure. After a month of having him on it he became very lethargic and I thought he might not have much time left but he snapped out of it when I stopped the miralax. It was okay for short term like maybe 2 or 3 weeks for him but I only use it once in a while now and it does not necessarily work the next day, may take a couple of days.
That group I referred to “Cats with paralysis and mobility challengies,” also warns about long-term use of Miralax. I think it would be okay for the problems your kitty is having now but I would not keep her on it past the 3 week mark. I gave my cat up to a teaspoon of it in his food.
Also there are videos on you tube showing how to “express” your kitty daily, if that works for you. My cat would not allow it and seemed to have pain when I attempted that procedure. He is not a cooperative cat. He will not wear a diaper, either for his bladder problems.
But, yes, just be careful to not keep kitty on Miralax longterm, would be my advice. If you do, though, maybe get a bloodwork panel every month for electrolyte values.
It sounded like my vet was on Miralax on my 2nd sentence–did not mean that; however he could have been but I wouldn’t know about that–ha, ha.
and so what is a good brand of cod liver oil? every review i see says there is something wrong with this one, then that one.
https://www.greenpasture.org/
They have in liquid oil or capsules. I’ve used it in the past in my diet and kept in the fridge.
Is for you or kitty?
S
May the Jewish New Year bring you many joyful events to complain about
Daniel, I did some serious thinking and conferring with a friend over some of what you’ve talked to me about here on the blog and….you should know there have been times where I wouldn’t mind telling you more, but in a more confidential setting.
Also, unless I fully explain absolutely everything and hold nothing back (which, frankly, would be ridiculously salacious for this blog in general), I’m going to take the next best step and try to clear up something else at least to a limited extent. I once said on the blog I had a strange sex-related matter which afflicted only 1 out of 5 million people. I never should have said this, for it can lead to a lot of serious misunderstandings just as it did when I was in my 20’s and first came across Janov’s writings. Anyway, I was referring to an innate physical characteristic I was born with that was poorly understood at the time and not some strangely exotic behavioral characteristic.
That’s all I can really say here, except that it led to some tragic misunderstandings I was not able to clear up for a long time after starting to read Primal material.
Guru, Thanks for your candor. I was sorry to hear you have some condition which you feel, so I gather, makes relationships-seeking all that more difficult. If you’d like you can grab my email from Gretchen and write me privately. However, are you sure love relations cannot be discussed without the full knowledge of your condition?
Daniel, no you don’t quite understand quite what I mean yet, uhh…and there were other larger factors such as depression and economic/logistical/vocational dislocation via my mom, etc.
One compelling reason I posted what I did to you yesterday had to do with your Harvard BDSM post, remember that?
It was not too long after I alluded to the sex-related item, and it led me to wondering if you may have misinterpreted my original posting….checking to see if I had some wildly aberrant behavior affecting a tiny number of people. BDSM (or whatever it is) means nothing to me, no interest.
Anyway, OK I will try to talk to Gretchen about emails. Or maybe she’ll see this and want to send it anyway, not sure.
I think the true overriding moral of the story is how people can be led to dangerously erroneous conclusions & what a minefield that can be.
–I had an actual psychological test (considered highly valid by professionals) telling me I had organic brain damage. Both Daniel and Gretchen have said I should discount that result
–Reading Janov’s writings early on also led me to believe I must be psychotic as well, when it turned out I was dealing with an entirely different set of problems which were more factual, concrete, and reality-based.
If you have an authority figure telling you how flawed you are, who are you to believe otherwise if no one else is around to refute that?
Guru, I fully understand your point that your sex-related condition is real and factual and physiology rather than psychology based. I also understand that you feel that psychological approaches, and Janov’s writings in particular, has led you to believe something is psychologically wrong with you, perhaps somehow discounting your physical/biological condition. Most importantly, though, and correct me if I’m wrong, you feel that those approaches rather than free you actually further locked you in. As you can see, even without divulging your condition there are psychological issued that can be fruitfully discussed, such as being “led to dangerously erroneous conclusions”, being disappointed or indignant or angry at or feeling betrayed by Janov or by other authorities, or the feeling that such a condition as you have may hamper your attempts to find companionship, romance and the erotic. In my opinion there is much that can be said about each of these subjects, and I believe these do not pertain to you alone but in one way or another to all people.
Daniel, I very much appreciate your exceptionally sensitive posting, and you are absolutely on the correct track in everything you’re saying even though you don’t know the explicit details.
It would be wrong to blame Janov for everything, as I was dealing with a serious information vacuum which I had no idea how to navigate correctly (perhaps partially due to mother’s absence and partially to a prudish sex-shaming society overall).
Fortunately at this time everything is thoroughly understood and it goes back to the old adage, “I wish I knew when I was young what I know now.”
I’m still currently struggling to decide whether to mail you more details, I don’t know yet.
Daniel,
happy new year to you !
M
Thanks Margaret. In the meantime in honour of the new Jewish year I managed to break my left foot working in the back yard. I’m in a cast and use crutches. I’m angry at myself for my carelessness, feeling it could have been avoided.
On the plus side, I’m relieved of walking the dog, preparing meals, and in general not much is expected of me.
I have a sense there will be a price to pay beyond the physical injury.
Aw, that’s awful, Daniel! Luckily, your injury should hopefully be much better in 6 weeks or so. I also am upset when I’ve managed to hurt myself by not being careful enough. My worst was 9 years ago, when I completely tore the meniscus in my right knee, taking a bad step on a stair — with a huge effect on my life, I am still trying to recover from, every day.
Thanks Vicki. I hope you that too will eventually fully heal.
I like this video countering the “freedom-loving” Anti-Vaxxers. First clip shows a guy making his point at a gov’t meeting, about doing whatever he wants in public, taking off successive items of his clothing, until someone in charge asks him to put his pants back on (while the audience has been laughing and whooping) — his point being that we obey certain rules in society, and yet some people feel it’s taking their freedom away.
After that, another guy has much excellent to say about it all. How the Anti-vaxxers who complain about their freedoms being taken away, still somehow manage to wear clothes in public, stop at red-lights while driving and avoid setting buildings on fire, without whining about how their liberty is being restricted, by not allowing them to spread a disease that has already killed over 630, 000 in the U.S., more than those killed in WWI, WWII, Korea, and Vietnam, combined. And yet these self-described “patriots” can’t wear a piece of cloth over their faces, “because that minor inconvenience is just too much to bear”. I love it. I also think a lot of this stems from people admiring trump thumbing his nose at the whole world, and imagining they are doing the same.
I was late to the party, but I did finally get my second Moderna shot last Friday. About 24-36 hours of fatigue was the primary side effect for me. It’s been said Moderna holds its strength longer than Pfizer because each Moderna shot has 100 mcg of vaccine as opposed to Pfizer’s 30 mcg.
“I am strong, my immune system is strong and can handle anything you throw at it. I am a strong, exceptional American. A ruggedly individualistic badass just like the Brawny paper towel guy.”
And…that’s part of the reason vaccination rates are so low in deep red, rural states.
no gub’mint for me!
Congrats, guru! I didn’t like the side-effects either, but statistically, know I’m less likely to die of it now. Nothing is guaranteed.
My main worry about vaccines was how quickly they were developed. It felt as though a rushed process was bound to be flawed. Lots of research finally led me to Moderna.
I also partially fell sway to the “rugged all-American badass” theme a little bit.
All the vaccine is doing is teaching my immune system about a new invader (spike protein) it has never seen before. It doesn’t matter how strong and ‘Brawny’ one’s immune system is if it’s not knowledgeable to who the exact enemy should be.
Having said this, it’s still a semi-fascinating mystery why some unvaccinated will continue to be asymptomatic even to Delta variant.
Here’s a good example of the iconic & ruggedly individualistic Brawny Man symbolically romanticizing the rural, red (Republican) state ethos of cutting costs and shrinking government instead of restoring defunct tax rates on the wealthiest for more revenue:
And before anyone asks, “What the fuck does a paper towel have to do with the government?” do note I used the phrase ‘symbolically romanticizing’ a scarcity ethos commonly used on the far right to shrink government as much as possible. Thank you.
They only shrink gov’t services by privatising/hand off service control to wealthy corporate donors, not the cost of gov’t.
David that’s a very good point about corruption which can’t be disputed. I suppose I was only referring to Republicans screaming for spending cuts, at least verbally when Democrats control governorships or presidencies. You often hear the catchphrase ‘save taxpayer dollars’. Republicans are always pining to cut food stamp budgets, etc.
Exactly, Guru. Cannot have the disadvantaged cutting into the spoils of the affluent. I was flummoxed to discover how badly neglected basic infrastructure is in the, ” Red,” states, dispite, often, how many billions have been contributed by the fed.
I have a cousin living in San Antonio,Texas, now a Trumper, who has joined the invisible man in the sky club, and believes COVID is a sham. While a freedom fighter, she does not extend that freedom to woman’s reproductive choice, considers abortion homicide, and a non refundable ticket to their hell…
Astonishingly as it may sound, some of those states even refused to get badly needed aid from the Government just because it was Gov’t money, and Obama’s money at that. The prime function of any leader is to guard the safely and wellbeing of his or her citizens. But I guess in the US, never a normal country, other considerations prevail.
https://www.al.com/wire/2014/01/governor_bentley_offers_unapol.html
this dick is going to be the end of the world if he wins. “Elder’s visit to Venice began auspiciously enough, with a handful of Gold’s Gym patrons gathering outside the black-and-red campaign bus to cheer the candidate as he stepped off.”
If he has support of venice people, we are screwed. the homeless people knew he was a threat though. “Larry Elder cuts short Venice homeless encampment tour after hostile confrontation”. dems need to put them on a bus to follow this pud around and throw more tomatoes at him.
I second that, Otto. We need Newsom to stay in office.
BTW, I forgot to mention about the cod liver oil that it can cause thinning of the blood. I was taking it daily for some weeks a few yrs. ago and had bleeding problems then, so be careful if you take it on a regular basis. Take care.
S
Otto, 20 plus years ago I used to hang out at the Venice boardwalk all the time and lived right there for a short period. Back then there weren’t many homeless encampments. A few, to be sure, from what I saw everyday….but it has been so long since I’ve been there I don’t know how much the population has grown since then.
Sylvia, the way i get to things (procrastinator), i wont need cod liver oil, just a diaper. anyway, exercise 30 on gazelle before it gets too hot to breathe. actually, air is so bad these days in l.a., at least the valley, we try not top breathe. no memories today while getting the deep breaths on gazelle, but letting my body decide which stretches, shaking, and what notg leaves me with one simple conclusion…i am twisted, very twisted. cat had diarrhea yesterday, which i count as a win since i hadnt seen poop for a day or so. we have a vet who we text, she is holistic, she did acupuncture a long time ago on otto the dachshund, just one time, and he felt better, but even her giving us a discount because lack of money back the, it was costly. she quit working at clinic a long time ago, so we are texting about suki, so we are ok as of this minute. we will give more subq hydration today. now i turn in my chair and do my boring f’ing job and 9 hours later 2 days of freedom, somewhat.
Otto, that sounds like things are looking up for the kitty. I’ve never done subq hydration–you are brave. That is great you can have communication with a holistic vet. We have smoke here, too. It has become a common thing now in northern CA during summer and fall. I wear mask outside. There is a healthy-looking opossum eating the cat’s food here at nite. Have a relaxing weekend, Otto. We thank you for the kitty update.
S
How many Americans died in the war on terror since 9/11? If your guess was around 7,000 you are about right, but only partially. The true number may be more than five fold. According to this study, more than 30,000 US service members and veterans of the Post-9/11 wars took their own lives.
Makes you wonder.
From what I understand, US forces had bin Laden encircled (albeit at a wide distance) as early as 2002. It seems that the Taliban even offered to hand over bin Laden the following year. Following through on this and going home would have been acceptable in my view.
We refused both opportunities and went to war in Iraq along with staying in Afghanistan another 17 years. Beyond 2003 it became nothing more than an unfathomable bonanza for well-connected military contractors.
can’t sleep. 1 in the morning and i can’t get back to sleep. Too many thoughts and I’ve no one to tell them to at 1 in the morning. I don’t know where to begin and how to say these thoughts and there’s never been anyone to say thoughts to anyways. Maybe sometimes in therapy. Frigging cats want to eat at frigging 1 in the morning.
We went to Torrance yesterday to visit with my youngest son alex and his 2 kids at a park. Park with a big rocket-ship climbing structure. Barb likes to see the 3 of them, but of course, I am not a people-person and so I could have taken this visit or left it. In fact, I was slightly annoyed at having to go down there because my weekends seem short and the workweek drags on like torture and I feel like I get nothing. Every weekend, I have a malformed desire to go to the beach and swim in the ocean like I did when I was young. But the one time we went to the beach this year, on our anniversary, barb wanted to go to this expensive beach where the water was so rough I could get my old legs to even stand up even at the water’s edge. Summer’s almost gone, a hellishly hot summer in the valley that we ended up at in the final days of our lives.
Summer’s almost gone and no swimming at the beach. Last year, first year of covid, of course not. Scared out of our wits to even go outside. My moronic, pitiful life of loss. If I had ever gotten these few sentences out of my mouth in group, it would be time for some group member to interrupt me because everyone comes to group usually bursting at the seams wanting to talk. At least that is my experience. “hold on , I’se tellin’ me story” I could yell at an interrupter, but I never did. That was a line from a movie script I wrote as a teenager, about and old man in a rowboat with a black slave. Wrote and almost filmed…can’t remember and doesn’t mean shit anymore. That dream went down the toilet.
The thing about going to visit people on the weekend… when I was a kid, my grandmother would first drag us to church and then later we would go visit old people. Old people or dead people at the cemetery, like my mother…and the father I never met. I could hear sounds of basketballs bouncing in some kid’s yard just outside the tall shrubs of the cemetery. Some kid having fun on the weekend. On a Sunday. Usually, Sunday dinner was the only pleasure I got, or maybe one of my aunt and uncle had a dog to play with. Anyway, I digress. So we met my son and his beautiful young children at the park, a really really cool breeze flowing in from the beach. I hadn’t felt such a breeze in a long while. I didn’t know if it came over the top of the rolling hills of palos verdes or from the sides where there were beaches. Luxury, seeing as how we had left our home in long beach when our sons were really young. Greener pastures, we thought. Ha.
Anyway, I have no close relationship with my son’s kids. His wife never liked us, thought we were monsters for the abysmal way we raised him (we were monsters but that’s water under the bridge, can’t go back and do it over). So we have not seen the grandkids much in their short lives, lives where their bodies grow and grow like weeds every minute hour day and week. Barb likes people and loves those kids and had a good time with them. So I ended up talking to my son, or mostly listening to him. I had no idea why he would want to carve out a piece of his exhausting life to let us visit with him and the kids, maybe he and I had a tighter bond than I had had with his brother, when they were young. First he was talking for a long time about transistors which he had been learning about. Then he said he was depressed and I asked him why. He called his wife a cunt for breaking up their marriage. He told me her childhood story again, how her father was a drunk, and her mother divorced him, and then her mother took up with another man and dropped his future wife and her sister off with her drunken father every weekend. I don’t know why but it brought tears to my eyes, and I told my son that. I think he cares for her a lot still. Anyway, maybe I can sleep now. There is not enough pain-killer on the face of the planet for me to deal with my life of loss. What frigging ever. Only 2 or 3 more months until it gets cold in the valley. Somewhat like the south of spain. 3 meses de invierno, nueve meses de infierno.
I wonder what happened to Renee and Crystal. It’s as though they completely vanished off the face of the Earth! Don’t they like us here at the blog anymore? That would certainly make me feel bad. Has anyone filed a missing persons report?
Yeah, yeah my life is mediocre & boring. Guess I’d better run out there to work my tail off and make sure America has 17,416 strip malls instead of 17,415 so momma will be proud of me, huh?
Oh! It seems as though I was badly mistaken. Googling “How many strip malls are there in the US” tells me there are 68,730 American strip malls as of 2016.
So if I go out there and bust my balls to help build American strip mall number 68,731, what dosage of opioids will I need to counter my body being ravaged by the aches and pains of such soul-obliterating manual labor after I come home each night?
We had a moderate 4.3 earthquake at 7:58 pm, centered in Carson, between L.A. and Long Beach. I was sitting in my armchair. Online, I reported I felt: Jerky lateral movement, then shaking & vibrating in a couple of directions, slight rolling, slight pause, more shaking, more rolling, pause, slight shaking before it ended. Seemed like 10 sec. or so. This exact memory replay is not perfect, but pretty close. About 3/4 along the way, a couple of light items fell off shelves. Because there was variable shaking, movement & rolling, for longer than I usually expect, I was more frightened than usual, that it might continue or get worse, as I gripped my armchair — and relieved when it didn’t. I think I am about 10 miles from the epicenter, so I am going to ask my friends in Long Beach how they felt it, as they are much closer.
I was hoping some lost blog contributors would make a refreshing re-appearance to stimulate my mind and to feel excited again. I meditated and prayed for this, the Earth answered my prayers shaking Vicki with a wake-up call to stop by. Thank you Vicki.
Oh, not to worry I was kidding. I’m not that far gone.
Ha, Guru! A younger friend who lives halfway closer to the epicenter than I do, wrote me that it was the “biggest one I’ve felt in awhile (in Lawndale)! My heart definitely started beating faster and I grabbed my dog 💛 there was a big “boom” before the shaking started”.
Another friend much farther away wrote me, “I felt it mildly in Camarillo. No damage, nothing fell, just (as always) a few seconds of not knowing whether this is the beginning of something cataclysmic.”.
And my friends at Baby’s old home in Long Beach, said it was “a pretty good one here too!! Nothing fell off the shelves or anything but I HATE earthquakes. They always scare the shipt out of me. Mona didn’t really mind it but it scared Maggie.” Mona is their old dog, and Maggie is their newer dog, who I have not met yet.
I remember twenty or more years ago when I first talked with dad about going out to Vivian’s place, dad would say, “Why would you want to go out to California for? The whole place will eventually fall into the ocean!”
Perhaps dad was a simple, unwitting victim of a news media being compelling theatrical drama junkies in order to keep more eyeballs peeled to the television screen for advertising revenues. I don’t know for sure.
I’m considering hanging wooden placards on my front and rear torso areas with straps over my shoulders, much as was seen during the Depression era saying, “Will work for food. Brother, can you spare a dime?’
Only in my case, the writing would read, “Can you spare a hug, some verbal love, and some appreciation for me? My oxytocin levels are massively depleted on a continuous basis since I only have second cousins for family and no quality colleagues to commiserate with.”
It’s just a completely dry, wretched, loveless, and barren wasteland now.
Not only the chemical issues of not being loved, but also…
–The absurdly isolating & social fabric-tearing aftereffects of 130 words of news coverage regarding the ancient loss of my mother vs. 8+ octillion words worldwide (8,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 words) uttered about 9/11, with possibly another 400 septillion words (400,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 words) recently uttered worldwide added to the cumulative pile with the recent 20th anniversary. There is no stronger message here for me that my closest relative in the world had no more meaning than an ordinary cockroach being squished.
–A predator surrounding me, always trying to think of new and clever ways to extract me from my home so he can make his father proud since that is what his father always wanted.
–MMPI tests telling me how brain damaged I am
–Janov telling me how neurotic I am
–I’m all dried out at this point.
I hesitate to add my blurb of negative thoughts to this blog today, but what the heck. No one has to read it. You see my moniker and just skip on by. It finally cooled down a lot in the valley, pleasant enough to sit in my green overgrown backyard and listen to the heavy hum of autos filled with happy people freewaying to their happy places. I am so depressed it sucks but I figured out it is happening because I didn’t have a good cup of coffee this morn. Taco bell coffee does not beat back my doldrums so well. Or is it summer is almost gone. I have been to the beach only once this year and that was not good. Giant palm trees bursting upwards and I have no mojo to cut their fronds before they are totally out of control. Cat does poop if I give her enough miralax but the vet costs to get to that point still haunt me. Memories continue to pop up about pets I have had and their tragic ends because of my carelessness and ignorance and depression. Ok whatever f this shit. I am old and whoever tells you growing old is golden is full of it.
I’m glad the earthquake wasn’t the big one.
Phil
a boy called sailboat–that kicked my depression away. something missing from my life. joy amazement i dont know what the f it is
I think it’s reasonable to say that we humans are creatures of habits, patterns, and routines. We need to have some form of routine order to our lives to help with overall stability. Neither of the two previous sentences are overly controversial, I hope?
I’ve mentioned in the fairly recent past how I am struggling with circuitous thought patterns, or looping thoughts, and I wanted to carefully and non-invasively approach the issue since these thoughts emanate from my most delicately malleable organ of all, my brain.
The best insight I’ve come up with so far is simply the basic human need for routine and order (as stated above) running awry as a coping mechanism, morphing into obsessive or looping thought patterns. Gretchen told me these tightly circuitous thoughts are likely serving a purpose, perhaps a bit below my conscious understanding. Maybe I don’t WANT to understand what purpose it serves because taking it away would hurt an angry, petulant child…I don’t know.
I do see a lot of my thoughts, however valid in the absolute, are a useless albatross for my needs today.
Simple stuff, nothing spectacular.
Since the word “invasive” came up, how invasive do you feel those thoughts are for you? I mean, they emanate from your “most delicately malleable organ of all”, but do they also disturb that delicate organ?
Also, and without meaning to be invasive myself, do you mind sharing some of the contents of those circuitous thoughts?
Daniel, I meant exploring myself without hurting myself. As you may know, Janov and other therapists have said self-therapy can be potentially dangerous. Something akin to repeating to oneself, “I have brain damage” 5,000 times and the poor malleable brain finally gives way. granting actual physical truth to the affirmation.
Some of the thoughts have to do with anger from the predator and the news coverage problem for individual traumatic events. Also I was only speaking in generalities for myself, trying to remind myself to keep an eye on what I am doing every day.
Well…
What’s your opinion of this book, Daniel? Must have been some reason you posted it?
Who wouldn’t love being called Alice Sparkly Kat? Sounds like such a cheerful and fun name.
That name might be problematic for me if I was having a major depressive episode. Who would take my feelings seriously if people said to themselves, “Oh! Alice Sparkly Kat is severely depressed”? I don’t know, just an earnest thought. Maybe names can have a deeper affectation than we realize.
“Trump” is a powerful surname, for it subconsciously carries a meanings such as ‘trump card’ (most powerful card) in bridge among other powerful definitions of the word.
Cards in a discard pile are almost meaningless, so would Trump have ascended to the presidency if he was named “Donald Discard” instead?
By just scanning the book reviews, it seems to be a book about racism and white privilege western culture influencing the evolution of astrology. It is by a Chinese author who champions the wronged indigenous people. The opposing reviews of the book read like a Daniel/Renee debate…in my opinion.
S
I went to a friend’s house because he needed help making sure his cable bill was paid. It turns out that he just ignores a computer page he sees every day for his email, never reading that I had already helped him set up an auto pay system for his bills.
I did a quick review of his bank statement to make sure his last payment went through (it did), and I couldn’t help but notice he had over $50,000 in his checking account, which is only a small portion of his overall assets..
I had to teach this person how to use email, even how to open and close browser windows, because he has substantial cognitive difficulties. Other friends privately tell me they are amazed he ever made it through college.
I think about my dad with his advanced math and physics degrees, struggling against casinos for a few hundred or a couple thousand bucks per month using extremely complex approaches to try to supplement a retirement that wasn’t very healthy for him.
Just something else that infuriates me, that’s all. Life should have treated my dad better.
And if I’m not vigilant, I’ll stew and sulk in anger about things like this for hours tonight. It’s hard for me to get over such outrageous absurdities.
This particular friend also has numerous good qualities, so please don’t think I simply wanted to ‘trash talk’ him. He is considerate, loyal, kind, affable, and a good quiet listener who can be disciplined and hard working. Well-liked by the community, etc. It’s just when I try to help him with tasks requiring minimal cognitive resources it frustrates me a great deal, and I cannot help but to soak in some of the absurdities at that point. Reading more than a sentence or filling out application forms are a significant challenge for him.
I’m also not wanting to take any financial advantage of him. Once in a great while when he asks me for a HUGE favor requiring many hours’ work he will throw a few bucks my way. I’ve done the same for him, paying for his help on occasion.
It just drives me crazy when I ponder someone both semi-illiterate and well-to-do vs dad fighting in some very complex trenches for bread crumbs to a late old age.
So yeah Daniel was right about my seeing just a bit too much of the vacuousness of materialism.
Guru and Sylvia,
I was just taken by the improbable title of the book (it feels like astrology and post-colonialism are artificially glued together), which at first sight looked to me like a particularly ridiculous epitome of US academic and popular woke obsession with CRT and postcolonial theory that verges on monomania.
While on this particular subject, I was also taken, in a positive way, by an HBO film about European racism and colonialism. It’s called Exterminate all the Brutes and what makes it exceptional is the combination of the historical and the poetic. It’s sort of a film-essay by a man called Raoul Peck whose deep, honey-coloured raspy narration adds depth to the personal layer of the film.
There is nothing tacky or sensationalist in this film, and the history is accurate (he was even a bit lenient when it came to the French occupation of his own country of origin, Haiti). Even the reconstructions work. I usually hate reconstructions, the kind they have on the History Channel, but Peck’s are artistic and eventually add to the overall feel of the film. My only historical criticism is the lack of comparison to prior periods of time, which makes one believe that before white people came indigenous populations lived in nothing but peace and harmony. But since this is not strictly an historical piece but also a poetic one, I don’t think it matters much.
The film is difficult to watch at times but I think it is really good and quite rare.
Well I’m surprised you didn’t read the book, Daniel. You certainly have the right of first impressions, though maybe there’s something surprising under the cover?
I don’t really feel the mood to watch yet another racism show; I’m all played out in that department.
I almost guarantee either my mom or maternal grandma would have bought that book out of amusement. The artwork, the author’s name being catchy, and a bit of history sprinkled within would likely have been very appealing to at least one of them.
I do not believe I actually have any power to intervene to stop gov’t. agencies from ruining my life, but after I just made this email report to 9-awa-noiseombudsman@faa.gov, by 3 am the noise had stopped, coincidentally, or not.
“From 2:25am to now 2:53 am — endless fucking helicopter noise in South Inglewood, circling around and around my neighborhood, waking me and keeping me awake — I just wanted to shoot it out of the fucking sky! How can anyone get any sleep to go to work the next morning, with that shit going on all night?????? Endless crap!!! Just maddening!! Get it out of the sky — they’re ruiining the whole neighborhood !”
Vicki, I bet it made you feel better, too, and not feel helpless about gov’t agency control, and that you could say your piece. My aunt used to say helicopters were used late at night, too where she lived in Stanton. They were looking for reported burglars or drug deals. Sounds like overkill. That’s as bad as cops causing wrecks chasing after alleged criminals, or just about, beings they are risking others’ well-being.
Thanks, Sylvia. I was also sure it was relevant that earlier, yesterday afternoon while I worked, I made some minor mistake that triggered my insane feelings. I felt I knew something I had looked up, only to not be able to find it again, shortly after. When I feel mentally jarred, and it seems crazy to me, it often just makes me nuts, I feel crazy and out-of-control, and ranting. It was bad enough I started writing down my feelings, which usually helps me move on — like when I need to work at my job. This is what I wrote (cleaned up of typos) about what I feel in the background of my days:
“It’s Stabbing, stabbing my mind, my head with an icepick.
such insane pain, I want to go berserk, pounding my head til I’m senseless —
which I don’t do, but that’s the image that comes to my mind, as my head sways from side-to-side, and I try to express words to describe what I’m feeling.
I feel it all day long, every time something erratic happens,
making me think I’m crazy, cause I can’t fill in the gaps of my memory or knowledge.
It’s tearing my brain apart. Cleaving my brain in two.”
Then spent, I finished my workday, until that hell-icopter maddened me again. I felt better enough after emailing the faa, that when I tried to sleep again, the relief brought up feelings (just pain, how awful things are), howling and crying off and on for awhile, until subsiding. But I couldn’t get back to sleep for another three hours.
Vicki, for sure it sounds like it is super upsetting for you to lose continuity in the task you are trying to do. I think it would bother anyone to misplace something that they absentmindedly lost for a few minutes. But it does sound like a complete meltdown as if your very life depended upon excellent cognition. The brain pain associated with it and the feeling of craziness, do you think that could be first line or birth? We can’t make sense of anything as babies and are confused at that stage very easily. Do you know what kind of birth you had–easy, long, etc.? The image of pounding your head could resonate with a birth feeling. It’s good that you got some relief by crying.
I imagine, though there are 2nd line and 3rd line pains there, too when you say, ‘how awful things are.’
I forget things more as time passes and I don’t like it either, but I know it is part of the aging process for me.
S
Sylvia, Yeah, I think the feeling of my brain being split or torn down the middle is very early trauma, without specifying more knowledge than I do have. Like you say, we can’t “make sense” intellectually, as babies, and would be easily overwhelmed. When I asked once, my mom and dad made comments that my birth was “easy”, and that I came out looking beautiful, that people were remarking on it in the hospital. I said but doesn’t everybody think their babies look beautiful? And they both said no, my dad laughed and said I really looked good, compared to my brother Greg (10-1/2 mos. later), who “came out looking like raw hamburger that someone had stepped in”. So I didn’t know what to think, or say, but I did know that “something happened” counter to their perceptions, and my feelings over all the years repeatedly reek of frustrated head-banging, so I continue to think that’s what happened — unless that ever changes.
I do get relief from crying, but also from the release of howling in “horror pain” that comes first — crying comes after, and not always; for me, crying feels like on a different level, not the most primitive.
These feelings aren’t new, but each time, they feel as if brand-new, with a new fingerprint, I think from getting more detailed and going deeper, bit by bit. Yesterday, I realized that they feel like half-awake nightmare fragments and feelings. I need to write up separately what that was about last night, then I will post it. Too late tonight to do it.
Sylvia, a couple nights ago, I had a feeling that made me remember something else my mom told me — that when I was a baby, I “was always unhappy”, and she “never knew what to do with me”. So that is at odds with their saying what a beautiful baby I was at birth. She also told that when she took me to the doctor’s one time, there was a very old woman all wrinkled and ugly, and whenever I saw her face, I started crying, so my mom kept trying to turn away so I couldn’t see the woman, as she didn’t want her to feel bad. She did also say that she tried breastfeeding me at first, but “it didn’t work well”, so she quickly stopped, and didn’t even try it with my brothers. The whole thing does not sound good, and part of why I have so long felt my mom should not have had children.
Yes, Vicki, it does sound like something went awry. The wanting to head-bang thing means something, like you couldn’t get out easily through the birth canal, and splitting brain feeling may be something about oxygen loss. Something made you cross or unhappy and birth can be a trauma so you probably were suffering from it. I startled easily, too, like you did with the unexpected sight of the elderly wrinkled lady, though mine was from sudden noises. My mom said I screamed a lot, unlike my older brothers who were calmer in their infancy and toddler times.
I was reading the funnies two nights ago, and caught off-guard by one, was triggered into fear. I started saying, “I don’t want it. Get that dick away from me!” And it was some vision of a dick. And my head started turning right. But then it felt like a spoon being shoved in my mouth. And the feelings went from there.
Something being forced on me, shoving it in my mouth. Sensation on my tongue and behind my teeth, as my head tries to turn to the right, away from it. And I keep howling in pain and fright. Swallowing against the sensation, like I can’t do anything else. I’m kind of half-in an awake nightmare.
All triggered by that hidden reference to the dick in the cartoon: He asked what’s the difference between him and a rival, and She said, “about 18 inches”, and he said he didn’t think he was that much taller… then a long pause “…………….oh”, and then she kicked up her heels in delight. And I found myself scared and looked away and didn’t want to see it anymore. And tried to avoid even thinking about it for …maybe 5 min., distracting myself with the rest of the funnies until I was done, and started cutting the ones I wanted to keep. Which made me start howling as I remembered the one that frightened me, cause I knew I had to look at it, at the memory, but still not wanting the comic to contaminate it — it being the feeling triggered. There was fear, and naivete, and shock in it, but no clarity.
I thought about my dad, my grandmother, my family and a man we used to visit when I was young, from my dad’s work, we had dinner there, and then it stopped, I asked my dad once about why we never went there again, and he had a vague answer. But thinking about any of them, doesn’t seem to connect, or make anything clearer.
After some time, the horror feeling was coming again, with, “I’m so young. I’m so young.” shaking my head, “I’m so young.” Howling.
I know a few events: My grandmother and mom forcibly gave me enemas, age three, and maybe before. As an adult, Greg told me he remembered me screaming as they dragged me into the bathroom, and hoped they wouldn’t do that to him — I barely remember that it happened, no details. My parents told me I became fat at three, when they thought I was too thin because I would not eat, they “had to force me to eat”, and after that I overate. I had to sleep with my grandmother when I was five, and she kicked me in the night while asleep, saying I had moved and kicked her and woke her. At five years old, there was also the episode I have written about before, where my parents called the cops on me and a boy in the backyard, and terrorized me, threatening jail, causing me five years of amnesia about the details. This fear was echoed at school, when some boys bullied me, threatening to turn me over to the principal, to get what they wanted, make me cry, and laugh about it. And we got hit a lot, almost every day for a two-year period, when my mom complained to my dad how awful we were — until she went to the doctor and found out she was anemic, started taking iron pills, and she stopped complaining, and we stopped getting hit. My mom would yell, call us brats that she wished she’d never had, and tell me that I was going to get beat within an inch of my life, when my father got home. More events than can be counted, really, but all contributing.
I’m not done with this, as last night I happened to pick up a scrap of paper I might have thrown out, and it was that comic that started this whole thing, as it caught me off-guard. I started howling again, so I knew I’d have to save it, for another time.
Vicki, it sounds like things are right at the surface for you–so easily triggered into a past moment. Half-in and half-out of the feeling that is an overwhelming one. Yes, save it for bit-by-bit feelings of fear and whatever is there to become conscious, for later, right?
Wow Vicki, that’s terrible stuff, are you newly connecting with it?
Phil, it is terrible, but I am not sure how to answer your question, so I will just say, “No.”
It’s been revealed that a memo prepared by Trump lawyer John Eastman laid out a detailed, six-step plan for then-Vice President Mike Pence to overturn the election results and swing the election to Trump. The memo said Pence could throw out the results in seven states, declare no winner, and throw the election to the House of Representatives, where Trump would have had a majority.
Rudy Giuliani briefed Senator Lindsey Graham on his wild claims of fraud and sent him numerous affidavits and memos while pressuring him to assist in Trump’s effort to overturn the results. Trump’s lawyers also sent memos to Senator Mike Lee outlining Mike Pence’s supposed constitutional authority to swing the results to Trump.
The New York Times reported that Trump’s own campaign staff was fully aware that the outlandish claims of fraud being made by Trump’s lawyers were completely false — and did nothing to stop their spread.
https://www.cnn.com/2021/09/22/politics/donald-trump-new-revelations/index.html?fbclid=IwAR1EhqSIdL4RtbYz9wrRegzTx7woycyjD8T_zjfnXK9qpr8vCWzlYzpBmdw
Vicki, you might have some interest in this column by Greg Olear. It details some of the background reasons why Trump has been able to escape any meaningful legal repercussions for decades on end. In short, his formula is having the swagger of a figurative mob boss while simultaneously being a confidential informant both to law enforcement and foreign emissaries on many occasions when it worked to his advantage:
https://gregolear.substack.com/p/tinker-tailor-mobster-trump
Vicki, the new norm for elections seems to be that republicans will claim fraud if they lose, based on what Trump did. They seem to be working at being able to steal elections in the future, by changing laws in multiple states making it harder to vote.
I try not to focus on this stuff, as there’s little we can do, except vote. It looks like we’re moving towards things being way more messed up than they already were.
Phil
I happen to be re-reading a book I have on the Russian revolution, it’s a fascinating story and a very well written book. Today I saw the opinion piece below. I don’t think we’re like Tsarist Russia, but our democratic system doesn’t seem very resilient. It’s based more on norms of behavior than anything else.
“Bolsheviks seized control of the Russian capital in 1917. But a dozen years earlier they staged what Vladimir Lenin would call “The Great Dress Rehearsal.” That failed 1905 revolution is what came to mind for Gen. Mark A. Milley, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, when insurrectionists overran the U.S. Capitol. An amateur historian, Milley told aides he worried that Jan. 6 was “a precursor to something worse down the road.”
Whatever you believe about whether Milley overreached in his efforts to ensure a peaceful transfer of power, you should heed the Army general’s perspective on the Trump presidency, as described in “Peril,” the new book by The Post’s Bob Woodward and Robert Costa.”
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/09/22/this-historical-reference-should-alarm-all-americans/
Reading the fourth book, I think, in the great series of Kevin Kwan’s Cracy rich Asians, ‘Rich people problems’, I had an unexpected but nice surprise.
at some point some of the characters happen to visit Antwerp, specially to meet Axel Vervoort, as he seems to be the world’s most famous antiques seller and interior decorator.
his castle in ’s-Gravenwezel is also mentioned as one of the most beautiful castles of the world, it is where he lives.
the funny part is he has been my parents landlord for decades, since he bought the castle. the house where I grew up is property of the castle, and was built in 1778 .
I remember what a kind person Axel Vervoort is, as he regularly visited my parents just for a chat , about them, about the house, about the variety of nice old things they gathered during their life.
when my dad died in 1995 he came to the funeral, which touched me.
we also got invited from the first time he did an ‘open house’ at the castle, so I have been in there that very first time, while back then it was not yet so crowded with posh visitors, but just a few people wandering around everywhere in that beautifully decorated and cosy old castle.
the nursing home my mom lives in since the last few years is very close to her old house, and to the castle.
so it was nice to read all those details in one of Kevin Kwan’s fabulously catchy books.
and there is more, two days ago we had an item on the news that an old gin factory Axel renovated into lofts by a nearby canal, which also figures in that same book, has been sold to a famous rapper, some guy Kylie something, no idea who he is, I don’t like rap music.
just some funny coincidences that make me smile.
kevin Kwan’s books are great, they show the craziness of snobism and even racism in hilarious ways, written intelligently and from an inside view about the upper classes of eAst Asia.
great reading!
can’t put it away, have to finish it and the rest has to wait.
m
Margaret, that’s very interesting about the castle. It’s hard to imagine that the house where you grew up was on its property, and what a coincidence with the book you’re reading.
Phil
Phil,
I was about 3 or 4 when we moved into that house.
back then it was on the side of a narrow old cobblestone road, still dating from the Roman invasion .
only one or two cars drove by on a day, slowly not to get damaged by the bad state of the road.
the house was more or less still in the state it must have been in 1778 , no luxury except there was gas to cook on, no indoor toilet, no heating apart from the coal stoves my dad installed in the two main rooms on the ground floor.
no bathroom either.
I remember in winter time waking up every morning at the sound of dad poking up the one stove that used a kind of coal that kept it on low fire all night, so he had to mainly shake it up, noisily, clean out the ashes and put new coal on it in the morning.
i remember sitting near it to put my cloths on and often it would suddenly give a big bang that evenmade jump up the iron weld lid on the top, when finally it got really going.
the other stove had to be lit every morning again.
still, the house was lovely, as it had so much personality and atmosphere, and back then was surrounded by nature, grass meadows , and huge trees and woods.
we lived in the largest half, the right side of the house had its own door and was someone’s summer home.
we had wooden window shutters, and thick iron bars before most windows, to keep the bandits of the 18th century out …
a water pit on the neighbor’s side, in front, an old toilet house in front of our side, you know, wood cover with a hole with a lid…
and spiders in every corner.
and a nice yard, lovely memories, climbing trees, roaming through the woods with my brother, al the more exciting as it was ‘forbidden’.
back then the castle at about half a mile still belonged to an old grumpy baronet, who chased away anyone coming too close to his liking.
but there were sandy paths and a farm where there was free access up to the water surrounding the castle itself and its closer surroundings.
when Axel Vervoort bought the propertty he tried to save and preserve the woods and greenery as much as possible, but by then a lot of the area had already been ‘developed’ and turned into expensive villa areas, and the quiet Roman cobble road was turned into a larger road, eating up part of our front yard, and now so busy I cannot cross it anymore on my own.
across our old house is still what used to be a blacksmith , also from 1778 and now used on Sundays by a hiking club, my mom used to keep it open , tending the ‘bar’, very small and casual and cozy.
just a bit further than the house is what used to be a large baking oven for bread, now a small chapel .
So, yes, all very picturesque, and deeply engrained in my heart and memories.
together wit all the cats and dogs and chickens etc that lived there with us…
M
we spent the late afternoon with my son alex and his 2 young kids.yesterday. his 35th birthday. he is going through a heart-breaking break-up. he turned me on to this song. which of course had tears come up in my eyes. not just about his situation But this is how i feel about life. George Strait – I’ve Come To Expect It From You https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DZN9OCcnQQ.
How could you do what you’ve gone and done to me
I wouldn’t treat a dog the way you treated me
But that’s what I get
I’ve come to expect it from you
A million times
A million lines
And I’ve bought ’em, every one
You don’t care
You rip and tear
Every dream I’ve counted on
I guess that I should thank my unlucky stars
That I’m alive and you’re the way you are
But that’s what I get
I’ve come to expect it from you
listened to this when our poor black cats was dying slowly. years ago, barb was in ohio.
Waylon Jennings – “Waymore’s Blues” (Live at Opryland: August 12, 1978)
not so much a sad song. i just listened to it over and over, alone with the cat and sophie the dachshund
jeez i hate to sound stupid, i just realized sun went into libra. art and music. i usuallly dont care about music anymore but this has become one of my favorite times of the year
i just realized why we walk. chimps lost access to trees but their legs still wanted to jump up into those lost trees. so they kept trying to jump up and down, which actually led to dancing first, but the the religious chimps told the dancing chimps that god didnt approve of dancing, so chimps could only thereafter walk. this is as good a crazy theory as the next one. i go watch tv now
i need about 10 hamburgers just to get through the next 10 seconds at work, and that wouldn’t actually do me a bit of good. and then i have today and 2 more days at work, work that has become increasingly tedious and boring. thanks to the heavens i have a job. maybe they shutdown the govt, then i can work for free. i guess i will get out the boca burgers because i sure don’t feel like sneaking out and driving during rush hour. but slaves had no escape, so i am better off i guess
the old, slowly-exiting cat wants dry food. the younger cat with the poop problem can’t eat it. i exercise outside and watch the moon in the dark sky with the frigging car-noise from the 405 in the distance. what the f does the moon mean to me. stuff like the moon turned into gods for our ancestors. i still cant figure out why. the shepherds sat under the stars or sun and knew after years of doing so, that whatever was happening locally could be correlated to whatever moon sun wind water movement was doing. and even the bacteria and fungus from the earliest time learned that. and nobody could do a thing about those physical entity’s. mother nature. dont f with it. i am only saying, when did chimps ascribe it to god. i am saying nothing and all i care about, is it is friday. f this shit. i hate reading drivel like this that i just wrote but something pushes me to express it
Otto,
I can relate to that. At work I look up all kinds of things on the internet because I’m bored. I found found out, for example, that there are about 13 million Hungarian speakers in the world. Hungary itself only has a population of about 10 million. I’m Hungarian on my father’s side. Maybe when I’m very bored one day, I’ll learn how to say a few things in that language. I’d like to visit there some day to see what it’s like. While I was at it I learned about Romania and Bulgaria too. Hungarian is an odd language, unrelated to most other European languages. I was also investigating about dying languages. Hungarian isn’t one of them because they have there own country, and few people speak other major languages. Gaelic, the Irish language, is dying, almost dead already, as are many native American languages. Other languages have been growing quickly such as Mandarin and English. French has a good future because of the former colonies in Africa. Spanish is spoken more and more in the US. All of this I looked into yesterday.
A few years ago I was working on my family tree with the Ancestry website. I did a lot with a two week free trial subscription. It led to meeting up with a cousin I haven’t seen in a least 50 years when I was in Seattle. I’m tempted to get a paid subscription to ancestry partly to keep me entertained at work. I’m hesitating a little on that. I’m at work to make money, not pay someone for entertainment. I could learn something new about my family history. There’s a dead end on my father’s side. Other than giving us his name, or the misspelled version of it, and that he was Hungarian, we know nothing at all about my father’s father. I could investigate some more on that, but I’m not hopeful on finding out more. I calculate I’m less than two years to retirement, if everything works out.
Phil
I was thinking about joining Zoom group tonight, but I have been sailing several hours this afternoon, in the rain and with a cold breeze, about 13 degrees Celsius, so now back home I am all rosy and pleasantly sleepy.
so no group for me, will be tucked warm in bed with the two cats by my side, have a nice group, M
phil, 2 years to retirement? &*%$#@! good luck. anyway, you are looking at stuff related to your job, if you still have the same one as when we spoke years ago at retreat. bloodlines. it keeps you sharp and curious in your actual job. in my opinion.
Otto, That’s right, I work with blood, so it’s job related. Excellent point!
Phil
margaret, such a nice picture–warm and with cats vs. cold rainy sailing. anyway, i work now. 1 guy of the 5 in my section–he is off for 3 months with new baby. good luck buddy. but stress on me, proving that an old, drug-addled corpse can keep up with the other 3 of us 4. mucho stress. stress to infinity. my exercise equip squeaks, very hard to exercise thinking that i am disturbing next-door neighbors at 5am, who don’t like me anyway . number 1 kid says to blo (‘barb loves others’, very people-person, unlike me)–he says lets go hawaii for christmas. he knows i won’t go. please drain your last savings so beautiful person of my life–mama-san, can go for 8 days. no sweat. 8 days of freedom for me. more to say about number 1’s christmastime adventure, but i am an asshole, so forget it. i work now.
On Friday I got my annual work evaluation and a miniscule increase, as usual, which had me feeling good and satisfied for about five minutes. At least I can supplement that with some overtime. Lately Sundays are bad days for me. Most likely because the weekend already feels over, and/or I’m not completely satisfied with what happened on my days off. This morning I was feeling frustrated on my way to work, and it seemed to connect to baby feeling. It probably would have been more effective if I wasn’t driving. I don’t think anyone noticed that a baby was driving.
Phil
So what represents a comfortable retirement for you, Phil? Primary residence paid off, $2.5 million in IRA, and $5K per month pension?
Guru, I think I can retire at an appropriate age and not worry about having to eat cat food in the future,
Although I do think there are some very good brands of gourmet cat food out there.
Blue Buffalo Wilderness Mature Chicken Recipe Grain-Free Canned Cat Food I see goes for $30.32 for a case of 24 cans, for example. I see it supports cognitive development in older cats, and I can’t see why people wouldn’t get the same benefits. Probably go good over some pasta.
Phil
Another choice would be Smalls human grade fresh cat food, but it might be out of our price range.
https://www.smalls.com/human-grade-fresh
Phil, be sure and speak up if you are pining for a cat tree or scratching post, as my neighbor is quite generous with the hand-me-downs when her cats tired of them. Don’t think her cat beds would be large enough, though.
S =^.^=
OK, so human eat 3 pounds of food each day, and the smalls brand food is $9 per 11.5 oz….so I figure roughly $30 per day or $900 per month.
Since the average food budget is 8 percent of income and with the Smalls diet “might” be out of your price range (in other words a borderline case), I will surmise $900/mo is slightly less than 10% of your projected retirement income.
So it looks like you have $9,000 per month coming in for retirement soon. Pretty healthy setup, then.
I think he could really save, though, with the Blue Buffalo at $32 a case that equals out to about $360 a month, or $12 a day. May as well buy tuna.
S
Sylvia, What brands have you tried? What do you recommend?
Phil, the canned wet food is disgusting, I’m afraid. Fancy Feast is the richest I’ve ever bought. The kitties like cheaper Friskies Pate well enough. I can see where the Smalls brand might be good. I’ve lately not been able to get the Friskies due to the shortage. The manufacturers claim that during the pandemic more people got cats for companionship and they could not keep up with the demand of canned food. I bought a whole chicken and chicken livers to cook for the lag of can food. I might be tempted to eat some of that. Crunchy kibble is another way to go for you, Phil. I recommend Hill’s Science diet for Seniors. Though the Hill’s dog food tastes better and is more convenient to carry in your pocket for quick snacks. Alas, I have no dog any longer but a box of dog biscuits would be handy to have about for protein bar substitutes. Have fun in the pet food aisle, Phil.
S =^_^=
I’m really having problems with my brain running in a ‘tight electrical circuit’ when I am recalling or revisiting something important. I repeat something I said over and over and over again in my mind, even a short phrase. Repetitive words and sounds in tight circuit serving as a comforting rail to cling to. Perhaps as a semi-autistic trait.
Because of the tight repetitiveness instead of free-flowing thoughts branching out productively, I could never accuse myself of being an artistic autistic.
Guru, what are you feeling as you have all those repetitive thoughts?
Phil
It seems to happen when I’m really REALLY worried I did something wrong in a certain momentary situation, such as a brief turn of phrase I said changing an entire important dialogue for better or worse. Key critical moments or utterances played over and over in my head
Also it happens on occasion when I dwell on something great or funny or brilliant I did which delivered a ‘victory’ of sorts, so I repetitively savor in that.
Michael Dell has said we should only celebrate victories for a nanosecond (yes, he really said that). Since he made $300 million in 1980’s dollars by the age of 26 before the World Wide Web even took a foothold, I figure he must be correct in having extremely truncated victorious revelries while my extended repetitive approach is obviously wastefully wrong (or maybe I’m ‘stuck’ in some strange form of brain damage I don’t understand).
It must be unbelievably awesome to make hundreds of millions or billions while still in your 20’s. Even today with my being much older it would still effectively end this stupid predatorial neighborhood dynamic tormenting me forever. I could gleefully turn the predators into my pawns at that point.
The Forbes list of America’s 400 richest people was just released for this year.
You now must have a net worth of $2.9 billion just to make the bottom of the list.
For the first time in 25 years Donald Trump is no longer on the list, being only worth $2,5 billion and not able to keep up with the rapidly increasing requirements of staying on the list.
Oprah Winfrey has also dropped off the list.
I still buy large cans of plain oatmeal at Wal-Mart because it’s only $2.45, sprinkle a pinch of salt and stir in 2 cups of hot water for five minutes…adding store brand peanut butter and raisins so I can save 1/5,800,000,000th of the requirement to be on the Forbes list (otherwise known as 50 cents).
228 confirmed people worldwide worth $10 billion or more
2,674 confirmed billionaires worldwide
My personal extrapolation from this would place roughly 30,000 people at $100 million or more.
Disregard my extrapolation in my previous post, for it’s not a linear increase in population with each 10-fold decrease in wealth..
It’s probably somewhere around 120,000-150,000 people with $100 million or more.
Anyway, it’s an absurdity I’ve never experienced so I will end it here.
Guru,
Some people make good money blogging.
Phil, I was mostly muttering to myself about how the idea of money has gone completely off the rails. I spent too much time droning on about it, so I stopped.
I will say I need to talk to more people because of something that happened a couple days ago with the predator. I talked to three different friends about it since then, but it still doesn’t feel enough,,,not resolved enough, Might be a gnawing need there for mommy’s comfort that I don’t fully understand or can deal with….then again, it truly might be something else.
some movie credits made me think about when i stopped reading comic books as a child. i don’t remember when or why. maybe i had friends. maybe i was getting books from elementary school library. why does this thought cross my mind and why do i feel the need to express it? whatever. meaningless drivel at this point. maybe yesterday’s big rain will be the last one i see. definitely i won’t be riding my bike to school on a rainy day ever again. too bad i can’t say goodbye to my lost childhood.
I’m writing here, maybe am lost, but it is in reply to Guru’s recuperation from the “cavemen” at his door. Good for you, Guru, in standing up for yourself and feeling better today and being objective about it all in the end.
.
Sylvia, my song response was likely confusing. It was just an expression of being a metaphorical soldier constantly having to assume the role of a defensive bulwark in my own home.
Thanks for your well wishes, but I’m honestly sick of dealing with this diabolical crap (selfishly aggressive gaslighting, trickery, and other forms of low-level psychological warfare) for so many years now just to protect my living space.
Yes, Guru, I got the inference of the warrior image in the song. It is a nice eery piece. I was going to post a ukelele song yesterday to go along with my comment as a practice piece for you should you wish to take up the instrument as a distraction from your troublesome concerns, though I wasn’t sure the page was working right. I will paste it below now, (hoping it works,)
S
Sylvia yeah that did charm me a bit; there was a lot of majestic strength and power with the way she carried the “ooh, ooh’ing”. It seemed like a voice meant to be heard from a mountaintop. (Or am I just reminded of a Ricola commercial here?)
Would be nice to have her play & sing by a simple fireside.
Seems like a perfect way to soothe infants and toddlers until they start giggling again.
She seems like a kind person, too. It’s admirable someone can teach, and do it in front of millions of people. Singing feels so vulnerable and I could not do it in front of anyone, even I think, if I had a good voice and could carry a tune, (which I can’t.) Maybe if there was a choir of bad voices, I would join, so I wouldn’t be the sole vulnerable one. Luckily my cats don’t seem to mind my off-key serenades.
S
Reuters made a special report 2 days ago: Inspiration to launch the far-right network “One America News” in 2013 came from AT&T executives, and AT&T has been a crucial source of funds flowing into OAN, whose fortunes and viewership rose amid the Trump administration. Ninety percent of OAN’s revenue came from a contract with AT&T-owned television platforms, including satellite broadcaster DirecTV.
https://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/usa-oneamerica-att/?utm_source=pocket-newtab
Trump’s loss was OAN’s gain, social media data show. OAN caters to the audience that wrongly believe Trump won the 2020 election. After Fox News affirmed Joe Biden’s victory, Trump and his camp blasted Fox, and a record 767,000 people installed the OAN app in November, nine times as many as in October. In January, Trump supporters, including at least one carrying an OAN flag, stormed the U.S. Capitol.
Many, if not most, people look at being victimized with small slights as tolerable. I think Trump knew this well & nothing serious happens for, as an example number, 224 different little sins. Finally, when the decently repressed victim becomes upset enough s/he retaliates for the latest sin, never able to address the previous 223 sins. So to a third party everything looks pristine without digging down into the pattern of previous behavior. It’s only a matter of resolving the latest problem while the bully is a ‘good person’ otherwise, never seeing those previous 223 sins.
I suppose this is what bullies count on. Having to deal with the consequences of one sin as the price for 223 freebies, great deal huh?
I wanted to babble this out before I forgot, because it’s important.
Maybe a good term for doing the 223 unrequited bullying sins would be called ‘goodwill abuse’, or abusing tolerance. A tolerant person becomes a sucker, or mark, to the bully.
Siri, in my iPhone, pointed out a discrepancy to me. She says I have an alarm set even though tomorrow is Columbus Day, Indigenous People’s Day, or whatever you want to call it. I like her kind of thinking.
Phil
I’m having massively forlorn depression, mainly from dad’s gentle genius teddy bear spirit being gone forever. I listened to the “Over the Rainbow” clip a couple more times that Sylvia posted, and the “oooh, oh, ooh’ing” part just made me sad. There was just a sad forlornness to the whole thing, a sense of a final departure of a gentle, innocent teddy bear who deserved so much more out of life than I was able to give him myself. All that seems to await me now is a new, much darker chapter of life filled with selfish garbage people (a few friends and scattered likeables excluded).
The sadness doesn’t go away on its own, thinking of the darkening cancerous shadow over dad’s life during his final year. It just feels terrible & still haunts me almost three years later, what else can I say?
The absolute best way to improve this would be to ‘do something’ for dad….obviously not an option, so this is where I’m really stuck.
I don’t want any psych meds. I’ll just have to deal with it on my own.
Just as I often do with angry ruminations about the predator neighbor, I can just stare at a wall and stew in this depression for hours, so this is where I am at my weakest. Who would I spontaneously jump from my chair to dance and perform for, anyway? 329,999,999 Americans won’t give a shit no matter how ragged I run myself, hurriedly rushing around to please some localized individual.
Guru, you are clearly depressed. There is no shame in taking antidepressants. You are in a groove that you seem not to be able to get out of. Serotnin enhancers may help you for the short term. I have taken them myself at a very low dose for a little while at times. That is what they are for, to help you, as your balance of coping chemicals has depleted , so it seems. Others here have said it has helped them, too. Please know when you should ask for a little assistance from a doctor. Psych meds sounds like heavy duty stuff, like anti-psychotics, when a little anti-depressant would do the trick. No need to over-dramatize medications.. Go see your doctor so you can feel a little better–why suffer?
S
Sylvia, I’ve been doing a bit better these past 24 hours. I do have my depths of despair at times, don’t I? All I can vaguely say is that I make an extra effort to feel better naturally.
I’ve ‘been there, done that’ 20 years ago with psych meds (Lithium, Prozac). There’s a gadzillion psych meds out there and I know two different people who’ve seen scores of psychiatrists and tired fifty or more different types of meds trying to find something that works best.
Too much hassle and complications for me, so I left that all behind long ago. I don’t want to shame anyone for trying meds, though. In addition, I do drink alcohol occasionally and I don’t want to mix with psych drugs or be a complete teetotaler just to try all kinds of different psych meds.
I’m semi-OK overall. Some days are just terribly rough and sad.
Thanks for looking after me mama Sylvia.
correction: “….seen scores of psychiatrists and tried fifty or more…”
Guru, it seems you are already self-medicating with alcohol and sometimes an anti-anxiety pill you have mentioned here previously. I believe it is true that one should not mix alcohol with meds. But maybe you would not require the effects of said alcohol while taking the ssri med. I would not compare myself only to aquaintances who have struggled to take many different meds. You are disregarding the positive effects many have had with meds. There are different types of meds out there from 20 yrs ago, also. It doesn’t hurt to inquire about what is out there, now. Sometimes we have to dismiss non-flexible thinking we have in our heads in order to help ourselves. I think resistance is normal, but you have to ask yourself, with the plan you have now, “How’s that workin’ for ya?”
Mama-to-cats-only, Sylvia
Sylvia, you certainly don’t deserve a trite or truncated response from me here, but I’ve run out of energy typing to Gretchen. I need a break and wander around. Will talk later.
Well said Sylvia ! The problem with alcohol ( among many such problems) is that it can also have a rebound effect . At some point it can actually exacerbate those feelings of anxiety and depression. Also there are some interesting new ways of determining what medications might prove most effective. Whether you want to explore medication or not Guru just quitting alcohol, even for a little while could prove to be helpful. Gretch
Gretchen, OK I’ll bite at your comment ‘there are interesting new ways of determining what might prove effective’. What are you referring to here?
As I told Daniel a while back, I generally think of alcohol as a ‘garbage opioid alternative’, so that’s why I only mess around with it once or twice per month. If it weren’t for legal restrictions, I would likely take very small doses of opioids instead so I wouldn’t constantly feel a grim overhang all the time. Highly effective at killing off misery for a short while and you can keep your executive intellectual functions despite the obvious addiction potential.
During the last few years of his life dad had some notable despair ay times where he would say “all my friends are dead” (not entirely true at the time) and “nobody gives a fat fuck about me” (which led me to feeling I failed him in some way). I couldn’t really be a therapist for dad; instead I tried to console him by explaining that he should not give a damn about the world not giving a damn about him. It gives the world too much power that way & he’s far more important than that.
I can certainly see how people in nursing homes fall apart mentally when no one comes to visit them. Imagine all the world’s nursing home residents with no visitors typing out their lonely despair on this blog.
I brought up the nursing home topic since most of the final few weeks of dad’s life were spent there. I would stroll through the cafeteria to see him, remembering how awestruck I was at how completely silent a hundred people gathered together in a room could be.
I was more than a little alarmed at this grim scene, thinking “I need to get dad the fuck out of here. He doesn’t belong here at all.” It was too late already, though.
The cafeteria was so quiet there might as well had been no one in the room at all in spite of its nearly one hundred occupants. A hundred empty, hollowed-out shells of people eating breakfast, their untold life stories withered away by time and declining mental functioning.
“This is how it all ends?!?!”, I thought, “I want dad’s liveliness back, his chipper sense of humor….not this endless grim field of silence.”
This is strictly self-therapy, not trying to impress anyone or anything. Please don’t read this if you don’t want to:
That deathly vault-like silence of the cafeteria cast such an alarming pall over me since it was the complete antithesis to dad’s favorite hangout: the steady murmurs & camaraderie with his casual everyday friends at the low-stakes casino table games layered with sweetly musical chimes of slot machines in the background.
That cafeteria fully brought home to me the realization of how dad being helplessly isolated in a nursing home would kill him quickly (and it basically did). He still had salt-and-pepper black hair in his eighties and he simply didn’t belong there. I couldn’t take him home on my own to care for him 24/7 bedridden with a fractured thigh without tearing myself apart in the process no matter how urgent the situation was.
He was still mentally clear for most of that time urging me to “take care of yourself, I’ve had my time”
Clawing away at the disgustingly horrid moral dilemma of “either care for dad or care for myself” during those final few weeks is one of the crappy underpinnings of my depression.
I felt like a completely evil piece of crap leaving dad in that nursing home.
Then…an emergency with his thigh exploding in size happened demanding a trip to a more specialized hospital for a blood transfusion and nursing home stay 100 miles away.
I would talk to dad on the phone, “Get me out of this place”
Now there was an added issue of arranging a 100-mile ambulance ride home on top of bed setup, bedpan setup, medical supplies. clean sheets…
Overwhelming, and this is where I finally gave up and asked the cousins to help me through this nightmare.
I can’t help but dwell on this. It grimly snuffed out a large part of me.
The more I think about it….
I know medical science makes it a high priority to extend lifespan as much as possible, even when measured in terms of days.
I really believe both dad and I would have been much better off if he had simply walked out to his car in the parking lot after a pleasant day chatting with buddies at the casino and quietly expired at the steering wheel before turning on the ignition instead of having his leg self-fracture from cancer that night..
Yes, his life would have been shorter by 2-3 months but everything would have been much cleaner, neater, and simpler that way.
Having a long, drawn out agonizing journey to dying with all its attendant moral dilemmas is a highly traumatizing road to nowhere.
I really believe dad would have emphatically agreed with me here since we were already on good terms with lots of hugs and not many things left unsaid.
We hear your pain, Guru. It feels like a normal reaction you are having. I recall your dilemna. I’ve felt some guilt too, from not visiting my mom enough in the nursing home, as I was ill with health problems and months of stress dealing with the dementia prior to her moving to the nursing facility. I just turned all decisions over to my brother. It’s too bad we cannot know how we and our loved ones will one day go. We don’t even want to think about it. It is hard to accept it all suddenly, and the pain we see our loved ones experience. Maybe more primitive cultures have something over us without all of our medical attempts and interventions to treat fatal illnesses in the aging.
Take care.
S
Guru, it was terrible what happened to your dad. I think you did your best for him under the circumstances.
Therapy, to me, is better than medications . Alcohol is no good, even weed is better. A lot of people get benefits from it. Apparently it’s important to find the right variety. It has fewer side effects than some other drugs.
Phil
Thanks aunt Sylvia & uncle Phil for your great feedback.
I will contact you soon, Sylvia, about this as I have a question I want to ask.
And, Phil, yes pot is a strange drug with numerous varieties. Perhaps it’s hypocritical for me to have had a fair bit of experience with the drug (mostly in years past) while refusing psych meds. Most varieties, usually sativas, would give me deep panic attacks (“I’m gonna die!”) while indicas seemed better.
Janov said in his earliest ‘Primal Scream’ book that pot bends the defense system while LSD blows a hole in it. A reasonably sensible observation overall, I think.
With pot making me severely panicky being simply an amplification of an unusually scared and insecure child.
I did reach some closure today regarding my dad. The sadness is still there, yet I’m not quite as self-recriminating about any errant decisions I made after his leg fractured. I’ll always feel terrible for him; the poor man never hurt a fly.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brittany_Maynard (LINK)
Explaining how things would have been better for us both had dad died while still fully functional reminded me of 30 year-old Brittany Maynard’s gut wrenching, but extraordinarily courageous decision to die with dignity before cancer claimed it. These are terrible situations no one wants.
I can think of so many assholes who could use this dose of supreme humility, but I digress.
Hi Guru, There is genetic testing being used to help determine which anti depressant might be most effective. I am not an expert on it but I know it’s being used quite often now. Personally I don’t advise using alcohol or pot to self medicate. I think it can be risky for numerous reasons.. Gretchen
Gretchen, I will look into the genetic testing as you mentioned. Not guaranteeing I will take it farther than that, but I’m curious enough to look.
Is there a reason you don’t advise marijuana? Phil seems to say it’s good stuff and I’m not a stranger to it, though I don’t use very often anymore. Isn’t it a natural ingredient like fruits and vegetables? The drug can be taken in edible form if smoking it is a concern for the lungs.
Sorry to hear of your anguish, Guru. I’m with Phil – why turn to medication, self or prescribed as a first response? Your comments are filled with pain, guilt, remorse, and helplessness, in my opinion all in dire need to be felt, expressed and talked about with other human beings. Why not join the Zoom group, or schedule some phone sessions, or even seek out a therapist or a group around your own neck of the woods? Substance may be used to anesthetize pain but will do nothing to expand your mind and soul to find some meaning in all this suffering and sorrow, the way true therapeutic interactions and facilitation might.
It would not come to you as a surprise that it also takes me back to a previous discussion we had about finding a partner and even more so investigating the emotional (as distinct from the physical) barriers that stand between you and true companionship.
Daniel, I definitely appreciate all your expressed sentiments and I do see how a faraway impartial reader would see the urgent feelings reading my comments leading one to surmise I need more work done. I should point out that I already did a lot of valuable work yesterday and the day before.
In a very real sense, the talking I needed to do is done for the moment; my depression had lifted slightly when I could delve into all the gritty details of what I was going through after dad’s internally generated leg fracture. Yes, it was awful. Yes, it needed more discussion. Homing in on the final three months of his life was exactly what I needed to do to naturally improve my current mental state a bit.
The critical juncture to serious trauma for me was the leg fracture. I’m at peace with everything I did before that. I even prepared meals and smoothies for dad with natural ingredients designed to fight cancer, such a southwestern bean salad with brussels sprouts chopped into quarters, the pieces being allowed to rest for 10 minutes to allow cancer-fighting compounds to unfurl from their compacted states within the vegetable (https://foodforbreastcancer.com/foods/brussels-sprouts). I even spent some time growing broccoli sprouts for him, a huge source of sulforaphane.
So yeah everything I did before the fracture was fine; I just had a lot of trouble second-guessing my actions after the fracture. I just needed to realize that the situation was largely beyond my control at that point and to forgive myself for anything I might have done wrong beyond that point.
I wanted to naturally tackle some of the underpinnings of my depression and in that regard the last few days were successful thanks to the blog.
In deference to the atheistic leanings of many within this community, I understand how my phrase “natural ingredients designed to fight cancer” within a mindless vegetable would be a loaded statement lead to significant derision about the idea of an intelligent designer, so I will re-phrase it as “serendipitously possessing known cancer-fighting compounds”. That should make everybody happier now.
correction: “loaded statement leading to…”
This is a fascinating reference page about wealth percentiles in the US.
https://dqydj.com/average-median-top-net-worth-percentiles/
To be in the top 1% of US households in terms of net worth, you must have $11 million in assets as of 2020.
Fully 10 percent of US households are dead broke, with a net worth of zero or less.
25 percent are worth less than $10,000.
11 percent of US households are millionaire households.
Guru,
I agree with Phil.
I think you have done the very best you could under the circumstances.
sometimes we just have to accept the sadness of a situation we can’t entirely solve, I feel that way about my mom’s situation, even while I do my best, and as a matter of fact, also abbout my own having to live with the loss of most of my sight and half of my hearing.
I make the best of it and do ok, but still when I think of all the visual input I miss out on it hurts badly.
no escape though, but making the best of this reality…
thanks for sharing this part of the story with us, it touched me to read it.
M
Margaret, thanks for your feedback & I’m glad you derived some personal utility from it.
It may have seemed strange for me to suddenly switch to a posting about US household wealth after all I said about dad, but there was a deeper reason for that.
If I was in the top 5% of household net worth (ie. a multi-millionaire) I would have taken these steps:
–Take dad home immediately after discharge from the hospital visit for the leg fracture
–Keeping dad away from the nursing home, I would have hired a small battalion of in-home care specialists and nurses to attend to him 24/7
–Arrange for a few final casino trips for him even though he would have been in a wheelchair at the time. All his friends would have been glad to see him, anyway.
This boils down to more self-recrimination about why I didn’t become a huge financial success while dad was still well so I could have taken those steps I mentioned above & he could have died a little happier that way, perhaps even living a bit longer from having brighter spirits during the final months..
With the help of my cousins I did manage to get him home for his final week, so it was better than nothing, I guess.
He was thankfully aware enough to know he had returned home.
I’m sorry I cannot discuss your own situation more directly at this time, Margaret. I simply cannot muster the needed energy to be emotionally present for others very well.
I’m afraid I’m not an emotionally altruistic superhero, though I do appreciate everyone being concerned about me. I’m certainly grateful for their concern.
Too many other self-interested assholes I have to tangle with, perhaps even myself included for sheer mental survival and stability reasons.
Guru,
that is no problem at all, I did not need any reply about what I wrote about my situation, I just mentioned it as a personal observation .
I attended Zoom group yesterday and it was nice to be able to express myself there and to be heard and responded to.
I was tired and dropped out after 3 hours as it is evening here when it starts, but still it was as always a fine group.
M
Margaret, I wanted to raise another issue you brought forth a while ago when you suggested I find a pet.
Therapeutically speaking, based on the situation I’m in now with only second cousins for family, it would be better to perceive me as the needy, stray puppy needing a good home.
Yes, I’m the discarded stray puppy now.
Pets are not an option for me, and it would be better for a while if I was someone else’s pet in all honesty, at least for a while.
I really don’t think my proposition stretches credulity all that much, considering we are all mammals like cats and dogs, and I’m a lost stray human.
As a human pet I can provide numerous advantages over conventional pets, such as waxing philosophically about life and offering creative advice to my owner.
I’m already housebroken, I can readily accept petting, and I’m not extremely high-maintenance such as Gail Posner’s $3 million dog Conchita (LINK) or, for that matter, Leona Helmsley’s $7 million dog Trouble (LINK).
So…what’s not to like about having me as a human pet, huh??
I’m already housebroken, I can readily accept petting, I don’t bite, and I’m not extremely high-maintenance such as Gail Posner’s $3 million dog Conchita (LINK) or, for that matter, Leona Helmsley’s $7 million dog Trouble (LINK).
So…what’s not to like about having me as a human pet, huh??
Guru,
Well, you may need to be “fixed” if you want to be someone’s pet.
True, Phil, I just made an appt. for a cat to be neutered. There are vouchers available that defray some of the costs. Also rabies shot is a good idea for those ‘pets’ who live outside. And of course the tipping of the ear at the time of surgery is usually done when you trap and release so the pet does not wind up at the vet’s again by mistake, a neighbor thinking the pet needs to be neutered. There are dog traps, too that might fit a person who is reluctant for those vet trips. Neutering does tamp down on the aggression, and they do seem more mellow. But then food and shelter can be counted on, so it sounds like a win situation for someone.
My aggressively trying to create a litter would be the very least of my owner’s worries. I’m far too exhausted and worn down by life overall for that. No ‘fixing’ needed. My feed bills might equal that of a Bullmastiff or St, Bernard’s, though.
The fact that hyper-rich people can bequeath multiple millions of dollars for the care and shelter of animals while humans are not afforded such a guarantee (such as through a universal basic income) tells me there’s something gigantically wrong with our society.
Also, who would want their pet named Guru, that would probably have to go. Something like Boomer, Bandit, or Dusty would go better.
There’s always reincarnation to consider since there are many unknowns. Maybe you could come back as a pampered chihuahua.
Bleh, my last post went through twice due to WordPress glitch. Pets are never perfect.
Was rewatching a past years Chomsky/Krauss conversation. I am always impressed by how Chomsky dwarfs allcomers, just by being Chomsky, not, ” manufactured,” authoritative by being a student of fact, not ideologies of infantile religions or political dogma and tropes, nor ego. No need to bully nor manipulate, when struggling to have truth be the guide. Must be terribly threatening to those who come from the opposite perch.
So few such giants….
Then the almighty algorithm suggested this latest Chomsky gift:
presented by
McMaster Humanities
Noam Chomsky, Rethinking the Civic Imagination and Manufactured Ignorance in a Postpandemic World, youtube:
Hi David, I’m glad you still come back to the blog when you are able, but I wanted you to know many people may be reluctant to sit still for an hour-and-a-half long video. Might be best to provide a few “Cliffs Notes” for readers who are easily distracted or ‘on the go’.
I do know Noam Chomsky is well-regarded overall, at least from my limited understanding.
David, that was a great talk. What a wise man. If political history was taught like that in high school it could really involve and inspire the young people in changing the country for the better.
S
I thought I’d report here on some important old feelings I had tonight, as this is a good place to do that. After talking to one of my buddies and then practicing on the saxophone, I felt some sad feelings coming out.
It was confusing, I thought it would be about my mother, as usual, but it was my grandmother who
popped into my head. And, I didn’t want it to be about her. But I did need her in my childhood, she’s who I ended up having. So, in that sense, it shouldn’t be a surprise.
It was shocking because I have never seemed to feel anything about her over many years.
Mixed in was some anger, which is always there coming out after a while with this feeling. It’s become much clearer what the anger is about. It’s that I wanted my grandmother to go away, I didn’t want her. She stepped in because my mother was sick, and there’s a key moment in my memory when this happened.
I wanted her to go away, and then I wanted my actual mother, not her.
I rejected my grandmother, she wasn’t who I wanted. But I ended up having her, and I did need her,
and I felt a little of that tonight.
She was never what I would call motherly, there were no hugs at all coming from her, no sitting on her lap, nothing like that. But none of that happened with my mother either, as far as I remember,
and yet I was attached to her, and not my grandmother. The meaning of this big feeling is becoming clear.
Phil
Phil, that does sound important; that you needed your grandmother but did not want a substitute for your mom.
let me get out a quick rant here. i work 40 hours a week at home. the job has become excruciatingly boring and stressful because some new master butthole has come into the company and pushed for our increasingly difficult jobs. to get harder. harder for me, 70 years old i should be out enjoying what little life i have left. but no
OBVIOUSLY THERE’S A WOMAN INVOLVED. a kind thoughtful sweet woman who people and animals love. right. take out the trash. slowly i turned. step by step. sorry, shut your ears and eyes or stop reading. but what a dumb mfing dipshit. i always take out the trash. i am not a sweet loving husband but wtf. give me a break. what a dumb shit. my harsh words may come back and bother me tomorrow. but jesus f’ing christ. lets go live in ohio, its cheap there. give me a break.anyway, great full moon in aries. 2 more days to go until weekend, so i can drive her to get her expensive haircut that she would still get if we retired and had little money. i dont touch her at all. she doesnt touch me. what am i saying here? maybe i let her pull the wool over her eyes for too long. she get 12 hours of sleep a day iget 7 at moszt. no wonder she is so happy.
2 old farts me and her, taking our blood pressure and watching medical shows so we can think about dying. sweet. fights dont last long any more.
last Tuesday i visited my mom together with my half-sister, and it turned out there was a musical animation in the cafeteria.
a family member of one of the residents came to play the accordion, so the cafeteria was full of interested listeners, including my mom and us.
it was nice, and at some point my mom felt like dancing, so first my sister and then me danced with my mom.
despite her back pain she really enjoyed it, and my sister made a little video of me happily dancing with my almost 91 year old mom.
she is amazing, instead of just some kind of a slow polka she decided she would do a slow rock ad roll turn, haha, so that is what she did
I hope I can show the short video in group, holding my iPhone in front of the camera.
it will be a cherished memory for ever for me, one of these unexpected happy events of fun and closeness, music and dancing with my mom…
M
[video src="https://phiban.files.wordpress.com/2021/10/cce2371b-b0fb-42dc-8bea-f6cc15cdd0c6-1.mp4" /]
Margaret, It’s a great video but it looks like I can’t share it here. I’d have to upgrade my wordpress account so I could upload it to my site.
Phil
Margaret, I enjoyed seeing this video of you and your mom! It looks like a nice place, and upbeat. A few others were dancing, with a little effort to get others to join.
I think that works. It’s a youtube video address copied to my wordpress site, and then copied here. I don’t give up easily.
Phil,
thanks, you’re great!
I tried the link and got to the spot where the video gets mentioned , not sure whether it was a WordPress page, think so, but I got tangled up in the requirements for signing in and gave up.
i have the original video anyway but was curious to try your link and maybe seeing it on my laptop instead of on the phone.
probably it will be easier for the other bloggers to open it, it is me dancing with my mom last Tuesday, in the nursing home where someone gave an accordeon recital.
it was so nice to have this kind of fun with my mom!
she will be 91 next month!
hope you guys can see it, thanks again Phil,
Margaret and mom…
Margaret, how delightful. It looks like a festive time for everyone there. Such a warm feeling there between you and your mom dancing to the music. Something to be cherished, indeed. It feels like, too, that the residents are well-looked after by a caring staff. Thank you for sharing this.
Sylvia
Sylvia,
I am all smiles by reading you managed to see the video.
thanks for your nice words, these moments are indeed to be cherished , specially as my mom was already given up by the doctors about two years ago…
she is still doing pretty well isn’t she?
I am about to give her her evening call and will visit her again on sunday with my brother.
the weather will be ok so we will be able to go for a nice walk, with the wheelchair at hand when my mom prefers to ride a while.
M
Margaret, its a great video of you and your mom. It looks like she’s in a very nice place, well taken care of, by the staff, and by her family.
You have another comment about it, but it’s on my blog, my very first comment! But I don’t really use it, only to transfer material here. So I hope that person, will repeat the comment here.
Phil
haha, just talking with my mom on the phone, she asked me how old she was, and as always was very surprised at hearing she will be 91 next month.
her first response was ‘ok, then I should be careful!’ and then she immediately changed her mind and corrected:’no, then I can do anything I like!’
which says so much about her and her good spirits and lust for life!
M
Excerpts from: “Why even fully vaccinated older people are at high risk for severe COVID-19”
“Mounting data suggest that older people are at higher risk of severe disease from a breakthrough infection of COVID-19… News broke on October 18 that former Secretary of State Colin Powell had died after contracting COVID-19. Powell was 84, but” also had “multiple myeloma, a cancer of white blood cells.” as well as Parkinson’s disease.
“But in addition to the immunocompromised, health officials are seeing worrying evidence that older age groups continue to be at higher risk from the pandemic. According to the latest data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, people over 65 account for 67 percent of hospitalizations and 85 percent of deaths from breakthrough cases.”
“recent reports from Seattle and the UK show that older vaccinated people face similar—and, in some cases, greater—risks of severe disease than unvaccinated children.” … “If you’re under 45, your chances of dying are almost nonexistent, and then it increases exponentially.”
“Scientists who study aging say it likely has to do with some of the hallmarks of getting older. For example, the human body normally clears away cells that have become damaged due to disease, injury, or stress. But as the body ages, this process becomes less efficient, and it starts to accumulate so-called senescent cells, which are damaged but won’t die. These cells secrete chemicals that damage neighboring healthy cells and trigger inflammation. Senescent cells thus weaken the body and make it harder to fight off infections.”
“Among older people, he says, there are two broad abnormalities of the immune system: a hyperactive innate response, and an underactive adaptive response.” Innate immunity is the defense system you were born with…. When that response is inappropriately intense, as happens in older people, it can trigger a cascade of damage throughout the body, from the lungs to the heart to the kidneys.” “The adaptive immune response targets a specific invading pathogen. Vaccines provide a preview of the germ and teach the body how to create antibodies that recognize and latch onto a virus and block it from entering any of the body’s cells.” … “If the amount of virus is small, the antibodies and T cells can easily defeat it. … A larger viral force, however, can overwhelm the adaptive immune system. ”
“… age can dampen the effectiveness of some vaccines. …a third of people over age 70 don’t respond at all to the flu vaccine, which is why it still kills a disproportionate number of older Americans every year.” But “responses to COVID-19 vaccines have been a lot stronger. … in September the CDC reported that the vaccines are only about 78 percent effective at preventing infection among people of all ages after six months.” … ” data from the United Kingdom show … vaccinated people over 60 died from COVID-19 at higher rates than unvaccinated people under 50.
But “it’s much more important to compare the risks among unvaccinated versus vaccinated people no matter their age. These data clearly show that everyone benefits from a vaccine: In the U.K., for instance, the death rate for unvaccinated adults is several times higher than it is for vaccinated adults in every age group. … the Pfizer vaccine remains 90 percent effective at preventing hospitalization, which shows that it remains a solid defense against severe disease and death.”
“Getting vaccinated really puts things on your side. Think about it as a war where you want to have all the ammunition that you can possibly have.”
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/article/why-older-vaccinated-people-face-higher-risks-for-severe-covid-19?cmpid=org%3Dngp%3A%3Amc%3Dcrm-email%3A%3Asrc%3Dngp%3A%3Acmp%3Deditorial%3A%3Aadd%3DSpecialEdition_20211022%3A%3Arid%3DC64D9F0217CABCCFA436E481C9A50ECB&loggedin=true
sweet, margaret! and phil..
margaret you really care about mom!
sad dream, i guess. damn cats kept waking me up all night long. anyway, i was focused on something and i look over at barb and she was sobbing uncontrollably. she was looking at a picture on the wall, of herself as a child, doing whatever. maybe this is my feeling of loss about my youth, or maybe i detect it in her voice every day, in her voice or maybe not at all. her loss of childhood. i dont know what. she is always so happy. it seems to me, anyway. one of us will die on the other and really face an unbelievable loss. we might have saved each other’s lives by getting together, but i, for one, have been just about as unemotionably-able and distant as the world has ever seen for 4 decades.
one more thing, before i go drive barb to her haircut. some atmospheric river pushing through california, los angles might be getting a little of tha push. or coolness, finally heat has died down, , winter, fall air or who knows what allowed me to finally get stuff done today. cut off live palm fronds before tree gets so tall my neighbors will complain and landlady will kick us out. it might kill the tree but i had no choice. i couldnt sleep well and i was panicked about doing it. i has to nail my saw to a long pole and also use gorilla tape to reach the branches at top. the blue jay squawked to say he noticed the difference. i got the cat to shite. something else, but only importance is, cool weather will only last 4 months, and i need to make hay–whatever that saying is. i cant breathe well a few days now, but i think the air is still bad or my lungs and heart are going. maybe long-covid impact from my booster.
Otto, maybe keep an eye on the effects of the booster. I’ve been reading and watching videos about the shots. Because they don’t usually pull back on the needle to see if blood is in the syringe, they don’t know if they are hitting a blood vessel. Some of the vaccine can get into the circulatory system and not just the muscle and can affect the heart. Hopefully, though, your breathing will get better with a little time.
S
I meant pull back on the plunger of the syringe, not the needle.
Here’s a terrifying story about 40 year-old Australian actress Melle Stewart who had a stroke as a side effect of being vaccinated, and having a large chunk of her skull removed to keep the pressure off of her brain: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10124957/Australian-actress-Melle-Stewart-suffers-stroke-getting-AstraZeneca-Covid-vaccine.html
I couldn’t read the story nor see the pictures of the huge regions of her skull missing. It’s too scary and makes me want to snuggle under the covers now.
I feel terrible for her, since she was innocently trying to do the right thing and paid a massive price for it. My cowering under blankets and holding them close after thinking of this story may be a symbolic representation of trying to hold all my own body parts close together.
You can look if you want. The photos aren’t too graphic. She wears what looks like a hockey helmet for protection.
There are way too many medical emergencies and people clinging precariously to life to have enough room for avaricious asshole billionaires and centi-millionaires parasitically draining off as much power and wealth as they can from society for themselves. It’s fucking absurd, but money’s the only language our society seems to speak, so I have to play along with the absurdity.
hi Vicki,
glad you enjoyed the video!
in my mom’s ward there is a resident, now in a wheelchair and gradually losing more and more capacities, who used to play in a band, accordion and other instruments and singing.
now his son has a new girlfriend who plays the accordion very well and she was the one performing.
it was a great success, she played all kind of old songs so people could sing along as well.
and dance, smiley.
my mom is very keen on dancing, even now at almost 91.
it is a good nursing home, used to be a convent, nice garden with huge trees, and now it is a non profit association, so any money goes back into activities, or animals like the three alpacas they also have.
it is not perfect but much nicer than any other home we visited.
mom usually has a little cry in my arms when I arrive, which I let her have, and quickly after that she brightens up.
the word ‘walk’ always does the trick as she loves to be outdoors.
it is so nice I could share ab bit about her, thanks again Phil!
M
I found out this morning that a nurse in the office where I work, her husband has died of covid. This is very shocking, he was 47, although he did have some other medical conditions. She didn’t come to work last week because she said her son had tested positive for covid, which we were doubting. We are very short staffed for nurses and there is a lot of stress. It seemed like she had wanted to stay home. I’m not a nurse, so none of the stress comes on me. Her husband’s covid case must have developed very rapidly, and I think the whole family was unvaccinated, a very big mistake.
Phil
It is alarming when COVID comes so close to home, and becomes real, not just a number in the news. Our friend’s new date felt ill recently and tested positive for COVID. There was a chance we had been exposed through our friend, although if she had become infected through her date, the incubation period in her since at the time of our most recent visit with her was short, so we likely weren’t. She subsequently tested negative, to much relief all round. It’s scary how transmissive and infective the Delta variant is. Plus in general the immune system of people my age and older is considerably less robust than when we were middle aged or younger, so even if vaccinated my immune system might not mount sufficient response to COVID. I long for the day when I can feel safe taking a ballroom dancing class again (which have been cancelled for a second year now, due to COVID).
So sorry to hear this Phil! That is really so sad. Gretch
Phil,
What a sad story.
M
Sylvia, i wasn’t watching the pharmacist who shot me. he was a happy chatty guy with his customers. anyway, i though about winter-blend gasoline fumes coming from the freeway or dust from the dust-free cat litter in the box next to my bed. i have to have it there to monitor her, see if she strains. the other cats like this box so i never know whose poop is in there, even after all this time. raining today in l.a. beautiful. maybe some happy memories stirred up by the rain, or just the happier days that happened when there was no added burden of being old and death-adjacent.
Otto, I guess that is where a camera would be handy to monitor the litter box. I’d like to have one to see what animals come to eat at nite and if the old feral mama cat is still around. Yes, litter dust is a problem breathing it.
I asked the nurse if she aspirates before she gave me my first shot and she said no. I don’t know if I’ll ask whenever I go for the booster…it’s more pain probably, and hesitance to question their routine, will stand in the way.
Good luck with your kitty. She should be doing okay with the medicines I’m assuming. Fingers crossed.
We got rain up here, too, thankfully.
S 🐱
thanks Otto,
yes, mom and me do care about each other indeed.
reading your words again made me aware of the old fear of not caring enough, a familiar old feeling as early in therapy I did not even know whether I loved my mom or not.
her need used to frighten me, but now things seem much more in balance luckily.
i recognize her need and fear as I relate to it, and also see how she does her best not to impose it on others, so things now are much easier to accept.
somehow it is a bit like looking in a mirror I guess.
are you aware of how much you care about others really? pets and people included?
it is nice to read what you wrote about you and your wife saving each others lives in a way.
and to endure three litterboxes at your bedside you really need to care a lot!
so try not to be too hard on yourself, please, M and cats
There is a lot of talk now about vaccines at work. My boss is going to get Pfizer for his booster, although he started out with Moderna. Apparently mixing and matching is now thought to be advantageous. I already got mine, it was Pfizer, as were my others. I probably should have waited and mixed vaccines.
In other news, my high school graduating class had a reunion a few weeks ago, which I made sure not to attend. I have a perfect record. It’s progress for me just tolerating being in their Facebook group. It used to be I was repulsed receiving any mail from them.
I’m amazed to see that someone is scheduling another reunion on the west coast because he couldn’t make it to the one a few weeks ago. This is a real alternate universe that I can’t at all comprehend. I wouldn’t attend if it was being held at my next door neighbor’s house.
Phil
Sylvia Town-crier, here. I don’t know if anyone is interested but maybe it’s already common knowledge that some states are switching how we dial local phone calls. In California in certain area codes you will be dialling 1+ area code + prefix+ the 4 numbers. The area codes that will be affected are: 209, 530, 562, 626, 650, 707, 925, 949, 951.
So to call my neighbor I dial 1+ our area code and their 7 digit number. The change is for the new 988 number to be used for mental health crisis. Evidently these California area codes have a 988 prefix so that is why we have to use the area code now as the first numbers.
Some states do not have to use the 1+, just the area code and prefix and number. Long distance dialing will stay the same. I will post a link to the other states’ whose area codes are affected and will require using an area code for local calls now or in the future.
I say this in case there are others living under a rock too, or have not paid attention to the news (if it was already explained there.) If I had known I wouldn’t have tested all the jack connections and wondered about repair bills when failing to connect calling locally. Hate that screech noise when the phone recording says you must have dialed wrong.
I will leave a link below to the other states whose area codes are affected.
S
https://www.verizon.com/support/residential/homephone/area-international-info/ten-digit-dialing
Sylvia, that’s good to keep in mind. I don’t know if our smart phones know all this. P
I think with cell phones you don’t have to use the 1 before the 800 number either (for the California and other states) but we do for the landline. Also, I wanted to say that the link may not work to all the states I put up, but it should if you copy and paste it to an email to yourself. I’m glad in the future more people can easily access the hotline to get qualified help.
Thanks, Phil. I wonder how many rants the phone cos. will get for not informing everyone better of the change. My AT&T service said they are getting a lot of calls.
S ☎
this week I canceled my shift at the phone helpline and also my Pilatus class.
not really ill but feeling I needed a break.
it feels like it was a good decision.
on Monday I had had a bummer at the dentist. she was going to install one or even two caps but it turned out that while she had already removed large parts of the two teeth, the roots turned out not to be in a good enough shape to install the new caps.
so tomorrow Saturday I need to go to the dental surgeon to remove those roots. then he will put some stitches, and it has to heal for three months, before they will do a scan to check the bone whether it is good enough to install an implantation….
I have to take some strong medications from one hour before the surgery and after it for a few days, painkilling and anti inflammation…
i looked up the medication and it is scary, strong doses of Ibuprofen sound really like poison, all the horrible side effects they can cause…
so I had a few phone calls with my doctor and we ended up deciding a lower dose of the medication should do the trick without causing too much risk, as I do not want an infection spreading to the jawbone for example…
so that’s one thing, I also had a big early feeling, thinking back of a stray cat we used to know in Spain and which started to trust us bit by little bit, until one day he ended up having chosen a cardboard box on our porch to die in overnight.
we buried him, in what was actually rocky dry soil in our garden, and to our surprise a beautiful flowery plant appeared during the following weeks, with a delicious smell the flowers which opened in the evening started spreading all over the garden up to our balcony,
it was so wonderful, a barren piece of ground surrounding the burial spot of the cat, but that one unknown beautiful plant right above the grave…
I started crying about that poor cat, probably left behind , alone and scared and not trusting anyone anymore until he could gradually start trusting us to the point of occasionally coming up the stairs and standing in the doorway, and accepting food put at a little distance.
when I spoke to the cat telling him how sorry I felt for him, his loneliness, his possible confusion at what went wrong, why he was not safe and loved anymore, and his fear.
that last part, fear fear fear triggered me completely.
sadness, baby wailing, more baby wailing, mixed with more adult deep sadness, even tinier baby wails, then shifting to gasps for breath and then no breathing but wide open mouth.
then a kind of cooldown crying following.
it shows me how early this feeling seems to be, going back to being born probably, and relating to feeling lost and scared also later on probably…
so that a another thing that happened today.
then i finally found out which courses in psychology, the bachelor part are still available to me, but few of them interest me, like statistics, organizational psychology, clinic diagnosis, (SM) etc.
and some classes maybe interesting me are not available to me as I did not do enough statistics modules yet, or clinical diagnosis….
I realize myself how I will miss the studying, specially if it would end so unexpectedly soon, but there is still one option, we can also add one course coming out of another faculty , so I am trying to find something interesting I can manage.
cosmology interests me, but ha, I would not be able to deal with the mathematics etc., but one option that feels like maybe a good one, is Ethics, if that exists.
I would assume it would be a class in for example Philosophy.
so well, that is another issue on my plate, together with soon having to search for a new kind of fulfilling challenge to add to my life…
still have the volunteer job etc, but if the study ends I need something new to replace it…
M
Margaret,
those sound like major feelings triggered by the stray cat, that seem like they ended
up being about you.
I have a lot of dental work done, and often I find I don’t need the painkillers they prescribe.
Ethics is very interesting, I took a course in it which was all on-line, it was quite good. I hope you can find something worthwhile.
Phil
I had some big sad feelings this morning, about losing my mother, and not wanting her to go. These weren’t new, they just went deeper. I also had some insights on how my father did things to try to make us happy on holidays, and in general. This was OK in itself, but I didn’t feel my sad feelings, they were all held in, and I think that was related. He couldn’t feel his sad feelings, we had to try and be happy.
I might do something a little like this with my own kids, although they have had nothing major to be sad about that I remember. They did and do cry over the loss of pets and other things.
I do try hard on holidays. Both my sons were visiting us this past weekend, and the younger one has his birthday coming up. I can’t get him the present he wants, it’s unavailable, he’s not upset, it’s not my fault, and anyway he’s big now. We had a great time with all the stuff we prepared for Halloween, and our set-up outside. I was able to play “Happy Birthday” to him on my sax from memory, and he was impressed with that. But, I still want to get him what he wants, and am checking everyday to see if it’s available, even though I told him it probably will be very hard to get until after Christmas.
Phil
What my father did was good, to try to make holidays fun, so that we would be happy. But that couldn’t fix the huge sadness caused by the loss of my mother. He probably thought it could I think, but he was very wrong.
Phil
I had some more big feelings today, so I’m adding about that here, for no good reason except I think it helps to write about it. I can say I mostly had no one as a child, but not quite be able to feel it. Today I did.. My father gave me stuff and tried to make holidays nice, but that was pretty much the extent of his involvement. He wasn’t with me on anything I went through. I was on my own. That’s why when the time came, I left him behind. If I had to be on my own anyway, I didn’t want him around. He was unhelpful and emotionally manipulative; he used me and didn’t get his own life together. I had more feelings about some cross country skis he gave me a long time ago, when I was maybe 20, which I still have. I had feelings about this last winter when I used them. I couldn’t make use of them many years ago when I first got them. I had a totally empty life, with no one, and couldn’t go skiing on my own, even though I wanted to. My father had no awareness at all, and was totally unhelpful. I thought I wasn’t going to make it all, at that point in my life. That’s how bad it was. It’s a miracle if I did make it.
I probably got more from my sister, and I’ve been having feelings about that too. She wasn’t around enough and didn’t have responsibility, however.
Phil
Phil, how old were you when your father died? I recognized that as I got older I was able to see more clearly some of the monumental struggles my dad faced in his life, and how life was grotesquely unfair to him…which made me grow closer to him and love him a lot more with such deeper understanding.
My opinion of dad was much less forgiving when I was young and ignorant of the wicked ways of the world at large, and how such ways operated against both of us. At least we were both reasonably lucky to live long enough to repair those earlier misunderstandings.
Maybe things would have been better in the end had your dad lived longer?
Guru,
I was 33 when my dad died. As I’ve gotten older my understanding of how damaging his behavior toward me was, has only grown. It is kind of changing from remembering him as being unhelpful and useless to including him being abusive. Not that there isn’t anything good to remember, but my needs weren’t met.
He did have good qualities and we did have good times.
I don’t think we were going to be able to repair anything had he lived longer. There was no rupture in our relationship but it was never real good to begin with. He was more like a friend than a father. I never really see it as the world treating him badly, although it did. I see it more that he didn’t do anything for himself. Very sad, and I couldn’t do much for him either, and I shouldn’t have had to.
I would like to understand the circumstances of his childhood better, which made him the way he was, but that isn’t going to happen.
Phil
Guru, it was a good question you asked. I could write a lot about it. What I wrote reflects where I’m currently at, including some big feelings yesterday. I just doubt that I would have wanted to struggle with my father to have a better understanding, especially if he wasn’t really interested. He would have thought that unnecessary since he didn’t see the problems to begin with.
Not to detract from Phil’s postings or experiences, but I need to post something of my own before I forget.
A long time ago, Art Janov wrote in the original Primal Scream that many people would feel deterred by the isolation of staying in a spartan motel room for their three-week intensive since it would bring up an overwhelming melange of feelings to the surface.
I have no problem with being locked away in a hotel room forever.
I’m so revoltingly disgusted and nauseated by so many aspects of society as it is that I would PREFER being locked away from it. Bring it on!
That’s pretty much how I feel about it…revoltingly nauseated and disgusted to the point of no return.
So the cycle goes: Conscious garbage & bullshit collection, exhaustive overload, lie down in quiet & neutral spot in a state of apathetic depression hoping the accumulated garbage dissipates over time, begin the cycle anew,
During my three-week intensive I too found it rather easy to be by myself. U guess my defensive structure actually welcomed the isolation. Barry told me then that for me it should have been the opposite: being out there with people and engaging in outside situations.
When my girlfriend at the time started her three-weeks intensive she found it unbearable to stay by herself in the room at that motel on the other side of Pico across from the institute. She just couldn’t make it.
Daniel, my disgust is not directed towards the qualities of most individuals trying to live ethical lives within their own limited frameworks of knowledge (aka ‘peasants’ or ‘workhorses’). It’s more aimed at our distended society’s underpinnings tearing people apart to benefit a small minority.
If I stay at home 329,999,999 Americans won’t care. If I excitedly go out and make 10 friends 329,999,990 Americans still won’t care. I would just be an exhausted puppet in the latter case, chasing something futile.
I won’t bother going into my standard spiel about auto traffic collisions, but let me give one small example elsewhere as to how our ‘distended society’s underpinnings tear people apart to benefit a small minority’.
Up until the 1980’s or so, the US’s most affluent tended to pay a reasonable property tax rate to finance public school districts. Along came state lotteries soon thereafter with the message “lots of this money will go to education”. What did many legislators do? They cut property taxes for the more affluent landowners (including our dear California’s proposition 13) so that the poor folks who buy lotto tickets make up the slack. Just a quietly administered shell game of shifting the burden of education funding from the richest to the poorest who probably hate their crap jobs, feel miserable all the time, and are desperately looking for an easier way out of poverty in a ruthlessly unforgiving society.
This one example of shell game bullshit shenanigans by predatory beguilers reminding me of how Jack did have some valid points behind abolishing money, and how I sometimes yearn for a simple time before the Kingdom of Lydia minted the world’s first coin only a mere 2,500 years ago in humanity’s 130,000 year history.
Guru, Did you go out and vote yesterday? That’s how things can change. I’m disappointed by yesterday’s results. The republican candidate for governor in Virginia, Youngkin, won because he lied about critical race theory being taught in schools. It isn’t taught there, is my understanding. It’s back to the same stuff scaring people on race. I don’t get how people swing back and forth in their preferences. Joe Biden has been in office less than a year, and is trying to do some good things. At least he believes that climate change is a problem. and that the pandemic is real.
Phil
Phil, this day is unusually busy for me & I’ll respond in more detail in a day or two.
Phil, I usually do a reasonable job voting every 2-4 years…but yesterday I didn’t. Was just too busy.
I don’t worry about race or climate change. Are those activists going to worry about my $30 million economic loss to a car collision? Probably not.
Guru, are you activated about the issue of traffic fatalities? It makes the most sense and is probably healthiest to be activated by our own personal circumstances. I guess there’s nothing to be done about an accident that happened many years ago except to try to heal from the lingering psychological effects.
On the way to work to today there was a traffic jam on the highway. After some minutes of waiting and moving slowing I found out it was because of rubber necking from my side of the highway. There was a large cluster of emergency vehicles on the other side and several smashed cars. One was especially bad deep in a ditch in the center median. It looked like the occupants couldn’t have survived. A good reminder that I should be careful and take my time driving my daily commute.
Phil
Phil, I think the best way to explain it here is by using the watchword ‘efficiency’. Most of media and society at large have disregarded automobile problems for the sake of keeping the economy efficiently running, so for the sake of my own efficient functioning I will disregard race, climate, and all these other jingoistic causes the media tends to love. It’s now an exhaustive pile of useless, superfluous written and oral material I have to muddle through.
Guru, I fully agree with you on turbo-capitalism in America and elsewhere. You forgot to mention that tax rates in general went down considerably, from a top rate up to 90% to the current low of about 35-40%. In Europe the rates are higher.
In my opinion, the economic inequality and the pain it inflicts is the greatest problem facing the US (and other western countries), and at bottom is driving the attack on liberal democracy from both the illiberal right (who seem to not respect the rules and norms of the political game anymore) and the illiberal left (who seem to parade as justice warriors but are morally bankrupt and confused to the point of settling for nothing less than ruin).
All in all I hope and believe liberal democracy will survive the pressures and prevail, but this isn’t as certain as it was only a few years ago. Turbo capitalism has a lot to do with it.
Daniel, I didn’t forget the international tax disparities at all; I simply didn’t have time or energy to delve into the myriad ways the richest can crush the poorest and middle class. Unfortunately, I still have my mundane little life to manage aside from tackling huge things like that. And to what end? What good would it do me over the long run? Just as trying to spread the Primal gospel as an individual seems a bit futile, so does trying to change world finance.
I have to become just as selfish as the worst offenders are to have hope of a nice life. A hat trick of trying to become the embodiment of what I generally despise.
By the way, I never used the term ‘turbo capitalism’. I always thought ‘laissez-faire’ was the way to go with this?
Yesterday, I had a major insight of how I often have to lie down or have some other sensory deprivation for a while after being revoltingly disgusted or nauseated enough times, akin to willpower depletion after expending too much energy on day-to-day decisions. Too much intellectual dishonesty just nauseates me to exhaustion after a while.
Guru, the term Turbo-Capitalism (it’s from a title of a book) was meant to describe how I, like you, feel that Capitalism has gone too far and does now a lot of damage. Laissez-faire, the underlying principle, sounds now watered down compared to the reality out there.
What triggered your nausea and exhaustion? Was there something specific?
Phil, although I’m looking at it from afar and don’t feel fully capable to make political predictions, the loss in Virginia may still be beneficial politically for Biden and the Democrats. It now looks that whether the Republican winner in Virginia lied or not about it, Critical Race Theory may have become a political liability, may cost Democrats elections, and so may free Biden from some of the pressures put upon him by the radical faction in his party. It will give him more political leeway.
Hopefully you are right, Daniel. But it still pisses me off that Repubs and other paranoid and racist idiots have hijacked the Law school CRT term, to beat drums of fear about “revisionist history” (i.e., anti-racism) being taught in elementary & high schools — to pump up their continuing delusion about the “evil” Democrats/Leftists destroying “their” vision of America-first patriotism. Which is part of trumpism. Endless lies are disgusting. I’m sure you know all that already.
I might as well address both Vicki & Daniel:
To me, racism and Trumpism are just scratching the surface of all the dishonesty out there. (Yes, yes I know I’ve said the following sentences many times before, but who else is going to be my advocate here? No one, I’m on my own) I still find it massively and debilitatingly depressing about how what happened to my mom only garnered 130 words buried deep in a newspaper while 9/11 generated octillions of worldwide utterances over decades of time.
–If Janov’s materialism was right and death is eternal oblivion then ‘might’, or deadly force, would neither be right nor wrong, it would simply be reality…and thus accidental deaths would be just as serious as murder aside from the public safety component of removing a murderer from society.
–Much of my depression stems from the deep understanding of how cheap and expendable certain lives can be. For instance, in Mexico over 90% of murders go unsolved forever. Keeping this in mind, did we really even need to bother going after bin Laden and making such an endless show of it, spending upwards of $10 trillion on favored military contractors while tens of thousands of other deaths, both intentional or not, languish in total darkness and obscurity each and every year?
–Just on the strength of how riddled and deeply-rooted with intellectual dishonesty our society already is, I don’t even want to bother with race issues. There’s enough in the pile already.
–The weight of knowing the above makes me very tired. I ache all over doing my pitifully mundane daily tasks against the backdrop of such huge issues.
Maybe I should go buy some lottery tickets as a form of escapism from this?
I remember discussing the materialism argument with a very intelligent individual intimately familiar with Janov. This person did clarify that materialism would boil down to “sheer brute force. Might would be neither right nor wrong, it would simply be reality.”
I forgot to mention the materialism coming down to “sheer brute force where might is neither right nor wrong” and I credit the unnamed person for this phrase.
Getting hit by a car or train or whatever would be indiscriminate from a bullet to the material human body.
The lottery comment I made was a sarcastic reference to my posting from several days ago about the intellectual dishonesty of shifting educational tax burdens from the rich to poor people desperate for an easier way out of their financial prisons.
Phil,
to have to grow up like that sounds so sad, lonely and hopeless.
it is great you managed to create your own warm family and life.
that seems quite an achievement after so much deprivation.
M
SIX MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT
a clunky little film written by a slow ceo
sad ending…the beginning of ww2
so sad and horrid is the human race
earlier, some tears i had watching a clip of thuneberg and her crowd of protesters telling the idiot leaders in scotland climate conference off
well i cant write this to make any sense at all , barely made it through the workweek and the cat is at it again with poop issue
anyway, i have hope that the young will save us from the fools that would destroy us all
that makes me sad, probably old feeling
save me…mommy…please
too late for me, it was too late 68 years ago
An Excellent Film, about the “Fat Fiction” that has fuelled our explosion of diabetes and obesity since 1970-80. For 50 years, govt. agencies, the FDA, Amer.Heart Assn., and most doctors have been telling patients to eat mostly carbs and low-fats, including vegetable oils instead of saturated fats, and “healthy sugar” — even though mortality gets worse. And they’ve been supported by big food companies who are getting richer keeping people addicted to sugar & meds to “combat the problems” caused by highly-processed “foods”.
And on low-carb, natural fat diets, mortality improves — that has been proven time and again. So why don’t those peddling bad science admit they have hurt so many people, for so long, and apologize? Because of the shame, as well as their reputations, and money, and careers. So they don’t want to rock the foundations of the ignorance into which they have invested so much.
Fortunately, more and more people are learning for themselves, how to heal from their diseases, in spite of “advice” to the contrary.
Change of Subject: From Robert Reich on Facebook, Nov. 11, 2021.
What’s really driving inflation? Corporate power.
The biggest culprit for rising prices that’s not being talked about is the increasing economic concentration of the American economy in the hands of a relative few giant big corporations with the power to raise prices. If markets were competitive, companies would seek to keep their prices down in order to maintain customer loyalty and demand. When the prices of their supplies rose, they’d cut their profits before they raised prices to their customers, for fear that otherwise a competitor would grab those customers away.
But strange enough, this isn’t happening. In fact, even in the face of supply constraints, corporations are raking in record profits. More than 80 percent of big (S&P 500) companies that have reported results this season have topped analysts’ earnings forecasts, according to Refinitiv.
Obviously, supply constraints have not eroded these profits. Corporations are simply passing the added costs on to their customers. Many are raising their prices even further, and pocketing even more. How can this be? For a simple and obvious reason: Most don’t have to worry about competitors grabbing their customers away. They have so much market power they can relax and continue to rake in big money.
The underlying structural problem isn’t that government is over-stimulating the economy. It’s that big corporations are under competitive. Corporations are using the excuse of inflation to raise prices and make fatter profits. The result is a transfer of wealth from consumers to corporate executives and major investors. This has nothing to do with inflation, folks. It has everything to do with the concentration of market power in a relatively few hands. It’s called “oligopoly,” meaning that two or three companies roughly coordinate their prices and output.
One example of an oligopoly in household staples: Procter & Gamble and Kimberly Clark. In April, Procter & Gamble announced it would start charging more for everything from diapers to toilet paper, citing “rising costs for raw materials, such as resin and pulp, and higher expenses to transport goods.”
Baloney. P&G is raking in huge profits. In the quarter ending September 30, after some of its price increases went into effect, it reported a whopping 24.7% profit margin. Oh, and it spent $3 billion in the quarter buying its own stock. How can this be? Because P&G faces very little competition. According to a report released this month from the Roosevelt Institute, “The lion’s share of the market for diapers,” for example, “is controlled by just two companies (P&G and Kimberly-Clark), limiting competition for cheaper options.” So it wasn’t exactly a coincidence that Kimberly-Clark announced similar price increases at the same time as P&G. Both corporations are doing wonderfully well. But American consumers are paying more.
Or consider another major consumer product oligopoly: PepsiCo (the parent company of Frito-Lay, Gatorade, Quaker, Tropicana, and other brands), and Coca Cola. In April, PepsiCo announced it was increasing prices, blaming “higher costs for some ingredients, freight and labor.”
Rubbish. The company recorded $3 billion in operating profits and increased its projections for the rest of the year, and expects to send $5.8 billion in dividends to shareholders in 2021. If PepsiCo faced tough competition it could never have gotten away with this. But it doesn’t. In fact, it appears to have colluded with its chief competitor, Coca-Cola – which, oddly, announced price increases at about the same time as PepsiCo, and has increased its profit margins to 28.9%.
And on it goes around the entire consumer sector of the American economy.
You can see a similar pattern in energy prices. Once it became clear that demand was growing, energy producers could have quickly ramped up production to create more supply. But they didn’t.
Why not? Industry experts say oil and gas companies (and their CEOs and major investors) saw bigger money in letting prices run higher before producing more supply. They can get away with this because big oil and gas producers don’t face much competition. They’re powerful oligopolies.
Again, inflation isn’t driving most of these price increases. Corporate power is driving them.
Yeah see? And there’s so much I could add here, both on a personal and objective basis. One of the earliest notions I personally had when I first stumbled across Janov’s books 27 years ago was, “See? This is why I am not a millionaire as I mysteriously feel I should be, it’s because I don’t have access to my unconscious mind.”
While we all certainly have personal agency to varying degrees, I can also see what a laughably misguided notion I had as a ‘babe in the woods’ back then.
Somewhere during my teens I even remember infomercials and/or print ads offering to sell cassette tapes with music, chimes, or chants (or somesuch) which would be placed below the threshold of auditory awareness in the background, so when you listen to the tapes your unconscious mind will be conditioned towards great wealth and general life prosperity.
Seemed and felt just a BIT more legitimate than religious prosperity televangelists, yet I had no clue how to sort any of this out as a teenager without mother’s Wall Street guidance. Ugh, what a garbage wasteland.
I remember handing over 10 crisp $100 bills to Atty for one of the Primal retreats many years ago (no problem, that’s exceptionally reasonable).
I just remember what a monumental step that was for me at the time.
Nowadays, if you had a full-sized, semi-tractor trailer truck capable of hauling 80,000 pounds completely STUFFED FULL with $100 bills you still would not have enough wealth to make it to the very BOTTOM of the Forbes 400 list of richest Americans.
Your tractor trailer full of $100’s would only qualify you to be somewhere in the range of the 500th-600th richest American or so.
Guru,
but wouldn’t 500th or 600th richest American be good enough for you?
What would you do with all that money Guru? Go to outer space?
Jeff Bezos has gone to outer space, and Elon Musk wants to go there too. I think inner space is a much better place to go. Also our billionaires should do more to save this planet rather than worrying about outer space. Better yet, a lot of their money should be taken away through taxes. Any future we have will have to be here I think. I like the story, if true, of the Swedish millionaire Johan Eliasch buying 400,000 acres of rain forest in Brazil for conservation purposes .https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/johan-eliasch-buy-amazon-rainforest/
Phil
Phil, it seems so strange you would ask me that considering I haven’t had health insurance for 30 years now.
Guru, maybe you’re living in the wrong state, you can’t get Medicaid or Obamacare?
I’d rather not discuss this here anymore. A whole lot of facets involved. Your question of whether or not a semi-trailer full of $100’s would not be enough for me reminded me of the absurdity of when dad would occasionally tell me money was my God.
I already had an incomprehensibly gigantic financial hole punched out of me and all I did was babble a lot on how I should go about repairing at least a sliver of the damage somehow.
Sometimes when my dad was alive, some of the more contentious moment would occur when he would disparagingly tell me, ‘money is my god” which was a laughable comment to me because all I did was call out the craven avariciousness of society as a whole.
I would talk about money a lot ,surely, but it didn’t mean it was MY God…more like society’s God and all I was doing trying to discuss how to deal with society’s savage devotion to the concept.
Eventually when dad became an old man he finally realized, albeit slowly, he was pointing his finger at the wrong guy. All I was doing was discussing the struggle.
It was so weird he would tell me money was my God when several people outside the family actually depended on dad to make THEIR money. He was a decent earner, but money was somewhat of an afterthought to him. I somewhat envied him for that because I couldn’t manage that as well as he did
OK, I’m going to try to stop here for a while, if I am able. I’m going to have to acknowledge I’m having one of my toughest times emotionally, more than ever. Neurotic or not, I’m finding it currently impossible to meet those aching needs.
I don’t know what else I can say, except:
–I’m not trying to steal attention from others, and I have no problem with threaded forums such as vBulletin so readers can easily skip over my posts. I also hate looking like I’m verbosely vomiting all over this WordPress page, crying out for attention from the world.
–I’ve kept in mind Margaret’s pet suggestion, Daniel’s social branching out through new venues suggestion , and Sylvia’s medication suggestion.
All has been heard
I’ve been having an unusually hard go at things, particularly these past few months, and my neediness is great at this time. I can’t help it, sorry.
Guru,
I think it is a good thing you express your feelings and need here.
don’t worry about ‘taking away’ attention from anybody, plenty of space here.
you do deserve attention as much as anyone else.
hang in there, M and cats
Thanks Margaret. For now I’m simply wanted to say I’m struggling more than usual in general terms. I’m not entirely living in my head is all.
Margaret is right Guru. Say whatever you like. It is really not a problem. Gretchen
Guru, I feel a need to say something to you although I fear what I have to say might seem harsh. If you’re busy dealing with justice you’re not dealing with healing. Dealing with justice demands that the world will be just, and you’re right – what happened to you is not just. A complaint must be filed, the bastards must be confronted. But you do that once or twice and get it over with.
In other words, could it be that by now you’re using justice to exempt yourself from the need to heal? Aren’t the fantasies of revenge and the demand for justice, justified as they may be, came to replace the more important and pressing issue – to rehabilitate yourself?
Isn’t that the first and foremost lesson we have learned from Janov (rather than his ideas of materialism) – that it’s our responsibility to face our traumas and heal them?
Daniel, the injustices I was describing (I’m assuming we’re discussing the social issues I brought up) was not an attempt, nor do they intend to imply, that justice should be actively sought. All I was doing was showing how the world can be hugely unfair in ways beyond the standard cookie cutter racial topics. There are many more ephemeral injustices out there which everyday people don’t seem to appreciate; so many seem wrapped up in seeking only what the news media feeds them.
–Now, as an aside, I have a question for you: For decades after World War II, didn’t Israel actively hunt down Nazis who participated in concentration camp killings, such as the Adolf Eichmann capture during the 1960’s and so forth? Can you at least explain to me why such a lengthy and dogged pursuit of justice in trying to capture Nazis for so long after the Holocaust would not be harmful to the justice seeker in their case, but in MY case I should shrug my shoulders after complaining a few times and resignedly say, “Oh well, live and let live!”? Wouldn’t it have been extremely frustrating for the justice seekers to have authority figures tell them to discontinue their cause for the sake of mental self-preservation?
In a sense I dealt with a double whammy: Most people don’t understand that an injustice occurred because of its ephemeral and/or invisible properties, and even when the injustice is pointed out the witness/victim/messenger is told to ‘just move on’ anyway.
I understand why you and Gretchen are saying what you’re saying, but it’s still crazily frustrating.
This also reminds me of something I should add about the 90%+ murder impunity rate in Mexico I discussed some days ago. Mexican law enforcement seems to view this situation as mostly ‘criminal scumbags killing each other, thus the police work is efficient and free for our scarce investigate resources to focus elsewhere’. In one sense that would be correct, but with a non-existent social safety net numerous Mexicans enter the drug trade out of economic desperation (many are also threatened with personal harm to do it) even though such activity risks their being killed by a rival, and it wouldn’t matter whether such an economically desperate person killed someone or not themselves.
Now, with a family bribing enough corrupt officials some justice might be done especially if the victim is placed in the ‘innocents’ (non-drug trade related) category, since that is a much more sympathetic portrait.
I think the reason I bring this up again now is that I can appreciate why many families would be crushingly defeated by the idea that justice will never come for a lost loved one, especially non-violent ones. I feel that same sense of crushing weight and defeat by an indifferent world seeking only smooth functioning efficiency.
Daniel, I don’t think you were harsh and what you are saying to Guru strikes me as extremely helpful. I hope you can take it in Guru and put an end to “ tilting at windmills”. Revenge only ends up hurting those who are doling it out. Barry describes it as a cancer. Rage can never be satisfied by revenge and only ends up condemning those who seek it. Justice can be tricky as well because one might ask whose justice? I think Daniel is correct that we can only deal with these things in a direct way once or twice but that at some point we move forward. That is truly the best way to take care of yourself. Gretchen
Gretchen, some of your comments didn’t make sense to me & I have to admit I wasn’t crazy about your ’tilting at windmills’ phrase. I understand why you said it, and what you’re hoping to achieve by doing so.
You said revenge (or perhaps justice) only hurts the one doling it out.
You may want to Google Peter Thiel and the Gawker/Hulk Hogan incident as an example. Rich and powerful entities do end up getting what they perceive as justice. This is similar to what I was trying to convey to Daniel about more powerful entities able to reach the justice they want.
Never mind the revenge part, anyway, I’m having so much trouble getting anything done! I’m completely out of fuel, fire, spiritual dopamine, whatever you want to call it. There’s no drive or inspired spark here. Just defeat. Revenge is rather meaningless when I’m having trouble even getting my normal chores done.
There’s only resigned despair and no pilot light on in the furnace. Far-off fantasies of revenge become useless chatter in the face of that.
The furnace comment was a metaphorical reference to a completely demoralized state.
Guru, I think you may have misunderstood my meaning. It wasn’t about actively seeking justice but about the space it occupies in your mind, and the possibility that unconsciously you may have been using it in a defensive manner thus preventing yourself from healing one way or another. You must have noticed that when you speak about that it is often accompanied by feelings of depletion and exhaustion. In other words, it doesn’t give you energy but takes energy from you. For me this fact means something. It’s as if your mind and body are telling you, “look, this is killing us” (as I wrote here before, I think this is exactly the repetition of what happened to you and your family).
I also never meant to discount your pain or tell you to forget or “move on” or function smoothly. Your loss will be forever with you, as it should. But in my opinion it is your obligation to yourself to heal, not instead of the losses you have suffered but with them. No one can or will do it for you.
So again, it is not a way to correct you but a suggestion for you to consider. To repeat – is the mental search for justice and fairness or their lack thereof prevents you from engaging your pain in a way that somehow will better your mental, physical and financial life?
Regarding Eichmann, first – states act upon different logic than individuals so I’m not sure it’s even a good comparison. Second, Israel didn’t really actively hunted down Nazis. There were Jewish and other civil organizations that did, and when Israel got word from those organizations and had the chance they grabbed Eichmann, or later used extradition processes to grab one more Nazi (he was eventually acquitted). Eichmann’s trial was important to Israel for educational reasons, because surprising as it may sound until then Israelis, including survivors, didn’t speak about what happened in those death camps or the holocaust in general.
As you know, I think you have many talents. Janov taught us several more: the talent to feel pain in a productive way, to engage our disaster area, to really show up to that meeting with the giant, scary place were we died. And each one of us has his or her own cause of death. One died of shame, another died of rage, yet another of despair. Janov further taught us the talent to be small, to be in distress, to be wounded. And the talent to be angry, to not stand for it; and I would add the talent to feel rejected, to bear failure and insult. If we would look it all in the eye, if we show up to that meeting, the Janovian promise is we will overcome our death.
Daniel, let me concisely offer two items. Other areas of your post could be expanded upon, but let me keep it simple for now.
–I brought up the Israel example only to show that more powerful and influential entities (whether group or individual) have a better chance at finding some form of justice if said entity is wronged by another entity. This exacerbates the situation for the unknown or powerless who have no recourse.
–My biggest problem is constantly relying on useless activities as a soothing crutch from the threat of breaking out of my comfort zone. I tend to want to just collapse in a chair or couch anymore and sulk. Just give up on it all and lay down. A feeling of, “I’ve seen more than enough and had a few too many life misadventures. Time to just sit in a chair and not care about anything at all…even if I slowly starve in the process.”
I’m just not doing so hot, that’s all. What’s left of my smoldering finances are still OK and I still stay away from gambling, but I’m just not getting anywhere otherwise. This state of affairs is something which cannot continue and I’m having all kinds of difficulty breaking out of an entrenched behavioral groove I’m in. I’m a bottomless pit of needing soothing comfort and inspiration.
(Also, I should mention Vicki did a good job showing a couple of the more ephemeral injustices of the world, such as with the nutritional dishonesty and the corporate profit hoarding using inflation as a cover.)
Why can’t someone come and rescue me? Carry me to salvation as I lay slumped in my chair for hours on end after being misguided by way too much unnecessary life garbage, completely drained ?
Every time I try to get anything done anymore I quickly ache all over and need to take a break again. Everything feels painful anymore.
I’m just tired, weatherbeaten.
Let me just sit by a fire and quietly rest. I won’t bother anybody:
guru, my sympathy. anyway, i have no issues beyond that i am just another week closer to dying. ha! back to work tomorrow after taking all weekend to clean 2 catboxes ans bore my poor wife to death. and soon to get the cataracts in my left eye fixed. thanks dear eye doctor for reminding me that i am letting diabetes kill me. but really…70 means you ain’t going to live a hell of a lot longer anyways.
Thanks Otto. I really wish I had the ability to wriggle through exceptional difficulties with unflinching determination. Much more to be said here, likely boring stuff, so I’ll rest.
Yes, Otto, I know about the entering of the seventies, there’s no doubt anymore that we aren’t young. It’s falling off a cliff feeling after the sixties. It sounds unbelievable to me, just like when I told my mom with dementia long ago she was ninety and she couldn’t believe it. Uh, oh.
Rest up Guru; one day at a time.
I was thinking lately, now with my inquisitive souped-up-primal-brain: why don’t men have 3 titles like women do? They just get Mr. I think they should have a revolution, too like we feminists did. I guess they don’t care if anyone knows their marital status or not. Mrs. means you are married. Miss means you are probably young and not married. Ms. can mean: don’t bother me with your nosiness, it’s none of your business whether I’m single, never been married, divorced, or other (married or married to a Mormon polygamist.).
Anyway…so much for Monday and trying to put off chores….
S
Please ignore this if you wish, bloggers. Again it’s only self-examination,
I thought quite a bit about all the things Daniel wrote the past year about my life’s early imprint, and it finally struck me today that I have one terrible imprint negatively impacting me.
The imprint is a really strong….all struggle is ultimately futile, nothing I can do will matter.
One day my mother is here, perfectly healthy and strong with lots of kisses and hugs.
The next day, NOTHING. I likely struggled mightily to find her day after lonely day, wondering why she left until the crushing imprint settled in that she will never come back for me and I will never know why.
All the ordinary chores and other ‘adulting’ struggles always run up against that ominous monster of an imprint.
Please go away, imprint, you are useless now. All prolonged struggles are not futile anymore.
This explains why I only give long projects a ‘half-assed’ effort.
I give up in futility, perfect for any parasympathetic birth imprint if that also applies.
Guru,
That’s a sad story. Do you remember anything about being informed on what happened to your mother?
Phil
Phil, my earliest memory of that would be when I was around five & my dad was with me in an intake counselor’s office ready to admit me to kindergarten. He told me in a matter-of-fact way that she was killed a few years before that. Dad stared at me for a long time while telling me this while he chatted with the counselor, seemingly trying to gather any hint of my non-verbally understanding what he said.
I do remember having to go to a speech therapist before kindergarten started, even telling the speech therapist “you look like a witch”. It was a mean statement from a five year-old which I feel guilty about ever saying even to this day..
Guru,
That seems like a careless way how your father informed you.
Phil
Phil, no not really because dad told me many years later he had to repeatedly explain to me mommy isn’t coming back when I asked him about her. It was only in that school intake counselor’s office when I began to put together that something abstract happened to her (aka ‘death’).
I’m not blaming dad in the slightest for this, never will. It was a ridiculous situation no one wanted.
The very instant I told the speech therapist that she looked like a witch, I could see she was hurt by the comment. It was non-verbally clear to me, and I felt terrible I ever blurted it out from that moment forward.
Guru, you were a little kid so a comment like that shouldn’t have been devastating
for her.
Maybe, but during that instant I said it she certainly didn’t seem pleased! I could instantly tell I said a hurtful comment and my mind went, “Uh oh, that was a boo boo (mistake)” I felt terrible ever afterwards because I can never take the comment back, especially given young children’s vaunted reputations for stark honesty.
It’s just a little story. I always felt terrible about that faux pas which I never would have said with a few more years of age.
From what I can remember she didn’t even look bad. I think I said it at the time as a way of being indirectly angry at having to go to a speech therapist. An affront to a little boy’s Dunning-Kruger ego.
This is actually a tough one I never worked out for sure.
At least I THINK I hurled a hurtful comment out of indirect anger, but it could also have elements of:
–Young child sees a cartoon or comic book female witch with distinctive eyebrows
–Speech therapist has similar eyebrows
–Child innocently says “You look like a witch”, yet the child doesn’t emotionally connect the word ‘witch’ with ‘ugly’ as adults often would.
I’m honestly not entirely sure on this one, whether the incident had a pre-cursor emotional charge to it or not.
Sylvia, I am sorry to rudely interrupt your salutation topic yesterday; I am trying to work out a lot of important things & I already explained WordPress limitations.
The major thought which convinced me to rise off the floor this morning after 45 minutes of deliberation was that I needed to gently turn my subjective experiences into a vibrantly flavorful set of adventures filled with a pseudo-dopamine like sense of meaningful immediacy rather than always re-enacting complete and exhaustively futile defeat after an indescribably intense brain-wrecking, years-long search for the maternal privilege I once possessed. Not that I’ve ever tried the drug in my life or likely ever will, but I can see where methamphetamines would fill such a void.
That should be enough to brew a contemplative morning coffee for myself, thanks..
Guru, it looks like you’ve gathered some insights about your present and previous struggles and how they are enmeshed with past imprints with the loss of your mom and later loss of a monetary security, as you posted yesterday. That you want to soothe the troubling emotions or depression and exhaustion is understandable with some sort of dopamine feel-good suppresion. Ultimately, though, yup, feeling the bad stuff in bits and pieces is a long-lasting therapeutic solution for debilitating inertia (as you know.) Enjoy your coffee.
S
Thanks Sylvia. I went over to a friend’s house with a sprawling backyard with a fire pit and a huge pile of scrap wood collected each year.
I burned a big fire for five hours under a nearly full moon this evening. The only thing I forgot to do was howl like a coyote.
I tried to connect with nature and rugged red state individualism as much as I could so my unconscious mind would be magically altered towards becoming a personal ATM machine.
Was worth a try. My clothes smell like a fireman returning from a five alarm call.
I was so excited about having the fire yesterday I completely and temporarily ignored what moving hundreds, if not more than a thousand, pounds of wood across a generously long distance back and forth from a pile to the fire would do to my body the next day. I can hardly move without lots of back pain now.
I’ve had a frustrating week at work. A lot of times I have my work in front of me but can’t do it, I have to wait. Towards the end of the day there’s a lot more work, and it can be very slow coming, when I’d like to be leaving. This would be fine if I had a big position making a lot of money, like my boss the doctor, but I don’t. On Tuesday I had big feelings relating to all of this. It connected to feelings about my father. He just wasn’t helpful with any of my frustrations, impatience, or anything else. A specific memory came out, I’ve become aware that I wanted him to do something about my mother, fix it so she could come back home, do something, or even just explain what was going on. I know now that there was nothing much that could be done for her, and I probably knew that , more or less, as a child, but the feelings still existed, that didn’t mean I had to be completely ignored by her, and he wasn’t much better. He was very passive, seemingly not activated by anything. That was very triggering for me in relation to him, as an adult. It was his idea to visit her, but there was no support on what I saw and experienced, It was really bad, terrible.
Phil
I feel stuck with the situation at work, and I’m just very tired of doing it. Everything is repetitive. The good news is that I’ll be retiring in 1 1/2 years. After that I might do some work, but no more fulltime schedule. That thought keeps me gong.
Phil
Yes, work is a beyotch, unless you are like the birds an bees who fly around in search of food tirelessly in the beautiful blue sky. of course therte is always a beekeeper or hawk to f up your day. i am incredibly stressed and bored with my job, but at least for the time being, i am free to loudly grumble and groan as i work at home because of covid. until bobo says angrily that even the folks she is teaching over the phone can hear me. hmm catbox smells now command my departure from this silent blog.
both kids going nuts again, first cat finally shat 6inch turd, other cat bit open tip of tail and bled and hat small amputation. i dont have time to say much about kids. almost time to go home. i am not at work today but that is what i say every day at work, even tho i am already home. home to lord’s side, which i think some soldier punctured at some point. mweaningless drivel coming from me. cat with cone so he leaves tail alone. sleeps in my room all day and nite,m wakes me up every 2 hours.
KID2 STRESSED:
Ex-wife of course
Maybe he stay home xmas eve and get drunk
Thinks about putting on ski mask and doing wrong
Wife having family party without him since family doesn’t like him
and another party with her friends
She has her own big place now, but maybe no heart
He has had to defend himself his entire life
Pressured about making space in his life for me and barb to see kids
Barb tells him don’t worry about it, we can drop off presents,,
See them another time, don’t compound your situation
Take me to dinner on my birthday with kids, no, don’t worry about that either barb told him
Trip up coast with kid1 and barb and kid1’s wife—she not sure if that stresses him, we talk to him later
Did he see E yesterday? I hope so, I hope this is why he is able to tell her all this
She call him back in a while
LIFE IS A CABARET. NEVER FAILS TO BRING the tears from my eyes. i dont know why. well 2024, will trump be rounding up democrats, blacks, mexicans, muslims? he sure tries hard. stranger things have happened.
my dear wife found this on youtube
Bohemian Catsody – A Rhapsody Parody Song for Every Cat Queen and King!
Hey Guru, I thought of you: “More than 20,000 people died on American roadways from January to June, the highest total for the first half of any year since 2006. U.S. road fatalities have risen by more than 10 percent over the past decade, even as they have fallen across most of the developed world. In the European Union, whose population is one-third larger than America’s, traffic deaths dropped by 36 percent between 2010 and 2020, to 18,800. That downward trend is no accident: European regulators have pushed carmakers to build vehicles that are safer for pedestrians and cyclists, and governments regularly adjust road designs after a crash to reduce the likelihood of recurrence.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2021/11/deadly-myth-human-error-causes-most-car-crashes/620808/?utm_source=pocket-newtab
Hi Vicki, well thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. It was good hearing from you.
I’ll make a few observations, if I may:
–Since Europe has a tighter landmass and a higher population density, Europeans generally don’t need to travel as far to reach their desired destinations as would be seen in America. Much larger landmass with a more dispersed population leading to more miles travelled here, etc.
–I brought up Mexico’s 90% murder impunity rate with Daniel for a variety of reasons. One reason goes way back into the late 1800’s when the first traffic fatality occurred and vehicles travelled less than 10 miles per hour. The local coroner expressed shock at the incident and said, “This must never happen again, ever.” Now 70 and 80 miles per hour speeds have been completely normalized and, as you can see, 20,000 people are killed semi-annually with a similar sheer brute force as seen in war or murders…..done with apathy and impunity. It’s smoothly woven into our society’s moral fabric now. I wonder what that old coroner from the 1800’s would be saying about this now??
Anyway, I’m not a traffic collision crusader and it’s not going to do much good expressing my frustrations here on the blog expecting the world to change.
I’ve given up on trying to change the world; I have to look after my own skin because no one else will, and I’m having a hard enough time with that one as it is!
I’m really frustrated at my inability to repair even a fraction of the massive lost income from my own incident.
Vicki you are already aware of some of the details yet I don’t want to say anything more than I will say here….but even my predatory neighbor is deeply dependent on the exact two things which crippled my own existence: death and cars.
Very strange symbiosis given the polar opposite approaches and outcomes generated from death and cars.
In other words it would be like someone whose close relative was killed by a gun having his home surrounded by a gun manufacturer. It’s as though the universe really wanted to give me a gigantic middle finger on multiple levels as a pre-school child.
I don’t think I said that last sentence strongly enough. It’s as though the universe really, REALLY wanted to deliver the most deeply comprehensive psychological gaslighting, mindfucking fat middle finger to me on every conceivable level with no outward signs of physical injury or scarring so no one thinks anything is wrong for as long as possible.
OK, let’s go back to comforting things:
–I bought a 10 pound bag of potatoes at the grocer
–Wash & scrub 4 potatoes, place on dry surface
–Slather a thin layer of olive oil on the four potatoes
–Sprinkle generously with freshly ground peppercorns and a LITTLE bit of salt
-Rub the salt and pepper all over the potatoes as they stick to the olive oil
–Wrap the four potatoes in aluminum foil
–Place in slow-cooker Crock Pot at a low heat setting for six hours.
Oh yeah, forgot to say to make sure to puncture each potato 8-10 times with a fork after sprinkling on the spices. Not sure whether I should puncture before or after the oil slathering and spice sprinkling, Valid culinary arguments can be make either way.
As a billionaire I would just let kitchen staff take care of such matters. Ta ta!
* ‘make’ should read as ‘made’….Valid culinary arguments can be made either way.
I’ll bet not too many people think of Puerto Rico as a model, but “As of November 22, Puerto Rico had fully vaccinated 74 percent of its population — a higher proportion than any other US state or territory — and had among the lowest Covid-19 death rates since the start of the pandemic, with 102 in 100,000 people dying from the virus. ”
https://www.vox.com/22761242/puerto-rico-vaccine-covid-hurricane-maria
I remember discussing with another blogger about Thomas Sowell. I said at the time he was too conservative for me, and now I realize it’s because I don’t think we need pithy quotes on how to be bigger assholes to one another. Too many medical emergencies in the world as it is.
Hi all, I read all the comments on the blog every day a, but lately felt like having enough on my plate already as to not wanting to add one more thing.
got my third shot of Moderna, and now, one week later, the side effects seem to have subsided.
nothing all that bad, except for a headache that lasted until yesterday, but that might have been stress related.
celebrated my mom’s 91st birthday on Sunday with my brother and mom, and on Tuesday with half-sister and mom.
mom got a little tired and therefor somewhat grumpy on Tuesday after a while, and did not want to use her hearing aid anymore. having to repeat and repeat and raise my voice more and more was very hard with the headache, so it was not a bad celebration but also a bit frustrating.
wish I could make my mom feel more safe all the time, also when I am not there, it must be so hard to forget everything more and more, not even knowing really she lives there for example, and that she is not waiting in some hospital, pub or institution for the moment to go home.
she is still fairly well despite her dementia, but sometimes it still is heartbreaking to witness the difficulties she has to deal with.
at the same time I admire so much her way of never giving up, the way she always comes back to her ‘making the best of things’ and looking for the things to still enjoy.
she is a true example in that sense.
I got triggered badly by my brother last weekend, by his unexpected sneering and moodiness, realized I felt very down when I was back home, and finally could start crying just using his name as a trigger for all those bundled up fuzzy feelings.
I cried for a long time, and then cried some more focusing on wanting momy to comfort me and to help .
the next morning I felt much better, it really helped a lot to have those feelings.
Phil, I managed, well, my mentor did, to find a course of Ethics, will start it now!
it is hard to deal with all the tensions and threats Corona still causes, our hospitals are again filling up, partly elderly people or with underlying diseases, but the other half anti-vaxers which starts to frustrate the medical staff and many others, me included.
many operations have to be canceled again to leave place for those who refuse a vaccine, causing other people with more responsibility to have to postpone for the third time a brain surgery, or a four year old with severe epilepsy to have to wait for an urgent brain operation once more. itmade me cry watching an interview with the family, mom holding the little girl on her lap, dad by her side, explaining the situation, when suddenly the girl gets seizures…
makes tears come to my eyes again, mom was so sweet while bending over completely over the little girl on her lap, softly reassuring her, until she came out of the seizure .
it is heartbreaking a kid like this, who needs the surgery as soon as possible to give her the best chances to develop, as she needs to remain in a wheelchair now because the risk of falling and hurting herself is too big, despite the fact she can walk, and she needs to leave space for some anti vaccination freak who says his or her personal freedom of choice matters.
of course that does, but not to the point it starts harming someone else.
maybe the ones not wanting a vaccine should agree in case of overwhelming health problems in the hospitals, they do not come first in case of difficult choices to be made.
my ethics course will be interesting in regard of this issue…
M
Margaret, being my selfish self again your post reminds me of one thing which really disconnects me from everything. Keeps me ungrounded….
I have no conscious memory of what my mother’s voice sounds like at all. I wish I had a recording or any sampling of her voice so I could latch onto that and take things from there.
I have her smashingly brilliant tour de force resume and some baby notes she wrote about me, but that’s all….just writings.
I am much poorer for that.
Speaking of which I…do remember Louis Reukeyser’s Wall Street Week being played constantly as a tiny kid. I always loved that intro song and how it trailed off on a sweetly contemplative note at the end when everyone was ready to settle in for a big conversation. I did manage to find an accurate sample of what that was like during mom’s final weeks, at least. It was an ancient era before the World Trade Center officially opened:
Anyway, I have to let this one go. Maybe talk to the cousins for some second-hand info on what mom may have sounded like. Hearing her voice, even a sentence, would have mattered greatly…grounded me a lot more.
OK, maybe I can’t let this go and I just fooled myself. That’s a ridiculously haunting question to be asking myself, “What did my mother sound like?” There’s absolutely nothing I can anchor myself to here.
I don’t want to be obsessed by this and waste more time, but it is a haunting self-flagellation to be sure.
I’m sorry blog, this did bother me and I’ll let Margaret take over again now.
I’m really really sorry about this Margaret,
I have to change my mind and I can’t stop posting.
As I said many times before I don’t want to steal attention away from you or others and I wish we had vBulletin forum threads with each thread devoted to one person.
OK, look, I just want to say I now realize why I also sought help with the Chinese song “Ink Spots”(?) from Daniel and Sylvia here in the blog back in late June or early July this year (see above in this page, if you want to bother with that).
Yes the melody was hauntingly beautiful in its own modern way, but at the time I couldn’t specifically articulate a need and wonderment at what my mother’s voice sounded like.
Solving that subjectively beautiful mystery would likely ground me a lot more, attach more meaning to everything around me instead of having racing thoughts fritter all over the place in a disorganized fashion.
Hearing her voice would give me a sense of centering, a stillness, a new sense of self-importance, groundedness with the rest of the world a bit more.
It took me several months to understand this.
I’m in a situation where I need to talk (or write) a LOT. I really hope people understand I don’t like the way WordPress presents this material at all, because it looks as though I have an infantile need to COMPLETELY dominate the entire Primal Institute blog with entry after entry from “guru’, “guru”, “guru”, “guru” ad nauseum, endlessly, week after week.
I would feel a million times better having my own little vBulletin thread in a larger Primal forum people can read or ignore at will without having my verbiage FORCED in front of everyone to read.
I certainly see this problem here.
Yes, I need to talk a lot…but I don’t mind talking into a proverbial little closet space people can freely visit or walk on by, ignoring the crazy, emotionally stunted caricature of a man. I would prefer it that way myself.
IF it weren’t for WordPress turning all my writings into a clown circus show foisted upon all readers whether they liked it or no, I would likely be writing even more now.
And…the only reason I’m even doing this publicly now is because I’m in a bit of trouble with only second cousins remaining and very few (almost no) other meaningful or emotionally fulfilling social contacts to keep the internal oxytocin flowing instead of deadly blockage of loneliness forming.
People are screaming for Rolex watches these days with long waiting lists of buyers. I still have my maternal grandpa’s old Rolex from the late 1960’s still in its original jewel case.. Probably worth $3,500-$4,000 based on my own research.
I don’t need to sell it and I hope I never need to.
But if the ‘everything market bubble’ crashes, the wealth effect shrivels, and people are no longer interested in Rolexes down the road, and I need money I don’t want to be forced to sell it at a fire sale price later on.
Selling it now at a good price in anticipation of my own destitution later is not fun to contemplate.
I wish I could make a better go of things in my life so I don’t have to think of such dark thoughts.
I never knew this watch existed until my late 20’s when my grandma died and I found it deeply burrowed in her estate possessions. To put things into context I was briefly on government food stamps a few years before. How good things once were materially was all one big mysterious secret to me which I was completely disconnected from.
This is just a story. I don’t like making grim decisions in anticipation of bad things later.
I don’t want to depend on the government for help. This way I can be an asshole John Birch Society conservative reactionary with a clear conscience that no one should depend on me in turn.
This is probably part of the dynamic fracturing America’s social contract in recent decades.
Yes, yes I know that John Birch way of thinking is a VAST oversimplification of how our interdependent society works. I’m just pointing out how seductively alluring simple solutions can be when trying to face complicated problems.
Hi everyone, I want to share an article I wrote that just got published in Dementia Connections magazine. It is about what happened to my stepfather in a retirement home earlier this year:
https://dementiaconnections.ca/behind-closed-doors/
Hey Renee, welcome back to the blog with your smashing re-entrance. You’ve been a regular fixture on the blog for at least three years now, so when you disappeared for a few months I did start to wonder what happened.
For what it’s worth, I thought your article was really good. Nursing facilities are notoriously short-staffed as a rule, and it’s even been said by some in the industry it is done by design (not sure exactly why on this). Our population is aging rapidly along with its concomitant growing need for nursing care, so the crisis you experienced and described is only going to worsen as a whole, especially with more prime-age workers dropping out of the workforce.
I’d say more on this topic but I’m really tired right now. Maybe more writing soon.
Renee,
that is such a heartbreaking story.
it sounds like they might have given him strong tranquilizers or even some antipsychotic like haloperidol.
which maybe caused him to fall and injure his back.
on top of that the hyperglycemia and dehydration, it is really terrible.
it is so sad for all of you.
Margaret
Margaret, reading your response to Renee as opposed to mine obviously shows you had a more feeling-oriented and empathetic flow for Renee’s situation. I certainly meant to acknowledge the terrible situation with her step-dad, too, but I had my ‘feeling switch’ turned off at the time & took a broader, impersonal feedback style. No question how heartrending, discouraging, and frustrating it is for everyone.
Thanks for your kinds words, Margaret and Ugg. It’s possible that my stepfather might have been given tranquilizers or anti-psychotics, Margaret. That actually crossed my mind as well. I don’t think either of those meds showed up in the blood test he was given at the hospital. What has surprised me the most is that when I’ve shared with friends and colleagues what happened to him, many have shared similar stories of what happened to their elderly loved ones. I never would’ve guessed that this kind of abuse/neglect was so widespread.
I had considered sharing what happened with my dad in a previous post, but decided against it since you were dealing with your own step-father. My dad was only in a local nursing home for about a month when he developed a bedsore about 3 inches in diameter. It was a deep crater, a level four critical sore (something like that).
There’s a long story with all of this I don’t have the energy for, except to say the hospice staff said it was the worst they had ever seen. My cousins urged me to sue somebody over it, but got nowhere. I wasn’t even sure whose fault it was between two different institutions; all I knew it that it caused excruciating pain for dad which constantly needed a huge bandage and pain relief cream from a third institution and the hospice.
I had post-mortem pictures of my dad taken at the funeral home with his tailbone sticking out of his lower back for a potential lawyer to see….but a case couldn’t seem to move forward.
Dad also got robbed of $500 cash at the nursing home. Police were called, robber threw dad’s wallet in a toilet full of urine. All I could manage to do at the time was argue with the administrator and I only recouped half the $500.
Yes, I know it was a hugely irrational thing for dad to do, bringing a bunch of cash to a nursing home ripe for theft….but he was actively dying and I stepped aside to let him have anything he wanted as best I could at the time.
He also asked me to give him $300 for his second nursing home stay (only a few weeks). When I checked out his possessions upon discharge to take dad home for his final week in hospice, there was only $120 left.
I didn’t even bother calling the police there..I was too overwhelmed with how drastically my life was changing to really care anymore.
I think dad simply wanted some cash with him as a security blanket, a tool for freedom for him. Some hope of getting out and having a normal life again.
Clearly it wasn’t a smart thing to do…but again it was a comfort crutch for dad. A reminder that he was still a man’s man who could leave on his own free will and money in his pocket was a symbol for that, however futile in reality.
Very few people realize what amazing things dad did at casinos all around the country as a man in his late 70’s-early 80’s. There was no way in hell dad would last long being institutionalized. Being dependent on others wasn’t in his blood in the slightest. I talked about this before already; being confined to an institution was going to kill him quickly and there was nothing I could do about it.
I try to comfort myself knowing the institutionalized hellhole period for dad was only 85 days total, from the time he was fully functional and broke his thigh until his death.
Mercifully a semi-short period of pure hell for him, slightly less than three months.
Well if it’s all the same to you and no one wants to say anything further, I would like to change the topic for a minute. If Margaret or Renee or others want to revisit the nursing home topic I’m all cool with it. Do whatever you want. I was not exaggerating on dad’s tailbone story. It was coated with black bile, having pierced 1.5 to 2 inches outward from the crater in dad’s lower back.
OK, well let’s go on then.
Had a similar experience with a 39 year old friend with Spina Bifida; also a fist sized hole 10″ above in the small of her back.
It was ruled by the coroner that the ensuing systemic infection was, ” likely,” the cause of death. The Provincial Supreme Court heard the case, made a ruling, finding against the maga conglomerate nursing home for neglect. Because she had no blood relatives the fine levied was ineffective. The case for criminal prosecution has been with the Crown for an extended period with the defense dragging it out with jurisdictional arguments. The nursing home corporation has deep pockets and strong political ties, across party lines.
Now as for this other topic…One feature I noticed with the old Primal Institute on Pico Blvd. was how they turned down the lights both in big group room and in individual therapists’ rooms, sometimes being turned all the way off or very close to it.
I didn’t fully appreciate at the time I was there how HUGELY appealing this was to me. The dark room with padded walls gave me formless space and freedom to try to sort out my pressing life problems. It was always a disappointment to me when they turned the lights back on.
That dark padded room was PRECISELY what I needed. A vacation away from a supercharged, hyperactive, fiercely competitive banana-republic style society ready to eat you alive with all its glittery tinseltown garbage.
That dark group room was half the appeal for me. I even asked Barry on a couple occasions during the day if I could just go into a dark individual therapist room so I could sit and think. No noise, no lights, no bullshit. Just a space to sort things out, or at least try, with no distractions.
And on that note, with darkened, padded quiet Institute rooms being the polar opposite of society’s thin veneer of glitter and glamor such as one would see in casino architecture. I was reminded of a book I never got around to purchasing: Marketing Is Violence by Marianna Cage.
Seems intriguing in the same vein as with Daniel showing Alice Sparkly-Kat’s colonial astrology book but never really making the purchase.
The Marketing Is Violence book even uses the term ‘neurosis’, so indeed some Janovians might appreciate its contents. Looks pretty good! Jack might have liked it.
I used a childlike rationale for seeking out the dark padded rooms of the Institute: Ninety percent of the universe is comprised of dark matter, so hanging out in dark rooms brought me closer to the universe, even if it’s simply the universe of self. A quiet, formless non-judgmental void away from the world’s clutter.
The fact that the post above is the 666th post of this page only adds to the darkness.
Luckily, Guru, you broke that superstition by posing # 667 !
Guru,
it must have been traumatic and so painfully frustrating to witness how somebody you loved dearly was inflicted unnecessary hurt and injury due to bedsores by neglect.
I am so sorry for you and for your dad. he was lucky though to have you by his side and vice versa. it sounds like you both loved each other dearly.
M
Thanks Margaret, I do appreciate your feedback. I hugged my genius teddy bear dad three or four times per week. As I mentioned before, I think it would have been best if the hellish 85 day period after his spontaneous cancer-induced thigh fracture had never happened and he instantaneously died the day before the fracture.
Those final 85 days absolutely killed me and dad deserved none of it.
It depresses me greatly just thinking about it even three years later, watching him grimace in pain begging me to give him extra opioid meds when his request presented me with terrible legal dilemmas, etc. If I had illegally given him extra oxycodone from his older prescription on top of his taking morphine from the nursing facility I would have been in serious trouble if caught. There were certain points where it was either watch dad be in agony or commit a felony giving him some pills from his old prescription.
I finally had the snafu sorted out with the docs when I put the pressure on them to bump up the painkiller dosage, which left dad profusely thanking me for the relief in a phone call the next day.
Aggressive local hyperthermia therapy for his thigh may have bought some more time for him
I have to do a lot of grocery shopping so I don’t think being in a funk about this is going to help me function and keep my stomach from growling,
If my dad was alive and healthy today, he would simply tell me, “What’s done is done. Look to the future.”
I did stop to think of the story of Petr Kellner, who was killed at 56 in a helicopter crash earlier this year. He was the richest man in the Czech republic with $19 billion. He probably didn’t concern himself with trawling three different grocery stores trying to shave a few dollars off the weekly grocery bill.
Being forced to make these petty decisions is something I’d be happy to disabuse myself of so I can focus on larger matters.
This is mostly for Margaret…
I’ve often talked about dad being a soft, cuddly genius teddy bear. I wanted to emphasize that the ‘soft cuddly teddy bear’ part didn’t equate to dad being soft-spoken. Since he was a college math professor for many years; his voice was of average loudness and sometimes even louder than average.
Dad was generally a ‘soft touch’ in the sense that he was easy to deal with and wanted to get along with everybody. Sometimes this came at a cost of predators taking advantage of him to varying degrees. Even when he was aware of what was going on, he would still maintain a decent friendship even if it was working to his disadvantage.
He never wanted to rock the boat. That’s what I meant by his being a soft, pliable teddy bear.
When he was dying, he often tried to shoo me away from him. Even during his final week of life he was frequently flicking his finger at me to go away. After consulting with Gretchen on this, she made me understand that dad didn’t want me to be traumatized watching him die. One of the selfless things about him that made him so great, you know?
Dad was considerably different than myself in that I am much more of a hermit than he was. He had many social contacts where mine are few. He abhorred personal confrontation, and I had to give him emotional comfort and counseling the first couple times when casino security would kick him out for being an advantage player. Gradually he grew used to the mild trauma of being forced out of those establishments, though.
If someone was being an unreasonable asshole to dad, he would bend over backwards into figuring all kinds of conciliatory ways to get along and go along with the unreasonable person. I, on the other hand, would eventually begin to call out such behavior for what it is and start fighting back at some point.
Anyway, sorry to be a bore. I still miss dad terribly all the time.
Guru,
what you wrote is not at all boring, but very touching.
m
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
Omicron is coming to town
He’s making a list
He’s checking it twice
He’s gonna find out who’s vaccinated or not
Omicron is coming to town
Scary, Phil.
Here’s a light version, being that I’ve had that tune in my head all yesterday and even today:
Santa Primal is coming to town
You better watch out
You really better cry
It’s okay to pout
I’m telling you why
Santa Primal is always about town
He sees you when you’re weeping
He knows when you try to fake (abreact)
He knows if you’ve been people-pleasing
So be good to yourself, for heaven’s sake!
Oh….
Be safe y’all
S
Sylvia, where the heck did you find that? Or did you compose it yourself?
Vicki, thought up all by my little elf-self.
S
LoL, Excellent!
I have half caught up with a lot of comments, including Rene’s on her step-dad & nursing homes and Guru’s dad. I am not surprised at the appalling care people get in nursing homes & hospitals, as I experienced about some family members as far back as 50 years ago.
Every person who cannot fully take care of themselves, will assuredly suffer in certain ways, depending on how much they are unable to advocate for their own needs, every day. The quality of care provided by those paid, will depend in immediate ways, on how feeling-full and conscious and self-aware, and intelligent the care-giver is. And how deeply their concern runs, in all their actions, all day long.
Training, and rules and procedures cannot quite “fix” a person’s inattention to the details of what’s going on with a patient. And if the patient is in declining health, and caregivers are overworked and underpaid, then along with their distraction, and lack of a real, personal connection to a patient — you can bet the patient is “going down”, and would be better off being taken care of by someone who actually cares about their life, even with less technical medical knowledge. Which unfortunately, is often not possible or realistic.
This is a function of most people “primarily looking out for themselves, all the time”.
Vicki, thanks for catching up on all my posts even though no one is obligated to read them. I just want to make one quick note for now: The nursing home where dad stayed immediately after his first hospital discharge (where he was short on painkillers and likely developed the horrid crater of a bedsore) was extremely short-staffed. There were four large wing hallways of patient rooms much like spokes on a wheel surrounding a central circular nurses’ station.
When I applied massive pressure to have the local doc deliver more painkillers the first night dad arrived, I stood around the nurse’s station and only witnessed maybe two on-duty nurses ‘working the rooms’ from what I estimate at least 80 rooms.
Even the youngest nurse, in her twenties, looked thoroughly exhausted.
I really think some employees are absolutely trying their hardest based on what I witnessed, while others apathetically just want a paycheck. Combine that with greed from upper management to cut staffing costs compounding the whole issue.
The idea of my dad being in a nursing home was like mixing oil and water, anyway. He was never going to thrive in such a setting, only quickly deteriorate. Yeah I know that’s a separate and individual matter, but still a painful set of memories dad would have wanted me to move on from as quickly as possible. “Take care of YOURSELF!”, he still screamed at me from his earliest weeks after the leg fracture.
I originally came here today (but then got distracted by all I read), to post a quote I saw this week, by Carl Sagan:
“One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back.”
from “The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark”, which I have not read, but may.
That’s a popular Sagan quote, yeah. Even babies have been posting it: https://twitter.com/Ala_CartOgraphy/status/1331847722157150209
I just came across this article that I found wise, candid, insightful and funny…..all at the same time! No easy task, considering the subject matter. Titled, “Wokeness, White Allyship, and Respect—Self-declarations and niceness are inadequate responses to white-body supremacy,” I think you’ll find it interesting:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/somatic-abolitionism/202111/wokeness-white-allyship-and-respect?utm_source=ActiveCampaign&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Somatic+Abolitionism+%26+Resmaa+Menakem+-+Oct++Newsletter&utm_campaign=December+Newsletter
So how is your stepfather doing? Has he stabilized since your article? Any future plans in mind for him?
I use the phrase ‘since your article’ as meaning ‘since you presented your article to us’.
Hi Ugg, thanks for asking. My stepdad has stabilized…..as much as he can be stabilized with late-stage dementia. Thankfully, his blood sugar level is monitored every day and he gets insulin regularly. I have learned that “pocket” is not just noun; it is a verb as well. He sometimes “pockets” his food in his mouth, rather than swallow it, which, apparently, is a common symptom of late-stage dementia. I think it’s connected to the brain not sending the signal for the muscles in the mouth to swallow.
BTW, one of the things I’ve found most interesting about being with him is that sometimes he seems to really understand what is being said to him when he is alert…..something about his eye contact and the way he nods his head. For example, the other day, I took him in his wheelchair for a walk through the long-term care facility/hospital he is in. It publishes a magazine called “Brain Matters” and copies are around for people to read. I thought I’d see if he was interested in looking at it. Not only did he seem interested but when I read about the research and fundraising the hospital was doing connected to dementia, I would stop reading and explain to him that this is what he had. He would look at me and nod his head in way that suggested he was taking this in or that he understood. Of course, there’s no way to know for sure and it could just be my hope and wish that he understood.
Renee, maybe you already thought of this before, but one potentially helpful approach towards figuring out if your stepdad may have understood his condition might be to look back to your previous interactions with him. Were there times when he was actively DIS-interested in a topic you were discussing with him earlier? If he was simply nodding his head at everything you said all the time, then sadly yes I would be more inclined to believe he wasn’t comprehending you very well. If he had differing reactions to different topics you raised with him earlier, then I would take it as a positive sign he understood you when you brought up the dementia topic with him.
As an aside, there are many deep scientific and philosophical mysteries surrounding the barrier between subjective personal experiences and a corporeally detached observer, yet again you may already have a grasp of this anyway.
In the meantime, I hope you continue to post here when you are able.
hi all,
I might not attend Zoom group tonight, as I am very tired of the stress of struggling with a heating system which is failing several hours every day.
had a technician over last Thursday who examined the system and made some adjustments, told me to try it out for a while and to give a call if necessary.
the kettle made less noise but still failed every day , sometimes for 3 hours, sometimes for more.
one consolation is that so far it worked well every night, that is from about 10 until morning at least.
yesterday though I contacted the company again and asked to send me back the same technician, as I liked the way we communicated.
he was listening very well to everything I told him about my experiences with the system, sounds, drips of water , sounds of bubbles of air or other weird things etc.
he will come over again on Thursday they told me.
this week it will get much colder here still, like freezing temperatures, so I hope it gets solved soon and adequately.
the cats don’t like the cold and neither do I , it makes me feel miserable, tense and unsafe.
I got two electrical heaters, small and better than nothing, and a hot water bottle for in emergencies, but when it freezes it would still be terrible, high ceilings and single big windows, cracks everywhere and cat doors inviting icy winds to blow indoors…
some good news of the last few days is that my brother told me he will come over on December 24 to pick me up for a visit to our mom in the afternoon.
a big relief, as I had only organized visits to her on Tuesdays so far , and all my other family would have celebrations without me during the weekend.
I felt bad in case I would have had to spend these days on my own, and my mom would have had no visits from Tuesday till Tuesday.
so I pondered going to her by taxi during the weekend for a visit, but now that is solved as I can go see her with my brother on Friday so that will be my xmas festivity so to say.
and like every day celebrating here with the cats how we enjoy each others company of course.
and an extra treat for them, fish or chicken or cat nibbles…
so well, happy holidays already to everyone,
me and cats
I can relate to you on the cold making you feel tense, unsafe, and miserable. I have my home set at 60 degrees F (between 15 and 16 centigrade) at all times. 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. Strictly a money saving measure since no multi-million dollar settlements or government assistance are forthcoming for me, unlike what so many others receive..
I found some of my old socks from many years ago in a bag. Since they already had holes in them I made sure there was one small hole for a thumb and one large hole to fit four fingers in each sock so I can wear improvised fingerless gloves to keep my hands warm here at home. It helps.
Guru,
that sounds like a dire situation you’re in, and pretty uncomfortable.
There’s no disputing I’m in better shape than all the billionaires and centi-millionaires who’ve died before me, at least.
Happy holidays Margaret. I hope you get your heat fixed. We’ve been behind at my house getting ready for Christmas, but things are shaping up. Both sons will be with us, and the younger one will bring his girlfriend, which will add to the fun.
Phil
Something I read today, which will likely be a familiar reminder to all here:
“People always say, like, “I want to mute the the sadness” or “I want to mute the pain,” and it’s like: You can’t mute the pain and then also feel joy. If you mute one aspect of your emotional experience, you’re going to mute all of that. There’s like one mute button. So, if you mute the pain, you mute the joy.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2021/11/how-to-prioritize-joy-lorigottlieb-arthurbrooks-happiness-2021/620787/?utm_source=pocket-newtab
From my own personal past experience you will never see me question the haunting depth of grieving emotions in this old classic song. So much so, in fact, that I wonder whether it was ‘over the top’ in terms of histrionics to where it unnecessarily worsens the plight of depressive people overall. I honestly don’t know where the line is drawn between feeling and unhealthy hyper-emotionality.
When Sinead sings ‘…nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling. Tell me baby, where did I go wrong?’ with such a piercingly authoritative pleading, it leaves me with a breathlessly overpowered “Whew!!”.
In my younger more impressionable years right around the time I started reading Janov, it left me in a prostrate little boy puddle I couldn’t readily unfurl myself from so I can rise up and dance to the daily demands of our military-industrial overlords.
I completely understand Janov’s description of the depression mechanism such that depression is global repression of unfelt feelings (New Primal Scream 1991). As it likely did for many other people that song activated intense feelings, making me and perhaps many others more depressed as I needed to repress everything quickly coming to the surface for personal contemporary safety. I can only deal with one bit at a time instead of a huge onrush of a bunch of feelings, forcing me to hold down everything so I can sort out where to begin.
It’s a drag that I cannot process everything needed there, yet it’s nice to know of potential therapeutic gateways when one can find them.
Guru, I liked this when Sinead did it, and still think it’s very good. But after that she “went weird” and lost me. It doesn’t depress me, as I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way about anyone. I have doubt that I’m capable of feeling it.
Much of my “down” feelings are just about being terribly alone, not having anyone, feeling I’m not knowing why I can’t connect with anyone — except my mother was “never really my mother”, I had nothing to lose, as we weren’t connected. I have too many feelings about her wanting me dead, actively hating me, wanting to make me feel like I wanted to die, wanting to make me feel her pain and hurt, taking out her anger at her miserable life, on me, blaming me for how bad she felt. That stuff goes on and on. I do have a few small nice memories, but the years of daily angry abuse dominates all my memories of her.
Vicki, I’m sorry you had such a tough time with your mother over so many years. I remember your telling me even when we buddied a long time ago how mean she could be. A part of me wanted to immediately ‘help improve the situation’ by bringing up your siblings (one of whom I personally met and liked from my limited knowledge) and saying, “You got along well with them, didn’t you? Did that help stabilize things?” More appropriately, though, I should probably step back and allow things to just be what they were and accept your mother didn’t seem to be a nice, warm person at all you could turn to in times of stressful need. A part of me wishing I could help you with that, when there is really nothing to be done. I also gathered the sense that your dad was tightly bonded with her in a demonic sort of way where they both were deleterious to your well-being, though I could be wrong about this since I didn’t remember a lot of things you told me about him.
I hate to shift topics towards Sinead away from something so important and personal for you; it feels jarring when I do this….but I have to respond to what you were saying there, too. I don’t have a strong affinity or dislike towards Sinead. It just so happens that I listened to a LOT of different music from a lot of different artists when I was younger, and that song was a smashing grieving song which was a perfect storm for me in some ways. I first listened to it a lot when my dad’s aunt (a secondary caretaker for me) died not long after ‘Nothing Compares 2 U” was released. I drove back to my Minneapolis birthplace quite a bit during that time, listening to the song and realizing Prince wrote it, and even more startled knowing my mom’s parents lived only a short distance away from Prince’s Paisley Park compound.
I do remember Sinead’s controversial troubles during the years after all this, including when people were mortified at her tearing up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live. She also apparently had some mental health crises of her own in recent years, as well. I do feel somewhat sympathetic towards her in that vein.
That sounds like your dad’s aunt, your secondary caretaker, was a big loss for you.
I mean her passing must have been a loss for you since she was a big part of your life.
Sylvia, everything you briefly touched upon is true. She was wonderfully sweet elderly lady and a joyously unflappable social butterfly. Right now, though, my brain is racing too hard to dive deep into this. My apologies.
I do need to contact you with a question on a different matter soon. Would you be OK with this?
Okay to email me, Guru. 🎄
For tonight I only can add that those pilgrimages to Minneapolis were my desperately trying to clawback, or recapture old sensations of my ‘original mommy’ and to find some deep answers no one was aiding me with. For lack of a better way to put it, it was a series of archaeological pilgrimages trying to excavate answers from beautifully sanitized ruins pasted over by a busy society long ago.
I wanted to mention something about the first $500 theft from my dad at the nursing home. This was discussed a couple weeks ago, I think. It is important for me to add that I was not the one who called the police on the matter,. Of course I would have done so at the time, but the nursing home staff called me early one morning to explain what happened. Four different employees had to interview the police on the matter before I was even aware of it. Late night theft, early morning police interviews, and then they finally called me close to lunchtime the following day.
Since I’ve posted so much on here on the blog with so much yakking, I had the feeling that some people would think I would hysterically ‘toot my own horn’ and call the cops at the drop of a hat, as well. I was actually among the last people to know of the theft many hours after police were already
involved with it.
When the police were talking to dad after I arrived on the scene, dad was still in the early weeks of his final 85-day drama and he was almost completely like his old self except that he couldn’t move. He told the police he wanted to decline to pursue the matter further as he said “I have much bigger fish to fry, the cancer has spread to my hip, and I am dying so I need to work on that.”
Yes that was extremely frustrating as both the police and I wanted to aggressively pursue some leads. Three different employees witnessed the money dad kept on him. Dad just said, “Let it go.” And so we did as he wished despite the frustration.
I certainly understand he just wanted peace and reflection elsewhere.
So why am I talking about this so close to Christmas? Because it was Christmas night 2018 when dad’s internal fracture occurred, necessitating that first 911 call. So yeah it’s an anniversary of something terrible for me.
Maybe this is a compelling argument for me to convert to Judaism so I can ignore Christmas from now on.
The last book dad wanted and read was Louis Pojman’s Philosophy of Religion: An Anthology a month before his fracture. I managed to retrieve it from his nursing home belongings when I took him home for his last week of life. It’s a pretty expensive and densely intellectual purple paperback book. 75 bucks on Amazon.
Guru, that’s a terrible anniversary. I hope you can find a way to enjoy the holidays anyway. I’ve finally completed just about all the things I wanted to, to make things nice for these days.
Merry Christmas
Phil
Thanks Phil, much appreciated on that one. It sounds as though your Christmas is going well, so good on you for that. It was fairly late at night (9 PM or so) on X-Mas night when dad’s leg gave out. It just felt like an insult because dad was a fairly religious guy who never hurt anybody, so yeah it felt as though if there was a God he wanted to punish us for some senseless reason.
my brother came over at noon to then drive to our mom together.
I had prepared well, gifts ready, clean place, and full of good intentions to make it a nice afternoon.
I had planned to not tell him about my problems with my heating system, fearing it would turn into one more discussion about moving to a service flat or not.
but right before he arrived, literally minutes, my heating device gave for the first time a real flashing alert, a sign it will turn itself off completely if something is not taken care of right away!
I knew this signal, with luckily is so big I can see it, from a few years ago.
I tried my remedy that worked back then, adding water to increase the inner pressure of the heating kettle, at first it seemed to work, but not well enough, so I added more pressure, and it restarted its normal functioning one minute before the doorbell rang.
i was so hyper by then that after the greetings and some pleasant talk, i just told him the whole story, about me having asked over the technician from the company that sells the devices, two weeks ago and a second time last week.
about my message to Gregor, the janitor, to keep him posted and after finding out my message had tracked him down all the way to Oezbekistan where he was visiting his family. he replied and also gave me my new landlord’s contact number.
so I contacted him too, for the first time, and ended up getting his mail address and e-mailing him the examination file from the technician.
his message , the technicians, was clear: urgent adjustments need to be made to the external chimney pipe and two irregular water pipes need to be replaced, as otherwise condensing water will destroy the kettle in a few years .
so now I have done all of that, it is up to the landlord to send people to do that, as the heating device technician won’t replace any internal part of the machine until those external things are fixed and stop causing trouble.
my brother reacted well, I had started off telling him how pleased I was with myself from having been so proactive .
I also told my brother I had not planned to tell him all of this but that I really liked the way he reacted.
and the rest of the afternoon went equally well, kindness, warmth, and tenderness towards our mom.
and a long walk with mom part of it resting in the wheelchair, but singing all the way.
we all enjoyed it and this time we reconnected , the care my brother has and the warmth between us was clearly there, the best xmas gift I could think of, the three of us having a nice loving day together…
and to top things off, my place was and is still warm so far!
it is clear though the heating needs fixing soon!
love to all of you, and very best wishes, Margaret and cats
Margaret, it really seems as though your landlord is going to have a HUGE repair bill ahead with fixing both internal and external components. At least it seems as though your heating system will still chug along through the rest of the winter if the kettle won’t die out for a few years. Sounds like a spring or summer 2022 project.
Vicki,
I was surprised to read that you feel you can’t connect.
I always felt you are very good in connecting.
for me your honesty and straight forwardedness feel refreshing and I have learned a lot from those qualities of yours right from the start when we got to know each other.
even while I got intimidated some of the time, it also feels safe to be able to trust in the honesty of what you say, and to experience you are also a very generous person.
i think so many retreat participants have enjoyed connecting with you every time, and have learned a lot as well in the process.
i for one am glad to know you and grateful for the friendship that exists.
margaret
Thanks, Margaret, your message is a nice counterbalance to how lost, alone, and a “waste of space” that I’ve been feeling for days, especially the last two days — and in spite of my actually doing well in being productive, and catching up more in taking care of things, while on holiday from work right now. My emotional stability seems like a constantly moving target, running from peace to hysteria multiple times a day. Not fun. You come back to return kindness to me, in spite of sometimes having to receive my impatience, which I know is hard. Again, thanks. I enjoyed your account of your visit with your brother and mother, very much.
Vicki, I’m glad Margaret was able to help you out. Sorry I wasn’t able help much. My own circumstances demand that I be in ‘self-care’ mode to the point where others would plausibly view me as frustratingly selfish, with my not being able to offer as much love and care from me as they would like. I’m bumping up against some hard limitations which are very difficult to surmount.
My ability to be an emotionally fulfilling bundle of joy is sadly limited at this stage.
Not a problem, Guru, your concern comes through, in your response — thanks.
Happy Holiday and a very Happy New Year! Gretch and Barry
2021 is drawing to a close and the Guru has a story. When I was a young child around 6 years old…..my dad’s aunt opened up a savings account for me with $50 deposited. Every year for my birthday and for Christmas my dad’s aunt gave me $100. I religiously put every penny into the savings account. It was a young thrill for me watching the money grow with interest over a period of years.
About 8 years along the way I became a teenager and I had my heart set on a new Apple IIc computer. Snazzy for 1984. I cried and bawled when my dad forced me to pay the $1,400 for the computer out of my carefully built savings account (yes, it was $1,400 for an Apple IIc in 1984 dollars). I did nothing but play games on it like a child, a degenerate of sorts. Maybe only once I used it for a science fair project.
Why do I cry about this today? Because if I had put the $1,400 in Apple stock instead of the computer to thrill my inner child, my adult self would be thrilled watching that $1,400 become $3 million today without lifting a finger on my part.
Instead, my dad noticed I tended to be apathetic in my early life, spiritless, so on a whim he suggested I use the remaining $1,000 in the savings account to buy Lazy Boy furniture stock. It made about $400 (40% return) before I got bored, cashed out, and started experimenting with drugs and alcohol with the proceeds.
Happy New Year I guess,
Not too long after the computer purchase, maybe a year or so, I also made it a point to buy this strange gray rectangular slab from Apple. The slab was a 1200 baud modem you literally put a rotary or touch-tone phone on top of.
As a teenager I instinctively knew “This is going to be something important, but I don’t really know why. So I’d better buy it.”
The 1200 baud slab was dead weight I never used at the time, since the Internet wasn’t beginning to become used by the general public until eight years later.
A lot of the holes in my teenage understanding would have been filled with my mother’s support, since she was significantly involved in mainframe computing for the finance industry ten years before my Apple purchases. Only I didn’t know this at the time. All I knew is that this dinky 1200 baud modem is going to be something important.
Staring at that modem was a really frustratingly unactionable scene for me, feeling I was completely excluded, neutered, and compromised for reasons I couldn’t begin to grasp at the time. It started to spur deep, troubling questions for myself and about the totality of my life to which I couldn’t begin answering.
OK that left me crying.
Guru, have you read Edward Snowden’s book “Permanent Record”? I am in the midst of it, and like it very much; he is some years younger than me, but a lot of his tech. knowledge, and when and how he gained it, I find familiar. I think you would like it.
Vicki, I do have passing familiarity with Snowden’s spying story, but I’ve never occasioned to read his book, though. In case I wasn’t clear about it, I wasn’t crying about technology studies, it was rather the tragically self-defacing questions I started asking myself. Since I had no clue as to what was wrong, I reflexively began to doubt myself with questions such as “Am I smart enough to put this modem to good use?”, “Am I socially acceptable enough to be a modem user?”, “Will girls like a nerd who’s at the computer desk rather than the athletic studs?” It never occurred to me that if my mother was standing in front of me asking myself such questions she likely would have rolled her eyes and said, “Come on! OF COURSE you’re good enough, silly.” and proceed to help me with further studies.
It was all these absurd and painfully ignorant questions I started asking myself when I had no idea what was really wrong at the time, when the ultimate truth warranted far more cynical and perhaps angry questions I only could ask many years later.
I was crying for the teenage kid who harmed himself all kinds of unnecessary garbage questions centered around self-esteem not knowing any better at the time.
(correction) harmed himself *with all kinds of unnecessary….
Guru, yes I understood that’s what you wrote about. Snowden went through those questions too, and his dad helped him, although his mom didn’t — but she didn’t die, either; instead, they got divorced.
Vicki, I’m really glad you engaged with me at least somewhat on my old story. It’s a hugely important early story for me because of the extreme ‘impostor syndrome’ sensations I was going through, and how I was constantly beating myself up with terribly self-effacing questions over it.
By all accounts my mom and dad were a loving couple both forging their own independent career paths. Unfortunately, dad was not nearly as computer proficient as mom was. He was still in the slide rule era in the 80’s, so I was the one who had to introduce computing to the family..and I really didn’t have any conscious grasp on why I was doing so..
This is actually a very upsetting story for me which left me waking up this morning feeling angry over it.
Or, better yet, if my mother was standing there while I questioned my ability to use the modem, she would have explained how her workplace was already using the early rudiments of the internet during the 1980’s at either a corporate, educational, or governmental mainframe. It would have lent me social validation instead of being left alone with acidic, festering questions of self-doubt which never seemed to go away.
This is part of the damages from a massive lawsuit I never knew I should have filed.
this new year’s eve feels very gloomy to me.
except the company of my cats not much to cheer me up.
some audio books to listen to, maybe a few things on tv that are not too crazy and phony…
called my mom at about 4, but she was sleepy and a bit confused and seemed a bit down as well.
the chat was ok but not making me feel better really.
just so sad and lonely and without much hope…
heating system behaved well since xmas but just now stopped giving warmth, for the moment anyway.
hopefully it will restart doing what it should do soon…
hang in there for those with similar feelings and enjoy yourselves and appreciate the good things for those having fun tonight.
sigh, we still have to make the best of things in any case, for ourselves and if possible for others…
happy 2022 , me and cats
Margaret, I hope your heating system is working better. So, the new year is soundly upon us all now, we have to wonder what it will bring. My cats are a comfort too, and there are young ones here since their feral mother left them when they were 3 months old. They are 7 months now. They fly through the room with their youthful energy. It’s been cold, with freeze warnings for a week, so we all stay bundled up.
I hope your mother is doing well. Happy New year! and take care.
S 😺😸😾
Margaret,
Sorry I didn’t see this comment. New Years Eve was very quiet for us too. We had plans to go out but the event was canceled, which was probably for the best. Omicron is really peaking around here. My boss told me just now that currently 50% of the patients in our local hospital are there because of covid. It would be a bad time to have any other kind of major health issues.
Our sons were around, but they were out doing things with there friends. At least no one is sick.
Phil
Vicki meant no harm in the concept I’m about to mention at all when she responded to me in her post about Snowden today (a lot of people unconsciously do this aforementioned concept), but I wanted to take a moment to bring up some of the gaslighting potential underneath the umbrella definition of the word ‘die’.
Both of these circumstances fall under the global definition of the word ‘die’
–A 101 year-old man, robust throughout his years, falls asleep and passes away with a smile on his face ruminating on a long life well lived
–A six year old girl hops and skips on a neighborhood sidewalk, only to have a small Cessna plane crash land on her, pulverizing her body into a thousand flaming pieces.
Both of these people ‘died’, yes, but can people see the dramatic difference? And how, since the word ‘die’ encompasses both instances, the word ‘die’ can later be used for manipulative gaslighting potential in future conversations?
This is why I used the word ‘killed’ more often than most when one dies in violent circumstances, so as to help eliminate the gaslighting potential.
There is a tsunami of covid cases hitting the US, a new daily record of over 1 million cases was reported, and those are just the ones diagnosed by tests. Our local hospital is discharging patients without covid to make room for all the covid cases, and to prevent those patients from also getting it. It’s on it’s way to becoming a covid hospital.
Our youngest son is vaccinated and he says he got his booster, which he needs because of an upcoming trip. But this past weekend he was complaining that we bullied him into doing that. He was talking about anti-vaccine info he’s been seeing on the internet. Some other incidents have us worried about him.
I’m afraid it’s the unvaccinated people, or under vaccinated, that are the main reason covid is still spreading.
People are also still rebelling about masks. What is so hard about wearing a mask, of it’s required and important for public health? I just don’t get that. I agree it’s annoying, but much worse is being hospitalized with covid.
Phil
Phil,
that is difficult to deal with I guess.
I can understand it worries you.
Sylvia,
your home sounds so cozy, I wish we were neighbors, that might be fun, and we could exchange many cat stories and some dog ones…
M
Margaret, that would be fun to be neighbors. This area is a beckon for lost cats. My friend and neighbor two doors up and around the corner and I share a side fence and we share cats, meaning the ones here go over to her yard to hunt. There is a ladder on each side. They like her yard. She brings a big bag of cat food over monthly to feed the ones I’ve tamed, and the untamed unapproachable hissy ones. I’m trying to talk her into taking one of the 7 month old kitties. She has 3 indoor cats. What’s one more, Hah.
Take care, Margaret. 😺😺😺 S
Beacon; not beckon. I love dogs, too, Barry. 😾🐶
S
Yeah, I know you do Sylvia, but your bum must be sore from sitting on the fence. Be honest now, what got your emotional juices flowing more, ‘Old Yeller’ or ‘Garfield: the Movie’ ?
Just campaigning, Barry
Barry, Oh no! did Garfield die in that movie? I learn so much from both cats and dogs. They have taught me to be gentle and aware of their needs. I love them both…no fence sitting; they both have their good qualities. 😺🐶
I know they do, it’s just that I ‘get’ dogs, cats are way too deep. I can’t handle anything that can scorn me with such easy disdain, growls I can deal with.
Barry
ps. Plus dogs are WAY better at fetch!
Happy New Year everyone!
Barry
p.s. Did I ever mention how dogs are way cooler than cats?
Happy New Year Barry! Someone gave me two dog related gifts. One was a pillow that says “ if the dog makes you uncomfortable I would be happy to put you outside” and the other was a dish that said “ my therapist has a wet nose !” Ha ! Gretch
Ha indeed! Is it true that if you scratch a therapist on ‘its’ belly his/her leg shakes? Inquiring minds want a video!
Happy New Year Gretch, to you and all my Primal heroes.
Barry xo
HAH !!!
cats will do in a pinch
by the way, trees and other things know what to do.
grow from a seed, get bigger, drop new seeds. and celebrate. blowing in the wind in l.a. spring here just as winter had barely begun Madonna – Holiday [Official Music Video]
Barry M, I saw this on Facebook posted by Maks Viktor Antiquarian Books, and thought of sending it to you.
“My son asked me, ‘Where does poo come from?’ I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, ‘And Tigger?'”
That’s a ‘p-Oops’ moment there, I believe.
Vicki…something much more somber of note…you and I were talking about Sinead just two weeks ago around Christmas here on the blog, with some emphasis on her iconic grieving song from 30 years ago and, now it seems her 17 year-old son was just discovered having committed suicide.
I don’t know, coincidences such as these start to mess with my head a little.
I mean, I could have picked ANY point in time from the last ten years on the blog (520 weeks) to post Sinead’s grieving song and to have some further discussion on it with you, but why only two weeks before such a shattering event for her instead of any of the previous 518 weeks I’ve been here on the blog? I feel weirded out by these things.
Are you afraid it means there is something other than “coincidence”, going on? I don’t. I would have to go down an unfathomable rabbit-hole of mental-gymnastics worrying, to spend any energy on that — and I still have way more interesting things to read. So my mind just discards any attention to it. It is just sad for her, as well as her son.
Sorry Guru, I’m with Vicki on this one. Sinead’s song and voice are beautiful, and her son’s death tragic, but I don’t believe that your post 2 weeks earlier was anything but happenstance. I watched an old episode of Golden Girls a few days before Betty White died, and I’d hate to think that that nudged the universe into taking the old gal out. Vicki’s rabbit hole would be deep indeed.
We think your post was just a pleasant reminder and nothing more, but then Vicki and I are more Mr. Spock than Oprah 🙂
Agree; I bought a vintage Monkees LP and a cassette, at a 2nd hand store and on returning to my car, 1st news item, Davey Jones death; never before or since have I seen one.A few years back I was walking across a retailer parking lot when the lit end of a guy’s cigarette was blown off by the wind and into my hair. ” What’s the odds for that?” I asked the guy. He answered that they’re about the same as the odds against it happening. The luck of the draw.My friend, Agnes, quit playing all games of chance with cash or prize awards. She always won.
Thanks, Barry. You got that right. Indeed.
I view it as the synchrosity of the universe. I’ve noticed some of these coincidences as an adult. I think I mentioned it when Bernadette was talking about faith and God. Some times these things are happy events and sometimes they are sad. People talk about celebrities passing in clusters of three or four. I usually dread it a little when those begin. Seems like there is a rhythm to things, or a pattern, or sequence, but then it could just be a coincidence.
S 😔
Funny Vicki. I’ll bet A. A. Milne thought there might be a few jokes of that ilk when he named him Winnie the ‘Phew’ Did you know Winnie was named after a Canadian black bear that was taken by a soldier to London as a regimental mascot. He named him Winnipeg and left him in the London Zoo when he went off to France in the war.
I did not know about the Canadian black bear from Winnipeg, that inspired Winnie-the-pooh. Excellent! I love learning new things!
If you like , search Youtube or https://www.wearethemighty.com/popular/winnie-the-pooh-canadian-veterinarian/ for the Winnie origin story.
Not part of the story, but a cutsie funny sent me by a friend:
” Grandmother, where does poo come from ?” She said she offered an age appropriate answer for a 6 year old. Silence, then, ” So, then, where does Eeyore and Tigger come from ?”
I think there is an important lesson here for aspiring authors. Don’t name any of your characters Poo or Poop. It just isn’t a good idea despite the success of these stories. There are loads of way cooler names you can go with.
Phil
Now now, I think you’re being a party pooper, Phil.
Being a personal assistant to every detail of a king’s defecation needs was a hot career track for noble aspirants back in the 1600’s. A ‘groomer of the stool’ they were called:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groom_of_the_Stool
Guru, there’s a new field of study called toilet psychology which you might be interested in. https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-25/edition-6/toilet-psychology
Oh don’t be fooled into thinking I’m interested in this stuff. It’s a lot of crap to me.
poo, poo, it’s, ” POOH,”; hee hee.. At a visit to the zoo, where A.A.Milne met the Canadian black bear called Winnie, he named the bear in his,” Christopher Robin,” story Winnie the Pooh. ‘Pooh’ was taken from a swan called Pooh that Milne had met on holiday! Not sure if it was Mine or the swan who was on holiday. SUPERMAN is also of Canadian origin, as is Basketball… ( It seems Canadian inventors have always failed to recognize gold mines…) I could go on and on about how Canada became the most powerful country in the world….. But you know that, “Another Canadian Heritage Moment, “… so thar… pooh , pooh, pooh…
True Phil, but I don’t think ‘Winnie the Excrement’ would have been a big seller.
Barry, no, and I’m not sure what a toilet psychologist would have to say about all this.
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-25/edition-6/toilet-psychology
Is that your house, Phil? I thought you’d already had your renos done! 🙂
“toilet psychology,” some might say, ‘ a crock o’ shit,’…. { (:
Phil here’s a decent sax solo for you towards the end of this song since you like this sort of thing (not bad in my opinion either):
Thanks Guru,
Here’s a song I’m working on. I can play the basic melody, which isn’t hard, and improvise, but nothing like this.
Phil, it’s interesting how you and I are so different in many ways. Throughout my life I’ve had zero interest in playing musical instruments or having pets. The idea of having children was completely out of the question for me. Maybe I was too profoundly disturbed at how hopelessly chaotic and morally bankrupt our society really is despite its orderly presentation to the casual observer.
Maybe pets and musical instruments seemed like useless clutter to me only standing in the way of finding real, meaningful answers I sorely needed for my life. I’m not sure. They just never held any real appeal to me.
I mean, I’ll certainly be compassionate towards animals. I’m happy to play with someone else’s pet (not menacing dogs, though) for a few hours during a visit, no problem. But to OWN a pet and be emotionally committed? Nah. Maybe a hamster, but I would feel bad leaving one in a restrictive, caged environment instead of letting it roam in nature (too easy to lose at that point).
Guru, in the past I suggested snails as low maintenance pets for someone like you.
Not only that, certain snail shells can be used as musical instruments. I can’t make it any
easier than that, we would then be even, almost identical.
https://spinditty.com/instruments-gear/Conch-Cells-As-Musical-Instruments
Phil
On having kids, well pets serve that function in many people’s lives.
I find that really sad Guru. As a pet owner for a lot of my life (5 dogs), I’ve found them to be such an astonishingly easy way to both give and receive love, something that someone who has lost a parental love might be interested in. Sure, you have to feed and walk them, and maybe pick up the odd puppy poo (can we all PLEASE get off that subject) but oh, what you get in return. The love just IS, right off the bat, both ways. AND they don’t question you, argue with you, lie to you, hide their emotions from you, steal your booze, nothing! How many human loved ones can you say that about? I honestly wish everyone at least once had a dog (or yes, a cat) at some point in their lives.
It is crappy when they die though. (Oh Jeez, here we go again.)
This opens the door to a highly complex, extraordinarily lengthy, and multi-faceted discussion I just don’t have the energy for. It’s not a condemnation of yourself as a person, Barry, when I say it would require an enormous amount of painstaking effort to broach a greater level of mutual understanding.
I’d rather sit quietly by a candle, figure out some more things for a while. Lots of worries on my mind, and a pet would simply be an albatross for me now.
Why would a complex, lengthy and multi-faceted discussion be a condemnation of me, as a person or otherwise, unless you’re implying that I have an intellectual inability to participate. If that is the case, then I can assure you Guru that while I may not have achieved superstar status, I have actually got me some edjucasiun. I don’t need any mutual understanding, greater or lesser, I was simply responding to your posts which made me feel sad. Your last two sentences don’t change that.
My words of ‘a condemnation of you as a person’ was exactly intended to convey that you DO have the intellectual capacity to grasp everything I would say if I had the unlimited energy to write out 200 pages pouring from the heart.
I just don’t have the energy to dive deep into all this stuff.
I don’t necessarily look at lack of pet ownership as a sad thing. It could be construed as somewhat ‘kick ass’ for a lot of reasons. Again, this could lead to a lot of ‘rabbit holes’ in a conversation, to coin the phrase from Vicki earlier.
I know this is not an English grammar classroom, but I still cringed a little upon re-reading my previous post’s first sentence, sloppily putting down the word ‘was’ instead of ‘were’. Alternatively, I could have left the word ‘was’ alone and replaced ‘words’ (plural) with ‘phrase’ (singular).
When I write quickly, I grammatically become careless and sloppy.
Guru, your responses to Barry just seem like BS, especially when you add “if I had the energy to dive deep into all this stuff”. You’re just teasing us that you have so much more to say, but no ENERGY or TIME to say it? Bullshit! You’re not interested enough to speak your own actual responses, and would rather leave us with that not-profound mystery. Or you’re too afraid to say what’s on your mind, as seems true, chronically. You always have plenty of time to write, when you want to initiate something — and you do exactly that, regularly. But you react as if frightened and defensive, when responding to just about anyone. I don’t always feel this way about you — I’m just tired of it, today. It reminds me of someone who, when you ask them a simple question requiring only a simple Yes or No, is unwilling to commit even that far, turning everything into an ordeal. Where obfuscation IS the goal. You don’t want a pet, that is simple enough.
Vicki, I thought I was already being reasonably straightforward when I told Phil I might consider a hamster, but that has its own complications as I already explained.
OK, since you’re upset about this, I will give a SUPER BRIEF synopsis of the things Barry’s post opened in my mind:
-Barry says pets are an easy source of love. Janov said love is a neurochemical event, Does this mean humans having pets are using unwitting animals as ‘feel good love drugs’ for selfish reasons? Are there any ethical quandaries behind this in general?
-I have plenty of issues just trying to take care of my own day-to-day routine, so incorporating a pet into my life adds more work and complications.
-What if I bring a pet home and regret the decision shortly thereafter? How do I reverse it without harming the animal?
These are just a few issues I didn’t want to take a deep dive in because I lack the energy for a thorough examination as I told Barry. I’m only listing this overview because you seem pissed about it.
Guru, just because Barry’s post caused you to think about all those things, doesn’t mean you can’t respond unless you discuss them all, and whatever else occured to you. That would mean you feel some need to analyze everything to death, before you feel safe enough to respond at all — that you don’t feel safe to respond candidly to anyone, at any time. That is a crazy-making complication to your life — leaving you no time to get anything done. Instead of doing that, you can just repeat that you don’t want a pet now, summarized with, “It would be too much for me to handle, now.” Then you can just move on to pay attention to things in your life, that should have more priority. You don’t owe Barry or the rest of us, more explanation. So you also could have just not responded to Barry, at all — since what you wrote did not constructively add to the conversation, anyway. And I did see that you had mentioned a hamster, but it was still in the end, a negative, so not worth belaboring. And I don’t feel pissed off now, even though I was peeved, earlier.
Barry, I do have a question for you: Are you carnivorous? A meat eater?
I’m also curious to know how Vicki, Gretchen, Margaret, Phil, and Sylvia would answer this question, too, though I think I already know what Sylvia’s answer would be.
SSG, I might be the only one awake right now but I will give my answer. I started being vegetarian in my early twenties for health reasons. I do for the most part eat that way still because it feels healthier for me. I will eat some chicken noodle soup for convenience though or some canned vienna sausage if my body is craving something heavy. Because I don’t regularly partake of a carnivorous or ominivorous diet I’m more aware of animal rights and the death of feeling creatures for food. I can’t bring myself to buy a package of raw hamburger but if I was by a Mc donalds and really really hungry I would eat a hamburger.
And you, Guru, what is your diet preference? And again, why do you want to know about others’ diet?
I will be in bed, so will read the answer of a morning. Don’t stay up on my account to give any answer–feel free to go to sleep.
I haven’t eaten land-based meat for about 15 years. On rare occasions I will have scrambled eggs. Once in a great while I will have fish or shrimp, so for all intents and purposes I’m a pescatarian.
I can’t say I am full vegan because I still eat honey and dairy cheese when I have takeout pizza (pretty much unavoidable, though I drink almond milk otherwise).
I’m constantly scouring the stores for plant-based proteins.
About two years ago or so, I once bought a can of Margaret Holmes Southern Style beans (something like that). I started eating after cooking them and was immediately disgusted and repulsed. After carefully checking the ingredients I overlooked the fine print saying it contained pig pork renderings.
I’ve gone so long without eating land-based meat I could instantly tell how awful it was.
Thank you Guru for your answers to – oh wait, no-one asked. Probably because no-one G.A.S.
OK, so Barry’s angry at me for answering Silvia’s question?
SSG, when I was first “going whole hog,” (hah) being a vegetarian, really into it with a guidance of a vegetarian health practicioner, I would occasionally eat some meat and the affects were noticeable right away. My heart would race and I felt sort of ill and menatally overstimulated with more of a startle reflex. I think that happens to vegetarians when their system is used to a certain type of food regimen and they upset it with the change. So, that may have happened with your pork renderings.
You do not really say why you switched to the vegetarian way of eating. Was it the texture of the meat or the taste, or health reasons or animal welfare reasons?
You mention Osama bin Laden. Didn’t the former Prime Minister of Pakistan, Benazir Bhutto state on record that bin Laden croaked (I think) in 2003, from kidney failure brought on by diabetes?
Was she assassinated for telling the truth, do you think?
Just for the sake of argument, assuming Ms. Bhutto was correct then exactly WHO was killed, if not bin Laden, by American special forces in May 2011? Some poor body double who didn’t know his life had an expiration date?
Just for the sake of argument, if it really WAS bin Laden, why would his body be dumped at sea? If the “government” wanted to squelch any possible future conspiracy theories, then this would be precisely the WRONG thing to do. It would only fuel such conspiracies.
I wish I did a lot of things, including nutrition as well as I used to leave the impression that I did. If I was consistently employing good judgement, ORGANIC plant based nutrition works best for me.
David, you’ve talked about how endangered your own heart health was in the past, so yeah I could see how vegetarianism would substantially help with that. I think former President Bill Clinton had almost completely clogged arteries ready to kill him. From what little I know he gave up meat consumption after surgery and is OK now.
Guru,
I do eat meat, but rarely, so I guess that means I’m carnivorous. I am in the process of reviewing diets which will help with my newly diagnosed high blood pressure condition. It’s easily controlled with a small dose of medication, but I’m not satisfied with that. I’d like to be able to control it more naturally. By the way, I don’t have any pets, but did in the past, carnivorous, vegetarian, and omnivorous ones.
Phil
Phil, thanks for answering my question. Olive oil and lentils are my best suggestion for tacking the blood pressure problem. It goes without saying that watching sodium intake helps here, too. Maybe we do have a few more similarities than I originally thought, given what you said about not having pets right now.
Really, Guru ??? I’m not interested in going there.
Guru, as I have written about my ketogenic diet, more than once, you could safely surmise I am a an omnivore, and that would be correct. It is possible to follow keto dieting and be vegetarian, but not easy. I do have feelings about the animals that I end up eating, but not enough to make me want to stop eating them, as I get enormous benefit to my life from being an omnivore. That is pretty much all I want to say about it, now.
Vicki, I researched a bit more into the keto diet and I can now appreciate the differences between that and the paleo diet Patrick used to talk about. I’m glad keto worked out well for you, though I don’t think it would be optimal for me. Even if meat consumption was not a factor, I must have more of an emphasis on heart protection for a couple of personal reasons which would not be well-suited by a high-fat, low-carb diet.
Well, another pet conversation episode bites the dust. Didn’t we have a similar conversation last January? I think so. See there is a cycle and rhythm to these things. The universe speaks again. I have no doubt that you, Guru, will have a pet some day to clutter up your life. Some gal will come along that you like, with a big or little dog and you will put up with it–or a cat. I do remember when you asked me what to feed a stray cat that came on your porch and by the time you had settled on some food for it, it had gone away. So close to being a pet caregiver. I have no doubt you would take good care of a pet. You have not been imprinted as a kid with caring for pets so it seems it would not be all that unusual to not have an instinctive yearning in your soul to have one. But, there is still time for the universe to throw those curve balls when you are “caught looking.” Strike three. Some mama cat might come on your porch and have her kittens, you never know. =^–^=
I certainly see my share of cats in the neighborhood, and I have a huge possum that loves to burrow a big network of holes under my front porch. Even when forced blocks away by human deterrent, he’s always drawn to this house. He’s a pretty big animal, too. Long term issue spanning five or more years for cousins and I.
I wanted to give a brief, and less-than-fulfilling answer to your earlier question about why I sought vegetarianism.
70% personal health and trying to improve odds of long-term survival
15% animal welfare (as a non pet owner I am distant from the animal world, though I never want to harm or be cruel to them)
15% it feels a bit darkly evil having my stomach be an analogue to an alkaline hydrolysis cremation chamber for body parts once possessed by live, hapless animals
There’s more I could add to this answer, most definitely, including a couple of small childhood scenes relating to a deer and a head of cattle (two separate mundane scenes).
I won’t bore the blog with all that. Maybe I’ll send you a mail about it or something.
If no one minds, I want to edit my last point from the post above to: “It feels darkly sinister and morbid having my own stomach converted to an analogue of an alkaline hydrolysis cremation chamber for body parts once possessed by live, hapless animals,”
Sylvia and Vicki, I want you to know I read all of your recent posts. Much as I ran into with Barry earlier, both of your writings forced me to consider lots of issues running the gamut from Patrick’s keto diet blogging days with his warning that vegetarian diets can cause brain damage, all the way to Richard ‘Iceman’ Kuklinski’s selectively administered psychopathology (ie. kills people for the mob by day, loving dotes on his family by night), and yet even further to a couple of mild Primal scenes related to animal welfare.
Trying to address all these issues would divert way too many cognitive resources away from vital questions of, “How do I make my meal planning work until next Wednesday while I wait out a vicious winter storm wearing old socks on my hands in a sixty degree house?”
That’s a very difficult balancing act for me, so let me take it easy on serious blogging for a few days..yet I will still try to engage lightly as I can for now.
I’m going to write this down so I don’t forget it. I have a weakness for takeout pizza special deals. Veggie pizzas only, but that still doesn’t offer full protection from the occasional times when I can still detect a dead mammal in my pizza, usually grease droplet contamination from other pizza orders cooked nearby with meat toppings.
Ok Guru, you got me. Normally I would not react so quickly to what I consider to be a strange reaction to me seriously having a feeling response to your comment that pets would be useless clutter standing in the way of you finding meaningful answers in your life. I found that sad. I still do.
You didn’t have the energy to delve deeper into a complex, lengthy and meaningful (my word) multi-faceted discussion, and yet you are gung ho into examining whether or not I might enjoy a nice Porterhouse steak. I found that insulting. I still do.
I also don’t necessarily feel that a lack of pet ownership is a sad thing. Many people, I would think, feel that they have enough human love in their lives that they don’t need the extra boost that a pet gives. You don’t appear to be one of them, based on what you post.
You ask, “What if I bring a pet home and regret the decision shortly thereafter? How do I reverse it without harming the animal?” A feeling response could be ‘What if you brought a pet home and you found it to be the best love-filled thing you ever did’? Another response could be ‘Do you eat chocolate? A cacao imbiber?’ I wouldn’t personally get the interrelation, and would feel a disconnect with whoever asked. Wouldn’t you?
The fact that you can find time to rant about finding traces of dead mammals in your veggie pizza but not to discuss things that might improve your life, I again find sad. Don’t you?
Barry, I don’t want you to think I am trying to talk over you or ignore you, but I have a very urgent message I need to give Vicki right away.
Vicki:
You were 1,000% correct in your earlier assessment about me saying:
“Guru, just because Barry’s post caused you to think about all those things, doesn’t mean you can’t respond unless you discuss them all, and whatever else occurred to you. That would mean you feel some need to analyze everything to death, before you feel safe enough to respond at all — that you don’t feel safe to respond candidly to anyone, at any time. That is a crazy-making complication to your life — leaving you no time to get anything done.”
I’ve spent the last three hours of my life trying to formulate the appropriate reply to Barry’s seemingly conciliatory post. I’m exhausted from that. So many factors went through my mind. It’s burning all the glucose from my brain which I sorely need for other activities.
The situation is exacerbated for me because Barry seems like a rough-hewn, abrasive, and volatile man who is easily bristled and offended. Someone whom I must approach carefully.fdwq This adds many new potential avenues of appropriately replying to him and, thus, much more exhausting for me.
Forget the ‘fdwq’ typo in the last paragraph; it was a fat-fingered browser-related error.
Also, I was definitely not complaining or ranting about the takeout pizza. I’ve had takeout pizzas about 50-60 times over the past 3 years (every 3-4 weeks). I’m very GRATEFUL for those pizzas because they give me a break from cooking. I’m utterly sick of cooking every day for years on end. It was not my original destiny.
95 percent of the pizzas I’ve ordered come out perfectly. I posted about the pizzas to follow in the spirit of my earlier post about the Margaret Holmes canned beans having pig rendering in it. After more than a decade of strict vegetarianism I simply found it remarkable unto myself how I am able to detect dead mammals in food even when it’s totally invisible to the naked eye.
When I run into this with a pizza slice, I simply spit out the bite and move on to the rest of the pizza, nothing more. It comes with the territory in a society where the vast majority want meat on pizza.
Just think. the topic above was the LIGHTEST one on the agenda when having a conversation with Barry, going deeper just overwhelms me with exhaustion. Brain glucose completely burned away.
Guru,
maybe the exhaustion you talk about on going deeper in discussions is because you way over think things. Try writing down your first reactions without analyzing a question so deeply. That is more likely to include your true feelings, and keep you engaged. Just an idea.
Phil
Phil, for lack of a better way to explain it my therapy demands a very finely-grained intellectual shearing down to a tearful bleeding for myself rather than a savage barbarian-style conflict.
A very gentle shearing down to a tearful bleed is where I have to go. I was raised by soft teddy bears. Potential conflicts are only destructive for me.
Guru, I guess then you must be a teddy bear yourself. I wasn’t encouraging you to enter into conflicts here, just not to over think your responses.
I love my way of thinking and I don’t want to let it go. Asking me to stop overthinking is like asking me to perform a lobotomy on myself. How is that done?
You seem to be giving me quick responses now, without overthinking. That’s what I’m talking about.
As a result of talking with a buddy last night, I had big feelings this morning. They ended up being mostly about my sister. My childhood family was such a mess, she seemed to be the only healthy one, at least at that time. I needed her help. Also about my mother. Her rapid decline in health was really scary, it changed her mood and behavior in extreme ways. It was a terrible thing to witness.
Phil
Phil, I can appreciate where you’re coming from and can relate to this because of the semi-recent experience of my dad withering from being fully functional (HIGHLY functional) to dying in less than three months. It put me through a meat grinder, as well.
Phil….You and Vicki both brought up excellent points about my overthinking. It disturbs me because it’s clearly based in survival level fear I can’t currently deal with, yet it also hampers my daily functioning to a degree I certainly don’t want, either. I’ll have to think about this some more, being the vicious feedback spiral that it is.
For Vicki: I really need to spend a short time addressing the wondrously perceptive things you said earlier, which I paraphrased in italics earlier this morning.
Unfortunately I am not highly educated in artificial intelligence computing, but I do know some rudiments about decision trees and information gain….and some of the problems I run into with having deep, yet sensibly efficient conversations (or conflicts, for that matter) derive from a converse of the decision tree/information gain paradigm. It might be considered as proactive information cropping (?), I’m sadly not educated enough in this area to be sure.
It’s hard for me to articulate, but let me try this.,..
(Please note this is ONLY a hypothetical! I’m fumbling around with a difficult concept)
Uhh, OK, if I give five clear pages of addressing Barry’s objections on an expedited basis, it helps to close off any potential holes or tangents that Barry may raise if I only present two pages of objections with fewer details. Those unforeseen future objections from Barry may necessitate ten more pages of work from me later. This is a very rough picture of what I mean by proactive information cropping.
….I’d best pay off my credit card bill in full this month (five pages of dialogue to Barry) so I can avoid paying interest by sending the minimum payment (2 pages of dialogue today with 10 pages of future dialogue as interest)
So paradoxically, giving a big load of information and arguments now can nip things at the bud more efficiently instead of necessitating giving much more information addressing unforeseen tangents raised by the objecting party later.
So the problem I struggled with was how to arrange the initial five pages of dialogue efficiently for Barry (full credit card payment) instead of a briefer two pages (minimum credit card payment) which leaves open holes for creative unforeseen tangents raised later by Barry, necessitating an additional ten pages of ‘interest’,
Too much for me, so I gave up, waved the white flag, and declared brain glucose bankruptcy.
And before anyone cracks a joke saying, “You could have saved a lot of glucose and not said SHIT!”, my goal was to leave Barry feeling fully satisfied with my answers at the least cost to myself so everyone was reasonably happy (by struggling to incorporate some form of proactive decision tree information cropping as explained above).
I feel really dumb right now because of a glaring mistake I made. Please replace ALL instances of the word ‘cropping’ from my last few posts with ‘pruning’ so they would read as ‘proactive decision tree pruning’, thank you for your patience with me on this.
Guru, So In other words you are really angry at Vicki and Barry! Gretch
No, not at all. Not at all. I’m certainly not angry at Vicki; why in the world would I be angry at her? She’s written some really helpful stuff for me lately. Even though I’m not thrilled with what’s going on with Barry, I still thought things would be manageable if I engaged in a ‘proactive decision tree pruning’ process as I explained. Vicki was suggesting giving out smaller amounts of information to Barry, and my feeling was that giving out smaller amounts of info would come at a longer-term cost of contentious back-and-forth dialogue adding up to much more than a moderately big ‘up front’ explanation.
I tripped up on this because of the difficulty in trying to anticipate which potential conversational decision tree branches would need pruning the most when conversing with Barry.
So no, it’s not anger (for the most part), just too exhausted to go to the grocery store.
Look, I’m just trying to delve into the true roots of how and what I was thinking when Vicki wrote this (I post again):
“Guru, just because Barry’s post caused you to think about all those things, doesn’t mean you can’t respond unless you discuss them all, and whatever else occurred to you. That would mean you feel some need to analyze everything to death, before you feel safe enough to respond at all — that you don’t feel safe to respond candidly to anyone, at any time. That is a crazy-making complication to your life — leaving you no time to get anything done.”
Until now I was never able to articulate this ‘crazy making complication’ Vicki was describing until I looked at the decision tree pruning method I was trying to do. This is actually therapy for me, as hard as it may seem to believe.
Guru, what I must point out, even though I doubt you will be able to get it at first, is that all the purpose of your “decision tree pruning method” is to pre-emp and prevent what you’re really afraid of — namely, The possibility that Barry will raise an objection to whatever your candid response might have been, had you been fearless enough to express it. You are trying to control the entire conversation, and where it might go, before it happens — so, in other words, you’re afraid to even have the conversation, without enormous mental expenditure in advance, so no wonder you’re exhausted by the idea of even trying! Your over-thinking is continually “doing you in”.
Furthermore, thereby, you are almost unable to see that by being challenged for this crazy effort by Barry & I, you were or are, on some level, angry. So Gretchen is correct, in trying to “cut to the chase” about it.
Vicki, I understood and actually agree with much of what you said, namely that I don’t relish conflicts. Barry seems more comfortable with conflicts than I am. Also, Barry never challenged how I intellectually danced around his latest post, only challenging my carnivore question earlier, it seems.
The carnivore question was simply meant to be a challenge question, not a slap in the face. I will say I was a bit irked when he said my lack of pet ownership was ‘sad;. Personally, I need more of a sense of control that non-pet ownership brings. If I read a book or play a game, I can put down those items whenever I want and come back to them whenever I want. I’m the one in control.
Jerry Seinfeld once joked that if a space alien came down in a UFO above a pet owner scooping after a dog’s excrement, what would be the first impression of who was in control of that scene?
If anyone wants to own a million dogs and eat a million steaks and hamburgers each week, I’m certainly not going to try to stand in his or her way. I just presented my question so it could give people pause for personal life reflection and to see any possible moral or ethical conflicts previously overlooked.
One last thing on the ‘love is a neurochemical event’ ala Janov. In Vietnam and China, dogs are a common cuisine people actually eat, yet dogs are beloved in North America as pets. In India. cows are sacred, yet they are eaten here in North America. This all reminded me a bit of Richard ‘Iceman’ Kuklinski selectively killing some beings (mobsters) but loving others (his family).
The selectivity between loving and killing those of the same species for food or money leaves me fascinated at the disjointedness overall.
If I had known my question was going to create such a powerful emotional response, I would have reconsidered even asking it. I wasn’t looking for blog drama because I don’t even like conflicts.
on an episode of, ” Wok With Yan,” Martin stated that Black Lab puppies were a favourite in the Asian cuisine. I never watched the show again after trying to watch the next program… couldn’t get the image of slaughtering a pup out of my spirit… and yet I hunted deer for years after…. dominants have no problem it seems preying on the, ” lessers.”
I should avoid inviting , “kafoofnaduddles, ” ( a Trumpism,) but was just watching the US Senate leader on the international affairs file expressing concern the the Israeli gov’t has consistently denied their committee access to inspecting conditions attendent to human rights violations in Gaza, which he said conditions are deplorable. No, I didn’t make note of the news provider, maybe NPR; definitely not FOX ‘n’ Friends, nor OAN, soon to be laid to rest, praise be to Santa…..
Gretchen, Vicki; Sylvia et. al. I’m sorry, I can only take so much of this.(and Leslie is going to be really mad at me)
Guru, if someone doesn’t relish conflicts it would probably behoove them to not throw out wounding snippets for people to react to, especially if they are roughly-hewn. By the way, do you consider yourself to be finely-hewn? If so then maybe you meant it as a compliment, my mistake. Let me start with your last post and work backwards.
I’ve already gone over this. Your question in and of itself did not create a powerful emotional response, the asking of it in the midst of an emotional topic seemed almost irrational and is what caused me to react. (Not because you simply answered Sylvia’s question, come on Guru you’re better than that)
No, I never challenged how you intellectually danced around my latest post. Why would I? It’s what you do. I never said your lack of pet ownership was sad, although I do still think you would benefit from it, what I said was that you saying that pets would be useless clutter standing in the way of you finding meaningful life answers seemed sad to me. Sure, you can play a game or read a book and be in control, but be in control of what? Of avoiding ‘neurochemical’ events like love? Good for you, how’s it working out for you so far?
‘Proactive information cropping’ -oops, sorry ‘pruning’ (my bad) and ‘decision tree information gain paradigms’ leading to credit card interest payment avoidance. Guru are you aware that this is a Primal feeling Blog? Some of what you post might be better suited to those folks over at the Gobbledygooks-R-Us Blog. Why so quick to deny that you are angry at me. S’ok to be angry on here, in fact it’s sort of what it’s for – a safe place to get pissed. I get annoyed, frustrated, exasperated, angry and tired of/with you quite often. In general I just turn off the computer, go to bed and wake up having forgotten all about it. But sometimes you seem to have to make like the ever-ready Bunny and won’t turn off the B.S. tap. That’s when those darn abrasive and volatile genes of mine just take over. When people are being real, vulnerable and open, I’m actually thought of to be quite affable. At least that’s what someone I hold in very high esteem says!
Believe me Guru I could go on, but due to you soon probably being dangerously low in brain glucose ($41.95 for 90 capsules from Amazon though I can’t vouch for the mammalian content of the capsule gel) and for the other’s benefit I’ll stop.
Don’t overthink it Guru, just yell out what your body is telling you.
Barry, I’m not going to respond to every point you made, but overall my feeling is that you’re intimidatingly volatile person with some bullying tendencies thrown in. Just my feeling, maybe I’m wrong
When I asked you that question about being an omnivore/carnivore, I did realize my question might be slightly mischievous, but I had no clue at the time you would become as upset as you apparently did.
As I said, I wasn’t looking for blog conflicts and I mistakenly believed you would have viewed my question as being mischievous at worst.
If my posts piss you off, just ignore them! I asked others here on the blog, including Gretchen, if I could have free reign to post whatever I need and she said, “Not a problem.”
I even suggested multiple times to have a vBulletin threaded forum to make it easier to ignore those you don’t like.
Good for you Guru for just getting a little off your chest, although why you find it necessary to call me an intimidating volatile bully I think is too bad. You suggest I just ignore your posts if they piss me off. Maybe you missed the sentence where I said I normally just go to bed and sleep when you annoy me. Of course you have free rein (sp?) to post whatever you need as long as it’s not too denigrating, but then we all have equal freedom to find them annoying, irrelevant, humorous, hurtful, helpful – whatever – and of course to call ’em as we see ’em, hopefully with no name calling.
I’m serious when I say ‘good for you’ Guru, you just threw it out there, and I’ll bet you didn’t get tired in the least.
I have already said this but I don’t not like you Guru. I do sometimes find you evasive, frustrating, and yes even boring, but also sometimes insightful, and funny. And that’s ok. Look at it this way, Leslie also finds me QUITE evasive and frustrating and yet she went ahead and married me!!!
Did you really think my post was bullying though, or did you just feel that that would justify what you said?
I’ve been posting on this blog for over a decade, and your presence has been known to me here for at least six years, You don’t post nearly as often as I do, but all of the things you have posted over time do give me the overall portrait of, “Barry is an intimidatingly volatile man supplemented with mild bullying tendencies.”
This impression is cemented by your angry ‘hit-and-run’ tactics, where you will suddenly appear from nowhere with an angry or hurtful comment and then disappear like the wind, never to be seen again or give someone the opportunity to respond to what you said. I did find that tactic really irritating. Zoom in, punch someone, then leave…almost like a mugging.
What else can I say here? It’s an impression I’ve built of you over time based on many small incidents from the past, both recent and distant.
Wow, that really hurts Guru. I would really like comments from others on this. No, I don’t post anywhere near as much as you do, who does? But I do read the blog a lot, and don’t know that I’ve missed responding to someone if they need me or have asked me to. Is there something specific you have in mind that I neglected to answer? If not then let’s please move on.
Boy, it’s getting late in this dance marathon.. I will try to gather my wits for a bit. I don’t find you, Barry, a bully, maybe a tease (dogs Vs. cats) and joker who likes to exaggerate a point, but is apologetic when appropriate. I don’t see that Guru has any trouble responding to any output– I do recall some frustrating name-calling Gretchen had to squelch from last year. I think everyone gives and takes fairly equally. That is my objective opinion. Whether Guru feels hurt I think is valid since how he takes things is legitimate, in that those are his reactions and how it makes him feel.
You are not a bully
OK, time to get off this subject. Leslie just channeled Gretchen and Vicki and asked me why I’m spending so much time on this interaction with Guru when It often seems like I’m banging my head against the wall. Off the bat I don’t know, but because I don’t feel like looking at it I know there must be something to it. I am actually tired right now – give me a break, that’s the 1st. time I’ve used it – but maybe I’ll try and find a milk dud under the couch cushion (more likely since I don’t have a dog right now) and use the energy to think on it.
Barry, I don’t think you are a bully at all. I think you were frustrated and that you honestly expressed that. Personally I would always prefer directness no matter what is being said than something underhanded. I think you were as direct as you could be. Guru, I can see why you might be hurt or angry but much of what Barry and Vicki expressed is not new for you. I tend to think you are inadvertently re-creating something that ultimately leads others to feel frustrated. You bring up a subject and when asked about it you will inevitably claim to be too busy to respond. Eventually someone will respond with frustration. I am not sure if you are aware of this pattern but I would think you are. Either way I believe it’s worth thinking about. Because you have a tendency to spiral into believing people don’t like you let me say I think they very much do . I think most of us are just trying to be honest with each other. Gretchen
Gretchen, I would love to operate with the same amount of information as you have on everyone. You have an enormous advantage here which I don’t have.
And yes, again this is why I complained about the 130 word article from my distant past so much. That was a psychologically crippling situation even in a non-Primal, adult sense….but I don’t want to bother with that, no point to it now.
This is also a reminder of the bullshit I have to deal with where the predator surrounding me wants to chop down the tree on my front yard. He sends in one tree crew to try to forcefully start the process, then when I stop them he will send in a second tree crew from a totally different company who has no knowledge of the situation from the first tree crew,
He takes advantage of the second crew’s ignorance so he can have another free shot at getting what he wants. These are the types of assholes I’m sick of dealing with, also insulting to see that he’s a millionaire. If that’s what the American Dream is all about then this country is fucked beyond all redemption, never mind the automobile injury/fatality angle.
All indications tell me the predator will send in a third tree crew from a nearby town 10 miles away since the first two local crews have already been ‘burned though’ and are now uselessly knowledgeable (to the predator) of the situation.
I wish I had stayed up later to immediately reply to Barry that asking for the input of others from his inner circle is not a good idea. Most everyone here knows Barry well enough to see it as frustration, whereas in my case things are totally because I am much more in the distant wilderness with almost no other information to go on except that he happens to be married to someone named Leslie.
Picture this, OK? You walk the same path to work everyday for 10 years. During this walk to and from work you pass by a block of row houses, one of which has completely blacked out windows and doorframes. A mysterious enigma. Every so often when you walk by a man violently swings open the door and screams at you, even taking guesses at your various personality flaws as potential fodder for further criticism. He then slams the door shut immediately thereafter. Since you have to finish your walk to work, and you don’t know this man at you, you hurry onwards trying to forget the incident.
Over a 10 year period, every couple months or so this same man swings open the door from his enigmatic house to scream at you and criticize you briefly before slamming the door shut as you walk to and from work.
Would it make sense for me to develop an impression of this man as intimidatingly volatile with secondary bullying tendencies?
Fuck, I didn’t write that out very well. Really messy first draft since I just woke up and wrote it out in a big rush. Let me know if you really need help with corrections, and I will do so. Otherwise, the spirit of my message seems intact overall.
Let me just say this about your Stephen King scenario (although your post does remind me of how the late night talk show hosts loved it whenever Trump orated) when someone says to you that you are hurting them and to please stop and you don’t, it is probably the ultimate example of bullying, don’t you agree?
The point I made was that there was no opportunity to tell the door slamming (ie, make one angry post and then depart) man to stop. It was my perception that you were no longer available to converse with since you never returned. A couple of sentences, wham, bam, thank you ma’am, all done for a month or two.
One could ask, “Well why didn’t you go knock on the proverbial opaque front door (ie. specifically call you out by name after you made an isolated angry post)?”
My answer would be, “Since I don’t know the man, what if the door knocking makes him ANGRIER and escalates things from there? Do I really want this quicksand enveloping me? Nahh, I’ll just deal with the irritation and move on like a driver cutting me off on a highway.”
I’ve been following all this, and although I don’t think Barry’s a bully, I guess Guru feels bullied in this interaction and past ones with him.
Some of this is just repetitive stuff from past discussions. Cats are very popular here on the blog, Guru doesn’t want a pet, which is fine, and Barry prefers dogs. I prefer dogs too, but we don’t have any pets at my house. Gretchen has a dog. That kind of summarizes it. Oh, and then there were the dietary issues. I think everyone should eat whatever they want. Phil
Ha. I think you should be the Supreme Ultimate Guru, Phil.
Speaking of pets, what about you, Larry? Do you have one?
I feel a bond with our fellow creatures that we share the planet with, SG, and I respect that at least the wild ones are beings in their own right, carving out a living just like we are. Our cats and dogs on the farm were my friends while I grew up, who had their independent lives tied in with ours on the farm. I even had a large freshwater aquarium that I populated with local, native minnows, crustaceans, snails, and aquatic plants, that was an almost natural, small enclosed ecosystem that I found endlessly fascinating to sit in front of and observe. But during my life since leaving home on the farm I’ve never adopted any pets, except for a few plants in my home, but even these are the kind that need little attention from me. My excuse for not having pets is that I’ve devoted all of my time and energy toward pursuing primal therapy in LA and then meeting my needs and growing and enriching my much undernourished life by pursuing my job wherever it took me, and by trying to grow the circle of people I interact with in my life and to deepen my experience of life through them and sharing my interests with them. I didn’t want to be tied down with having to take care of the needs of a pet. Probably another reason I didn’t want to is because I felt a strong need to be taken care of and couldn’t abide the thought of having to take care of something/someone else’s needs other than the people important to me. Now that I’m all grown up and retired from the workplace and have the time and energy and might move into a house with a yard, maybe it would be good for me to have a pet, but I just don’t want to be tied down in having to meet a pet’semotional needs every day for a decade or more. Any time and energy that I can spare for relationships goes into my relationships with people. Also I have allergies to consider. 🙂
That free-roaming range stocked with natural food on the farm really sounds like a terrific setup, Larry, with no obligations towards any singular animal. I can really ‘dig’ something like this, even perhaps building some special hibernation spaces for first-come, first-served animal warmth during brutal winters.
Yeah, your animal caring and sanctity outlooks seem pretty similar to my own overall.
This is one of the reasons I’m so supremely pissed at this smooth-talking, snake oil, sack of dogshit predator surrounding me. When he destroyed half of one of the trees on the front yard, the squirrels who frequented the perfect two-tree symbiosis stopped coming to visit for the most part. The reason he did this terrible act was because I caught and called him out on a lie to an important individual he was going to use to try to tear down the tree anyway! Yet another instance of where he was trying to take advantage of someone’s compartmentalized ignorance.
Most of the birds are gone from this 100 year-old roosting place too. All because of my stopping a silver-tongued shitstain from allowing his gaslighting lies to be firmly ensconced and legitimized in the mind of a highly-credentialed lawyer who could have done even more damage to the front yard if I hadn’t pre-emptively stepped in with as many historical facts as possible,
Yeah, wonderful relationship building with people. Woo-hoo!
Speaking of pets, I really liked ‘My Octopus Teacher’ on Netflix.
Phil,
I loved your summary!
it contains all the facts and leaves out all the mind games, suppositions and interpretations.
what a relief to get this reality check.
Margaret
and above all, you made me smile!
I wish I knew of an academic term describing a knowledgeable centralized party or institutions taking advantage of the ignorance of compartmentalized clients. This is not about Gretchen, because she can use her own centralized knowledge to gently lead clients in the right direction without specifically violating privacy of said compartmentalized clients. I’m thinking more of this asshole that keeps trying to destroy my beloved old tree,
Compartmentalized ignorance on an atomized, individual level has been partially ameliorated by social media and the internet, yet pernicious actors respond to this positive development by spreading misinformation on a wide scale since your own computer screen can lend the same legitimate letters to lies as it does the truth.
Phil, I don’t know about reality check but it was definitely a useful summary and gave me a good laugh ! Gretch
Guru, I’m not sure how auto death and the tree guy connect to this. I have no “ special” knowledge in this case or any case for that matter. I am just telling you what I see as specific feedback was asked for. . I also want to mention that while someone might speak less on the blog that is not the same as refusing to speak necessarily. You seem to think Barry was slamming doors but you can always address him and he can choose to speak or not.. Gretchen
You seemed as though you have more knowledge than I do as to how much people may like (or dislike) me since you would hear a lot more input through other channels than I would here.
When I considered that part, it reminded me of the general concept of ‘central party potentially taking advantage of the ignorance of compartmentalized transactors, or clients’, which triggered my angry spiel about the predator, so I wasn’t specifically looking at your case here.
We’re not in innocent takeout pizza land anymore when such matters are broached.
Let me be clear here about something: When 100 clients pour out their life stories and their hearts to you, I can easily see you have an enormous repository of knowledge in your mind that each of your individual compartmentalized clients wont have about each other. We both know what an ENORMOUS responsibility that entails. To some extent I guess your knowledge could be used to lead individual clients who have been self-destructively ignorant by gently guiding them on a more enlightened path based on your own collected knowledge of all your clients combined.
My rant was more towards the predator who also collects such knowledge as you do, but uses that knowledge and the compartmentalized ignorance of his transactors (namely the tree guys) to degrade my own life, specifically.
I…I don’t know…
I talked with Vicki, Barry, and Sylvia about Sinead O’Connor and the sad coincidence of her son’s suicide shortly after my posting her iconic grieving song.
Then we had an animated discussion of vegetarianism and meat eating.
And now Meat Loaf has died at 74.
Those coincidences feel terribly odd sometimes, OK? Just terribly odd, that’s all. At least let me have room for that uselessly indulgent feeling.
Wow, sorry he is gone. It’s hard to lose famous people from my era. Another in the string of recent deaths. A difficult winter and that darn covid–I hope spring brings better health for everyone. I worry for my brothers, but they are vaccinated, (as am I.) You all stay safe.
S
I have to say I mostly have limited sadness when celebrities die, even if their art, politics, or whatever was important to me. The death of John Lesson many years ago, however, was an exception and had a very big impact on me. That was probably the last time I was so effected. Maybe his music came through to me so well, that I felt I knew him, and it helped define my life. I can’t think of anyone else.
Also, because he was so young, and how it happened.
Guru, meatloaf can be vegetarian, if that helps any.
Gretchen, I really thought deeply on your comments yesterday where you said I have a tendency to spiral into believing no one likes me.
It’s safer that way. I have nothing to lose when no one likes me. It’s more comfortable that way.
If people like me and I find out, it becomes crushingly painful when someone who once liked me no longer does. A feeling of something fragile being shattered because any slip-up, faux pas, or impulsively offensive action can wipe out the rapport.
I hate the idea of having something to lose and being on my toes to keep the loss from happening.
Having no one like me is somewhat akin to economic poverty where you have nothing to lose. Upward mobility can be nerve wracking and the possibility of falling down again after raising one’s hopes and dreams can be terrifying, terrified of being crushed and demoralized forever, so why bother to climb at all?
Some mindset similar to this would explain why many people will be in poverty for a lifetime. More comfortable, nothing to lose, etc. No fragile accomplishments to constantly maintain.
Guru, having no one liking you means you can’t hurt, but you miss out on a whole lot.
I have to think you were hurt badly in the past.
Phil, I also thought for a day or two about what you wrote here, my mother’s sudden disappearance without explanation when I was 28 months old was such a completely disemboweling betrayal of total feelingful love in the eyes and psyche of a toddler for his natural mother that there really shouldn’t be much of a surprise with some psych tests saying I have signs of organic brain damage. It was clear my mother loved me greatly, writing out a special baby book about my birth, etc. so it was a completely disemboweling betrayal of both her own and my intentions. Only as a toddler I likely had more self-destructive notions that mom suddenly WANTED to leave me, INTENDED to leave me for no reason. That’s what made it so incredibly destructive for me.
I have faint inklings that I went through a couple years of an extremely constricting and suffocating game of ‘hide-and-seek’ frantically searching for mom in abject horror and panic, with no explanation or soothing mommy’s skin grasping me. Only big meat monster people thumping around me here and there muttering nonsensical, foreign-sounding words to a toddler which were of no aid or use.
When I was having the Sinead discussion with Vicki last month I referred to my Minneapolis pilgrimages a couple of times. I didn’t know mom worked in offices there at the time I made those adult pilgrimages, but I would walk around quite a bit at the core of the city’s downtown office buildings, walking the skywalks, etc.
There was a strange sense of belonging there, only I didn’t know why and now I see it was a secondary, adult reverberation of the original frantic toddler ‘hide-and-seek’ game I described in my previous post.
Guru, that’s devastating what happened to you with your mother.
I have no evidence from my memories or otherwise that my mother greatly loved me. I don’t think she did, and I need to be able to feel the reality of that. I’m afraid their reasons for having me weren’t good, for one thing. Being pregnant lessened the symptoms of her disease, and my arrival was supposed to bring joy to the household. I was told these things. But after I was born my mother continued having ever worsening disease episodes and becoming ever more incapacitated. There were many baby pictures of my sister. As the first born they were clearly enthralled with her. There were no baby pictures of me and I don’t think my mother should have been having more kids at that point. They already thought or knew something was wrong with my brother.
My sister had the family collection of pictures and threw them all out. That’s how she cherishes those memories. I have a few of them that I had picked out upon starting therapy. It’s very sad what happened in our families.
Phil
This comment is both insightful and heartfelt. The whole conversation between Phil and Guru about Mother vividly shows how from intrauterine existence onward the simple self is immersed in a complex environmental “intelligence”, a structure that becomes part of intrapsychic life.
Of course that “intelligence” is heavily influenced by circumstances.
Yes, Phil, meatloaf can be vegetarian. Although, as a vegetarian, I have found it hard to find one that tastes good.
Meatloaf, on the other hand, was a vegetarian for 11 years, and then decided to go vegan in 2020. https://www.businessinsider.com/meat-loaf-goes-vegan-but-says-he-wont-change-his-name-to-veg-loaf-2020-1…….”Rock legend Meat Loaf has gone vegan for Veganuary, but says he won’t change his name to Veg Loaf”.
Thanks Renee, this answered a lot of questions which came to mind.
For some reason none of those ‘faux meat’ or ‘beyond meat’ vegetarian products appeal to me at all & I never eat them. Mostly beans, peanut butter, quinoa for the protein. Never tried tofu or tempeh even though they’re supposedly protein-rich.
Also, just because one has a vegetarian diet doesn’t always mean it’s a healthy diet. Takeout pizzas aren’t exactly cardio-friendly, and just the other day I gorged on a whole bag of sour cream & onion potato chips along with a bunch of chocolate swiss creme rolls. I couldn’t help myself. It was like having a round of binge drinking.
Go to a decent grocery store, find whole pineapples. Buy one which looks robust with lots of pointy pricklies on them. Light greenish color with mild golden bottom, but not too rotted,
Cut the ends off. Chop into ‘off-center’ quarters so that, while you still have quarter pineapples the center core is a separate tubular piece destined for a Blendtech machine.
Cut close to the ‘skin’ of the pineapple quarters for lots of chunks to deposit into a freezer bag for a few days storage in fridge.
Take pineapple core and a couple cups of vanilla almond milk to the Blendtech machine for about a minute for a fibrous pineapple vanilla smoothie loaded with antioxidants.
The remaining pineapple chunks in the fridge are mixed with plain oatmeal, a big dollop of peanut butter for protein fortification, and a healthy splash of vanilla almond milk for a power breakfast for the future billionaire resting deep in your own biochemical materialist core (carelessly described as a ‘soul’ by those who did not carefully read Janov’s birth imprints book).
By ‘off center quarters I meant lengthwise quarters. The core of a pineapple is extremely tough and fibrous, necessitating a high-powered smoothie blender.
well said. spirit food, Sir; thought provoking; nutrition and medicine for body, mind, and spirit; elimination and vascular health. I used to get the cores for free from a local store until suddenly the head office instructed they must go to the garbage. Sliced thin they are great snack food…. There were some amazing pioneers in Health, Dr’s Bernie Jensen, Norman Walker, Gaylord Hauser, Paavo Airola. In later years Dr Peter J D’Adamo has, IMHO, ( Jackism), added the missing link much the same as Dr. Temple Fay did with neurosurgery, and double loading.
David, yeah those cores had better be sliced thin, for sure! I would never try to eat them in their raw form, just too difficult. It’s strange how sometimes the healthiest parts of food have strong natural deterrents to eating them. Quinoa beads have mildly toxic saponins coating them during growth meant as a natural deterrent to keep birds from feasting on them, so that’s why humans must wash them off either at a processing facility or at home.
Every time I log in to this blog, up comes an Amazon ad, for ” PET EMA.”
My granddaughter was doing some historical research on the biblical myths. She was following some obscure names. I mentioned that having read that work of fiction several times I recalled a woman’s name that appeared only once and thought it was the at a /,the, well story. Can’t remember but thought it might be, ” Ruth,” and, separate from the Hebrew Book of Ruth. Anyway she entered, ‘ biblical Ruth,’ for her search, and, the much reverred, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the primary response, and a NOTORIOUS RBG teeshirt site. That might have tickled a tinkle…..
One leading cause, some saying the ONLY cause, of life-threatening peanut allergies in children is not being exposed to eating peanuts before the age of 4 or 5 or so. I’m very thankful I was exposed to peanut foods early on, since peanut butter has an been an absolutely indispensable source of protein for me for years and years now.
This is why I have so many nutty thoughts, with my brain drawing so much of its nourishment from peanut foods.
Technically peanuts are not even nuts, they’re legumes. I’m going to be transitioning to being vegetarian because of my high blood pressure problem. I’m going to finish off the Greek yogurt we have in the refrigerator, and after that no more. I’ve tried in the past, and it’s fine, the main problem is others around me eating a lot of meat, making it more difficult.
Phil
HAAAAA… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLODGhEyLvk&t=21s
I’ve had some big feelings this morning. Basically about anyone treating me nice, because that’s unexpected and triggering, hard to take in. In guess, in general, I feel like I’m a piece of crap. That’s how my mother treated me, and it’s deeply ingrained, I’m afraid.
Phil
Phil, not to detract from what you’re feeling in any way, but I wanted to say there are many key differences in our life histories despite our maternal losses.
Among many items on such a list would be your mother never really loving or appreciating you from the start whereas mine was more like a Bernie Madoff investor rug pull betrayal with the intensity multiplied thousands of times over.
For you the monetary aspect seems to predominate for some reason, even with this analogy.
Personally, I have no problems with the analogy I used for myself. Makes perfect sense to me.
And I certainly wasn’t only referring to money. The biochemical processes engendered by an intense and sudden betrayal of trust and love may be an entirely different situation than not having high expectations or trust placed in someone. That’s part of what I was trying to convey.
In my case it happened over a long period of time, which made it especially difficult.
You experienced a tragedy with the loss of your mother, as I did with mine. Bernie Madoff scammed people out of their money. It seems a little different, although I do see the end result you’re getting at.
Phil, well modern life is very complicated and even with the general overarching themes of maternal losses we might have some dramatically different historical circumstances, nonetheless. Another issue right off the bat is that I was an only child, and that’s just a second item in a potentially long list of differences.
Guru, I wasn’t insisting on our similarities, although we do have that one big one.
Even our own fathers’ attitudes towards losing their spouses in such a different manner would influence our upbringings. When someone is sick, there may still be reason to hope she will improve, as you said about your mom’s temporary improvements after each pregnancy. In my dad’s case, he had no reason for hope at all the minute the police arrived at our front door to tell dad the news. Hope was extinguished in an instant.
And in the ensuing years afterwards, my dad had to try to ‘move on’ from that because there was no reason to look back with any hope.
So yeah, I think we need to be careful about overemphasizing similarities.
Phil, I often marvel at how you have a wife and kids where I ended up being a hermit who never married, so yeah that tells me there are crucial differences which would need to be examined more carefully, that’s all.
Guru,
Things could change, that’s up to you. I could have ended up a hermit, I think therapy helped prevent that.
Did you get married before you started therapy?
Having become a student of US ,’ culture,’ Constitution, and world player behaviour, thanks to mob boss Trump. I have concluded that there is greater offense taken and greater punishment rendered for the theft of property than the murder of non white children. 2nd, the believers in and demanders for, ‘FREEDOM,’ of rat shit crazy beliefs, choice, religion, and speech are nth degree zealots as long as they can dictate the choices. A couple I know, fully vaxed and boosted, left the safety of their rural community here for their Winter home in South Carolina because we’ve had a few spurts of snow and a dozen days of freezin’ breezes. They said if COVID is going to kill them they’d rather be warm. I’d be more tensioned by having to absorb the toxicity of a socially deficient populace.
Historically South Carolina hasn’t been such a good place, although it does have warm weather. It was the state most densely packed with slaves, the place where the Civil War started, one of the most racist places in the country. There are probably a lot of northern transplants there, however.
Two of my best friends, now deceased, rented a winter home there for years, both were avid golfers. They were generously welcomed by locals. Finally they ceased going because of the painful experience that, in their words, that whites were still teaching their babies to hate Black babies, and trained their puppies to be monsters. He said their neighbours told them they wouldn’t hold it against them for having Black friends, they , ” being from Canada and all.”
When I was at the PI, 86/87, except for one, my start group was non US folks and our chosen social set was with Europeans. My apartment share was a twice professionally degreed Texan and I soon got schooled on how inferior all of us, ” pinko’s,” were, intellectually and culturally; and our home Countries.
No, ten years after starting therapy.
Hmm, OK sounds encouraging, but I do think the notion of free will and choices are a bit overrated sometimes. I’m still glad we had a chance to look briefly at some of the different circumstances we had, regardless.
Another day, some more big feelings. I took a break from listening to jazz during my daily commute. For some reason the song below was very helpful and meaningful Deep crying which after a while I realized was about being scared from abandonment, maybe 3 or 4 years old. In fact it hit me that really that is what a lot of my crying is about. I mainly associate these feelings with my mother, but my father certainly contributed to the problem. If I was desperate for help he was unsympathetic and could even find it funny. So, they made a real good team.
For International Holocaust Remembrance Day:
In 1938, after quite a bit of harassment, the Gestapo let Sigmund Freud leave Vienna on the condition he would sign a letter stating that the Germans in general and the Gestapo in particular, have treated him fairly and respectably. In Ernest Jones’ biography of Freud it is told that when the Nazi officer brought the letter along Freud promptly signed it but asked if he might be allowed to add a sentence, which was, “I can heartily recommend the Gestapo to anyone”.
Sorry, Daniel, but it seems that this supposed quote of Freud is not accurate. Although, it is a good one! Take a look at this: https://www.freud.org.uk/2019/04/30/10-quotes-wrongly-attributed-to-sigmund-freud/
Thanks, Renee. I guessed that much which is why I mentioned it’s from the biography rather than just stating it as a fact. It didn’t make sense the man would test the Gestapo’s sense of humour at that particular time and place. But as you say, it’s a good story.
Daniel, at the risk of embarrassing the hell out of you, for which je m’excuse, I have to say you impress me more every time you post. I wish I knew you personally.
Thanks Barry. How is it going with the 89 Jag.?
Aww, you remembered! She looks awesome in the driveway, but she can be VERY temperamental when I have the audacity to want to actually drive her around. I’ve discovered that Jag owners can often live in financial denial.
If the stakes are not too high, an occasional financial denial is quite healthy.
Aah, therein lies the problem. How often constitutes occasional, and how often constitutes I need some professional therapy from you-know-who before I spend another dime on it. At the root of this dilemma, actually the cause of this dilemma is the fact that my sons gave me this ‘I’ve always wanted one of these cars’ as a gift. Yeah, exactly. What to do?
Just figure a way to make more money and the entire dilemma is moot.
Renee, it’s interesting how you recently brought up what’s been happening with your stepfather, for my friend here in town (about 20 years older than I) was also just officially diagnosed with dementia.
It makes sense, given how crazy he was driving me…which I explained in the two posts linked below back in September:
He had to stop driving his car last week due to a couple of incidents which led to the diagnosis. I managed to help him park his car in a safe spot, and now I will likely be grocery shopping for him regularly.
I do feel badly now that I was so judgmental of his cognitive challenges a few months ago. Things changed rather quickly for him since then. I fear for his future of needing more intense care and mine too, for I am already on very thin ice where social contacts are concerned.
It’s sort of a sad, universal fact which recently ruminated though my head, “We are all only temporarily abled.”
I should note that my buddy had been a fairly heavy marijuana user. If one goes to a dispensary to buy edibles, they would generally recommend 10 mg of THC for a regular dose of getting ‘stoned’.
One night my buddy took 20 mg, twice the recommended dose, and he started having serious hallucinations necessitating a police visit. Nothing happened beyond that due to my buddy’s charming personality, but these hallucinations came back in force these past couple weeks even when he was sober, bringing on the dementia diagnosis.
I can certainly see where the edibles possibly did something permanently bad to him. We both agreed he should stop all drug intake since his diagnosis.
–four opened blueberry bagel halves with melted butter and honey drizzled on top
–chocolate almond milk
I do try to use light butter or margarine for the bagels. Regular butter or cream cheese is way too sinfully rich.
“Wherein as I don’t promise to make you rich, I promise to tell you things that will make you FEEL rich whether you have a lot of money or not.”
This quote is not attributable to me, but it does bring back a lot of fond memories and laughter about how I did come across the quote when I was young.
This is just a story I wanna write out. If it bores you, look away. No one has to give a damn about this story.
So earlier today I made a quote about ‘feeling rich’ which was slightly inaccurate. The more accurate version is:
“Wherein as we don’t promise to make you rich without trying or even with trying very hard, we promise to tell you things that will make you FEEL rich whether you have a lot of money or not.:”
Where the hell did this quote come from? From a long-deceased man named Charles “Chuck” Aronson. His 1996 obituary is here –> https://buffalonews.com/news/charles-n-aronson-83-dies-inventor-of-key-production-welding-component/article_3b76e7f3-e58e-58a5-aeec-ce5f56b981c1.html
For 20 years spanning the final decades of his life he wrote out a bi-weekly paper newsletter all by himself shipped out to 2,000 subscribers throughout North America. The name of the newsletter was ‘Peephole on People’. Mr. Aronson was EXTREMELY conservative, a reactionary, John Birch Society material and my maternal grandma just LOVED this man and his newsletters.
He was an insightful and colorfully entertaining douchebag who had an enormous superiority complex because he started poor in Nebraska farm, taught himself revolutionary metal fabricating processes from scratch, and became a multi-millionaire riding around in a huge Ford Bronco in the wintertime under the shadow of his enormous upstate New York mansion. He described it as “riding high above the commonfolk”.
As I said, an insufferable douche with a shit-eating grin in front of every newsletter.
I still have a large stack of these hilarious newsletters in storage.
I should have written ‘semiweekly’ newsletter (every two weeks) instead of bi-weekly. Not that it really means anything here and now.
In one of the newsletters Aronson suggested saving all of your soap bar nubs which are worn down to unusable little chips from using, and piling the nubs in a water-filled container so you can squeeze them back together into a final improvised bar of wet soap which you can lay out to dry.
He would then quickly switch focus to bragging about his own multi-million dollar corporate deals after giving the rest of us peasants the soap scum saving suggestion.
Interesting character, to say the least.
just want to briefly share that since Friday morning I suffer from severe vertigo.
at some point I had to crawl back to my bed on hands and knees, and when laying down the vertigo got so bad it seemed to shut down my brain, while I could only moan.
i also vomited that day and called my doctor in the afternoon.
hearing about the symptoms and how they appear with certain positions of head and body, she thinks it is a problem in the equilibrium organ in an ear.
i did not eat anything yesterday after the vomit, and today I could eat three times a very small portion.
i slept a lot but still have to be very careful when getting up and walking around here.
I even asked my brother and sister to send me messages from time to time to check with me, just in case, I would not want to lay on the floor helplessly for days in a row.
now a headache is starting, am going to bed again, and Monday will ask my doctor for a home visit and also a Corona test, as I would not want to contage residents in the nursing home for example.
you never know.
especially the first day it was so scary, my blood pressure also peaked despite taking extra medication, but the doctor thought that was the stress and fear mainly.
so well, hope it improves quickly.
M
Margaret, that sounds awful. I know somewhat of these symptoms, as I had an attack last year too. I researched it online and joined a Facebook group about Meniere’s disease, a vertigo disease of the inner ear. It’s hard to diagnose what the problem really is though. It can be crystals in part of the ear canal, or it could be a vestibular migraine. I too, vomit sometimes. I got pretty dizzy once and dropped to the ground safely, which is called ‘drop attacks.’ They cause everything to spin, and you cannot tell up from down. That has occurred mostly when I look straight up. The doctor’s assistant said it might be a narrowing of a neck vein, but who knows. I still don’t turn my head quickly or I get dizzy. The small thing that I did that helps was reduce my salt intake because then fluid is held in the ear and can cause dizziness. Good luck, Margaret, your doc will probably have some answers for you. I keep non-drowsy motion sickness pills handy because they help with the nausea, and they do make me sleepy but not as much as the Dramamine do. Limiting sweets helps me too. There are head-turning exercises for removing crystals in the inner ear, but that did not help. Some people have found it is related to TMJ a jaw alignment problem. Let’s hope it is just one-time thing. Again, the best of luck, Margaret. Rest well.
S
Margaret, It sounds scary and I hope that it will get better soon. If indeed it is a problem with the equilibrium organ then I had that too. It’s treated by a special physical therapist who on a special bench turns you up side down and in several directions. It only takes a few seconds. Then for a while I had to wear one of those foam collars.
Margaret, best wishes to you for a speedy recovery, Not much more I can offer here beyond what the others have said.
Margaret,
That sounds terrible, I hope you’re feeling better.
Phil
Today and yesterday I’ve been connecting with how depressive my father was, and what that was like living with him. This is maybe in relation to some intractable problems I’m dealing with currently.
By comparison, as a kid, other people’s houses were full of life and activity. I got to do a lot of things with a friend when his father took us places. That was very lucky because nothing like that was possible at my house. My father had given up. I needed him to actively take care of things and get his life together, which he didn’t do, and that never changed.
Phil
By all means Phil & Margaret talk about whatever you need to talk about; I’m only going to post on this other topic once as it is related to vegetarianism discussed earlier.
There was a huge brawl which broke out at a Pennsylvania Golden Corral restaurant late last week. It seems that the instigator of the chair-throwing brawl was denied a final cut of steak before the restaurant ran out.
It’s possible that when someone eats a lot of meat over a long period, s/he becomes habituated to the flesh, opening up the vulnerability to primeval rage and bloodlust when such meat offerings are forcibly denied.
Reference: https://www.tmz.com/2022/02/01/massive-brawl-golden-corral-breaks-out-over-steak/?adid=social-twa
Maybe it’s just a crackpot theory on my part, but if I fed a pit bull or rottweiler a juicy slab of meat every day only to forcibly deny it to the animal at some point, my feeling says I’d better have my thickly-padded anti-dog bite clothing on that day!
Once a bear or lion kills and eats a human, that animal must be euthanized for public safety as it has now developed a taste for human flesh.
Why would those Golden Corral humans be any different after they’ve had their steaks for so long?
Guru, how would you feel if you were denied the last juicy piece of tofu, or portion of chick peas, after many years addiction to tasty plant based dishes? I suspect you’d go haywire, maybe run outside and bite the nearest innocent tree.
It’s not quite the same, for I am adept at trying to figure alternate protein sources on the spot. I probably have too much of a frontal lobe to start throwing chairs over it.
Also, there seems to be a more gnarly and carnal connotation with flesh eating than with plant eating.
“Every life is in many days, day after day. We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-love, but always meeting ourselves”. (James Joyce, the great Irish author, born yoday 140 years ago)
I probably doesn’t matter. I suppose the words of a misogynistic drunk can bear some worth for ponderence. Like Trump he seemed to think it ok to assumne that any woman on the street could be conscripted for his sexual pleasure. On at least one occassion justice came swiftly.
I very much enjoyed Dubliners, but had trouble taking J.J. seriously since he so looked like Wilfrid Brambell the dad in Steptoe and Son an old English TV comedy that I am so dating myself by mentioning. I remember so well because a sense of humour was the one thing that my Mum and I shared unconditionally, and we used to howl at that show. Thanks for the nudge Daniel.
ps. esp. ‘The Sisters’ – I’m sure that living in Ireland in my formative years had a lot to do with this.
hi all,
Thank you all so much for your kind support!
it really means so much to me, and it felt good to get more information and too hear about all of you or your friends who suffered from a similar disease.
sorry it took me a while to respond, I have to set priorities about what I can do with the diminished energy and capacities I still have.
my doctor also mentioned possible physiotherapy to me, and took her time to show me an exercise I can already do by myself to try to make those crystals drift back to where they belong.
it was a temporary female doctor added to the group practice, and she made a house call and was ever so kind and patient while she also had to do a pcr test to me, but wearing her face mask was the only precaution she took, and she seemed very much at ease.
we went into my bedroom to try out the exercise.
I told her I was impressed with her and how well she is at her job under the circumstances, she was really such a kind attentive sweet person.
luckily the PCR test turned out to be negative when i got the result yesterday, so no quarantaine needed, and no risk to others, which is one worry less.
although every day there seems to be a slight improvement in the attacks of dizziness, and every day my appetite gets better, and I can do just a bit more before having to rest, I still feel not fit at all and have to be cautious as dizzy spells tend to get worse when I am tired or tense.
so for the moment I rest a lot, seem to need a lot of sleep, and canceled all my activities until at least next week.
did not visit my mom, but called her every day, and my brother will go see her an extra time on Saturday.
don’t think I will go along, not yet, but I planned a visit to her with my sister next Tuesday.
life is full of surprises isn’t it?
but I keep counting my blessings, no Corona, and seemingly some improvement going on.
and the warmth of all the people expressing their care and offering help…
after the terrible first days of feeling so helpless and vulnerable, every step forwards is something to be grateful about now.
and hey, my heating works well, with a short break last Monday as there were gas and electricity works in the street and in our basement….
had to call in the help troops as well then as my heating did not restart.
but Pjotr, who hardly speaks the language, was there to fix things once more, it is nice to be able to count on and trust people and to feel safe to ask them for help.
it is also nice to feel I managed to get a better and better relationship with all the people around me who help me in practical ways, the technicians from my landlord and others.
it feels nice to be more and more able to get along with people and to actually like them and enjoy the contacts.
guess I can trust more and more easily and ask for help…
all becomes more clear in a difficult situation I guess…
so well, thanks again to all of you, Margaret and cats who also offered a lot of support
Margaret, thanks for letting us know how things are progressing. That’s great you had a good visit by the doctor and hopefully will be able to manage your dizziness in the days to come with physiotherapy if needed. Great too that the people around you are helpful. Take care, Margaret, and “Hi to your support-kitties.”
S
My moment of navel gazing was interrupted by this:
Amnesty International Defends Report on Israeli Apartheid, Rejecting Criticism from U.S. & Israel
The Biden Administration response to this charge is, ” It is absurd.” While fully accepting AI reports on other Countries’ human rights violations, this one, extensive and impartial, is classed as, “.. absurd.”
I’ll probably relent because I cannot help my nature for caring about others, particularly the victims of bullies, but in this moment all of those who delude themselves into believing the nonsense that we live in greatest democracies, I really don’t give a shit. If Donald Trump rises from the near dead to being the next fascist puppet dictator, it is deserved.
WE give animals a bad name. Because all that any of us seem to really care about is if , ” I,” am amply provided for. If lobotomies were available on recreational demand, I’d be tempted to escape this sentence of caring about equality and justice for all. Israeli soldiers are documented to have in non combative situations shot/murdered perhaps 1700 little children …. their only crime, where, like being born non white in the USA, they were born Palestinian. At Nuremberg the Nazi defense, of just following orders was not viable, nor should it be. These soldiers this Israeli regime is a carbon copy of the worst genocidal autocracies. Not just the acts of inhumanity but the gleeful and hateful looks on the faces of soldiers as they abuse and bully is sickening. And I really don’t give a shit if I offend anyone; if I do, just fuck off.
Margaret’s post jogged me into doing something about the vertigo I’ve been experiencing since I fell and broke my wrist in December. I found by googling the condition that matched my symptoms – Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) caused by crystals getting into the semi-circular canal.
On YouTube I found an excellent explanation of how to treat it..the Epley manoeuvre, by Fauquier ENT, and guess what- it worked!
Among the deaths of strangers I feel the worst about are those such as Dr. Andrew Gagnon, who was killed last week at the young age of 38 in a Utah skiing mishap:
https://apnews.com/article/sports-health-salt-lake-city-accidents-617a40f2d65222b8b0b351799dbeeda4
He was a young organ transplant surgeon who had already saved hundreds of lives. Such skilled individuals don’t exactly grow on trees, so yeah that’s an enormous loss on many levels..
I can think of numerous terribly parasitic people who live well into their 90’s, infusing demonic overtones into my own perception of a world supposedly only created through a long series of fortunate evolutionary accidents.
” I can think of numerous terribly parasitic people who live well into their 90’s, infusing demonic overtones…”
This thought has often crossed my mind, also.
Ugg and David, this thought just crossed my mind…..if I ever start a punk rock group, I’d call it The Demonic Undertones. What an awesome name for a band!
Renee, you can use Demonic Overtones if you want; I’m not clinging to any copyrights. Undertones, overtones…I’m neutral to the whole thing.
Jo,
glad it worked for you!
I managed to find a clear set of instructions to practice the maneuver, and tried it out.
it was different from the one my physician showed to me, as in the version on the web I needed to turn over to the other side before finally moving back to a vertical body position.
at first it seemed I was still stuck in the first effect of increased drowsiness, but that seems to be dissipating.
my neck is a bit sore, but that happened a few times these days, headaches included.
the tension and less body movements might be part of that.
I will not go to my Pilatus training though next week either, that seems to be too tricky with all its fast and big movements.
it was good to read though on the web it takes about 4 weeks on average to heal for most persons.
that will be a relief as this kind of balance trouble interferes so much with daily life.
in my case some virus might be connected, as I feel tired and fall asleep a lot.
so well, just have to take it easy for a while I guess, not entirely unpleasant , the cats love it, long naps the three of us cozily together on my bed, purring, them, and snoozing, me…
M
a few years ago I was intrigued by a news item about a cigar shaped large object passing through our solar system at a very high speed, its trajectory not being that of a comet , its structure not being that of a rock or block of ice.
scientists would have to examine all the data they could gather during its brief passage.
I tried to search for more news from time to time but could not find anything new, until just now, in my audio library I ran into a book written by Abi, (Abraham) Loeb, a doctor in astronomy at Harvard, among many other qualifications.
he regards that event as the very first proof of extraterrestrial life .
his book is also called ‘extraterrestrial, with a subtitle about the first signs of extraterrestrial intelligence.
i am very curious to read it, the contents seem well written with a broad but scientific perspective.
it is great to finally have found this to feed my curiosity I carry for almost 5 years now!
it got very good reviews seemingly .
M
Margaret,
If it was indeed a cigar, that would be very strong evidence, but to me those aliens would be lacking in intelligence.
Phil
Based on the fact they bothered visiting this barbaric rock more than once ?? Don’t be too quick, Phil, they may be White, christian, conservative, and hermaphroditic..
WHY, OH, WHY, anyone, WHY, do I always get a persisting, repeating, full page Amazon AD for a Pet Enema, every time I come on the blog ? And how do I get it out of my life; I admit I’m a bit of a dog but I’m very, ‘ regular,’ in bowel function. I know Daniel projects that he judges me to being a lying bag of shit but, enuf.. (:
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
David, there have been discussions on pet medical problems here, including constipated cats and dogs. I don’t get those ads myself. Prunes work for me, but I doubt they’d eat them. What do you think Guru?
Phil & David, I never see any ads at all when I review the blog so I am oblivious to this problem. I never eat prunes, so I can’t comment there..
Perhaps just click on the ad, David and it might go away. I think the Amz algorithms may have mistaken our group for a pet health group. The conversation months ago between Otto and myself about our cats with megacolon was about the home enema and I posted the sale site for it, as such problems need to be addressed quickly for the cats. You can post something else that may be more appropriate from Amazon, and it could take its place, maybe? I do not get any ads, myself. Good luck.
S =^–^=
like the quick wit Phil; adds a bit o’ sparkle to the blog. Oh I do miss Patrick… as grating as he could be, and usually on invented cause, kept it interesting… but then he never picked me as a worthy target, and filled my need to protect a perceived underdog… keeps me from dealing with boring and unworthy me….
like the quick wit Phil; adds a bit o’ sparkle to the blog. Oh I do miss Patrick… as grating as he could be, and usually on invented cause, kept it interesting… but then he never picked me as a worthy target,
and filled my need to protect a perceived underdog… keeps me from dealing with boring and unworthy me…. cheers
Margaret, I vaguely remembered this story along with recalling the asteroid had some sort of weird name starting with “O”.
Sure enough, my memory was correct and the asteroid is Oumuamua. Hard to understand why just saying the word forces us to pucker our lips as though we’re preparing to smoke a cigar as you & Phil vaguely alluded to. Maybe the person who originated the name intended it so the name’s utterance would evoke a subliminal facial muscle memory for cigar smoking as a tacit acknowledgement of this interstellar object’s cigar shape. Here’s a quick article about it: https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/11/6/18068236/oumuamua-cigar-shaped-comet-asteroid-alien-spaceship-light-sail-harvard-astrophysical-journal
Maybe we’d be better off discarding my theory surrounding the name and accept Freud’s wisdom: “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”
Yes, I had already suspected Oumuamua was of some sort of Pacific Islander origin before having fun with my little cigar theory, and it is indeed a Hawaiian word.
I had a very bad day yesterday. I’ve been very triggered because, for one thing, my wife and I are not connecting well lately. She just keeps thinking of more things to keep herself busy with, and I don’t find anything I want to do. I took a long nap and went to be bed far earlier than usual in the evening, for no good reason. I had a snow day long weekend, but I can’t say I enjoyed it. I’m doing better today at work.
I went to group but didn’t find that I could talk about it, it felt like too much, I couldn’t do it, and also, it’s repetitive. I doubt anyone wants to hear about it. Struggling with all of that in group might have had a benefit anyway, even if I didn’t talk about it. I was also irritated because my wife kept passing through the room with the PC that I use for group. She doesn’t need to do that. It’s in the basement. She can wait a few hours.
I hate my job, but it was better having to go to work today. In the middle of the morning something shifted, I was remembering my childhood pain which this is all related to, and I had some feelings in my car during lunch. I feel somewhat back to “normal”, or hopefully slightly improved.
Phil
Phil believe it or not I am actually interested in reading more details if you want to write them out. I can’t guarantee the quality of my own feedback, though, if any.
Guru, I’m glad to know you’re interested; I appreciate that. Tonight I’ve had more feelings on this. I feel more relaxed and less angry and upset with my wife. There isn’t anything I can point to that she’s done, actually, other than interrupting my privacy during Zoom group, which isn’t that big an issue. But as I said, we’re not connecting well lately, and we have problems with intimacy.
I seem to have progressed through being triggered and angry in my old feeling, for the moment, and it moved into hurt and sadness. But I don’t know if it will improve what I’ve got going on here. Probably I should make more effort to fix things so that we’re relating as I’d like.
Phil
Sorry you’re going thru that Phil, I didn’t like that your wife interrupted your zoom privacy.
Margaret, I meant to add that I had a really stiff neck for a day or two after that manoeuvre, but the vertigo is gone. Ive had Labyrinthitis in the past, which is when a virus attacks the inner ear, and that lasts for a while, and you feel quite poorly with it. Hope you feel better.
Jo,
thanks for your 2nd comment, it felt good to read it, it gave me some possible perspective on what is going on with me, and some acknowledgement that me feeling so poorly is not just me being a ‘sissy’.
I looked up labyrinthitis, and it was at the same time disturbing and reassuring.
the viral one, which usually heals spontaneously, seems the best scenario, but reading about the bacterial type it becomes scary.
specially the fact it can cause the loss of hearing would be a real disaster for me, as I already have one deaf ear, and little to no eyesight.
today I had to cancel again my visit to my mom, due to bad headache this morning , little energy and dizziness.
the dizziness though seems to be very slowly diminishing, from very bad to bad to still a problem.
and apart of the headache I have no pain, so I suspect it is not a bacterial inflammation.
so that is where I am at right now.
my brother wrote he would come by tomorrow but I told him he would make me feel better still if he would go visit our mom so she is not for almost two weeks without a visit.
I reassured him I have help at hand and enough food, and am not terribly ill or suffering.
rest is what I need now, and time to heal.
the physiotherapist promised me to come by if she would have a cancellation, otherwise it will have to wait until next week Thursday.
right now as the nausea seem not triggered so often anymore , at least not in a dangerous way, if I move slowly, I am not even sure her exercises would still be useful, but of course she would be welcome so far, unless I get really fine soon.
i am very glad for you the maneuver worked so well, it sounds though you were for a long time, since December, with the dizziness, it must also have been scary for you, did you worry a lot about it? or was it also gradually improving still, which to me feels at least a bit reassuring.
to be honest my brother visiting right now, would make me feel tense, , I just want to rest, and tomorrow morning I have some assistance for an hour anyway, and possibly the physiotherapist too at some point, so adding another visit would feel like too much hassle.
but I do appreciate his offer certainly, and he would still be welcome if he would show up, but hopefully he would not use it once more to try to convince me to move to some kind of assisted living!
i am assisted already, in a place I like a lot, with plenty of space and safety for my two cats, who are great company for joined resting, smiley…
we doze off together quickly, sometimes me with a cat paw or cat head in the palm of my hand, a lovely way of dozing off and waking up…
sorry , long post, just nice to be able to share for a while,
M
A lovely way to sleep Margaret, whether for a night or forever.
yesterday my brother drove all the way down to bring me a load of food.
he had insisted on coming by, said i was the one being ill, our mom was ok and well looked after, so he wanted to come and visit me.
at first I tended to feel a bit tense, but then decided to give it a good go and despite of still feeling a bit weak due to the illness still lingering, i got out of bed early, took a nice hot bath and washed my hair, and got dressed, for the first time that week not staying in pajamas.
good thing I did, as he came around way before lunchtime, not in the afternoon as usual.
and hey, it was just nice, all the things he brought, so sweet, two different kinds of home made soup he had cooked, another large jar of soup from the store, a pasta dish, nice brands of fresh cheese with fruit, fresh chopped frout mix, three different kind of freshly baked cookies, a large packet of chocolates, apple juice and oranges…
and some boxes of cat litter…
he was relieved I did not look as bad as he had expected, had tea with me, did not force me to eat while he was there, for which I was thankful, and we had a pleasant chat.
he told me he would goo back straight home, as a visit from our mom would take more time than he had that day.
it was nice to have allowed him to take care of me, while not needing it in a practical way, i had a lot of food in the house, it still was a treat and a very nice one, and it was so nice to just enjoy the warmth and kindness without being defensive.
I felt he enjoyed it as well.
the cats got a treat from him as well, and I still smile thinking back of the nice time we spent together.
he left early afternoon, so I could go rest and had a nice nap with the cats beside me.
we also exchanged some nice messages afterwards, I praised the soup and thanked him for the nice visit and he replied it was a pleasure with a hug and a grinning cat added.
sounds trivial maybe to some, or the opposite to others, writing about it is for me an expression of how nice and healing all of this felt, in restoring our ‘good terms’.
and moving to assisted living was not mentioned once!
still smiling and a warm feeling in my heart.
M
Margaret, that sounds like a very nice visit, indeed. It’s amazing how a good connection and thoughtfulness can be uplifting and healing. I’m glad it went well.
It reminds me of my bro and the nice things brothers do. My only contention with mine is, I’m a little too busy rescuing cats. The last litter in the neighbor’s yard I fed because they needed more nourishment than their wild mom could give them. My bro said I should just let nature take its course. I said you know I can’t do that. Hah, yeah, he knew that already. The litter is eight months old now, neutered, happy and scampering about.
Enjoy your treats, Margaret, and rest well.
S. =^–^=
I have some good news to report. Because my insurance made me switch pharmacies I ran out of blood pressure pills, and took the last one one last Tuesday.. According to information I found, it was cleared from my body by 48 hours, however my blood pressure reading are staying the same, in the lower range. So, it seems like I have this problem under control and no longer need to be medicated, thanks to tips from people and information from the internet. My doctor didn’t have much to do with it but I guess I should notify him. I will have to stay with the things which have been working, but I’m real pleased with this outcome. especially since my BP was extremely high to begin with, not just borderline elevated..
Phil
That’s great, Phil. And a great effort on your part. 🎈🎈
S
Daniel,
I don’t know if you’re still regularly catching up with the blog or not; I just wanted to thank you again for going through the extensive effort you did in tracking down the Chinese instrumental song I asked about six months ago. I likely would have never found it on my own, for I tried my own methods of searching and gave up on it. You even tracked down the exact melody I was looking for which I’m linking here:
Without overdoing the details, I can only say the melody between 0:36 and the 1:10 mark represents a sort of helpless shock at watching greatness, affluence, and the finer things in my life I was tenuously trying to stay connected with steadily melting away from me, and I was completely helpless to reverse any of it in some meaningful way.
It was very much the same feeling as Arch the police detective sliding his back down a wall behind him, helplessly letting his rear end plant itself on the floor as he vacantly gazes at the world around him in shock after being shot multiple times by the hitman Billy Score (Henry Silva) in the movie Sharky’s Machine. That’s the best way I can picture this shock at losing all those good things, strangely enough.
Please note I am not trying to endorse or criticize the aforementioned movie in any way; it was one of many, many movies my dad took me to watch when I was a kid. The scene with Bernie Casey sitting wounded on the floor in a state of shocked exhaustion was all I wanted to use.
I’ve been trying to understand and hopefully break myself out of a useless loop where I went into a mad scramble, physically, running around trying to reclaim my old ‘good life’, only to fail and collapse in a shocked, exhausted state of woundedness just like Bernie Casey. Each successive attempt, each mad scramble to find mamma and grab my old life back growing more despairingly fruitless, The state of resting from the scramble in a collapsed, wounded heap lasting longer and longer with each unsuccessful try until finally I didn’t want to stand up any more..
The semi-morose piano sample between the 2:00 and 2:40 mark from this timeless classic also captures the feeling of the ‘beautiful finery and affluence slipping away from my life’ I mentioned earlier:
Lots of music seems hauntingly lonely to me. It’s like a loss of young love or being away from friends for the summer. It probably goes back to my baby self since I get a gut sensation of pressure listening to the longing-for tunes. Maybe it’s that first separation from Mama, no longer attached that resonates but with all the now adult feelings of missing someone. Movies with good music does that for me when the story has lost love as a part of the theme.
A good movie on you tube is “Cairo Time” with Patricia Clarkson, (free there, if anyone is interested.) Lots of beautiful music with a Mideast cultural flavor, from the year 2009.
Thanks for the music, Guru.
S
Sylvia, I can often tell when I am close to crying about something, even today when I’ve been away from LA for many years, I tend to blink my eyes a lot when it happens, and I suspect my old therapists could simply watch the blinking of my eyes for cues to formulate reflective statements they can bounce back at me so I can ‘get the job done’ with actual crying,.
I used to cry so much at the Institute my 3-week therapist once kidded me saying, “Crying is supposed to be therapeutic, not an aerobic exercise.” I still laugh about that one.
I’ve been away from the action long enough to where it’s very frustrating for me to be close to crying but not really crossing the precipice.
Guru, I don’t cry much, just tear-up when an emotion hits me. That seems to be all I need for a feeling to happen. I wouldn’t discount your blinking tears effects even if they are at the edge of feeling. I have had uncontrollable crying, but it hasn’t happened that often. Unbearable feelings usually happen for me as sensations, and little crying. I think it’s an internalization of pain.
Have y’all watched NetFlix, ” Don’t look up, ” ? Had to watch it twice. The first time the ,’ chuckle,’ factor was in control, given it’s reflection of the, ‘ Q,’ conspiracy madness that has engulfed our Countries. Given the production confines of the time I think it is quite the feat of , ‘ filmography.’ Following Ricky Gervais on Youtube. Hard to decipher his comedic, satiric, ‘self,’ from when he’s coming from his true spot. The hard biting narrative is even a bit too much for me at times, who once worked amid the realities of systems that deliberately seek to disenfranchise the serfs serving the financial masters.. Now there’s a title for a book, ‘The Levels of Serfdom, the Caste System of the,
” Free,” World’ 😦 (:
David, just so you don’t think I’m ignoring you and only speaking to Sylvia…I can only say I’ve never had Netflix. I did enjoy your George Carlin skit you posted a while back, though. At this point in my life, though, I’ve given up on trying to resolve the depth and depravity of the world’s corruption and I only now view it as some sort of artistic, epistemological phenomenon unto itself that I can only gaze at while I struggle to wrestle what I want out of life individually.
My brain already gets overloaded with too many incoming ‘useless garbage concepts’ which I have to manage and filter into a more useful form, so I don’t know if paying money to subscribe to 200 more television channels would solve that problem for me.
Maybe ‘useless garbage concepts’ as a phrase is way too harsh and unloving towards the originators of said concepts, and that would make me sad since the propagators may be innocently chattering to the best of their own knowledge.. Let’s just settle for ‘superfluous concepts’ to make things more placid and lovey-dovey, instead.
Guru, you can catch the trailer of the movie, “Don’t Look Up” on You Tube. It is a type of ‘Cliff Notes’ of the movie, so you get the gist of it. I thought it was interesting. Good to see Meryl Streep as President.
OK, I’ll take a look shortly.
Glad I could be of help, Guru. Your comments about your helplessness in reversing your fortunes are poignant.
I’ve been having some big feelings about my grandmother this week. A long time coming because I seem to want to diminish her importance and memory from my childhood. She lived in her house right next door to ours, about 30 feet away. She came over and helped out, with breakfast and dinner etc. She did grocery shopping and drove me places, but the emotional support just wasn’t there. I remember looking at her house from our window, or from outside, and feeling like I wanted more from her. When she was done with us she went home to her house. She’d be with us later on Christmas Eve.
I could go there any time I wanted, and sometimes did as I got older, but that isn’t the point.
For some reason this song has been helping a lot. I certainly have mixed emotions about her but otherwise the words don’t fit. It doesn’t matter. It’s an amazing vocal performance.
Phil
Roland & Curt are buddies again and Tears for Fears is back again with a new album due out shortly:
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/tears-for-fears-the-tipping-point/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab8c&linkId=153041681
I was hugely surprised at the alcohol discussion in the article. I figured after so many years of Primal they would have been as clean as Mormon missionaries by this point. Maybe the world is so hopelessly tough and dishonest it’s impossible for anyone to become squeaky clean.
Guru, I’ve known some Mormons in the past. They do abstain from tobacco, alcohol and coffee and tea because it is habit forming or addictive. But I did notice one family who really stocked up on the chocolate. It’s a mood elevator. Good thing it isn’t prohibited in the doctrine because everyone needs a little help with emotional pain.
Thanks for sharing this interview with Tears for Fears, Ugg. I really enjoyed it. I was a huge fan of them when I was a teenager. I don’t believe that either Curt or Roland did primal therapy. I think one of their ex-partners did, possibly Roland’s ex who later died of alcoholism. I’m not sure. But am sure that the only way to become squeaky clean is to take lots of baths/showers. It has nothing to do with whether one uses or doesn’t use drugs or alcohol.
Renee, something tells me you already understood what I meant by ‘clean’ as a colloquialism from the old days in reference to abstaining from drugs and alcohol.
I’m going to have to guess that somewhere along the way, someone or some group of people had a tough feeling about the moralistic use of the word ‘clean’.
Now whenever I had tough feelings, Gretchen would tell me “That’s your feeling and others are not responsible for that.”
OK fair enough there, so why wouldn’t such a declaration be appropriate for the people who were originally offended by the usage of the word ‘clean’ when in reference to alcohol or drugs?
It doesn’t personally bother me that much. It almost seemed as though we’ve been forced to change our daily linguistic usage to accommodate unknown strangers’ harsh childhood feelings of being criticized which were never healed, even though we personally didn’t have anything to do with their situations from far away.
By the way, based on anecdotal information snippets I picked up over a long period of time I would honestly be very surprised if they had NOT primalled given how many tunes they belted out relating to the topic. The deep range of Roland’s old singing voice is another strong tip-off to me, as well.
* replace ‘they’ with ‘Roland and Curt’
Also, I’d consider replacing ‘daily linguistic usage’ from my post earlier today with “removal of the word ‘clean’ from my alcohol- and drug-related lexicon”. For some reason that did bother me rather than the ‘clean’ usage.
This did help me to feel cleaner in its own silly way.
Renee, Roland did PT for about eight years starting around the time of the 3rd Tears for Fears album. I read an interview with him some time ago, but it was a magazine article so unfortunately it’s not something I can point you to online.
I’m happy they’ve got a new album out. They’re sounding good!
I stand corrected, David. You are right. I did some research and found this interview, where Roland speaks about doing primal therapy, along with his and Curt’s meeting with Art Janov: https://thequietus.com/articles/13379-tears-for-fears-the-hurting-interview. It is at the end of the interview.
I got it, thanks. A Janov/Tears for Fears musical would have been interesting. Too bad they didn’t hit it off. He says primal theory has been absorbed into modern psychotherapy practices. Is that really true? I wouldn’t have thought so. But I agree with him that a good therapist doesn’t have to be primal. What the research shows is that the denomination of therapy is pretty much irrelevant, what counts for the client to make progress is the quality of the relationship and that the therapist is empathic. Actually, I would have thought that a therapist being empathic would be a baseline requirement.
I totally agree with you, David, that what matters most about therapy is the therapeutic relationship not the the therapeutic modality. And I believe that the research is solid about this. However, I don’t think that the therapeutic modality is irrelevant. It’s just not as important as the relationship. Has primal theory been absorbed into modern psychotherapy practices? My answer would be that some aspects of primal theory have been absorbed into some psychotherapy practices. But for the last few decades I think that the whole field of therapy has been dominated by cognitive therapies.
There was talk that Orzabal and Smith were coming to the PI when I was in therapy, 86/87; but then their popularity skyrocketed and took precedent. ” Songs From The Big Chair,” reduced me to a blob of slobbering slush. I had to leave the cassette at home; 10 -12 hour work days; 70% of my clients were in home visits and at first I played it in the car. I felt orphaned when I returned home from therapy. The luxury of feeling had to be controlled. I repurposed my basement recording studio to a primal room, still I had Backburner feelings to be a single Dad, and swallow them at work to be a colleague and a therapist. Listening to the songs I could even smell the distinct smell of the Primal rooms, the comforting aroma decades of tears and snot. The proof I hadn’t failed at one more thing, therapy. I was in that way in common with folks I’d met and hundreds I hadn’t, community. Writing this makes me feel so sad, so hopeless, so alone. My physical life is in it’s final chapter and I never got to live, laugh and smile live, find a family, a community, a place I belonged.
There’s not a song, in it’s entirety that fits my life story, a line a verse but not an entire song. A huge reason I stopped gigging.
I should clarify something I mentioned earlier: “Now whenever I had tough feelings, Gretchen would tell me “That’s your feeling and others are not responsible for that.”
That does sound as though Gretchen is often brutally standoffish where it would be more accurate for me to say she is often highly empathetic and a ‘concerned loving parent’ too.
Human brains are ridiculously complex and adaptive, so different stances are more appropriate for different moments.
Fortunately, working with me is simple. Completely loving & worshipful, starry-eyed adulation is almost always the right approach.
I don’t think Gretchen was standoffish with that reply Guru, especially not brutally, maybe a little ‘in your face’ reality, but we all need that from time to time. I actually chuckled at you saying she is ‘often’ a concerned loving parent, I picture her more of a ‘can we insert a microchip in her inner ear so that we know where she is at all times’ kind of concerned parent. Much like me.
I totally, 100% agree with your last sentence. My problem was how much I needed it, and how often I had to ‘perform’ to get it
Well this is rather awkward, Barry, for I wrote that last sentence in jest. I have a very dry wit sometimes that’s generally very boring and confusing for most.
Ah, but many a truth is said in jest. 🙂
A few times Barry said to me, ” David, don’t go down that road it’s a wrong path.” Great guidance, I think, but , as well, in that space I felt admonishment, and as a child, a young teen, admonishment for, ..getting ,’IT,’ wrong was followed with violent physical and verbal abuse, and, exile. I would freeze. Never speak my thoughts or feelings. stay safe. Now, 76, I still freeze, when my honesty, veracity, are challenged, if the person doubting mt matters to me,and I cower waiting for that iminent blow or kick to land. My childhood explanation script had to be flawless in honesty, and in facts, that could be checked to exonerate myself, to no avail. That, to was deserving of even harsher punishment.
Defending others was compensation I think.
With Renee talking about cognitive therapy being dominant nowadays, I’m reminded of how terrible it would be if the Primal movement shrinks further or disappears. The world is already significantly crazier than when I went to LA. which makes crying out one’s internal madness and frustration that much more critical.
Despite my own misgivings towards Art driving me to seek care at Vivian’s place, I only hope the ability to facilitate crying doesn’t become an extinct skill, lost to the vapors of history like so many ancient indigenous languages with their knowledgeable speakers dying off.
A rich selection of potential interlocutors here on the blog.
Or at the very least a few dialogists, wealthy or otherwise.
still get the pet emema ad every time I log on….
the post expanded my literacy by 2 words….
I had some big feelings today, helped by this song. “I’m getting old before my time”, Dinah Washington. The words don’t quite fit, but they are good enough. I watched my mother get old before her time, way before her time. It was terrible, I saw it happen over many years and then
she was dead. Not just get old, deteriorate in a terrible way.
I had no help with that, no hugs, no nothing. It was already huge, but in addition, there was no help. That’s what I was crying with today. No wonder it seems like it’s taking forever to get through it.
Phil
wow, there’s a coincidence; listened to that yesterday; feelings around my grandfather’s death. , no tears, just relentless cold emptiness and that ball high in my gut; in the real time I was crying silently; my mother asked why I was crying, I said I was just a little boy, 8, but I was an old man. She called me retarded. I froze waiting for the blows that never came that time
https://read.amazon.ca/kp/card?preview=inline&linkCode=kpd&ref_=k4w_oembed_p4jC373MbWg8iG&asin=B0194HCFIY&tag=kpe Amazon Pet Enema ad evrey f’n time I log on here….. revenge of some covert shit storm… cannot figure how to dump it permanently….
David, I gave a short explanation of how the ad got there Feb. 7th on the blog if you want to scroll up to it. I don’t think it is any covert vengeance, just an algorithm error. Not sure how to get rid of it–perhaps you’ll want to post something else, another product from amazon and it might take its place?
I’m not that paranoid, yet, ( smiley face,) Sylvia. Thanks for the tips
Oh, Uh, me and Amazon got a bad thing goin’… I’m locked out of my account.. On the same day, same time, ‘dudes,’ in Miami Florida, and Orange Co, Ca bought Sony Play Stations, plus an iPhone 12 diver’s waterproof cover, using my illegally obtained personal info. The Playstations they had shipped to themselves, the iphone cover, to me, using the proper address. I was able to have the Playstation charges reversed,; I got dinged with the phone cover cost. Then Amazon secured my account. To access it I successfully changed my Password, but it’s a double verification process, the 2nd proof of ID is a OTP sent to a cell number that has to be responded to be entered within a short time sensitive period. There is no cell service where I live. I have to drive 20 miles to get signal. I tried that twice; raced to get signal, rec’d the code, raced back, code had expired. A different kind of, ‘ racism.’ I refused receipt of the cover at the Post Office, returned direct, with the info, ” Customer Refuses Shipment Never Ordered This ITEM.” Called Amazon, no e-customer service anymore, and, let’s just say it was unfruitful; just a call center somewhere, manned by pleasant folks who cannot fathom the grifters from the honest, and, that have no vested interest in the company. No sense yelling or pleading. So I stay polite until I hang up, and then I cut loose, my favourite meditative chant and blessing is, ‘ you dirty fucking stupid cocksuckers, you don’t know if your asshole is molded, punched, or drilled….’ Learned that bit of christian scriptural blessing from my first employer, Irish Rory, in LA who hated Jewish customers and loved berating them if their husband was not home when we made the delivery. Me being a good Canadian boy would apologize for him and try to comfort the sobbing ladies and their terrified children. It never produces the balm I long for but it’s all I got…. ( smiley face) I cannot register for a new account because their records show I already have one. I don’t ever intend to purchase anything through them again, but, if I could open one, I could slam it closed, with the blessing in the comments. A wee tad of satisfaction.
Oh I must clarify, the ladies would say we would have to leave a bill because they didn’t have any cash to pay Rory, and he only accepted cash.,” no cheques from Jew customers, he’d snarl.” Rascist fuck he was. Great guy, otherwise. I found a new employer who was much worse. The 3rd was a gem.
1974. slowly i turned. step by step. anyway, i only listen to music rarely now. 1974. i allowed myself to let 1974 come into my head with a few songs. snuck up on me and i felt the bat hit me in the stomach. a year of great sorrow and maybe joy and unfounded hope. ok cant feel that shit. immense pain there. sorry ukraine. world screwed you
Otto: The only song I could immediately trace to 1974 was Emerson, Lake, and Palmer’s “Lucky Man”. Somehow the theme of the song doesn’t seem apropos for the moment, so I decided not to post a YouTube video.
I don’t expect many people to care about this, but I’m really really sick right now and I don’t have many people at all to tell that to.
My appetite is gone, very painful to even move around, feeling sore all over.
I also am missing dad terribly still. I wanted to post a childhood photo with him, yet I have no energy to start a WordPress website now for that.
I’m feeling completely demoralized, crushed, the bones in my body wanting to spread apart in a haphazard pile.
I’ve been living in a 60 degree house all winter with heavy clothes on. Taxing my soul greatly, a cumulative effect of cold wearing me down.
I’m not feeling good at all and I wish I had a loving and caring person worried about me instead of an impartial barren wasteland.
I also am missing Jack a little bit as well. I’m feeling really terrible right now and I’m needing someone to care. Yes yes, I know my attempt at converting impartial adults into loving caring parents is ‘neurotic’.
I’m just wiped, man. It’s all too much.
Guru,
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling sick. What do you think you have?
I hope you feel better soon. Spring is coming, that may help.
Phil
Phil I immediately laid down after my last post, hence the delay. This is the first time I’ve been really ill in at least 3-5 years. I cant write anymore. Just no energy, but thanks for giving a damn.
David says:
March 2, 2022 at 9:09 pm
SHOCKING Video evidence.
Disgusting criminality; the oppression of Palestinian citizens, daily brutalized inside the Horror Prison Camp Israel calls,
‘ Palestine;’ Children, non ambulatory, included. The rehearsed, Stormtrooper Cowardess of another Democratic / Fascist, political schism mentality, Israel, Democracy for Jews, Hellish Fascist Aggression for Occupied Palestinians. With the World’s attention rightly focused on Russian invasion of Ukraine, Israel might feel extra levels of invisability of it’s unchecked war crimes against Palestinians.
As is happening in Russia only Israeli Jew citizens can stop this madness. The , ‘ Free World,’ must stop it’s complicity in the Israel attempts of genocide against Palestinians
0:02 / 8:13
#TYT #IndisputableTYT #News
Israeli Police Attack Palestinian Muslims Celebrating A Holiday Playing
WARNING CONTENT IS DISTURBING
Thanks for posting this, David. It is hard to watch this insane brutality. Take a listen to Gabor Mate providing some context to the video you posted: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dhp31OcHdTo. “Gabor Maté – Israel Palestine and Trauma”.
Renée, David said many times that he has a firm understanding of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and he also made it abundantly clear that he pretty much shares your views – both current and historical – on it. Why did you feel he needs “context” for this or that occurrence in the conflict?
(I’m not going to go into Gabor Maté’s “analysis” of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, my opinions on this matter have been stated on this blog before. Whatever it is, it is a far cry from “context”).
Trying to type more. The reason I keep my thermostat at 60 at all times is completely straightforward: To save money on natural gas heating costs. Winter temperatures this year have been 10% colder than normal AND my own natural gas costs have doubled compared to last year.
$330 per month for two months (plus smaller bills before and after) when temp is kept at 60.
If I had the thermostat at 72, I estimate these bills would be $550-$600 per month.
I absolutely hate having to wear heavy clothes and fingerless gloves to cope with the 60 degree thermostat setting….but I’m highly fearful of my own long-term survival prospects.
When I look back to when I was a teenager visiting my maternal grandmother, I was always in a bit of awe at how well off she was. Given the $3,000 per month rents she was paying during her last decade of life she would have smirked at the extra heating costs as a laughable afterthought.
It shows how far I’ve fallen and how I can’t seem to make everything better.
I mean like, my grandparents’ closest neighbor was a major league baseball player who would occasionally take me to little league games with his kids. Glimpses of greatness which slipped through my fingers like water because of mom’s stupid car crash, the ramifications of which I had no real understanding of for so many years.
I’m trying not to have what happened in my life ‘troll’ me for a lifetime, but it’s hard not to because the long-term impacts were so crazily profound.
I feel extremely discouraged writing all this out. Maybe I should lay down again.
Bill Jones says:
March 5, 2022 at 2:05 pm
I’d like to share some good news.
I have complained of a lack of energy for years. I’d wake up fairly ok and crash about 2:00pm. I’ve told this to psychiatrists and general physicians and was given help for sleep apnea. I couldn’t tell if my fatigue was from side-effects to my anti-psychotic med, glucose levels, sleep apnea or what. I sensed it wasn’t old feelings or depression. In fact, one of my doctors said if my fatigue was from depression or sleep apnea I’d be down all the time instead of waking ok and going downhill..
Strangely, some times in the past I could sink into the feeling of “I feel so depressed” and feel better. It was a feeling unto itself.
It seems I was simply overdosing on caffeine. Caffeine is so strange. It has a reputation for giving energy, but above a certain level it was making me tired and sick. If I wasn’t feeling ok I’d take more and more in the hopes it would help and it backfired on me.
Years ago I heard of “sleep deprivation” for depression. If we get up very early, it helps. Just going to sleep late doesn’t.
Also, my neurologist at Kaiser who specializes in sleep said too much sleep can make a person “sleep drunk.”
Reply
David says:
March 7, 2022 at 8:48 am
looking forward to comments on this. Both caloric and sleep ,’deprivation,’ affect me. I try to practice, if I ‘ wake up, get up Going back to sleep really makes me feel quite ill, brain and body….
I used to drink a lot of coffee, but can’t drink it at all anymore, because caffeine now gives me acid. I definitely noticed that too many cups could have a contradictory effect on my energy levels. I think I’m better off without it, although it hasn’t been easy. I’m slow to fully wake up and get going, but I’m not suffering from a lack of energy, unless I’m sleep deprived. I have a lack of ambition, but that’s OK too.
Phil
Now if I simply pass the cursor over the PI email, and the page, ‘ Amazon Enema,’ stalks me.
New thingy; starting 2 posts ago, when I return to my email page after commenting, ‘ Lo and Behold spam from ,’ feel better,’ providers, that evades my SPAM net, that is ‘piggybacking’ trusted contact.
Sophisticated or what ?
David, maybe it would help if you would clear the history on your internet browser, including the cookies. Sorry, I can’t help laughing about the pet enema people stalking you. Or you could try a different browser. I have Google Chrome and Microsoft Edge. Lucky for me Amazon doesn’t stalk me on WordPress, but I do get a lot of ads on other websites I visit.
Phil
Daniel, I think you’re being dishonest. I have no doubt that if you posted some shocking video and I added something to give context to it, that agreed with your belief system, you would not have a problem with it! Furthermore, I think your need to try and invalidate a context that you abhor by adding quotes to the word context and the word analysis is pure laziness! A critical part of Gabor’s analysis involved these statements: “In order to make the Jewish dream a reality, we had to visit a nightmare on the local population. You couldn’t create a Jewish state without expelling and oppressing the local population. The expulsion of the Palestinians was persistent, pervasive, cruel, murderous and deliberate.” And it’s on-going, as David’s video clearly shows. I would also add these recent events: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2DhIG6gn9c; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4wVYYQXTdQ&t=22s. Maybe I’m getting old and don’t remember if you provided any counter-arguments to any of these past or on-going atrocities. I’m curious as to how you would counter this with your, more status-quo, perspective.
A couple more things, Daniel. Upon reflection, in addition to adding a much needed context for some readers who are not that focused on or aware of what has happened and is happening in this part of the world, I also wanted to share the video of Gabor Mate speaking on this subject. I only very recently came upon it and found it very moving, heartfelt and poignant. Upon deeper reflection, I think I needed to recoil and escape from the horror of David’s video by listening to a calm and empathetic voice who could explain such horrors in a way that made sense to me. A defense. The images in the video reminded me of images I’ve seen of how Nazis treated Jews…. like objects to be brutalized. Not human beings. While the world watches. A perfect illustration of your question to me once about how history repeats itself.
“DOG” ! that ain’t no comedy. its a tearjerker. i got depressed today for many reasons. one big one–summer is on the way, with its unbearable heat. jeez, what a tearjerker.
no cure for the very very early days when i must have heard ‘i can’t stand it when he’s awake. nothing gets done’. this must have happened a billion times in those early days, because when my back is up against the wall, i chant that about my wife with hatred and white heat anger. under my breath, so she doesn’t hear. so as i see it, somebody or somebodies did not particularly care for my existence on this planet. like putin and all the millions of people he hates. fucking pencil dick putin
Renée,
I didn’t really want to go into that Gabor Mate’s clip because we’ve been there before. However, since you bring it up again let me just say to following:
First of all, a definition. It’s from the Oxford dictionary. CONTEXT is “The circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood”.
As an aside, the circumstances of the establishment of the state Israel are too far away, too general and too complex to “form the setting” for a single, present-day procession/demonstration (event) that met with police violence. They may be somewhere in the very distant and very broad background for the conflict as a whole, but still give no real information or understanding or context as to why this particular procession/demonstration was met with police violence while many similar others never do, including those held that same day. In other words, as context they are flimsy.
For my main argument, I’d like to take two of Gabor Maté’s statements. The first, which you repeat as “context”, is
Please remember our working definition, that context is “The circumstances that form the setting for an event… and in terms of which it can be fully understood”. Now, did the Jews “have to visit a nightmare on the local population”? And, is it really the case that Jews “could not have created a Jewish state without expelling the local population?” I’m asking these questions because Gabor fails to mention that the Jews fully accepted the UN resolution to partition Palestine into two states. In other words, not only the Jews didn’t have to visit a nightmare on the Arabs, but they also thought it feasible and sensible to create their Jewish state without expelling anyone.
So, if the Jews agreed to a Jewish state on a part of Palestine, and also thought it possible to create it without expelling anyone, how is it that such a “nightmare” befell the Palestinians. Well, they refused to accept the UN partition plan and started a war which they eventually lost. Now regardless of one’s opinion on this conflict surely a major civil war between the parties is part of the circumstances, don’t you think? And if it is, how come Gabor fails to mention it? How come there is not a clue in Gabor’s words to the Partition Plan, the Arab refusal, and the war they started?
Omitting crucial facts and circumstances such as a civil-war immediately disqualifies any analysis from being “context”, not to mention it makes it intellectually dishonest. It was very disappointing to see Gabor falling into this splitting trap where one, for ideological but IMO emotionally based reasons, must see the Palestinians as helpless and righteous victims who had nothing to do with what happened to them (and of course, therefore, the story must contain an evil now incarnated in the Jews).
Gabor’s claims are so blindly biased that he even becomes a casualty of the easily falsifiable. In his rush to condemn Israel and declare it evil he states that, “in Israel, you’re not allowed to mention the Nakba” (which is how the Palestinians call the disaster that befell them). Let’s look at this claim with impartial eyes. It’s easy. Without leaving your desk, seat, or sofa, here’s what you do: 1) go into Google Translate and find the Hebrew word for Nakba; 2) copy the Hebrew translation and paste and run a search in a major Israeli newspaper to find dozens of news items, article and opinion pieces on the Nakba; 3) to be on the safe side, run the same search on another Israeli newspaper and find the same. You can also look for and discover many books published in Israel about the Nakba. After doing all this, do you still believe that “in Israel, you’re not allowed to mention the Nakba”? Not if you have any shred of intellectual integrity left.
To sum up, these statements are not context provided by the fair historically minded but the political parroting of the foolishly misguided at best or the ideological indoctrination instructed by the politruk at worst.
By the way, this has nothing to do with being pro-Palestinian, mind you, I have no problem with Gabor or you advocating for their rights. Nor do I mind pointing to or calling out Israel’s misdeeds. But it has everything to do with intellectual honesty and integrity. One can be intellectually honest and still be pro-Palestinian.
Couple of additional points. You wrote that David’s video “clearly shows” that the expulsion of Arabs which began in 1948 is “on-going”. I don’t know how you have surmised that from that particular video, but be that as it may, how do you explain that in 1948, after the war, there were about 160,000 Arabs in Israel, that in 2000 there were about 1,000,000 Arab citizens in Israel, and today there are about 2,000,000? How is that commensurate with an on-going, 75 years long history of expulsion?
Had you ever considered what would have happened had the Arabs won in 1948? This was certainly a very real possibility, after all they wouldn’t have picked up arms had they not been convinced of their victory. Do you imagine subjugation? Deportation? Annihilation? I’m not sure how aware you are of the events that took place and the conditions that existed in those days. The Jews who accepted a neutral compromise fought for their life against an enemy who rejected it while declaring in statements and actions their genocidal intentions. Had the Arabs won, perhaps they wouldn’t have carried it out, but this was the impression among the Jews and it wasn’t baseless.
In 1999 Bill Morgan was an Australian truck driver, living in a caravan, when the worst of all happened: He was involved in a serious car accident. Bill survived the accident but the drugs he received during his treatment caused a severe allergic reaction, so severe his heart stopped. Bill was declared clinically dead, and it took the staff 14 minutes to get his heart pumping again. Fourteen minutes – way longer than the few minutes it takes an oxygen-starved brain to develop permanent damage.
That’s exactly what it seemed like in Bill’s case: he was in a coma and considering how long he was dead the doctors advised his family to remove his life support and let him die.
Only twelve days later the man woke up, his brain functions intact. Shaken by the experience Bill decided to re-evaluate his life. He gave up trucking and asked Lisa, his girlfriend, to marry him. When Lisa accepted Bill was beside himself with joy, felt lucky, and as others who had felt lucky before him, he bought a lottery scratchers ticket.
Well, scratching the ticket our Bill won a car worth seventeen thousand Australian dollars (about 24,000 USD).
Bill’s wonderful story spread like wildfire and the Melbourne media was all over him. During a human-interest piece profiling him for a local channel he was asked to buy and scratch a new lottery ticket, dramatizing the original winning scratch. Bill agreed, bought a ticket, and scratched it. He then stopped, looked at the camera, and instead of saying something like, “I won a car”, along the lines of this dramatization, he said: “I just won 250,000. I’m not joking”.
It was the largest possible win for the type of ticket bought (worth today around 350,000 USD). The news piece exceeded expectations, to say the least. “I just hope he hasn’t used all his good luck up”, his fiancée later told the media.
Here’s how it aired:
About two months after I returned home from the Institute I bought a few dollars worth of home state lottery tickets because the jackpot had built up to a large amount over time and it was a mathematical overlay ($1 cost for a 1-in-3.5 million chance of winning a $4.5 million after-tax lump sum plus added theoretical value from fixed smaller prizes).
I hit 5 out of 6 numbers on one of the tickets for a $600 prize. So close yet so far away.
I just figured it was a mysterious carryover of all the bitter tears I cried at the Institute a short while earlier. Bitter tears indeed.
I still remember the numbers such that if I had had an ’18’ instead of a ‘4’ on my ticket I would have likely walked away as the sole winner of the $4.5 million after tax lump sum, since the prize carried over to the following drawing and the incremental increase was still fairly small, indicating only limited interest from the public at the time.
I try to put a positive spin on it and think of many others who also had near misses to hitting the jackpot. Also, there are some horror stories of huge prizes expiring unclaimed. There are actually a few prizes from Powerball and MegaMillions worth over $10 million which expired unclaimed. One lady even lost a $26 million ticket because she ruined it in a washing machine.
There’s something insanely idiotic to be said about our society when a little slip of paper that is lost or destroyed can make all the difference between a lifetime of decadent self-indulgent luxury or a lifetime of gritty, hard-nosed penury and bitter wage slavery. It does make me appreciate a bit more why Jack always said money is stupid.
Indeed. So sorry you didn’t make that 6th number. A near miss is even more cruel. If anyone ever deserved to win it’s you.
In hindsight, had you won do you think you would have used/spent the money wisely?
Daniel, I looked at that incident as very frustrating, irritating, and a bit traumatizing yes….but I don’t think I would go so far as to term it as ‘cruel’.
I think a story falling more under the purview of ‘cruel’ would be something like this poor 11 year-old girl killed by tripping and falling under the wheel of a school bus a couple weeks ago: https://www.wfla.com/news/national/11-year-old-colorado-girl-killed-after-falling-under-moving-school-bus/
The ‘near miss’ I suffered with that lottery draw was mostly a highly frustrating illusion. The odds of hitting 5 out of 6 numbers was 15,000-to-1 while hitting the jackpot was 3.5 million-to-1, a difference of over 230 times!
It certainly looked like a very close miss when staring at the actual ticket (I remember yelping “holy shit!” when I stared at the five accurate numbers), but in reality the near misses are much, much more commonplace than actual hits.
Yes, I would have handled at least the vast majority of the winnings responsibly (at least after settling down a bit from artificial feeling of being invincibly special the first year or so).
I’m going to change the topic a little here. Last evening after an intense workout playing racquetball I was left feeling open and raw. I’ve been noticing that extreme physical exertion can do that to me. I can’t usually do anything with that, but last night I ended up having a primal about abusive tickling by my father, at what felt like age 3 or 4.
I’m getting a better understanding on why, as I got older, I wanted to get away from him. He could be abusive and manipulative, and although he had a lot of good qualities too, that ruined it for me.
Phil
I did the right thing treating him like that, keeping him at a distance. I shouldn’t even call what he did tickling, it was abuse. I’m starting to see that my grandmother was probably the only parental figure I had who was safe. She was lacking any warmth, however, and didn’t live in our house. She didn’t punish or spank, for example. I had feelings about her too last night.
Phil
Phil,
that is interesting, that the racket ball helped you to get further into these feelings and insights.
do you feel it was the exercise, or maybe the game aspect as well, or something else that did have this effect?
M
Margaret,
Because racquetball is a fun game, and I’m very competitive, I easily push myself beyond some limit. I get out of breath and my heart rate goes up, which is expected, but in addition, I feel my throat start to get constricted. I think it’s because the exercise loosens my bodily defenses to primal pain. My throat automatically tightens up to stop it from coming out. It isn’t specific to any particular pain, just the load of it there pushing to come out, which can feel overwhelming, and hard to deal with.
Afterwards when I get home, although my body has calmed down, my feelings haven’t. If I played in the evening, like last night, I may have a lot of trouble sleeping. Last night, however, I was fine, having connected to some feelings.
Phil
Margaret, as far as the insights, that’s just because it’s where I’m at in the process, and sessions and group are helping tremendously. It’s a long time coming.
Yesterday I saw a big airplane flying low, and today a helicopter was buzzing about as they do from time to time to check the powerlines. It made me think of what the people of Ukraine are going through, that aircraft could drop bombs on me and my neighbors. People who look like me who have pets and wear warm clothes and drive about safely in their town could be subjected to instant death is just a horrid unimaginable thing, but it is real, and watching it all on the news brings their home.
S
I meant to say, ‘their reality home.’ Their war is so disturbing and senseless.
I agree with you, Sylvia. This war is horrid, disturbing and senseless.
One thing I find interesting is how often I hear the western media portray the war as “unprovoked”. After hearing it over and over again, it’s hard not to believe that this is an objective fact. But it isn’t. Take a look at this: https://fair.org/home/calling-russias-attack-unprovoked-lets-us-off-the-hook/
Putin finally went nuts and it’s going to be a disaster for untold numbers of people. If he was upset about the expansion of NATO, he could have done all sorts of economic sanctions against Europe using Russia’s vast natural resources as significant leverage to get his point across without firing a single bullet.
Given how massive Russia is geographically (already the world’s largest landmass) under Putin’s firm control with the help of his oligarch lapdogs, he made a stupendous blunder going after such a comparably tiny landmass of Ukraine.
According to Mr. Google, Russia’s landmass is 6.6 million square miles and Putin’s willing to obliterate his own economy and decimate his own peoples’ standard of living with deep worldwide sanctions working against him (not to mention Russian mothers crying out for their soldier sons’ bloodshed), all to take over the shattered remnants of Ukraine’s 233,000 square miles of land area which would add less than 4% of new landmass on top of the 6.6 million square miles Russia already controls.
Fucking stupid way to cap off a 22 year ruling legacy for Putin. He had a vast array of other options available to him to further his aims without committing reputational suicide.
Thanks, Daniel, for providing an official definition of “context”. However, I do not believe that the problem between us is that we are not agreeing on what this word means. It seems to me, that our fundamental difference is that you seem to believe that there is only one right context, with what you consider to be the right facts to understand this one context. I, on the other hand, believe that that there is more than one context with multiple facts, depending on our particular social location/perspective/biases/blind spots etc.
For example, you say that, “As an aside, the circumstances of the establishment of the state Israel are too far away, too general and too complex to “form the setting” for a single, present-day procession/demonstration (event) that met with police violence. They may be somewhere in the very distant and very broad background for the conflict as a whole, but still give no real information or understanding or context as to why this particular procession/demonstration was met with police violence while many similar others never do, including those held that same day. In other words, as context they are flimsy.” From your perspective, this makes total sense. From my perspective, the circumstances of the establishment of state of Israel are very much connected to the on-going brutal treatment of Israeli soldiers against Palestinian protesters. An appropriate analogy, I believe, would be the history of enslaved people in North America, which happened way before the creation of the state of Israel, being directly connected to the mistreatment of Black Lives Matter protesters. Whether we see on-going, persistent and pervasive oppression and brutality or simply an isolated incident that needs to be judged independently and ahistorically is a matter of perspective.
Another example is your statement that, if I understand you correctly, the Jews did not create a nightmare for the Palestinians by expelling them from the newly formed state of Israel, but that the Arab Palestinians somehow created a nightmare for themselves by not wanting to voluntarily leave their homes. According to your perspective/context, “they refused to accept the UN partition plan and started a war which they eventually lost”. From my perspective, the Arab Palestinians had good reasons to resist a colonizer wanting to partition their land and force some of them to move! If you’re interested, you can read about Arab Palestinian context here: https://pij.org/articles/106 ……“the main reason behind the opposition of the Arab Palestinians to the establishment of a Jewish State related to the future threat it posed to them and to the Arab world, as well as to Islamic and Christian holy places. They believed this state would eventually be able to deport the Palestinians from their own country, scattering them all over the world, in addition to plundering and confiscating their land. The Arab Palestinians also expected the Jews to encroach on their holy places, humiliate them, deprive them of their political and national rights, and deny their identity. Half a century later, we can say their fears were realized.”
You say that, “Omitting crucial facts and circumstances such as a civil-war immediately disqualifies any analysis from being “context”, not to mention it makes it intellectually dishonest.” I would respond by asking, whose crucial facts? And who gets to decide who is being intellectually honest and who is being intellectually dishonest? And for what purpose?
Another thing, Daniel. You refer to Gabor Maté’s statement about not being able to mention the Nakba in Israel, as “blindly biased”, “not fair historically minded”, “political parroting” and “foolishly misguided” and “ideological indoctrination”, among other things. I believe that Mr. Maté was referring to the Israeli Knesset (parliament) passing the “Nakba Law” in 2011. You can read about it here: https://www.972mag.com/nakba-refugees-israeli-denial/…….
“over the years, Israel did not move away from denial and toward recognition. Instead, Israeli denialism went from forgetting and erasing the Nakba in the early decades of its existence, to an open and public crusade against any mention of it during the 2000s….In 2011, the Knesset passed the so-called “Nakba Law,” which stipulates that state-funded institutions could lose their support if they allow the commemoration of the Nakba on Israeli Independence Day. The legislation was based on the ill-conceived notion that the Palestinian people — or any national group for that matter — can be intimidated into forgetting their national history.” So, from my perspective, your characterizations of Mr. Maté, consist of many projections. Again, I ask, whose context, whose facts, and for what purpose?
Finally, you say that “this has nothing to do with being pro-Palestinian, mind you, I have no problem with Gabor or you advocating for their rights. Nor do I mind pointing to or calling out Israel’s misdeeds. But it has everything to do with intellectual honesty and integrity. One can be intellectually honest and still be pro-Palestinian.” My reaction to this comment is that I don’t believe that you are being intellectually honest. I think that you have a knee-jerk response to any perspective/context that presents facts that could be interpreted as, to use your words, “evil now incarnated in the Jews”. I understand this defensiveness as being directly connected to the historical trauma of Jews. It makes sense. I just don’t agree with these traumas being passed onto other populations, like the Palestinians, with no accountability. Thankfully, I think this is starting to change.
Renee, do you think the state of Israel should be dissolved altogether?
..should have capitalized the ‘S’ in ‘State’, but meh…I am curious as to what your desired endgame is in all this discussion.
Ugg, ideally, my desired endgame is a one state solution, with Palestinians given full citizenship and treated with dignity and respect. In other words, a democratic and secular binational state, with a full Palestinian right to return, as described here: https://www.jacobinmag.com/2021/04/one-state-solution-israeli-palestinian-conflict-resolution-democracy-rights. Is this dissolving the State of Israel? Transforming it? I guess it depends on your perspective. To me this is the ideal. My fear is that if this happens and the Palestinians become the majority in government, they will do to the Jewish population what was done to them……put them in essentially open-air cages, with walls, barbed-wire fences and checkpoints and deprive them of their humanity. And history will repeat itself yet again.
Renee, OK thanks for your succinctly clear response. I know you didn’t specifically ask me for my own opinion, but if you don’t mind I’ll jot down a few random thoughts of my own here:
— I absolutely think your fears are well-founded that many Palestinians would mistreat Jews under one blended state
–As the Jacobin article stated, it is regrettable that a two-state solution couldn’t come to fruition after the Oslo Accords showed so much promise. I could certainly be persuaded that at least some of this was Israel’s fault
–I view the Jewish population as a besieged minority of only a few million people surrounded by a billion Arabs, so I can’t blame the Jews for being aggressively paranoid and wanting lots of heavy weaponry (including the Iron Dome defenses)
–I’ve read a fair number of Jacobin articles from years past, and I’ve long known the publication tends to lean far to the left on a broad range of issues. Some of those issues I would be a bit more conservative than Jacobin, including my own preference for trying for a two-state solution once more.
–When it was discussed here on the blog a year or so ago, I found myself leaning even further to the right than Daniel himself where the protection and study of ancient Jewish religious sites are concerned. Maybe this comes from my own hardened realization that irreplaceable ancient texts and structures can easily be destroyed, never to be learned from again by the relatively few remaining Jewish religious scholars in the world. Watching ISIS destroy Palmyra brings such concerns in stark relief for me.
I also confess a lot of ignorance on many of the particulars of the Israeli/Palestine conflict. I’m only an American Catholic peasant far removed from the scene with a passing interest in the saga.
I really need to be more careful with my writings, lest any misunderstandings arise:
“I view the Israeli Jewish population as a besieged minority of only a few million people surrounded by a billion Arabs, so I can’t blame moderate and right-wing Israeli Jews for being aggressively paranoid and wanting lots of heavy weaponry…”.
I should have been more specifically referring to ‘moderate and right-wing Israeli Jewish population’ above instead of carelessly and simply typing ‘Jews’. Silly mistake which can carry a lot of strange stereotypical messaging I didn’t want to say.
In other words, your answer to Guru is an unequivocal “Yes, the Jewish State should be dissolved”. Your only fear, rightly I think, it will turn into another Yugoslavia, i.e a bloodbath. And you’re joking about a “democratic, secular, bi-national State”, aren’t you?
By the way, to the best of your knowledge, is this solution acceptable to the Palestinians, for example, the Hamas movement? Do you happen to know what their demands are for Israeli Jews?
https://www.thecorsaironline.com/corsair/2022/3/15/why-does-putin-want-ukraine
Sylvia sent me this good essay (linked above) detailing why Putin invaded Ukraine. I was admitted not aware of how resource-rich the Crimean and Donbas regions were, so now I can see at least a *little bit* more logic behind Putin’s actions.
Still, though, concerted efforts to send in Russian oligarch controlled natural resource excavation companies (such as Rosneft) taking a management fee percentage while Ukraine gathers the rest of the profits could have been a viable diplomatic solution, among others.
The whole things has a lot of complexity and competing forces operating behind the scene my poor individual feeble brain may not be entirely privy to, so inevitably some of my comments will come from a place of ignorance.
This is only natural since my own personal problems have to take precedence somewhere. It’s not as though Putin and Zelensky are going to worry about me during my natural lifespans, will they?
Second sentence should read ‘admittedly not aware’
I gotta go for now, cya
I re-read my post and noticed other glaring typos, no time to correct them all. It was a rough draft, I beseech you dear reader to forgive me for this. cya
there’s a song i never had time to really examine. why is it making me cry. dont know the lyrics. this is one where i drive the 2 kids to school circa 1995 and listen to kroc all 3 of us. such a sad fucking time. their grandma died. our life was shit, and there did not seem to be a way out of grief. i dont remember therapy at that time. maybe we had a primal party and the only ones who came was ulton o’ and his girlfriend.. maybe then ulton and me rehearsed in our rat-filled garage to sing on primal talent night. old man neil young. i think we did do it. i think eva did a take on some metal song. and some funny guy who i never saw again did a hilarious monologue on primal (maybe. dont remember things so well anymore).
Collective Soul – December (Official Video)
Renée,
You’re all over the place. My point wasn’t about whether or not the Arabs had good reason to start a war in 1948, nor was it about its consequences for the two parties, but about an opinion piece which you labeled “context” in which Mr. Maté never even mentioned that such a war ever took place. To use your analogy of the history of slavery in America, this is like opining that the south gave slavery up and freed the slaves without mentioning that a civil war intervened (By the way, do you think that giving context for the end of slavery in the southern US without mentioning the civil-war, thus implying that the south was simply benevolent, is intellectually sound or even worthy of its name?)
To excuse such gross and biased historical negligence, you try to make it as if it’s all a matter of who is stating which facts. I, in your account, may think the war and the circumstances surrounding it is crucial for understanding the conflict and the Nakba, but only because it suits my purposes (whatever you imagine those to be). Others, Mr. Maté or you for example, may think it’s irrelevant. However, if that is your position then it’s just you two. In historical thinking war is a major occurrence with far-reaching economic, national, geo-political and humanitarian consequences. You won’t find a single historian, not even a Palestinian one, who would argue that this war wasn’t crucial in causing what they call the Nakba. They obviously have many explanations as to why and how it all happened, and one may side with their explanations, but calling statements which completely ignore the war “context” empties out all meaning of the word “context”.
Furthermore, your completely misunderstood what I tried to say about Maté’s characterizations of the nightmare visited upon the Palestinians. Maté falsely presented it as if for the Jews it was a necessity to create this “nightmare” for the Palestinians, that without expulsion they wouldn’t have been able to create their state. My issue was with that supposed necessity and I specifically emphasised with a bold font the “have to” part of his sentences. I argued that the mere Jewish acceptance of the partition plan belies everything Maté is saying here, that this acceptance is proof that before the war the Jews felt it acceptable and feasible to create their State without expelling anyone. Of course, Mr. Maté conveniently ignored and omitted the UN resolution, the Jewish acceptance of the compromise in it, the Arab side’s rejection, and the war that they started against their Jewish neighbours instead.
Why did Maté exclude all those from his account of the creation of the State of Israel and why was this account so appealing to you so as to present it as fair context? In my opinion, because with their exclusion it’s so much easier to paint the Jews as horrible monsters who kill and expel for the sole purpose of arbitrarily stealing other people’s land. Gone are the complexity, the nuance, the rights and wrongs of both sides, their deeds and misdeeds, their calculations and miscalculations, their dreams, aspirations and disappointments, their fears – all for the much easier caricature of good vs. evil.
Contrary to what you say when trying to explain our differences, I never believe I have the “right” facts. Just facts. I dare you to show me even a single fact I knowingly omitted, inconvenient as this fact may be for me. I think you keep saying that in order to excuse your own and in this case Mr. Maté’s indiscriminate use of cherry-picking and fact-omission, as clearly shown above.
Finally, you say that you believe that our facts and contexts depend on “our particular social location/perspective/biases/bling spots, etc.” How did the Palestinian cause emanate from your own “social location/perspective”, which I guess is very far removed from theirs?
Well look, uhhhh…
I have the sense that blog readers may have been waiting for several days now to read any response from Renee before any other blog posters chime in with other topics aside from Israel.
Not to discount the gravity of the Israel topic, but I suggest it might be a good idea to declare a time limit for Renee to respond before everyone else can exhale in a sigh of relief knowing they didn’t disrepectfully interrupt the ‘flow’ or ‘tempo’ of the conversation. Some sort of clear demarcation point where we might as well move on to other things, Life moves fast and every day counts and so forth…
Somewhat akin to how a missing body is declared deceased after seven years, why don’t we just go ahead and either declare the Israel topic as temporarily dead or Daniel as the official winner of the debate after seven days of posting silence?
My suggested 7-day limit would imply that Sunday, March 27th as the cutoff date before releasing the Israel topic back into the wild with Daniel as the default winner or declaring the topic inactive.
Things are NEVER “right” in the world. That’s because within man (in the sense of mankind) there is the EXACT same FEELING. And you know how Janov portrayed it, I’m sure. He posited “birth” “first line”, “second line”, “third line”. I’m sure within these lines of brain development are “sub-lines” maybe dozens of them but surely at the core is the feeling/intimate conviction that “something’s not right”.
OOOK, it looks like no one gives a damn about my little arbitrarily-imposed deadline. I simply thought it would be a good way to move things along rather than having the blog suspended in breathless anticipation for days on end.
Guru, it looks like Renée and I did manage to drive some of the indigenous population of the blog away. Looking back, the Israel topic is pretty well covered on this blog. For me, the most interesting issue in this exchange was the personal one, which I wrote in the last paragraph of my excessively long comment:
I’d like to add something to the Putin/Ukraine remarks you and others have made . It’s true that Russia customarily and historically opted for a geographic belt around them where they call the shots. It’s also true that NATO advanced east. However, I’d say the blow for Putin is not NATO but that he managed to alienate even Ukrainians – practically brothers of Russians – who refused his Russia in favour of the west. The western ideas, freedom and standard of living is way more appealing than anything Putin’s Kleptocratic Russia has to offer anyone.
As always, people who want to get ahead in life turn their gaze to the West which catches the imagination and conjures up images of freedom, safety, and prosperity. These of course may never materialise, but nevertheless are very powerful. As I argued here before, nobody really wants to emigrate to Russia, Saudi Arabia, or Eritrea. Unless they’re escaping the law or something.
Daniel, in reference to your last paragraph I would like to point out that the rise of Donald Trump over the past half-decade has led me to seriously question how much of the American ideals of “freedom, safety, and prosperity” are simply easy words a salesman huckster or carnival barker can spout out, yet those words are watered-down and relatively meaningless when living a gritty, everyday life on the ground.
I caught glimpses of this much earlier with the non-stop saturation coverage of 9/11 while other American pain and suffering was pushed to the shadowy corners with no impact. What good is freedom of speech if no one gives a damn what you’re saying? You’re nothing more than a crazy loon tilting at lampposts in that case.
In that vein, I’m not sure whether America is simply the land of the best huckster salesmen saying what others like to hear. Maybe I’m too cynical here….but then again Canada, Denmark, Norway, Finland, etc. are higher on the HDI (Human Development Index) than America and they’re not really known to be aggressively self-promoting salespeople such as those found in laissez-faire capitalist America. Everybody must become a skilled salesperson to survive such an environment.
After some comfort food for lunch, I’m reminded that ‘freedom of speech’ in America only means freedom from the government jailing you for speaking your beliefs. It doesn’t mean freedom from consequences from other private citizens for your speech, or for that matter a guarantee you will be listened to in the first place.
If you really want to suppress someone’s opinion, it’s actually best NOT to send that person to jail for it anyway (the Streisand effect)! Jailing would attract attention and sympathy, such as Navalny’s case in Russia. Far better to drown out that person’s voice in a large crowd, instead. Marginalization is more effective and you’re….’free’ from jail.
Guru,
By West I do not mean a certain geographical boundary but rather a complex of political and economic culture, legislation, institutions, and processes. So the West includes, for example, Japan, Canada, France, Israel, Argentina, Norway, and Britain, in spite of essential differences between them. My point was that in general the West conjures up powerful ideas of freedom and opportunity in the minds of many who live under other regimes or systems of governance. Are those absolutely real and realisable? By the standards prevailing in the countries they came from – yes, to a great extant they are. By the standards in the West, for many they are not, at least not for the first generation. Yet they still write home making many others like them want to make the same journey West.
Despite those ideals, in each and every country in the West about 20%-30% of the population follow populist ideas and populist leaders, and do not really believe in Democracy. In US opinion polls Charles Coughlin in the 1930’s and George Wallace in the 1960’s had 30% of the vote, and Joseph McCarthy had 40%. With Trump, aided by the ascent of social media, it was just the first time they were actually able to put someone in power.
But it’s not just social media. The US is in deep trouble, IMO mostly due to extreme economic inequality and the battle over the division of the proceeds of production between Labour and Capital having been decidedly won by the latter. It wreaks havoc on individuals, families, and communities making them feel hurt, angry and desperate, but is a fertile ground for populists who will not have to take real responsibility to correct such problems, just harness the hurt and anger offering a sense of identity and pointing a finger at who’s to blame.
Daniel, I have no major disagreements with everything you said in your previous two posts to me here. I also clearly understand the point you’re trying to convey with outsiders and immigrants having more innocent outlooks of Western ideals, particularly if they come from deeply repressive states. If I cherry pick various portions of your writings, I would most be able to expand upon your final paragraph about America’s deep troubles. It seems as though Renee would be much more able to engage with your italicized paraphrasing about blind spots and the separation of Palestinian perspectives from our own. Her description of unlearning Western teachings seems to address that point.
In all honesty, though, I’m running out of gas for an intellectually stimulating dialogue with you in these areas, at least for the moment.
I’m very much in self-preservation and self-care mode at this time, needing to devote as much energy to slowly setting aside major problems of my own which are only slated to grow if I fall too deeply into non-productive, but still interesting. intellectual rabbit holes.
This is one of the things I hate about social media (eg. “Oh look, this account thread looks interesting’ then it’s off to interesting tangent B, then tangent C, then the next thing I know I’ve wasted four hours not planning on how to get more critical work done to try to protect my own future survival).
Did you know that there is a professional group of architects who, many years ago, formed a group “Architects for 911 Truth”?
In other words, if that’s not controlled demolition then “I don’t know what”.
There is a similar group of airline stewardesses who among other things, virtually LAUGH at the recordings from “inside” flight 93. There any number of things “wrong” with the reactions of the crew as purportedly told in the “cell phone calls”.
Just pointing this out.
Personally, if “the government” or for that matter, the media tells you something is true run the other way (if appropriate response) or know it’s a blatant lie.
Indeed, these are strange and terrible times in which we live.
Sorry, Ugg. I haven’t written anything recently because I’ve had other things going on. Please feel free to write whatever you want, whenever you want. Otherwise, you’re stuck waiting……. never a fun place to be.
I don’t really have anything to add to what you wrote. It was clear. I like your self-awareness of your viewpoint and when you are leaning more to the right or left, rather than pretend neutrality and objectivity, which doesn’t exist when it comes to current events, history, etc.
By the way, how are you doing with building your own Iron Dome to protect you from your hostile neighbor?
Renee, I just finished my post to Daniel and I need a break. Let me write back again shortly. After fumbling around with the deadline idea I had, I realized yesterday a far better idea would simply be your dropping a note on the blog saying “I’m done talking for now” so the rest of us can know what to do? Just as a courtesy for us waiting to see if you are going to respond? No ideas of ‘victory’ or ‘defeat’ in a debate would even have to be considered, either.
Your neighbor question is very good and salient, but I need more time to think it over & write back in a bit.
I’m still not ready to answer the neighbor question yet, though I wanted to address something else. I came back to say I do admit that ‘non responsiveness’ for a lengthy period such as what happened between Renee and Daniel is a childhood sore spot for me where I was wrecking my own toddler brain trying to understand why mommy suddenly left me with no explanation forever and how the walls were closing in with utterly torturous questions about that.
I really don’t know for sure where a proper line is drawn between simple adult courtesy (eg. “OK, I’m done with this conversation”), and whether dropping everything completely into unexplained lengthy silence being irksome and bothersome to me is an extension of old childhood torture being triggered.
Yeah this is a weak spot for me where all sorts of pernicious questions seep in as time goes on.
I can ‘accept’ it when it happens, though I do find it more bothersome and rude than most (not just about Renee, but in general).
I actually find it much easier to deal with (and walk away from) someone saying, “I don’t like you. You disgust me and I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” rather than complete stony silence where I can’t draw any conclusions and I am only burdened with unanswered questions, a lot of unnecessary uncertainty. At least when someone tells me s/he wants to disassociate from me there’s a conclusion to the matter and some sort of foundation I can work with.
Yes, silence can be used as a weapon for just that reason: to burden the person you dislike with further uncertainty. I get that, but it still feels ugly.
I hear you, Ugg. Thanks for sharing this.
Renee, yes your brief post here shows me you do understand where I’m coming from with all this. Sometimes a brief statement of future intention, such as “I’m done for now” with Daniel is all it takes to smooth a lot of burdensome uncertainties for me. Total silence just saps my energy with too many unnecessary questions.
As a response to your funny Iron Dome question, I do acknowledge that my right-wing leaning Israel/Palestine views are strongly influenced by my neighborhood situation. I had thought about the microcosmic ‘holy land’ fight I’ve personally been in for so long and how I seem to be besieged as many Israeli Jews feel. It’s only fair to acknowledge the parallels here. I will add that both my parents were pro-Israel themselves so my neighbor battle isn’t the only factor here.
I’ve decided for now it would be best to keep further neighbor details to a minimum since things have been fairly quiet lately (at least for now until some other unexpected aggressive move flares up that I have to defend against), and I’m trying to focus all my brain energy on personal improvement at this time. Occasionally I still have scattered bursts of anger/outrage at a small trigger event around here, and I try to cool off quietly so I can move on.
I may dive into all this again later, if necessary. I would be happy to move out of here if I knew the house was safe, which will require an intergenerational protective legal trust, unfortunately.
In fact I even recently spoke to an esteemed religious leader about this situation here at the house and he told me the same thing, “I don’t see how you can avoid these people taking over your house without some sort of legal trust in place.”
Very ugly intentions surrounding me at all times and I have to accept it will be an endless irritation until I achieve some sort of great personal breakthrough, hopefully.
Guru, Yes, you’ve had your share of people disappearing without prior notice. I was touched by your comment showing very vividly how part of your response to loosing your mom was increased – and most significantly, precocious – mental activity. I had the thought that in your lonesome agony your mind had become a companion for you instead. If this is true, perhaps it still is.
Daniel, your comment is highly difficult for me to approach in several different ways. My first response would be, “Well, aren’t our own minds our first layer companions for all of us? What’s so unusual about that?”
I also was saddened thinking about my dad’s sad facial expressions during the years immediately following mom’s loss, mostly to fade away to neutrality and semi-happiness as the years wore on.
Yes, I was also sad thinking about how I tortured myself with a hugely unnecessary questions, self-effacement, and general angst.
I’m only going a short distance here for brevity’s sake. I could easily see some full-blown therapy sessions in this immediate area, yes.
For lack of a better way to describe it, it feels as though I was forced to internally generate a huge amount of methamphetamine-like chemicals in my childhood brain so my mind could race in all sorts of directions to creatively solve an agonizing, unsolvable emergency even I couldn’t understand, much less other people understanding it.
https://twitter.com/ebruenig/status/1509368508127272967?s=20&t=s5yVxtZwZN9tG4WRLPA7zg
I saw this tweet earlier today and was tempted to reply with something like. “Sounds great and I know my mother would have done the same, but what do you do when it suddenly stops out of the blue as a toddler? And you don’t know why it stopped? Is she coming back? What’s the meaning of this?”
This was why I was very concerned about the ‘organic brain damage’ reports from the MMPI test I took long ago. My brain likely had to undergo some very dark chemical changes to deal with these terribly debilitating questions I couldn’t remotely understand back then.
Even though I still feel very badly about this, what else can I do? I have all the answers I need on a very sophisticated level at this late state of life.
*late stage of life
All of this I’ve written above would demand more intense therapy sessions. Blogging it feels too exposed for me, I guess.
I was actually moving along pretty well this evening getting ready to complete another good chunk of work until I pondered Daniel’s post. Now I’m off the rails again and I could be in a funk about this mother topic for hours to come. I can only afford to revisit this so much before I have to re-wire myself back to today’s needs.
It’s tough enough dealing with a world that will kill you with absolutely thoughtless impunity and with a constant subconscious current of “money, money, money, money, money” driving it all even without wrestling with the deeper feelingful topics.
Guru, Not really. In health, our minds are for thinking and feeling the thought and feeling of life. It is only when trauma hits, in other words, when happenings are unthinkable, that minds are adjusted and mis-used for other purposes.
Daniel, I’m not sure I would go so far as our minds being ‘mis-used’ for other purposes. It might be considered ‘properly used’ for the context it was experiencing only to be outgrown later, or at least having the outmoded functioning revealed and possibly healed later.
I don’t like the idea that I ‘mis-used’ my mind. The ego-boosting statement of my using my mind perfectly for the situation it was in sounds so much better.
After sleeping on it, Daniel, the more I realize I’m having some significant disagreements with the ‘mis-used’ word, for it carries implications as though I scandalously used my mind in the wrong way (ie. “The bookkeeper mis-used church funds to facilitate her Atlantic City casino trips”).
I’m afraid you might have mis-used the word mis-used here.
Interestingly enough, one of my dad’s calculus students did actually steal $150,000 from a church and blew it all at her local casino, but that’s just aimless chitchat now.
Guru, I guess I have. And I agree with you that any use of the mind may be helpful (not so sure about ‘appropriate’) in the context experienced. Most defences are. That’s their purpose. Neurosis is about having those mechanisms kept going in adulthood even when they restrict life in important ways.
Daniel, I’m not sure where to go with our conversation, without it getting repetitive. So, I’ll just say this and then perhaps stop for now. I was saddened by your response to the video David posted of clear Israeli police brutality. Such violence, abuse of power, and dehumanization are never okay and needs to be called out, as David very appropriately did. For me, there was an added layer of horror to see such violence being perpetuated by Israeli soldiers, in light of the fact that Jews have been recipients of such brutality historically. I was sad and disappointed that you refused to condemn such behavior. Instead, you shifted the focus to finding fault with Gabor Maté’s and my views. This is exactly what I meant when I said that you have a knee-jerk reaction to anyone who takes issue with the policies of the Israeli government and the behavior of Jewish soldiers.
By the way, I do believe that it was inevitable that the Israelis would expel the Palestinians from their homes after the partition. After two thousand years of Jews being expelled numerous times from different countries, I think the impulse to pass on this trauma was irresistible. And it’s ongoing and current, with Palestinians being forced to leave their homes in east Jerusalem and the occupied territories with each new illegal Israeli settlement that gets built. See this example, which I might’ve posted before: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2DhIG6gn9c (The Jerusalem neighborhood symbolizing the Palestinian struggle against Israeli occupation).
You ask, “How did the Palestinian cause emanate from your own “social location/perspective”, which I guess is very far removed from theirs?” I think when I became gradually aware that my perspective was simply the perspective of mainly white, western males, who won wars, wrote the history books, dominated the media and insisted that their truth was the only valid truth and that it was objective (e.g. Columbus discovered America, Canada did not have slavery, the US invaded Iraq and Afghanistan to bring the people freedom and democracy). This led me to becoming curious about other peoples’ histories and truths that have been erased and/or delegitimized. I guess you could say that most of my learning now involves unlearning.
Renée,
I had no response to that video David posted at all, so I’m not sure which response of mine you were saddened by. Neither have I refused to condemn the incident. I simply didn’t get into it (If you’d like to know, I think the Israeli police in this case, although slightly provoked, was violent and stupid for no good reason.) Nor have I shifted focus. My response and focus were to begin with solely with you giving context which I thought was so biased and so ahistorical as to warrant a response. I may be wrong, but I think you kind of knew I’d react to your context comment.
Thanks for explaining how you got to appreciate other peoples’ histories and truths. I think is the way to go. In true historical research, one must not settle for a single point of view, and that of the vanquished is indeed very important to consider (with all the usual caveats). However, how do you make sure you’re not throwing the baby with the bathwater? I mean, it often seems that you had completely ridded yourself of any ‘white, western history’, that not only have you legitimised the previously erased truths but have done the very same by delegitimising what you might now call the ‘white historiography’. How would you know you hadn’t thrown away sound analysis just because it’s “white”?
Nowhere is it more evident that in the case of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It seems you have not only introduced into your thinking Palestinian narratives, which I think is admirable if considered critically, you also have completely disregarded (erased?) and did away with the Jewish narratives. By that, aren’t you doing what you preach against, namely, delegitimising and stopping being curious about a people’s history?
I was surprised to see you argue for some impartiality and nuance, even in the current, more clear, Russian war on Ukrainian. Why are those missing in your account of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict?
This post is strictly for my own therapeutic progress and is not designed to interrupt the flow of any other conversations on the blog.
In recent weeks my little brain neurons were able to cobble together why I was such a ‘reading addict’ particularly during my younger, post-adolescent years but still lingering decades later.
I would read SO MANY news articles from a broad range of periodicals: USA Today, Wall Street Journal, Barron’s, New York Times, lots of different magazines….one story after another after another after another, thousands and thousands of stories read in all.
Reading stories had been serving as a soothing tranquilizer for me sprinkled with a bit of vicarious social engagement. A perfectly cheap escape from from making desperately raw, unguided decisions all alone in a terrifying world that would feel no moral qualms at all if I had a misadventure and was killed along the way.
Reading news stories were a soothing and engaging way to escape that terrifyingly indifferent chaotic libertarian dream jungle where no one will give a damn about helping me with anything.
That’s all I had to say. The soothing tranquilizer insight was a semi-major one for me, a self-serving adult constantly reading myself comforting bedtime stories as a parent would to a child.
Do you know what the chirpings of a narcissistic bird sound like in the deep forest? Huh? Well, do you?
“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME”
Daniel and Guru,
On the topic of the mind: recently when I was crying I found myself saying over and over again “My mind has helped me so much!!” I had had the thought that my health was improved on that particular day compared to the previous day. In that moment I suddenly realised that my mind had taken on a task it was never meant for: knowing how I feel. I realised that my mind had been protecting me and keeping me alive my whole life and had heroically overextended itself to even try and take on the role meant for my feelings. I never had a feeling like that before, where one part of me was expressing profound gratitude to another part. Amazing!
David, well good for you that you’re making progress for yourself and your self-discovery journey. I never really had problems knowing or accessing how I felt about a lot of things (not ALL things, mind you, just a fair bunch).
I seem to get stuck in sullen anger and outrage, accompanied by repetitive thoughts.
For instance, I flip open an article about FULLY GROWN ADULT George Floyd protestors getting $14 million in lawsuits in Denver because the police beanbagged them too hard. Well, boo-fucking-hoo! God, how outrageously idiotic that is! I lose a parent as a tiny child and I don’t get a fucking NICKEL!
So, I stew in outrage at how mind-gapingly retarded those LOTTERY-SIZED settlements are that will take the average American 500 years of working his ass off for $30 grand a year to make anywhere close to $14 million. Should those protestors have their medical expenses paid and perhaps the cops reprimanded, demoted, or fired? Sure! But that’s IT! NO MORE! None of this lottery ticket settlement horseshit. There’s PLENTY of other suffering in the world where others don’t see a fucking DIME!
Finally, I’ll just read some more stories about kids or teenagers getting killed making me calm down and be grateful I’m alive another day in this hideously stupid jungle world filled with worthless garbage for my own personal needs.
These counterbalancing articles settle me back to a neutral state.
On the brighter side I have a coupon for a free chocolate bunny and $10 off any $40 or more purchase at my local Big Lots. I need to take advantage of this before the coupon expires Sunday.
I can use my 1% cash rewards credit card as an added frosting on the savings cake, though the credit card fees squeeze the merchant a little. Just have to make sure everything is paid off before the grace period ends, so any accrued interest doesn’t negate the cash back rewards.
So this is a very ‘small fry’ consumer trick, but it IS viable even though it might not be worth many peoples’ time:
–Apply for and obtain at least two, preferably three, cash rewards credit cards (1-3% rewards)
–Buy EVERYTHING possible on these cards, including your utilities and internet (rent or mortgage most likely not possible)
–KNOW exactly when the billing cycle monthly date starts for each credit card. Charge your purchases to the card EARLIEST in the billing cycle. If you wait until very close to a utility due date and charge it to an early billing cycle card, you can literally stretch the due date on your utilities and groceries, etc. 6-7 weeks further out in advance than you could with a debit card or check.
–With rising inflation pressures and the Federal Reserve hiking short term interest rates it will be soon be more feasible to use the 6-7 week suspension period you’ve created before paying the interest-free grace period credit cards in full to buy 4-week treasury bills on treasury.gov website so you can draw interest yourself from the money you would otherwise use to pay the bills earlier without credit cards.
–ALWAYS pay off all cards in full before due date, or else this squeezing of every blood penny from the system will be pointless
–Good luck.
The 4-week treasuries come in $100 increments, so a month’s worth of household expenses can easily grab anywhere from 7-20 treasury bills to grab a tiny bit of interest for yourself while your bills sit in interest-free suspended animation for 6-7 weeks on your credit cards.
Minor additions:
–The date a credit card’s billing cycle starts is NOT the due date. It’s usually about a week after the due date for most major cards.
–At 2% short-term yield or less this credit grace period/T-Bill abuse tactic is only searching for couch cushion change
–At 5% yield, following this tactic for a year will give you about two weeks’ free household expenses
–At 10% yield, you would save a month’s expenses per year, though I suspect at such high rates the banks would begin to crack down on grace period abusers and could start closing credit accounts even if your creditworthiness is pristine.
All if this is in addition to the standard credit card cashback rewards,
*Last sentence should read ‘All of this…’
Daniel….My dad’s aunt once told me a story when I was young, and when I listened to her story all I could do was gaze at my aunt in wonderment at something completely foreign to me. Around 1970-71…when Janov first started propagating his ideas to the public, women were for the most part consigned to either menial or clerical jobs in the workforce, or women stayed as homemakers (please note I’m not saying this as a misogynist because I did vote for Hillary in ’16 & I thought Angela Merkel was a great leader).
Anyway. back in that time my great-aunt told me a short story about how my mother, who was in her late 20’s at the time, turned down a job at a financial firm offering her $10,000 per year ($70,000 today) where she told my dad’s aunt, “I’m worth more than that.”
That bold, completely self-assured confidence my mother had was completely foreign to me, completely gone as far as I can remember.
The best way I knew how to make money as a teenager was to collect aluminum cans and turn them into the recycler with nothing but thin air as my guiding voice.
This is why I complain so much about the economic impact of auto crashes, and the start of why I applied a $20-$30 million figure for a lifetime lost household income.
I’m not trying to bore everyone with re-hashing this old stuff; I can’t afford to have my own outrage over it keep eating me alive. As Gretchen said quoting Barry, stewing in anger is like a cancer all its own.
During the early 90’s I had an incredibly good counselor I worked with for several months (who, incidentally was Jewish and I shared with Gretchen exactly who he was). He once told me, “You do have a confident shell, but you’re really not confident in yourself at all. You say just enough to get by with the day-to-day, but there really is no confidence down at the core.”
He was right about this, and he also told me I give off the message to everyone in the therapy group, “Fuck you!”.
I didn’t know what to tell him at the time. I was completely empty.
These two posts are just stories from a crochety old man hoping to live another day and go on now.
And it’s not as though I’m running around trying to find Jewish mental health practitioners. Gretchen and I agreed that there seem to be a higher percentage of Jews working in the mental health field, particularly in urban areas, than otherwise represented in the general population.
What was incredibly striking about this counselor was that he had an ashtray on his desk, and we both would smoke cigarettes while in session (no, I’m not kidding, it was still the early 90’s). He was one of the coolest guys on Earth and looked like Jerry Garcia with a big beard and big glasses.
He was one of only two counselors I’d ever seen outside a Primal setting in my life.
It sounds highly counterintuitive given the ultra-strict ‘no smoking’ attitudes of today, but back then having both the counselor and the client smoke cigarettes in session was a strangely rapport-building and bonding ritual all its own. (‘Hey this guy is a fallible human just like me!’)
OK well look…sorry to be a long-winded bore or whatever other negative peccadilloes you wish to ascribe to me here. I was really bothered by the bold self-confidence story my great-aunt told me, for I never really felt I had that at all in any way. It was like drawing one big ‘blank’ to me, No verve, no drive, no get-up-and-go crush the world by the balls fighting spirit. It was just a strange blank forlorn fuzzy malaise underneath a bag of skin speaking and writing words to remain passable in day-to-day life.
Guru, I’d like to reply to your recent comment. My days are hectic, so it might take a couple of them before I do so.
I break my self-imposed silence just to say there’s no hurry, pressure or obligation to respond, Daniel. For the most part I was just sharing stories to jog my memories for important things I need in the present.
Having an overbearing self-confidence can give you dominance and control over others, potentially hurting them or degrading their quality of life. Even if you don’t hurt them or degrade their quality of life, you could ‘steal another person’s thunder’. Then I would feel bad about doing that and I don’t want the whole thing on my conscience.
Better to be self-effacing than being burdened with the guilt of hurting or degrading others. It’s safer that way, fewer consequences too, from aggrieved parties.
Again, sorry to ramble on so much. Long ago Patrick once called the blog the ‘mental health ghetto’ for the Primal Institute. In that vein, just consider me a destitute hobo babbling crazily next to the alleyway dumpster searching broken glass shards for bits of hallucinatory treasure.
If anyone else wants to write for a while, feel free. I’ll shut up finally.
Guru,
It is clear your mom’s death was a huge loss of capital (resources) for the family – financial, marital, parental, and emotional capital. She sounds (and by the way, also looks) really cool, and as that self-confidence story shows, was the kind of person that is optimistic enough to be willing to take risks to advance herself in the world. Measured and calculated risks. I have a sense that part of your reaction to her loss was to not take such risks. I’d imagine you opted for either extreme risks or none at all – a need to stay close as possible to the sources of nourishment already available to you for fear of losing them, or the excited and hopeful denial of risk and need.
I don’t blame you. People who have suffered from the events of life to the degree you have are deeply wary of any subsequent change, even if it is one for the better. Any change, so to speak, carries the potential to become a catastrophic one.
I’d like to speculate about that moment of change, this moment of mutation if you will, when you became different. I don’t know if this makes sense to you, but I say that you became different because of the way you write. As you know, I think you have a talent for writing. In writing something of your idiom comes out. For me that talent and that idiom are testimony for something that remained and is retained from the self that existed before your mom was killed.
To continue this dream of mine, this speculation, although you became different you still carry within you that early self (the Feeling-Child self), along with the traumatising event, the altered self, and a ‘caretaker self’. By ‘caretaker self’ I mean the mental and emotional attitude of having to mother yourself, sort of keeping the mothering aspect of the mother-infant relationship instead of individual development according to personal tendencies emanating from the core self (the Feeling Child). This self is revealed, for example, in the fine details with which you describe from time-to-time ingenious ways of how you save, what you eat, or how you buy in bulk; and in your frequent announcements of a need to retreat from discussion into what feels like self-care, describing how you are busy with things that need your full attention and care.
The Feeling Child is not dead. However, whenever a world begins to be created by that Feeling Child it is soon ruptured and the alternative self emerges, transforming your lived experience from benign to traumatic, leaving you observing the world from a place of rage and envy. “Stewing in anger” may indeed be cancerous but I also think your rage has a preservative function.
It is interesting that when you heard that self-confidence story about your mom you didn’t feel proud or inspired or satisfied that you had this kind of a mother, but bothered and blank, as if news of your mom’s belief in herself took the life out of yourself. Your touching description of that “strange blank forlorn fuzzy malaise” that afflicted you back then was, I thought, an accurate illustration of a certain relationship you still have to the inner image of your mom, one which may be called blank mourning.
Since it’s a dream of mine allow me to get even crazier. Although you cannot remember your mom and was too young to comprehend her disappearance, you nevertheless carry an image of her inside you and have a very intense relationship with that image. And so, behind the blank mourning for your mom, there is a very well-hidden mad passion of which she is, and remains, the primary object. That renders true mourning for her an impossible experience. You cannot let her go. And entry for other women is strictly barred. Behind this, at the bottom of this, is a passionate Feeling Child, now altered: forever forlorn, inconsolable, doing his best to nourish the unknown dead mother within, to sort of maintain her perpetually embalmed.
I feel I have gone too far. You may ask, what is the meaning of all this? And, if a grain of truth is to be found in this dream, what does a movement forward looks like? I cannot answer that without starting to dream again. For me the mystery of your blank and bothered reaction upon hearing a good story about your mom is only partially solved, if at all. I do know, though, that this experience is very important and is pregnant with meanings. Just an association when I now write this – it somehow also connects to your unwillingness to discuss the details of your mom’s death. I always thought you felt such details would somehow be too revealing of your true identity. Now, in this crazy dream of mine, I thought perhaps this is just your way of saying there are too many details missing, that perhaps you never got the whole story, that her death is still a mystery, that you know something which you cannot think or feel.
Daniel,
Wow! Well, OK, first of all I’m humbled and taken aback that you are putting so much continued effort into the inner workings of a little old Guru. Let me share some initial thoughts through a series of hyphenated points for better organization. I’ve been doing an awful lot of number crunching and computer coding these past few months, and my brain can’t seem to mellow itself out to a flowing series of paragraphs. I need tightly-wound bullet points for efficiency for now.
–I feel guilty you are spending so much effort on me here. A big part of me is saying, “Although the overall gesture and attention is flattering, you don’t have to do all this for little old me.”
–You are very much on the right track about my need to be my own mother. The scrimping, saving, careful approaches towards everything is indeed a watchful adult overseeing the wellbeing of a wounded child. Your point was beautifully made here, yes, and that little child is very scared he’s not going to have a future. He is wanting to stay in childish comfort, even if grungy and mediocre, for as long as possible.
–I’d say the biggest reason why I was forlorn and blank when my aunt told me the confidence story, instead of being inspired by it, was the sheer frustration and resignation that “I will never be able to make up for a loss like this, so why even try?” It was more of an expression of being defeated by the whole thing.
–I’m attached to the image of mother as a confident businesswoman because I sense there was a certain ‘destiny’, a highly successful and gloriously powerful destiny, she had laid out for me as she would watch me grow into an adult with pride. If she is not there and there’s nothing but air and the brainless wide open sky, such a destiny becomes a forlornly felt impossibility. (This also relates to my previous point). There was a good reason why I posted that tweet by Elizabeth Bruenig where she was talking about only mothers having the privilege of watching her child sleep with loving eyes. So, as a boy, her love would have been a hugely driving force for me to become the class valedictorian just as she was. To be the great leader, the great achiever, all the while she watched me with pride and love as I grew into a prosperous adulthood. If all that love chemistry becomes sucked away in a moment of completely unexplained betrayal (as little child Guru may have perceived it), it’s a real motivation killer to say the least.
–The work I am doing now is trying to break out of that carefully guarded mode of being my own mother. All I will say here in vague terms is, “I’m working on it because there is no other choice.”
–I don’t feel as though I am a talented writer. Competition is extremely fierce (just look at the millions of books out there), and the military-industrial world only values STEM studies. Good writers seem to be a dime a dozen, in all honesty. If it is true that I’ve developed skill in writing, it is only so I can bring clarity to my own experiences (as a mother would guide me, being my own mother as you so perceptively described) and for sheer self-preservation. Good self-preservation examples being packages of letters I had to send to a lawyer to keep my home from being endangered by my deeply gaslighting neighbor, etc. Or for that matter writing to my mother’s cousin who was astounded I existed some years ago, clinging onto this fragile existence with no nuclear family of my own.
–Daniel, I honestly don’t know if you’ll feel satisfied with all I said above in response to your continued efforts…..but that’s the best I can do for now.
A long time ago I once brought up the topic of ‘mirror neurons’ with Gretchen. When mother gazes at you with loving eyes and pride, then suddenly disappears with no explanation….those mirror neurons shrivel to nothingness but a desperate scrambling through the ruins for answers.
Replace ‘nothingness’ with ‘nothing’. Janov’s belief in death as eternal oblivion was an inordinate fascination with me for precisely this reason.
I think I have most of the philosophical answers I need already. Now it’s simply time to make a lot of cash somehow.
Guru, We each simply say what we have and want to say so it does not behoove your words and ideas to satisfy me in any way. I wanted to add a thought to your Elizabeth Bruenig quote and mirror neurons that, at least at the beginning of life when the baby looks into mother’s face what he or she sees there is not the mother but him- or herself. That is crucial for the establishment of a life lived and experienced from the core – an authentic being. On the other hand, if the baby is forced to see the mother as she is rather than her reflection of him or her – say, she’s listlessly depressed or rigidly defensive – then the baby cannot develop a creative capacity emanating from his or her core. One of the more common complications of this is that later in life the child and then adult will continue to search for other sources of such reflection. And, as you wrote, when that mirror disappears all together it is a catastrophe. May I ask you again about your reluctance to talk about the details of your mom’s death?
Daniel, there’s no real personal reluctance to share details. When there’s only 130 words in a tiny article stuffed in the back of a city newspaper, there aren’t that many details to work with in the first place.
She was on her commute driving home from work on a dark winter evening and was momentarily distracted by a lane change decision on a freeway, hitting a concrete divider head-on in the process. There are scant details beyond exact location and so forth.
I have no idea if the divider was properly reflected for headlights to see or not. My dad and I were both certain she was stone cold sober as she was returning home from work, preparing to eat a takeout dinner with us..
Aside from pointing out the exact location, that’s all I can really tell you.
Guru, Thanks for what you wrote. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask a bit more about it. I hope it’s acceptable to you. Did you mom die on the spot, or was she taken to hospital? Was there a police investigation? And the car, did it have seatbelts and if it did, was she using one? You said she was distracted by a lane change decision on a freeway. How do you know that that is what happened? Aren’t there other possibilities (for example, falling asleep at the wheel, veering to avoid a collision with another automobile, etc.)? Since this was a commute, it must have been a road she knew quite well, and most likely knew about that divider. I hope these questions are not too painful.
Daniel, no it’s not that it’s intolerably painful, just frustrating because some of your questions I can’t answer well. Yes, she was taken to a hospital and died shortly thereafter. Whether she used a seatbelt is unknown to me. The freeway interchange was (and still is) a hugely busy one with tens of thousands of cars pouring through the area daily.
She probably only knew the area modestly well since her job there only started a few months before.
I have doubts she simply fell asleep at the wheel because she called my dad before leaving work to ask him to pick up takeout food and she would meet us at home. Would people fall asleep when driving towards a meal they actively planned themselves, getting ready to reunite with family? Something tells me that was unlikely. Also, I should point out this happened very early in her commute since she had just entered the highway from an off-ramp herself near work.
Police asked witnesses in the area and they said she made a last-moment decision to steer away from express lanes onto a slower moving set of lanes. Exactly why that happened is unknown, so I really don’t know if a speeding car forced the issue or not.
I’m also thinking since it was a dark winter evening commute after sunset, the lane divider wasn’t easy to see at the time.
I’m telling you these details only because you asked for them. Although it’s nice to feel important and paid attention to, I’m acutely aware there are millions of violent deaths and injuries which took place after hers, so the whole story seems to recede being pointless to revisit anymore.
Daniel, I should mention that my mother’s incident took place long before the widespread use of cell phones, never mind smartphones. Whatever witnesses would say in that ancient informational Dark Age situation would be of tenuous reliability. Only a small minority of bypassing cars would stop in the first place, and during that time you would literally have to hunt around for a nearby landline phone in a stationary building off the freeway to call police. What average driver going home from work would stop and go through all that trouble on top of making a formal statement to police, away from their personal time? I’d say over 90% of bypassing drivers, some of whom might have had crucial information, simply drove on by.
I once witnessed a serious car crash myself (including actual impact) only a couple miles away from my mom’s divider site I talked about. This new incident I witnessed only took place five years ago or so, and I was one of the first people to see what happened. I couldn’t stop. Why? I didn’t have a cell phone, so I pinned my hopes on the next driver behind me to make the 911 call. I never even found out if the passenger or driver was injured or killed. I’m not a medical professional so I would have been useless in an emergency like that. Yes, I felt guilty I couldn’t stop and wait for an hour or two to make a formal witness statement myself to police….but I was useless in that example in every other respect, and I had to make a snap decision to keep driving even though it weighed on my conscience.
So that’s why I say there are still some disturbing unknowns regarding my mother’s story, but what can I do about it now so many years later? Nothing.
I suppose a more academic way of what I just described above would be the ‘bystander effect’ where if you are in a large crowd and something traumatic happens nearby, bystanders tend to be less cooperative in staying around to help. When the bystander crowd thins out the pressure to respond increases on the individual bystanders.
However, and more specifically, the studies related to the bystander effect were pedestrians. Trying to have bystanders stop their own speeding 60-70 mile per hour machines, stop, and run off the highway to make an offsite landline call on top of waiting an hour or two to talk to police as a witness? Fuhgeddaboutit, the odds of cooperation drop dramatically there.
Even my dad was once forced off a highway down a shallow incline 10 or so years ago where he was completely surrounded by two eighteen-wheel trucks and another driver who eased into my dad’s lane, forcing him off the road. Fortunately dad wasn’t hurt nor was the car damaged; it just left dad shaken.
ALL of the vehicles nearby simply kept on driving and it was only when someone finally stopped to help dad a few minutes later could rehabilitative actions start to take place…and this was during the cell phone era!
Look, this REALLY REALLY exhausts my brain to think about it. As I said to Daniel above referencing the Bruenig tweet, there’s a loving mirror neuron feedback loop between mother and child that propels the child to do great things. At least this is what I see for my own instance. That feedback mirror neuron loop being broken without warning is not fun for me to contemplate.
The broken loop left me exhausted and inert, scared of everything because nothing makes sense anymore.
I’m really grinding brain gears here and I gotta stop. Fortunately I did satisfy my inner kid with a lot of satisfactory answers even though, as one of the life paths in Hinduism demand, it came at a large personal cost for me in discarding pursuits my mom would have conventionally wanted me to pursue had she lived.
CODA. I HAD MY DOUBTS. BUT AT SOME POINT, THE SINGING GOT TO ME. I CRIED TO MYSELF HEAVILY. BUT I COULDNT WEEP IN FRONT OF BARB. I DONT KNOW WHY WE NEVER CRIED TOGETHER AT GROUP OR SESSIONS. BUT THAT IS WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. ANYWAY
Otto: Coda does look like a decent movie, yes. I’m really sorry about interrupting you here and I’m happy you came back to write on the blog. Write all you want.
I just wanted to tell Daniel he gave me a lot to think about in regards to my having to ‘mother myself’ or ‘mothering my own scared child within in a primitive childlike way’ through all sorts of self-protective means.
I’m also recalling my dad’s frequently terrified eye expressions during his last couple weeks of life as death neared. Feeling saddened, crushed, and defeated remembering it and how he deserved none of it. I felt helpless I couldn’t calm him into a happy place during those moments.
Sorry for soaking up so much blog real estate, It can be an addiction and I couldn’t restrain myself.
Guru, I am responding down at the bottom since it is easier to read here. In the sixties and seventies there was the widespread use of ham radios and CB’s (citizen band) for cars and trucks to communicate traffic conditions and emergencies. My dad had one, I don’t know which one, in the 60’s in his mid-size truck. I remember the one in our kitchen we called the squawk box. We would turn it on every day about the time my dad was leaving his work about 40 miles away and he would tell us he was on his way home. Mom would sometimes ask him to stop and pick up something from a store. I still remember the call letters and numbers we used when we spoke over it. Truckers all had these kind of communication devices and it could be that a trucker called in your mom’s accident. Also, passersby with these kinds of radios could have too, summoned emergency personnel.
Sylvia, OK that’s a good catch on the CB radio fad of the time. but you still have to depend on total strangers to take potentially hours out of their lives to talk to police on an impromptu basis. Most people speeding by don’t want to get involved, especially in dense urban areas.
It’s highly unlikely I will ever know any more details than I do now, so I just let have to let it rest for my own sanity’s sake.
The bottom line I think is that it’s too bad there weren’t full-blown highway cameras in use back then on busy thoroughfares as they are often used today. All kinds of unknowns can definitely be patched up that way.
I gotta move on from this topic. I tried to answer everything possible with Daniel and it led to the tangent of bystander effect, unreliability of witnesses, CB radios, cell phones, and two more minor collisions discussed.
Let’s…put the genie back in the bottle for a while.
I didn’t realize you had closed the topic. Just ignore my afterthoughts, as I had not read your last comment.
Well, of course it’s a tragedy and going over the details must not be a soothing thing for you. I just want to interject my thoughts on the passersby. My feeling at seeing an accident is of horror. I think many people feel this way and if it is safe to stop and help I think people do, as the witnesses of your mom’s accident who gave details to the police did. On a freeway it is dangerous to stop because of heavy traffic flow and the visibility problem of cars behind to know there will be sudden stops by the helpers. I don’t think it is as much a problem of someone not wishing to get involved but one of personal safety on a dangerous hi-way. Just my thoughts.
Guru,
Thanks for answering my questions.
While putting the genie back in the bottle it is interesting to note that there is a genie and there is a bottle.
Thanks again, I know it must be frustrating to go over this.
We haven’t begun to discuss the morality problems surrounding this nor the arguments between individual culpability fetishists, many of whom are either paid or unwitting mouthpieces for large car-dependent enterprises and their shareholders who greatly benefit from said transportation while others must privatize the bodily injury and other losses, and the idea there is a larger systemic problem to work (spoiler, I think there might be systemic problems with this).
If opioid addicts are going to go after the billionaire Sackler family and murder victims families want to financially destroy gun manufacturers, why would I be left out in the cold with the dark negative externalities that auto-dependent businesses generate as a byproduct of their prosperous growth impossible to achieve without the assistance of tens of millions of high-velocity vehicles (think Wal-Mart, etc.)?
These issues are too hard for two-year old children to think about on their own without government help and it took me too many years to finally work it all out.
Might as well put that genie in the bottle too, I think.
(One of the few good books available on this topic)
Don’t worry, I’ll finally shut up now. I’ve already accepted and incorporated the ridiculousness of it all & I’m largely retired from trying to explain it. Thank you.
Guru,
Thanks for the book recommendation.
Policy wise – as you probably know, in most developed countries drivers are insured by a mandatory insurance which covers bodily injury, loss of income, and life insurance. It is illegal to operate a vehicle without it. Then there is the other, non-mandatory insurance which covers damage to property, including the owner’s or other people’s automobiles. Not sure how it is in the US, but I know Americans are deeply suspicious of any government intervention or regulation.
Psychology wise – I think that as long and as far as you are completely identified with the part of yourself that is deeply invested in and angry at the injustice you have suffered, no progress will take place. On the other hand, once you will be able to put some distance between you and that part, perhaps begin to reject it or even hate it, my guess is change will follow.
Daniel, I think you may already developing a few misunderstandings of my motives for my posting the things I did. It’s not that I’m currently deeply invested in the things I explained in my post from the past few days, it’s more that I’m trying to explain the conclusions that I finally reached rather than foaming at the mouth and complaining about it now (at least not to a debilitating extent), I hope that make sense?
It’s more along the lines of, “I’m just explaining, not complaining”
I’m already detached from the things I explained emotionally; it’s more that if you don’t understand what I found out, then even deeper misunderstandings may arise later which require more extensive work sorting out.
I’m also thinking VERY carefully about your insurance observations. Aside from affirming that America generally has only minimal insurance requirements. this topic would require a a semi-long discussion all its own which would weigh down the blog unnecessarily. Yes, I do have a lot to say here, just to point that out, but I just don’t think now would be a good time or place for it. Maybe later, though.
I’ve had to sort through ENORMOUS amounts of infuriating and ruthlessly oblivious garbage throughout the course of my entire life to reach the conclusions I did. There’s no way I will ever reject or hate those hard-won conclusions. You would have to have seen Janov reject or hate his own Primal ideas first before I would lose my own hard-won ideas (not likely).
I’d also add that all of the discussion we’ve had this past week did lead me to a valuable insight… coalescing into words the ‘enormous amounts of infuriating and ruthlessly oblivious garbage’ I’ve had to deal with before finding something worth a damn.
Also, we talked about writing and how you said I was good at it. I’ve only looked at writing as a utilitarian survival tool throughout my entire life, with a reasonable vocabulary to help speed my expressions along more efficiently.
Guru, Thanks for setting the record straight. Indeed, I felt that you were more invested emotionally in feeling or being a victim of unfair circumstances (which to be sure they were) than you now explain. Anyway, I’d think of ways to let a woman into my life and enroll in a writing class.
Sure Daniel, I’ll take that under advisement and I tritely thank you. Have a nice day now.
there was a slight outbreak of Corona in the ward at mom’s nursing home, but she tested negative last week, and we could visit her then, as we only found out when we were already there anyway.
luckily we were careful as always to keep on facemasks most of the time and to use disinfectant.
but now I got a call that after a test done on Monday mom tested positive as well.
I kind of had seen it coming, as she sounded like she had a cold on and off since Saturday.
she did not feel ill luckily so far.
but of course now the whole ward goes into mild quarantine, we can visit wearing extra safety cloths and the usual masks, and stay in the room or little garden there.
but it seems best we stay out until the quarantine is over, Friday 22, as if we catch it we also need to go into quarantine and the problem lasts even longer.
and of course no-one wants to get sick.
it is scary and frustrating, difficult with mom’s memory problem to keep telling her we won’t be able to visit for a while.
and as she is 91 it is scary, even while she is like a cat with nine lives, so far surviving all kinds of serious stuff…
So well, I feel sad and scared.
Margaret
Glad to hear from you Margaret. As you’ve been silent on the blog for an unusually long while, I’ve been wondering and kind of worrying about how you are doing.
Larry,
ha, I was wondering about you in the same way, as it seems a long time ago since I heard you on the blog.
I have been ill, first a virus upsetting my balance system in my inner ear, then after that some kind of flu, or whatever, and then low energy for a long while.
so mostly I tried to make priorities in what I spent my energy on.
I was getting better but now my mom having Corona and not being able to visit her for the next ten days is scary.
today a story in a book suddenly upset me so much it triggered me in minutes of tiny baby wailing and then some more sad crying, without there being any clear connection I could rationally figure out.
so I just let the wailing take place, my neighbors must have thought there was a very small baby somewhere in the house…
but it did give me some relief.
of course I still feel some anxiety about my mom, but I just gave her a call and will do so daily, as usual.
she did sound a bit more ill though, like with a nasty cold, while this afternoon I saw a little video of her singing in the garden sitting on a blanket, obviously feeling happy.
she made people laugh as she improvised with words on a familiar song in a very funny way, she is very playful which I like so very much about her.
M
I’ve been doing a lot of crying these past months, Margaret. Being in a new relationship consumes a lot of my time, and the feeling of safe nurturing love in it brings up a lot of long buried pain, so I’m primaling a lot and loud. These days I seem to be too short of time for living and scant little for writing on the blog.
I’m glad you’re feeling better, but worry about what seems to me to be your desperate attachment to your mother.
Larry,
you say you worry about my desperate attachment to my mother, which sounds to me like you see it in a way that is more negative than necessary.
of course there are desperate feelings at play, but they are mostly childhood feelings rising to the surface.
in the present our relationship is warm and easy.
losing her will at first leave a huge gap in my life, but I know she will warm and safely be in my heart at all times.
i have a girlfriend who had a similar relationship with her mom, struggle at some point in her life, and becoming warm and pleasant later on.
she says she knows very few people that are grateful to their moms and admire their moms, but I am definitely one of them.
and i feel very lucky for that.
it is a precious gift I will never lose, even when she will not be alive anymore.
Margaret
Margaret, I can certainly understand your attachment to your mom. I had the same feelings and admiration for my mom and how she got thru life despite all her hardships. I think I was grateful for the time she spent on me when I was little, sewing for me, taking me everywhere with her. Too overprotective most likely due to her own neglectful and sometimes violent childhood. Even though she had a terrible temper I knew she cared about us kids. I think because there were so many of us it taxed her nerves beyond coping sometimes. Not having a family of my own, I probably was more attached to my mom than most. I became very protective of her. Enjoy your time with your mom.
S 🐱
Last night Jews the world over celebrated the beginning of Passover, which is a central holidays for Jews. The main ritual of the holiday is a feast called the Seder and in which we read the Haggadah, a sort of a retelling of the exodus of Israelites out of Egypt and out of slavery.
The ritual itself became prominent in Jewish tradition around the 2nd century CE, replacing and commemorating the actual ritual which had been taking place at the same time of the year in the temple in Jerusalem before it was razed by the Romans and the Jews exiled from what they called their homeland.
The Haggadah is a collection of Bible quotes, Biblical exegesis, Psalms, words and stories of so-called Jewish past sages (mostly the Jewish spiritual leaders from 3rd century BCE up until the 6th century CE), blessings or thanksgiving, prayers and liturgical poems. Although many of the components in the Haggadah had already existed during the Second Temple period (516 BCE-136CE), its earliest surviving text which is the basis of our current one is from the 9th century CE.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that the Haggadah is all about returning to what the Jews since biblical times had been calling the Land of Israel, it is filled with references to that land, to Jerusalem, and ends with the expressed wish that next year the celebration and commemoration will be taking place in the rebuilt Jerusalem.
In other words, for many centuries Jews all over the world kept repeating their longing for their lost land and hoping one day to return to it. I stress this because these days many voices around the world, including a few on this blog, are saying that the Jewish return to Israel is colonialism pure and simple, as if Jews had nothing there except the pillaging and plundering of a foreign land.
Don’t fall for it.
Daniel, my one simple observation is that it’s certainly is a lot easier to remain focused and committed on causes or ideas we may be emotionally attached to when there is a strong and cohesive group in alignment with you than when those affected by your cause are weakened, fragmented, marginalized, and scattered by the winds.
True that. It takes a lot of work by dedicated individuals to build a movement. Mind you, Zionism was not alone, nationalism and self-determination were the Zeitgeist.
Meanwhile, in other news Muslims in Sweden are rioting over the Swedish colonial occupation of Stockholm, Norrköping, Linköping and Malmö.
I’M RE-POSTING HERE because blog doesn’t seem to organize right. Sorry if it turns out to be duplicated.
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April 16, 2022
John Lennon: “It’s hard enough I know just to FEEL your own pain” (“Aisumasen” 1973).
Indeed, that was his experience but really. Is this the nature of (the larger framework of) personal reality?
Is is ALWAYS a struggle?
Is it always HARD, for crying out loud (also known as having a primal)?
To paraphrase Christ, do the birds of the sky worry about how they will eat?
Do the lilies of the field try to “figure out” how to grow?
Isn’t there an endemic ease underlying all creation?
All right. Humanity is damaged goods in one way or another. Dr. Janov gave us considerable information about how this came about within the framework he confined the discussion. He was probably wise to “keep it there” for any number of reasons (and stay out of more existential question such as “why did we have the particular childhoods we had?); or maybe the doc felt like it was “above his pay grade so it wasn’t his ‘yob’”.
In his life’s body of work of almost exactly 50 years, he left us with MUCH to ponder, to experiment with, to incorporate into our own personal Knowing and, yes, even to reject or alter. Indeed!
Janov is not among the living but WE are, last time I checked which was earlier today when I had to pee from TOO MUCH coffee.
Possibly we should see much of our suffering, frustration, seeming powerlessness as simply feedback. Maybe that alone can provide some succor.
Maybe, just maybe we can begin to objectify all this material and see it more for what it is: either the poison of the wretched or the food of the gods, that is, our choice.
Obviously if we see it as POISON we’ll ignore, block, medicate, eat-away, intoxicate, etc.
But if we do, the Feeling Child won’t be heard; that crying five-year-old standing on the sidewalk crying out: “What about ME? What about me, MOMMY? What about ME, daddy?” (in some cases it could be grandparents or others who raised the kid but you get the picture).
To quote Dr. J: “have a primal”.
As an aside he said “we’d have fewer wars if we had more crybabies”.
Arthur Janov’s books, especially the first one I think reminded us that there is a preternatural reality which is actually our heritage as human beings born into three-dimensional reality.
I think the child has a closer connection to this, what you could call, a multi-dimensional, experiential realm. For the most part, I think the child assumes (at least on one level) it will grow to more fully be in and enjoy such a spacious reality.
That the circumstances of its gestation, birth, infancy, toddler-hood, early childhood, childhood and adolescence all seemed to have conspired to deny the child its heritage of ease, natural grace and expanded reality were the focus of Janov’s books.
The “why” we all each had such dramatically disparate experiences is the larger framework of reality and basically is essential to the larger understanding that Dr. Janov didn’t address, again as this was not his specialty. He simply left it to others.
And, the “primalers” are among the others. We’ve all to an extent, glimpsed the Promised Land. We can never go back.
Speaking for myself I try to remind myself of this regularly that eventually Puff the Magic Dragon will one day return sadly to its cave.
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By the way I NEVER am notified I posted.
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Here is another post from earlier today that seems to be buried back in time. Sorry if duplicated.
ON RACISM
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April 16, 2022
Re: racism
I believe that, at it’s core, “racism” is simply a way to avoid feeling “Pain” (capitalization, Arthur Janov’s term, “The Primal Scream”, 1970).
If one in some ways makes him or herself “superior” to another person based on race (and of course in other areas of human endeavor) they are pushing away (what people judge as) uncomfortable feelings. This isn’t “bad” or “good”. It is an objective fact.
For “victims” of racism, they will normally feel hurt, maybe act out being “inferior”. These would resonate with their own “Old Feelings” (capitalization, Arthur Janov’s term, “The Primal Scream”, 1970) where they were made to feel “two foot tall” (John Lennon’s line in “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”, the Beatles, 1965).
Concomitantly, for example, “black rage against racism” is the covering up inner devastation and hurt (often from “Mommy” in a fatherless home), the other side of the coin (remember?–paraphrasing Janov, “we” could give these angry people “everything” they wanted but it would not touch the “Pain” inside from the first 12 or so years of life).
It is kind of a drama often, sadly, played out over an entire lifetime between the two groups where each essentially is acting out a role (“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players.”: William Shakespeare from “As You Like It”, Act 2 Scene 7, Lines 139-40; Jacques to Duke Senior and his companions).
Remember what Art Janov said “neurosis is a life sentence”.
In my opinion, in various books, articles and emails (on the “human condition”) written by Arthur Janov, there are some valid ideas for a person to begin to access and feel the “Pain”; and expedite integrating the concomitant feelings which would then bring to light these hurtful adapted “racist” attitudes, created to cover that “Pain”. You could say that this is the Unreal Self (Arthur Janov, “The Primal Scream”, 1970).
Fortunately, although Primal Therapy might be a good training framework for an individual to expand and develop his or her abilities to “feel”, it isn’t a necessity. We all can honestly work with our feelings and hopefully over time become more skilled at recognizing attitudes we adopted (starting in early childhood) to keep us from feeling and thus integrating them.
I daresay, to a large extent, we control the audio. We control the video as they used to say on the old TV show “Outer Limits”; that is to say we obviously need to adopt an intrepid attitude towards our largely blocked-off self which necessarily requires beginning to speed up the process of removing the blinders.
This obviously includes CRYING. For more on “crying” check out some of the books written by Janov as well as excerpts for the doctoral dissertation of Barry Bernfeld, M.A., and therapist at the Primal Institute in Los Angeles.
Fred: Welcome back to the blog. Your posts have always been thought-provoking and grant special insights into areas not often seen,
Mind if I ask: How come you disappear for long periods of time, then re-appear suddenly posting a lot in a brief burst of activity? I don’t mind this at all; in fact, I’d prefer you post a lot more frequently whenever you are able to.
Just curious as to what holds you back and leaving you to pause posting for long periods?
Anything I can do to encourage you to come back more often?
this evening my mom sounded happy and healthy again, after she and most others of her ward had Corona.
her symptoms were those of a bad cold, and now her voice sounded clear again, to my relief.
as there are still safety restrictions and my sister wants to wait, I will have to wait until next Sunday to visit her with my brother, not much fun having to wait but it is the best option as we also have to be careful and to visit her dressed in safety gear and with limited options for where to go and what to do would not be much fun for anybody.
but luckily she is well taken care of and we get pictures and videos regularly and I can call her …
there is still plenty of Corona going around which is a drag, even while in most cases the symptoms of the omicron variant aren’t that severe, it would still be risky and need quarantine, so I don’t hope to get it, still feel a bit unfit anyway.
Sigh, I long for some good times and lots of fun and good company and laughter!
hopefully soon life will become more normal again, as I am getting tired, mentally and physically.
M
This song helped with some feelings today. “Walking by Flashlight”, a song by Maria Schneider, and performed with her orchestra, which I have seen in concert many times, including a few weeks ago. That version of the song isn’t on Youtube, however. But the version below is pretty good. I’d like to learn to play the main part on alto sax. This version has a soprano sax solo. In Maria Schneider’s band the solo is with a baritone clarinet. I will buy the sheet music I think, lately I haven’t been practicing much and I need inspiration.
The feelings surprised me, sadness about my father, which I’ve hardly had recently. Remembering good feelings with him from my childhood, getting past the anger I usually have, so it felt like a bit of a breakthrough.
Phil
Antidepressants are not that hot, says a new huge study. They are addictive, affect long-term quality of life only marginally, and much of their effect is a placebo effect.
Many practitioners had a feeling this is so. In the past, antidepressants were given only rarely and only to those whose depression was defines without psychological or environmental factors (endogenous). Today, on the other hand, drug companies indicate antidepressants for whoever feels sad, regardless of the reasons. It has become a lifestyle drug to avoid any kind of emotional pain, which, as we on the blog know, is sometimes quite normal and very important to feel. In fact, one of the major so-called “side-effects” that patients on SSRI’s talk about is a kind of an emotional numbing.
I hope that such studies will bring back some sanity and humanity to mental health, and the importance of feelings, human contact and conversation.
Does this mean that if you have a chronically depressed patient who asks you if you think that medication might help, you would discourage them from trying it?
No, I’ll never tell a patient what to do. I will, however, go over the options available for treatment, including medication (and will advise to consult with a psychiatrist rather than a GP, which nowadays is the one giving out those medications).
It also depends on the severity of the depression and the underlying causes, if those can be determined. Some suffering is just too much to bear for long stretches of time and so medication is never out of the question. On the other hand, if a person is melancholic but is not psychotic or severely suicidal*, and especially if he or she is able to function to a degree in his or her various roles in life, in my opinion long-term psychotherapy is the treatment of choice.
[* If a patient is suicidal it also depends on whether the suicidal thinking and urges are primarily depressive or characterological].
In general, the chronic depressions are not the most severe ones and IMO often have to do more with loss and character than with biology.
In your own work, what is your approach?
I don’t really have an approach. If I think a client could benefit from anti-depressants, I suggest it to them. Or if they are asking me about whether anti-depressants could help, I’ll discuss their hopes and fears with them. Quite a few of my clients haven’t found one that worked for them and were not interested in trying again. Others have had positive experiences. I have not known of any of my clients being addicted to them. On the contrary, when they feel better they tend to want to taper off them. I know I’ve benefitted from anti-depressants, even though I held a lot of the same negative beliefs that you have about them for many years. I believed that taking meds meant numbing or trying to get away from my feelings which was bad. And that I just needed to commit to long-term therapy which was good. I don’t believe any of that anymore.
Renée, I agree that some patients benefit from antidepressants and I’m glad you found them helpful. It’s just the widespread, indiscriminate use of them I object to. I also think this explains the study I linked to: since the study looked at all those prescribed it included many of the so-called lifestyle users, those who just do not want to feel sad. For them the quality of life didn’t improve enough and they were numerous enough to influence the results of the study. Regarding addiction, with some people even the slightest reduction in dosage brigs the symptoms back with a vengeance. For them tapering off takes months and even years.
OK, now that the subject of antidepressants was brought up, I might as well throw in my little experiences with them. In my early twenties during the years immediately preceding my stumbling upon Janov’s books deep in a large urban bookstore, I did try Prozac and Lithium…even reading the book about the ‘lithium revolution’ (forgot who wrote it).
Something was terribly wrong, I knew it, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was at the time. I was morbidly depressed and had the Prozac dose at the maximum recommended, 60mg per day. All it did was make me feel ‘fake’, ‘artificial’. Same story with the Lithium, only there it seemed to snuff out the full range of what I was feeling every day and squeezed my emotions into some strange, unfamiliar narrow band. I concur with Renee’s observations on this.
Other than the occasional Xanax for anxiety (very tiny doses once in a great while even today) and some opioids (a pleasant trip, I admit), I largely concluded my experimentation with psych meds long ago, right after reading Janov which sent me on an even deeper mind trip considering my personal circumstances.
I don’t want to take psych meds at all anymore for a lot of different reasons, including that I still drink some alcohol once in a while. Even a single beer has amazing anxiolytic qualities, helping to drain all my worries and fears. A cheap vacation from my worries constantly assaulting me, never letting up. All too easy to overdo the alcohol, though, which has its own unpleasantries.
There was never a point where I was suicidally depressed, only lingering for long periods one step above that in terms of safety. It was more that my motivation and inspiration to do great things was completely shot to hell, not understanding why I couldn’t give a damn about anything. A corporeal blob just sitting there thinking all the time, trying to figure out how I should navigate all the overpoweringly senseless and useless garbage in life
I do find it somewhat interesting how Janov would write that suicidal thoughts and ideations came from the first line (ie. ‘we die how we are born’). I never had any of this at all. I was just incredibly depressed in the deepest ways imaginable without wanting to end life itself. I always figured either nature or some external force is going to kill us all in the end anyway, so why rush it along when we can gather as many life experiences as possible even if they are acutely miserable?
I had a really good day today and when I measured my blood pressure it was amazing low, especially since I was diagnosed with “essential hypertension” four months ago. I had a lot of physical activity today which is helpful and very important. I am convinced more and more, however, that my BP problem is related to severe body tensions which hold in my primal pain. Exercising helps to keep that in check, as well as an appropriate die etc., but ultimately the change has to be not needing all that tension because I’m feeling the pain, and getting rid of it. I’m very glad to not have to be on BP medication.
Phil
Phil, yes I would think it would be a fortunate ideal to not need to take any meds, either physical or psychotropic. I suspect you’d agree that our own personal experiences shouldn’t encourage disregarding the value of medication altogether, though.
If others find medication to be helpful, I’m all for it. There are times when I feel very fearful when I hear stories of people going to many different psychiatrists trying out many different meds over time in a trial-and-error manner. Sounds extremely frustrating and rather risky in its own way.
Guru,
If there’s a way to address an underlying issue which causes a health problem, I think that’s preferable. Antidepressants don’t do that, but I don’t doubt that some people need to take them. With my earlier post I wasn’t trying to make any general statement about these issues. I think I have some fear of getting a severe disease of some type, probably because of my family history.
Phil
Phil, I purposely generalized the med topic for extra conversational fodder, especially since you posted about your giving up BP meds right after I posted my story.
I just wanted to make a comment about wordpress actions lately. It puts some of the comments in my ‘primary’ notifications email category and some in the ‘social’ notifications category which I usually don’t bother with. I was missing some of the comments. I don’t know if it’s been affecting anyone else but thought I would just mention it. I noticed that I was getting Phil’s response to Guru, but not Guru’s original comment and looked at the primal blog itself to see what I was missing. Now I check both primary and social category notifications on my email.
BTW, Guru, the types of antidepressants have changed over the years. There are many more now to fit a patient/client. I will say I have taken a very small dose, 1/4 the amount prescribed after dealing with the flu beings it helps with the physical and emotional depression of being ill.
An interesting thing happened when I was eighteen. I had come off of thyroid medication and was feeling depressed, so the doc gave me pills for depression. At the time, more than fifty years ago, there probably were not many antidepressants on the market. As a result of feeling giddy and saying silly things in class I felt I was being foolish and felt embarrassed, and feeling really too open, a result of being on the antidepressant making me hypersensitive. I went home crying, sobbing in tears. My mom was very comforting. Really, I was at my wits end, thinking this was the end of me. My mom was completely understanding because I think she had had such ‘nervous breakdowns’ too. I lay in her bed crying and she went to get me some water or milk or something from the kitchen, and I began to have a flashback of when I was nine yrs old and there was an altercation that woke me in the middle of the night, it was between my mom and older brother. He had come home from drinking at a bar. His room was adjacent to mine, we sharing a wall. She followed him to his room It was quite violent event. He got the worst of it, I’ll say.
That whole scene played out in my mind that day, nine yrs after it had happened. It was something I had totally forgotten about until that very moment. It had traumatized me and lay dormant for nine yrs. If someone had said, ‘do you remember the night your brother came home from drinking and he and your mother fought?’ I would have said ‘no, surely not.’ I think that flashback was my first primal, before I knew what primal was.
S
Sylvia, I have an email file set up and all PI blog post go automatically into it. I never have to go looking for them. It seems at the Primal Center some patients are medicated with “1st line blockers” which are supposed to help them get to feelings, rather than being overwhelmed. I’m not sure if any of the medications used are antidepressants.
Phil
Phil, I’m not sure what the effect was of the antidepressants prescribed to me as a teenager, but they did have some first-line release it seems with the feelings of desperation. Maybe the primal way of blocking first line would be a tranquilizer. I tried occasionally my mom’s valium to calm me down during overwhelming times as a teen. I do see the caution, though, giving young adults antidepressants unless they have access to a feeling therapy, as I don’t know what would have happened if my mom hadn’t helped me thru it all. Ironic, that she put the trauma there and helped eventually, by being so kind, in releasing it.
I do have an email file, but the comments usually go into the primary or social categories, but now they are split up in them. I just check both.
S
Sylvia, I would have a LOT to say in response to your intriguing story from when you were a teenager. I also had a similar story of a big breakdown in my early twenties, not having stumbled across Janov’s literature so that things could ‘click’ together better for me in that respect.
A thorough discussion would require several days and nights by the fireside and a lot of hot chocolate, so the mind can wander into useful tangents to allow the main body of such an important topic to flourish in newly rewarding ways.
I’m aware there is a virtual Cambrian explosion of different antidepressants out there now as opposed to decades ago. Again, this is another hugely deep topic I can’t begin to approach right now.
I should point out that just because I’ve become more acutely aware of all the depress-ING crap and remorseless difficulties of what I’m dealing with in life for what they are, it doesn’t mean my brain needs more serotonin at this time. Vivian Janov once wrote a really good newsletter article many years ago asking how a ‘normal’ person can deal with a messed up society,
My biggest enemies right now are repetitive thoughts, seeking comforting distractions, and fearful paralysis/anxiety. Those might need a mild chemical solution of some sort.
Much of my own depression has been lifted in many ways as I’ve gotten older and wiser, strangely enough.
Just too much to talk about and expand upon. I have to be generally careful and economical where I focus.
Okay then.
S
At least I learned a little something new by looking up “Cambrian explosion.”
Oh don’t get me wrong when I say I need to economize my attention. I’m happy to spend a little time on many different worthwhile topics, but as I said earlier those worthwhile topics can be more rewarding with hours or days of attention devoted to each one, something beyond my limits unless I had maybe $50 million or more net worth. Then I can relax.
Guru,
what if you owned Twitter? Would that put you at ease?
Phil, hah…well I said $50 million, not $40 BILLION. Huge difference there.
I figured $50 million would be reasonably nice enough to never have to worry about anything for the rest of my entire life even if I live to 100 years old.
I understand $50 million sounds absurd to most people, so imagine how billionaires keep at the game even though it’s 20 times $50 million at minimum.
As Jack always said, our money system is irredeemably insane and is likely a root culprit of an unfathomable amount of misery in the world.
Guru, very true. I find Twitter worthless, I tried it out a few years ago. It must be nice to have $44 billion to throw away on such a worthless enterprise.
I didn’t find it entertained or informed me. It didn’t do anything, but I guess someone likes it.
Sylvia,
sorry for the delay, but thanks for your reply on April 18 and what you shared about your feelings towards your own mom.
and to everyone, I read all the comments, unless maybe sometimes the site seems to have some delay in mailing the comments , but lately I am a bit sloppy in reacting, probably because I am needing to divide my energy and set priorities.
maybe a mild case of depression as life seems to be more difficult still, with the Corona hassle still going on, all the bad news on tv, worries about health and possible quarantines, and feelings of fear and sadness being triggered.
but well, I like reading all the comments, from everyone even if I reply less often lately.
M
Margaret, well thanks for apprising us of your situation and your reasons for not posting as much. I simply figured you don’t like me anymore and I had to simply accept that for what it is.
Some big feelings I had yesterday brought me back to when I was a child looking in family photo albums, including a book of my parents wedding pictures. I didn’t cry back then but I was certainly in a feeling when I did that. Longing for the mother I saw in the pictures and also the happiness they had, which was now missing from the family. I guess this shows how removed I’ve been from these feelings,
I feel exhilarated today, besides unloading those feelings, we’ve planned two summer trips. One to Spain and also a week driving trip north to Maine and Canada. Once in Spain we’ll travel as well, but that has yet to be planned.
Phil
Phil, travelling is one area I came up short. I’ve never left the US in my entire life. I haven’t even traveled beyond a 30 mile radius for the past year or so.
Guru,
maybe in the future we can switch spots for awhile. We’ll go there and you come here to stay. That would probably freak out your neighbors.
Or you could just visit us here; this area has a lot to offer.
Phil, well let’s just say I’m incapacitated in various ways you may not understand at this time. I’m trying to wriggle my way out of that, though.
This morning I feel a little sad and in shock after talking to my son. The reality is hitting harder that he’ll be living permanently far away from here. Also, he’s doing very well and has good things coming, which, of course, I’m very glad, but it’s in contrast to what I experienced at his age, or even now. He’s much more socially connected and capable than I ever was.
Phil
Phil, it does sound like you’re really proud of your son’s life progress including the social arena. Even though I’m mostly a grumbling hermit today, it wasn’t always this way for me. I was actually a social butterfly in high school who unfortunately gravitated towards a fast crowd at the time.
College is when I really started to become deeply disturbed by things. I could still socialize and the people I socialized with were nice kids, instinctively I knew there was something terribly wrong. I remember one night driving a pack of five college student friends to a Pizza Hut so we could hang out. All was fine, everyone was good….but I couldn’t help looking out the window, how dark it was outside, thinking there’s something terrible going on “out there in the dark” that’s having a HUGE impact on my life, and I don’t know what the hell it is.
That Pizza Hut scene in the middle of the night reminded me of Stephen King’s The Mist where terrified refugees commiserated in a supermarket with a giant fog with unnamable horrors surrounding the building.
Bleh, I screwed up the italics in my post. I meant to only italicize ‘The Mist’ title.
Please consider everything I write as a ‘rough draft’. I’m writing on the fly, trying not to forget details. When I re-read my own posts I often find words I can replace and other grammar errors I can improve upon. But…I’m trusting this is not a judgmental space such as English class. Conveying a general point is what matters, anyway, for the therapy and all.
For anyone who, like me, has become curious about what Vladimir Putin might be recreating from his childhood trauma history in the Ukraine, check out this article from Aces Too High News:
https://acestoohigh.com/2022/03/02/how-vladimir-putins-childhood-is-affecting-us-all/#:~:text=A%20small%20child%2C%20whose%20two%20older%20siblings%20are,their%20city%20and%20killing%20their%20friends%20and%20family.?msclkid=a33e9d85c7bf11ecaa7ef9b1055dce6c (“How Vladimir’s childhood is affecting us all” — Jane Ellen Stevens). Reading this article helps to makes sense of out what he’s doing in Ukraine and see clearly how he is making the Ukraine of today his horrific childhood environment of yesterday.
Interesting. My only caveat is, perhaps all violent tyrants had adverse childhood but not all those who had adverse childhood become violent tyrants.
That’s exactly what the author said. She just put it the other way around: “not everyone who has an abusive childhood grows up to abuse others; but it’s safe to say that all abusive dictators and autocrats had a childhood filled with abuse and/or neglect, and not enough love.” Perhaps if Putin would’ve had one person in his life, when he was young, who loved him, his life would have turned out differently.
One thing the author of this article doesn’t do is comment on the childhoods of the soldiers in the Russian army who are just following the orders they are given when they commit such incredibly brutal and horrific actions. I think Alice Miller did a good job explaining such behavior in her book, “For Your Own Good,” when she analyzed the childhoods of German soldiers in WWII. It kind of reminds me of the political philosopher Hannah Arendt’s famous statement about the “banality of evil”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpPMmOe3jI4 (min. 4:00-5:45). “Hannah Arendt on Eichmann, Banality, Guilt & Obedience (1964)”.
Renee, well that’s just weird because immediately before I changed my mind and decided the topic is too large to discuss for my personal energies, I originally typed out the following to you before deleting it and giving up:
“Renee, I did read this article and, even after many years of reading Janov and Alice Miller’s books, I’d still approach this subject with a great deal of caution.
There are likely countless examples of harmless unknown people who had childhood experiences similar to Putin’s, so would a wholesale stoppage of all childhood deprivations across millions of people be a solution? I would guess it’s probably not an efficient answer, likely impossible anyway.
It would seem to me that a comprehensive mixture of childhood experiences along with modern-day psychosocial and economic stressors would provide the best font of information from which possible solutions can be gleaned.
We also have to look at Putin’s lower ranking soldiers committing atrocities as well. Are they ‘simply following orders’ out of fear of retribution from their commanders? Or are those Russian soldiers truly possessing a streak of sadism prompted by their own childhood experiences?
It reminds me of the 1994 Rwanda massacre where seemingly everyone in the Hutu and Tutsi clans turned on each other individually, neighbor against neighbor, instead of a central commander barking orders.”
After writing all this out I started to realize the whole subject matter, while worthwhile on its own, would demand a lot more effort while I have to remain more selfishly focused.
I’m only re-posting this since you had some similar thoughts to my own, as well as with Daniel’s brief thought..
When I deleted the italicized text above yesterday, I copy/pasted it on a scrap notebook file (along with many other deleted blog posts) and replaced it all with ‘my energy is too depleted’.
one day, i might be laying on my deathbed, maybe i will be picturing my 10-year old self alone in our empty hollywood home, getting ready for our move away from my aunt, uncle, and my rich full life, thinking maybe if i had cried and screamed more that this wouldn’t be happening, this atrocity ultimately resulted in the horrific lonely life i have had. for decades. this gloomy thought just woke me up, this thought comes just from hearing a good beatles song on the radio yesterday, while waiting for my wife to get done with her eye doctor appointment . clumsy words i put to the ages,,,it would make a great scene in a movie. i still cant cry and scream enough. actually not at all…what a frigging tragedy, mommie
Otto, the timing of our posts were unfortunate being only two minutes apart. I had no idea you were wanting to post something while I was busily preparing my own post, just so you know I wasn’t trying to steal attention away from you. Thanks for your understanding.
Brief messages for both Renee and Daniel:
Renee: I actually did open up your link and skimmed through it for a minute or two, realizing the Putin/Ukraine topic is another deep fireside & hot chocolate with marshmallows topic requiring days of discussion. I’m sorry my energy is just too depleted for that.
Daniel: Do you remember a few weeks ago how you pressed me for as many details as possible about what happened to my mother? I received a random email yesterday from WiseGeek entitled: “What made January 1973 such a momentous month in US history?”
In the body of the mail the text starts with:
“Many historians see January 1973 as a turning point for America. In particular, three momentous events occurred on January 22nd of that year. That was the day Henry Kissinger traveled to Paris to bring the Vietnam War to an ignominious end. It was also the day the U.S. Supreme Court paved the way for abortion rights with its Roe v. Wade decision, a ruling that still polarizes America today. And January 22, 1973 marked the end for 36th president Lyndon Baines Johnson, the civil rights champion of 1964, who suffered a deadly heart attack on his ranch in Texas”
Daniel, as a final pertinent detail to all those questions you asked me pressing for details…would you like to take a wild guess as to what exact day the occurrence took place on?
Daniel, if you guess the date correctly you can proceed one of two ways:
–“Why yes, Guru, life is an extraordinarily mind-boggling universal scale simulation as espoused by Nick Bostrom and Elon Musk. You would likely had been a momentously important or crucial figure in contemporary American history had your mother not made a split-second error.” (buttering up my neurotic ego)
Or
–“Nah, it’s just happenstance. We’re just seven billion descendants of bonobo monkeys with no inherent meaning or Einstein-style quantum entanglements beyond that.” (trimming down my neurotic ego)
Those who tend to dislike me will want to ‘trim down’ the ego by giving the ‘happenstance’ answer, and those who tend to like me could be more open to the suggestion ‘it’s a mind-boggling simulation’ in order to make me feel more special.
Guru, I did of course guess the date in which you were thrown into the outside of history by the structure of events, and from which every now and then you observe the self that was (is?) mutilated by the course of those (and present?) events.
Daniel, well I always knew the date of mother’s passing was an important historical date for multiple other reasons, and that email I received yesterday was a bold, stark reminder of that coming to me out of the blue.
Honestly I’m not sure what to think about this. I can see arguments both ways between my simply being a ‘commoner scrub in life with no inherent meaning’ and ‘someone historically pivotal forcibly pushed aside in a grand simulation beyond our understanding’.
There was an interesting 1970’s movie with Michael York called Logan’s Run where a futuristic utopian society had one major catch: everyone must ritualistically die at age 30 (ironically the same chronological age as mom’s). If you try to escape this ritual fate in store for everyone, law enforcement, called ‘sandmen’, hunt you down to kill you.
Throughout the early-middle portions of the movie you would catch glimpses of ‘runners’ from this fate surviving in the dark alleyways and ruined catacombs, living into their 40’s and 50’s. Somehow I feel like one of them, shorn outside the societal matrix.
my issue with death…,they got it right when they said ‘everlasting’, but i don’t think it is everlasting life, but everlasting death. infinite time of the universe existing both before and then after, a life’s micron of existence on earth. clumsy words again. maybe just an old feeling of how little i mattered to my people when i was a child. also how little i think about my children when they were children, and now that they are starting to become old men like me. sickening but true. better call saul might have triggered this a little in me. and that is as close to a feeling that i can get.
the other thing about death, there is something in the air when someone dies. you might get a notice from the air that someone you knew has died. i think more than me and barb have experienced this, and even more, at a funeral, you might sense the dead person’s persona, even if you didn’t know them.
You leave me wanting to say lots and lots of things in response to both of your posts, Otto. Mercifully for you, you have no idea of the total number of potential words I could write here. I will let those voluminous words build their own natural pressures within my capillaries until I pop, instead. I will ‘take one for the team’ so to speak, and shut up so everyone else can breathe easier with a simpler blog experience..
I’ve kept an eye on Better Call Saul. Nacho was in a terrible bind, and his death was a terrible theatrical tragedy for sure.
My older son will finally be back from Europe in June, he’s been there since mid January. He wants to come with me to the Newport Jazz festival in July, he told me today. I went to it for the first time last year, and really enjoyed it, although I had no one with me.. I was also triggered at times experiencing it that way alone. My son is not into jazz, and I didn’t tell him all this, about being triggered etc, but I did say I wanted to do something special with him, just the two of us; his mother will still be away. He has a lot of friends around, so I’m very happy he said he wants to do this, it’s his idea. We’ll be there all day Saturday and Sunday of the festival and it’s held at a beautiful location by the ocean. It’s shaping up to be a great summer; My wife and I also have two trips planned. I don’t want to say this, but maybe I won’t retire after all next year, if I can enjoy my life and do things I want to do.
Phil
When he was younger I drove my son and his friends to the Warped Tour”. I spent all day there in a beautiful parking lot full of teenagers. I walked around and sampled the music, including the “screemo”, and other alternative rock styles that my son liked. So, maybe this is payback.
Phil
I got Covid, which surprised me as I’ve been quite careful. The only thing I can think of is I went to the gym last Friday because it was raining here. I stayed away from people,it wasn’t at all crowded, but no one was wearing a mask, and so I didn’t either. It also could have been from work or shopping. I’m feeling pretty bad, it’s like the flu, and I just started on some medicine. I think I’ve already been through the worst of it, at least I hope so. I’m so glad I was fully vaccinated with two booster shots.
Phil
Oh goodness. Take good care, Phil. Eat lots of soup and hope you feel better soon. 🍲🤒
WAIT–NACHO DIED? WHAT EPISODE WAS THAT?
Otto, episode 3 of season 6, the current and final season. I’m surprised you didn’t know his character was killed off. Many viewers who watched the series expected Nacho’s death anyway, so I didn’t think it was much of a spoiler.
Phil, So sorry to hear that! Every time I pick up the phone lately I hear someone else has Covid! Take good care of yourself. Gretch
Y Phil,
I also hope you will feel better soon!
it is tricky isn’t it? I will go to my Pilatus class this afternoon, and like last week probably won’t wear a mask again.
luckily it is a small group in a large place, but stilll, I am always consciious of the (smaller) risk that still exists these days.
on the other hand it is a relief to be able to have some activities again without a facemask.
at the volunteer job we had a supervision with about 12 persons, also now without mask, but all windows open, which made me feel that if not Corona we might get a cold from sitting in a strong current of air for two hours…
my mom turns out to have a case of shingles now, but as we found out early her antiviral treatment will hopefully prevent chronic pains later on.
finally I think I know now what disease is meant by the English word ‘shingles’.
a virus from the herpes family causing itches and possible nerve infections , isn’t it?
it was slightly disturbing to read on the web it can be passed on not only by touching the affected skin, but also through the air…
when one’s immune system is low.
one ‘up’ piece of news is I texted my formal tango dance partner, and soon i might join him to go dancing again now and then.
and the sailing also starts up again next month, hurray!
M
Thanks Gretchen and Margaret. Covid is really nasty and that’s after being vaccinated and boosted. I can only imagine how much worse it could be.
Phil
Phil,
how are you doing now?
have you recovered ?
i hope you feel better .
i have heard taking plenty of rest is important for a good recovery
M
Margaret,
I’m feeling much better, I’ve been back at work since Tuesday. I still have a lot of fatigue, however, and my throat and sinuses don’t feel right. I have to believe that without vaccinations, boosters, and taking a covid medicine I would have been in the hospital with a very serious illness. I expect to make a full recovery, but the discouraging part is there’s no guarantee on not getting it again.
phil
My comment is designed to help other patients on psyc meds.
I recently spent three days in hell. I lost track of how much sunosi I had left and went three days on a reduced amount to stretch what I had until I got another bottle in the mail from Kaiser.
My body-mind system seemed to be so dependent on it I went through terrible withdrawal. I was badly lethargic and lay in bed bored silly.
Now I know why when MD’s give opioids to patients and then say, “no more opioids,” the patients turn to heroin.
If I’d wanted to kill my pain with alcohol I couldn’t have gotten to the corner store for beer.
Sunosi is for people who are tired due to sleep problems, like sleep apnea. It is a second line of defense, my dental device and back positioner are first line for sleep apnea.. They are designed to keep my airway open. Sunosi is a strong stimulant.
I used to use provigil until it didn’t work anymore. Then my sleep-neurologist and I switched to sunosi. It is a federally controlled substance due to the possibility of abuse.
Please be sure to put a mark on your calendar to order your psyc meds and any meds on time so you don’t run out.
Over forty years ago a group of patients were informally talking to Nick Barton after a “buddy group.” He said something to the effect he didn’t like to put foreign substances in his body or words to that effect. He said an exception came when he really had to get something done and he used coffee.
I wish my life was that simple. Psyc meds have been an issue with me for forty-three years.
xx AMOUNT OF DOLLARS PER HOUR, PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK. BILLS GALORE.
NIGHTMARE JOB
6 YEARS TO LIVE PER EXPECTANCY (BUT PROBABLY LESS)
COULDNT BE HAPPIER. NO BOMBS FALLING HERE
NOT…
I just finished watching a fascinating link that some of you might be interested in. At least those of you who are interested in unlearning some of the history we’ve all learned and accepted as the truth. This time it has to do with Winston Churchill. Here is the historian and journalist Tariq Ali, who has just written a book on Churchill, talking about the many truths about Churchill that have largely been erased from school history books:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vb0BKH3z1zs (The Churchill cult is out of control: Tariq Ali on Winston Churchill).
FYI, this is the Tariq Ali that was friends with John and Yoko. Back in 1970, he and Robin Blackburn interviewed John and Yoko. Here they spoke extensively about their experience in primal therapy. Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx0Y-RiYg8o (8:30 – 17:20min).
I used to think apple pie is the most American thing, now I think it’s killing sprees.
Sadly you have a point! Gretch
I just posted a new page . https://primalinstitute.wordpress.com/2022/06/02/this-page-is-for-comments-page-7/#comment-55113